To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

Yellow Well I got pregnant after 3 weeks with someone but my contraception failed! It isn't always intentional!

Why do 99% of your posts come across as judgemental as though straight out of the Daily Mail?!

Another thing which doesn't sit right with me is this refusal of hers to let him to do overnights.

I said upthread that I was taking that with a pinch of salt - especially when it turned out he was in a shared house! Damn right my kids wouldn't do overnights in a shared house of strangers.

And then he got a house - with a pregnant girlfriend who hadn't even been introduced to the kids.

Yes, she should have allowed overnights then - but surely transitional, not instant?

Now, you did mention his dad's house would have been perfect for the overnights...

But more recently you've told us he was on constant nights during their marriage. And he's certainly still on nights now from your posts.

Perhaps her refusal to let him have overnights was because he isn't actually bloody there?

No way would I want to lose out on time with my children, for them to be away overnight with their grandfather or daddy's new "friend"

It's very easy to see her as controlling and totally out of order over those overnights. But let's look at a few things we know:

• he works nights
• he was in a shared house
• or living with a woman they don't know
• he stays up all night when not working playing computer games
• he's lazy
• he's a zombie in the mornings for an hour

You're carry a baby. You tell me if you'd be keen on sending your child to him overnight?

Honestly, I doubt he ever asked for an overnight (to have it refused) before you came on the scene.

My XH does have overnights - but limited, and we're flexible so he can just 'request' more - that's not grovelling to me, that's putting it in advance into a shared calendar.

How many times did he ask for our children on additional nights in the two years between our split and meeting his GF? zero (didn't even take them on holiday)

Then he got a GF with 2 kids of her own.

Started booking in to have them some weekends. Only ever weekends he was with her

Then I got a text message about wanting more regular weekends. You know what? That was my first and only angry text. If he posted it here, you'd all agree I was a jealous bitter ex who was controlling and needed to move on. I actually said "yes" but added that I was unimpressed that he only wanted to fucking well play happy families now, and I was pissed off because after all with his OW (not the GF) he has ruined my happy family.

I know I'm projecting here!

But you really don't have the truth of this. And I really don't think you can square his whining about overnights with him working nights from a shared house.

Through gritted teeth I let the kids go to my XH's GF - for she's the one doing the childcare. She's lovely. It's right for my children. But I fucking hate losing time with my children to her, not even him. I do think your useless boyfriend's XGF needs to make it work - for the children. But if her emotions are like mine, and the reasons too - I have sympathy and I don't think she's controlling.

I've had glandular fever so I know it's horrible. I was hospitalized with it as a child. I don't even think he has it

I had it when I was 15, was in hospital for two months and off school for 6 months.

I then had it when we flew to Tenerife earlier this year. I had a temp of 41, went to see Dr. Gave me an antibiotic injection in my bum, then antibiotic tablets and ear drops. Had to go back the next day when we were due to fly home and she stopped me from flying and admitted me to Hospital where I stayed for a week before being allowed to fly.

It all sounds like such hard work!!!

Another thought - when he goes out, especially if it's late in the day, to "see the kids" how do you know he goes there at all?

How are you ever going to find out the real truth behind any of this without speaking to his ex? I would have to contact her, without him knowing, and getting her side of the story and her reasons for not wanting you in contact with his kids etc and hopefully once that's all laid out you would be on some better footing going forward.

Sorry for the delay haven't been able to get on much today.

He does work constant nights yes, five nights per week. He gets two off a week and wanted the kids on them two days at his dad's to begin with. Admittedly, his rota changes weekly and his days off aren't always on the weekend so it's entirely possible that another reason mum said no was because it would have interrupted the kids routine during the week with school. I get why she wouldn't want a stranger aka me looking after her kids whilst their dad works, but I wouldn't have been prepared to do that myself either. Despite having met them I wouldn't try and play mum, least of all when his children's mum have never so much as laid eyes on me or spoke to me.

I do really want to meet her and ascertain from her what she thinks of all this and what her position is. Its daunting though, what with not knowing how she would react. The last thing i would want is to end up in an argument and make things even worse which is always possible.

I do think her buying him the trousers was a bit personal for an ex. I said to him it's a little odd that she knew to get him something he had mentioned to me on a few occasions to be wanting. He said nah everyone that knows me well knows what I like. They did live together a long time so obviously she's bound to know what will go down well as a gift, I just can't fathom buying any of my exes a pair of trousers. The necklace from the kids absolutely, very thoughtful and kind, but trousers? Idk. They were clearly not from the kids but her.

His brother called him last night to have a catch up as it's Christmas, not the brother who's friends with the ex but a younger one who works abroad and he doesn't see much at all. They were chatting away and DP said "what do you mean what's been going on with everyone I don't know do i" he sounded a bit defensive.

That made me think maybe heated discussions had been happening?

Conversation moved on and then DP was saying "yep he will be here in a couple of weeks, another little boy"

Clearly referring to our baby, so there had obviously been discussions about baby too and people must know.

Perhaps ex has been venting her frustrations to his family about bump. I'm not too sure tbh.

Mxy I have no proof he does go to see the kids when he goes out but I do believe he does. As much as he's an arse in 9 out of 10 ways I know for sure he adores them kids and wants to see them as much as poss

@ellisandra I totally understand why you would be so pissed off under those circumstances

@Donny credit to you for making a stand and going it alone. I know it's possible and I'm capable. Its just not how I saw things going at the start. I was assured everything would be sorted and concerns eliminated by now.

I've just been fobbed off continuously.

I managed to speak with him more last night about how he doesn't communicate and because of the lack of transparency I don't trust him or his motives. Turned the tv off so he couldn't detract from the subject. He said he acknowledges he's one to bury his head in the sand and go with the grain for a simple life. He said he's going to have a serious talk with his ex about how his contact can't continue to be at her place all the time and that he wants normality for the children. I've heard it all before though I will believe that when I see it

I hate to say it but if he wanted to spend as much time as possible with his children he would have gone to court by now. If he desperately wanted his kids overnight, he would have gone to court by now. My father was an abusive, alcoholic evil fucker who destroyed my life for a long time and even he repeatedly took my mum to court for access and visits. He left because he couldn't be arsed with the realities of parenting and this sporadic, no responsibility type of visit is what he wants or he would be changing it since there are avenues open to him to do so.

I would make it clear to him that you expect him to be a proactive partner and father once baby arrives. If he sees washing up, he does it. If the baby is crying, he picks him up. Then watch and see what he does. If he's such a good father he shouldn't need reminding of what needs to be done.

I can't pretend I think he's an amazing father who does everything right because of the facts you've pointed out and also the bare minimum a father should do when he leaves the family home is make sure proper contact arrangements are sorted even if it means going to court.

He's always been firm that he doesn't want to go down the court route because he doesn't want to be stopped seeing the kids in the mean time and also because of how costly it could be, he has preferred to just go along with his exes rules and keep things civil, enjoying the time he gets with the kids even if it's not on his terms.

He wants an easy a life as possible and is sloppy about doing anything official which obv isn't ok if the current arrangements mean 1) I suffer 2) our baby does

We have discussed the help he will provide when baby arrives and he tells me he wants to speak with his higher ups at work and discuss the potential to work days instead of nights, or half nights and half days.

Will find out this week if that's an option.

He’s a spineless manipulative lazy cock

Probably all lip service as was pointed out earlier he's probably cottoned on to the fact I'm losing my patience and is telling me whatever i want to hear to keep me sweet. We will see

@Donny credit to you for making a stand and going it alone. I know it's possible and I'm capable. Its just not how I saw things going at the start. I was assured everything would be sorted and concerns eliminated by now.

I know, I’m not saying it in a “if I did it you should too” kind of way, I just wanted to let you know that if that’s what you decide, it will be ok. It’s hard being a single parent, but 100 times easier than dealing with what I did before I left. TBH, the baby years are by far the easiest. It’s when they’re 12 and full of hormones and requests for money that it gets tough!

He said nah everyone that knows me well knows what I like.
Predictable response 1
He said he acknowledges he's one to bury his head in the sand and go with the grain for a simple life. He said he's going to have a serious talk with his ex about how his contact can't continue to be at her place all the time and that he wants normality for the children.
Predictable response 2

He wants an easy a life as possible and is sloppy about doing anything official
Predictable attitude 3

he tells me he wants to speak with his higher ups at work and discuss the potential to work days instead of nights, or half nights and half days
Predictable attitude 4.

I've heard it all before though I will believe that when I see it
But you won't see it. All he does he tells you what you want to hear as per above. He is making himself to be a nice person, who doesn't want to upset anyone, but that's not true is it because if he really wanted an easy life, he would have called you after her left her and told you that even though he wasn't feeling well, he wanted to be with you on Xmas day so was on his way to your aunt, because THAT would have been the easy way as it would have made you happy and have prevented the questioning and attitude now.

Tumble, he is doing what I and Donny have predicted. He is turning on the charm, telling you all you want to hear, knowing it will reassure you and give you hope, so if anything, buying him yet more time. Please please focus your discussions on what he hasn't done that he should have, not on what he is promising to do and you can be assure will NOT ever do because he will then think of yet more promises to get you to focus on and believe that he really isn't such a bad person.

we will see
Yes, sadly , you will see
Look at the good stuff, your actual family, your baby. your own resilience and your job

Btw he will tell you he asked at work about changing shifts and they said no. It’s funny my ex also works shifts and it was always his excuse for not having the DC as planned, not turning up, turning up late. He even had his Mum parroting the “it’s these bloody shifts” line that he used all the time. Whenever I asked him if he could sort something out so he wasn’t constantly “being called into a shift” he would either say “oh yes I’ve already put a request in about changing to days” or “im fixed on these for a few months but after that i’ll Be able to change it” as I’m sure you can guess by now, it never happened.

I flinched a bit when you recounted the conversation of you challenging him. As well as what pp have said about the predictable pattern of that kind of manipulative approach, when he tried to make you feel bad about being pissed off with him for “being ill” he was showing you exactly who he is. Controlling and abusive behaviour from partners tends to start or escalate during pregnancy, he will keep wearing you down

He doesn’t need to ask permission from Work to not be up gaming all night, to stop smoking, to not fake being ill, to bother being available to
his pregnant girlfriend, or to get off his arse and clean up (without it being a technique to control you)
He will be “good” at times. I’ve met men who’ve hospitalised their girlfriends but can later be terribly helpful in times of crisis. These types are toxic.
If I fax a vote here I’d say go to your mum xx

I think its a bit odd for a 5 & 7 year old to buy their dad a necklace. Its more like something a still interested ex would give. It's a little bit too possessional for me. Is he wearing op?

Yeah I was a bit about the necklace.

Funnily enough there's been no mention about his poorly throat since yesterday, he seems the picture of health today ready to go back to work tonight.

He said last night he doesn't think it's glandular fever but a viral infection as only one of his glands are up.

Still. If you're too ill to call your girlfriend you can't be well enough to work can you.

If he left hers at 5 he would have called. Anyone with decency would have at the very least text throughout the day.

After sleeping on it this is my perceived take on Christmas day.

He had probably been planning for weeks (at least) that he would spend the whole Christmas day there "for the kids" then deliberately downplayed the amount of time he intended to spend there because he knew i wouldn't like him being there all day.

He clearly knew his brother and brothers wife would be coming with the baby. Relatives don't just turn up unannounced on Christmas, though he claimed not to know they were coming. Don't believe that whatsoever.

He stayed there all day until at least 9pm with his phone on silent. Brother and wife would have left by then due to having a tiny baby in tow. Kids were probably in bed having been up since the crack of dawn excited for Christmas. He and the ex were sat together laughing and joking, perhaps having a drink for old times sake.

When he finally has the balls to check his phone at about 9.00pm he sees I've gone ape shit. Makes his excuses to his ex and rushes home, promptly puts on a sick voice and rings me at gone 10 pretending to have just woken up having been home since 5 because "he was bored" there.

Gets defensive when I say I don't believe him because it becomes apparent his excuse isn't washing with me. I hang up and he calls back ten mins after being a suck up, knowing he's made himself look a liar and I'm on to him. Major arse kissing follows and then I find myself questioning whether I might have got it wrong - which would have been his intention.

Yeah he's manipulative. I can't deny that. The whole day was engineered around manipulation, and then he rocks up home with a lovely new pair of trousers from his ex who is apparently so controlling and awful to him.

I had an abusive ex, at no point after breaking up would he have ever bought me a pair of trousers.

Shes probably been fed as much crap as I have tbh.