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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 16:10

Yeah he's wearing the necklace. Its engraved with a message saying "to daddy, we love you very very much. Lots of love and "

He's wearing the trousers too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 16:11

She's clearly chosen and bought the necklace from her own suggestion hasn't she. I don't think any child so young would suggest jewellery as a gift to their dad.

Trousers were definitely her idea

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DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 27/12/2017 16:13

I’d say you’re spot on there OP. Don’t lose this clarity you have now. He will work on you. Expect it, remember to hear everything he says and put it in the context of his agenda- to keep you sweet.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 16:14

Oh and apparently didn't have anything to eat or drink there on Christmas because his throat was hurting so badly and it hurt to even swallow water yet since being home has happily demolished his dinner, snacks, coffee and pop Hmm

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Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 16:14

I will do Donny for sure. He is absolutely full of shit

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DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 27/12/2017 16:14

Yeah, children of 5 and 7 don’t notice trousers anyone wears.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 27/12/2017 16:16

Oh and apparently didn't have anything to eat or drink there on Christmas

😂😂😂

He really thinks you’re stupid doesn't he?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 16:17

Indeed. He's either stupid himself or believes I am, probably a combination of the two. He's a terrible liar.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 16:19

I might tell him to ring his ex in front of me and invite her round for dinner. Insist he does it today as I'm keen to make an effort for everybody to get along for the kids sake. See how he reacts when put on the spot

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DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 27/12/2017 16:20

OMG I had an ex like this? With the lying. If he was late for something it would because “there was a terrible accident on the motorway” (obviously who would complain about that unless they were heartless) when he wanted to get out of coming to my family for an event he “had to cover a shift for a poor woman who was having treatment t for cervical cancer”
He was shameless

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 27/12/2017 16:21

That meeting isn’t
Going to happen, I’d put money on you being a secret

Hortonlovesahoo · 27/12/2017 16:22

I’ve been reading this thread in shock. What a complete arse he is. He’s really bad at lying! I hope that you can confront him for your own sake x

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 16:23

Ridiculous isn't it. I remember once last year he tried telling me he was waiting 2 hours for a bus because of road works. He could have walked from work to his flat share in under half that time. His lies are preposterous.

Yup no meeting will ever happen on his watch. I'm just curious to see how he would react when put on his toes about it

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 27/12/2017 16:23

Brilliant idea tumble! If he refuses say “ok, i’ll Ring her.”

See what happens.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 16:23

Thank you Horton x

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swingofthings · 27/12/2017 16:30

Sadly, I think your scenario of what happened on the day is spot on :(

On one hand, very sad realisation, on the other, at least you are clearly much more able to see behind his charm than he probably gives you credit for.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 27/12/2017 16:35

Be careful
Keep safe

hollie11 · 27/12/2017 16:40

I'd just call the ex....I'd write down any questions I have before while my mind is clear and then call her......at least then you'll know the truth. Good luck op

Charley50 · 27/12/2017 16:41

OP I would never normally suspect something so dramatic, but is there any chance he still stays at his exes some nights when he says he's working?

Also now you've generally recognised him for the kind of person he is, no need to rush into any life changing decisions. You've got his number; he might step up, he probably won't, you can decide over the next few months what to do.
I really think you need to reiterate to him that his easy life is your hard life; it's unfair and you refuse to put up with it any longer. You'll know very soon in your mind whether or not he's out. If he's out tell him when it suits you.

Charley50 · 27/12/2017 16:45

Oh and I think your summary of Xmas day is correct too.

EmilyChambers79 · 27/12/2017 16:48

My ex used to tell awful lies. I think most people used to think he couldn't possibly be lying as the stuff he used to come out with, well any normal person wouldn't lie about it!

I never knew what made me more angry, the fact he lied or the fact he thought I was stupid enough to believe them.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 27/12/2017 16:51

Why are you trying to stop him seeing his kids by restricting how long he stays there on Christmas Day?
He had to lie to you because you’re always on his back about spending time with his children?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 16:59

I never tried to restrict him seeing his kids at Xmas at all. I never said a thing about it to him. What I was unhappy about was being packed off to my aunt's to spend our first Xmas in our home together apart, whilst he spent it with his ex.

I couldn't understand (barring his excuses) why he couldn't have had them at ours for half the day, or just gone and spent half the day with them there. Doing the presents etc.

I don't think it's the norm to spend an entire day at the exes with the phone on silent whilst your 8 months pregnant girlfriend gets ignored all day. It was never about restricting access with his kids. I would never in a million years do that and I hope that's not how I've come across throughout the thread.

I've always loved the fact he's close to the kids, been happy for him being able to see them multiple times a week even if the way it's done impacts me and our baby.

I'm not controlling in the slightest he knows that better than anyone. I've always put myself second to his kids and rightly so.

It was about him deliberately downplaying and lying on Christmas. Not being contactable and treating me as if me and baby don't matter

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Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 17:03

I've even bitten my tongue and said nothing while "the ex demands contact be done at her house" just so he doesn't miss out on any time with the kids.

Never been on his back about seeing them. I know he comes with a package and I always accepted that.

I've said nothing while he goes on family outings with the ex and kids. Wished him a great day even though at times I felt uncomfortable about the fact it seemed like they were playing happy families.

I've been beyond passive the entire time

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Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 17:05

Don't think he's been spending nights at hers whilst he claims to be at work but I never know anything for sure, and anything is possible I guess..

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