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Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 26/12/2017 23:03

Lots of men do 'admit' to cheating and do the whole 'but I know it was wrong, I've changed now, I know it hurt people and I never want to do that again.....' and then 'blame' the woman anyway in the theme of
'she withdrew sex, we didn't love each other any more, we were just friends really, the marriage was dead, we stayed togetehr for the kids, I can't live without passion' sort of stuff (bil did this to my sister, told everyone their marriage was really just friends now, had myriad affairs - was all the first my sister knew of it when she found out years later).

Tistheseason17 · 26/12/2017 23:29

I think you know the answer OP
Sorry Flowers

MotherofaSurvivor · 26/12/2017 23:46

I don't understand why you haven't read him the riot act? Or packed his bags and chucked him out - even if just temporarily to gain head space and to hammer home How fed up you are of his treatment of you and unborn baby x

Darkstar4855 · 26/12/2017 23:53

@motherofasurvivor I would have thought that until I had the experience of living with a very manipulative and controlling man. It is amazing how good they are at twisting things around and making it seem like you’re the one being unreasonable. They’re also very good at realising when they’ve pushed you too far and immediately turning on the charm in order to win you back over. You reach a point where you just can’t think clearly any more and you have invested so much in the relationship it’s very difficult to walk away. Plus the OP has an unborn child to think of which complicates things even more.

Coyoacan · 27/12/2017 00:00

@motherofasurvivor You are talking about a life-changing decision. These are not taken on the spur of the moment.

Taylor22 · 27/12/2017 00:15

Chucked him out? Of his house?
So when he says no and now there is a horrible and hostile environment what is the heavily pregnant OP supposed to do?

She's doing great. She's sourced actual support and she's aware he's a grade A saggy bollock.

GreenTulips · 27/12/2017 00:39

I don't even think it's cheating, I just think he was a useless husband and a useless father. He spins lies so she had to keep checking up on him.

Expecting back at X time to help put the kids to bed 'sorry mate broke down' Wanting him to go to parents evening? 'Sorry boss was in couldn't get away'

Just see the constant excuses and it wears thin ..... you'll always be last

Mxyzptlk · 27/12/2017 00:48

That sounds quite likely, Tulips.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 00:50

I'm not going to throw him out before baby arrives, I can't be doing with all the drama of a split this close to giving birth. My plan at the moment is to focus on getting through these last few weeks of pregnancy and then reevaluating his role in my life once baby arrives x

OP posts:
nousername123 · 27/12/2017 00:55

You're going to end up breaking up over him pandering to her needs. She's clearly not got over him. He has to stand up to her! It's completely unreasonable. He needs to grow a pair. So she might kick off for a few weeks but eventually she will get over it. Stamp this out now before it ruins your relationship!

SpareASquare · 27/12/2017 01:14

I can never understand why people don't get this shit sorted before deciding to have a baby together. Or was the pregnancy meant to 'force his hand'?

I hope it all works out for the best for all involved.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 27/12/2017 01:24

No of course not, this pregnancy wasn't created to force his hand at all.

Thank you me too

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 27/12/2017 05:18

Good luck, OP. You might do well to go to your mother's after the baby is born for a bit of coddling. That you way you can avoid drama during the first few weeks.

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 07:57

Tumble, he reacted to the 'discussion' so predictably, honestly, when you are used to guys like him, you realise how stereotypical he is acting.

The reality is that his wife was controlling because he was lazy so she had to nag, and she was checking on him because he was illusive as to where he was, what he was doing, probably not getting in touch..... you know all about this already.

He left because she asked him to change when the charm stopped working on her. He tried more charm, realised he'd lost his touch with her, so left. He found you the perfect person as you are young, lovely, naturally caring and giving, the perfect personality to resume to his 'get what what I want by using my charm'. He probably got a kick from seeing he hadn't lost the touch, that's probably why the news of the baby didn't bother him that much.

I don't rate this sites that much when it comes to people reading them and making drastic changes in their lives from reading what strangers advise, but in this case, I strongly believe that it's the best thing you could have done.

I agree with you about taking your time to plan you exit, but as you do PLEASE PLEASE don't let him work on you so that he will convince you that he will change because I can assure you this is exactly what he is planning right at this minute. He is clever, he has noticed that you've started to question things, he knows that he's gone to far this time and his game is coming out, so he will use his usual charm that he is so good at to convince you that you are totally right, that he will change, that you'll be a perfect little family, that he will tell his ex that the kids will have to come to your house, he will tell you all the things deep inside you would have wanted to hear... months/weeks ago.

The reason why he still has this relationship with his ex is because he is still using his charm with her too and she too is conflicted because he part of her still falls for it. In a way, it's easier to do so when that's all she gets (ie, seeing him playing with the kids, being all nice to her, reminiscing on the good time) and she doesn't have the crap any longer that has befallen on you now (the bad budgeting, the cleaning, the lies etc....)

IcedCocoa · 27/12/2017 08:13

Good advice from cocoyan - new baby equals sleep deprivation equals no way of thinking clearly.

runwalkrun · 27/12/2017 08:58

You're going to end up breaking up over him pandering to her needs.
She's clearly not got over him. He has to stand up to her! . So she might kick off for a few weeks but eventually she will get over it. Stamp this out now before it ruins your relationship!

I wouldn't be,at all surprised if she doesn't have him doing odd jobs around the house. I bet he's fixing and sorting things left right and centre at hers, whereas back home he's a lazy fekker who's sat on his arse gaming 24/7.

runwalkrun · 27/12/2017 09:01

and the buying him trousers,as a present?
There's,something a bit personal about a present like that.
As,if she's stamping her mark on him somehow.

MotherofaSurvivor · 27/12/2017 09:29

Darkstar Thankyou for the lesson but I too have lived with a very very controlling (and also violent) man!!!! I managed to put my foot down in the end and I'm bloody glad I did!

Mxyzptlk · 27/12/2017 09:53

I still think it's quite likely that his ex knows nothing about the OP and may even think there's a chance of them getting back together.

PhuntSox · 27/12/2017 10:24

When you dump him he will move back in with her and you will be painted as a crazy ex.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 27/12/2017 10:58

I don't understand why you haven't read him the riot act? Or packed his bags and chucked him out

Me neither but then again I'd not be having a child with someone I hadn't even been dating a year.

If he is still there when the baby is born it's a done deal he will end up staying. If the OP can't go it alone before having the baby there's no chance the birth will make any difference.

In the meantime three innocent children are caught up in the mess that the adults created through their own selfish wants.

Greensky89 · 27/12/2017 11:15

Him and ex will be getting back together no doubt. Especially when she finds out about the new baby.

BubblesPip · 27/12/2017 11:27

Flowers Tumbleweed.

I’ve been there. I fell for it all. I’m now a single mum and have zero support from him. All he’s wanted is the good times, ie seeing our Dd open her presents Christmas Day, yet hardly see her for weeks on end building up to it.

He showed his true colours as soon as Dd arrived and I imagine you leaving DP will too. Prepare yourself for being a single mum, it’s hard work but very rewarding Flowers

Ellisandra · 27/12/2017 11:57

Oh Tumble Flowers

He gets worse with every thing you post Angry

She kept hacking Facebook? Confused

How many people do you know, have the ability to hack generally fairly secure programmes? Really - hacking?

I bet that (if she did it at all) she tried to guess his passwords, or tried to look at in when he'd left it logged in.

I did both those things - desperation over a cheating (now ex) husband.

I do not believe for a moment that she "kept hacking", because it's not hard to set an unguessable password, is it?

Apologies of course if she actually is a computer whizz Hmm

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 27/12/2017 12:07

Everything swing said is spot on. That’s exactky who he is. He will try and charm and manipulate his way into staying. He knows you are suspicious. Please be aware that it will happen.

Fwiw I left my ex 6 weeks before my first baby was born. I was younger than you and terrified. My family were great. And I know you have a great family there too who will support you. Just to let you know that it’s doable alone. It really is and actually much less stressful to only have to worry about your baby and not have him there causing an atmosphere, being lazy, deliberately doing things wrong so I don’t ask him again, having to ask him to wash a bottle or make some dinner finally at 10pm at night, wonder where he has gone when he said the car needed petrol and that was 3 hours ago. The list goes on. It really was easier without him there.

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