To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

Seriously, OP he's smoking whilst you're pregnant and you're subsidising him? Please stop this .

So let me see if I have this straight-

You do the household stuff
You pay his expenses when he runs out of money
You sit crying and posting on MN on Christmas Day because his phone is off, he is at his exes, and he doesn’t contact you.
You are 38 weeks pregnant or thereabouts

He has not sorted his contact out. He spends his spare time gaming. He doesn’t appear to have told his ex properly that you are pregnant.

He has man-glandular fever to avoid admitting to his failings yesterday.

It is going to have to be one big conversation to sort this out. I am thinking his illness will worsen and he will have to go to bed.

You are right, he is a man child. Fortunately, you are neither his mother nor his wife. And I suspect your eyes are more open than they were.

If he goes off radar, cannot budget, games a the spare hours God send, don’t you think you would end up described as ‘controlling’ if you tried to get him to behave like an adult? Because it wouldn’t be his free choice, otherwise he would be sorting his behaviour already.

Think about it, how much slack have you given him so as not to be like his ex?

He claims to be moving on to a vape next week in preparation for babies arrival. We will see whether that happens or not. I've banned any smoking in the house already.

I've just broached the subject of Christmas. Here's how the first part of the exchange went

Me: you acted appallingly this Christmas it really hurt me

Him: why because I was here asleep ill

Me: no because you didn't even bother to ring, you didn't even have the decency to send a text message. It was Christmas day and you didn't even think to let me know you were heading home.

Him: sorry (a short unconvincing sorry at that)

Him: oh look at that chicken (on come dine with me) it doesn't even look as though it's cooked properly!

He's impossible to talk with. Doesn't even want to discuss anything. Sees it as a nuisance. Bloody arsehole

I missed the smoking. May as well just burn your money.

Icedcocoa I've given him waay too much slack to avoid being the way he describes her as being.

Maybe she's just a normal decent woman and mum who started putting her foot down and demanded her partner act his age.

I suspect this is the case.

Barring the fact he works and has somehow managed to reach a position where he's the supervisor of other people (fuck knows how) he's an utter child.

His ex has bought him some nice trousers and a necklace as gifts from the kids. He doesn't even deserve bloody coal. Totally begrudge buying him a tv for Christmas. Grr so bitter right now

I never thought I'd say this but I actually think you need to end it.
Chicken on tv? WTAF? Deflection technique is awesome.
Btw - if he cared he'd have already stopped smoking for his other DC - he won't for yours either. Sorry xx

His used to his women running around after him. Whenever the conversation gets hard he changes it or avoids it. He will claim to quit smoking but won’t really. He doesn’t but help because you don’t ask isn’t a good enough reason. My husband worked all day and still insists on helping and has jobs that are his in the house and I’m a stay at home parent (recently volunteer worker too) without me asking. It’s sounds like you do everything anyway and his keeping you apart from “his other life” you have nothing to lose by leaving this man apart from a useless man child.

Well, I think you would gain by leaving actually, less housework, your own money to yourself, plus he would need to pay maintenance.

And trousers? Is he hopeless at buying clothes. I cannot imagine buying trousers for any man. That is a bit like being his mother. A shirt, tie or top maybe, but not trousers.

The fact that he is a manager of other suggests he can be bothered when he has to be.

Yes, I think bad-mouthing the ex keeps the new woman on her toes. Whereas the ex is probably not perfect, but there are always two sides to every story.

A poster said upthread you should go back to your lovely family. I am afraid I agree. Unless you want to spend your life having your well-being come second to a chicken on TV.

You sound like you have your head screwed on. Take care of yourself and your baby

If he had been ill, he should not have stayed up gaming as he clearly did.

Regardless of what went on with him and his ex (not really your concern to be honest) he is not a decent man. No man (or woman) should leave their pregnant partner with no means of contact for a whole day, not wake up to say 'have a nice Christmas', make themselves unnecessarily unavailable on the last time you get a Christmas as a couple without your new dc, pretend to be ill, lie about and hide his plans, not play games continually, 'run out' of money and sponge off his pregnant partner (how is that going to pan out when mat pay stops by the way? How do his savings look?).

I can't help feeling he has taken you for a ride. He had nowhere to live and you rented a place with him, he could not 'afford' this on his own. He runs out of money. You do all his housekeeping (hmm, just like his ex, apparently).
The baby really just ties you to him even further.

You have a chance now to free yourself from this immature irresponsible manchild. Best do it sooner rather than later I think.

Is the place you are in now rented in both your names?

Him: oh look at that chicken

That seems to sum up his methods of operation, from my reading of this thread.

@foodylicious op said it’s a joint tenancy.

I've given him waay too much slack to avoid being the way he describes her as being.

Aaaah, yes. I did that too. He told me she stopped wanting to have sex. Of course, when we were first together I could not imagine how this happened. Later, I stopped wanting sex, mainly because I realised he was quite selfish and not that great at it, got more selfish over the years, plus it's hard to keep fancying a total plank. But, I didn't refuse because I wanted to avoid him being able to say the same about me. Then I did start to refuse and he just carried on anyway.
Then you start to wonder why they really split up!

“Me: you acted appallingly this Christmas it really hurt me

Him: why because I was here asleep ill

Me: no because you didn't even bother to ring, you didn't even have the decency to send a text message. It was Christmas day and you didn't even think to let me know you were heading home.

Him: sorry (a short unconvincing sorry at that)

Him: oh look at that chicken (on come dine with me) it doesn't even look as though it's cooked properly!”

This is exactly how the same conersation would have gone with my ex. Seriously, it doesn’t get any better. You just regret not leaving sooner when you eventually do.

Icedcocoa I've given him waay too much slack to avoid being the way he describes her as being.

This is a very common tactic. He makes a big point of reminding you how controlling his ex was so that you’re thinking “Christ I better make sure not to turn into her” so you overcompensate by going the complete opposite way and being far too passive. Honestly, it’s so common.

His ex buying him trousers yeah I did find that a bit bizarre. He is useless at buying clothes to be honest, rarely bothers with new ones (he is clean and tidy in appearance) just doesn't ever seem to add to his wardrobe.

This particular pair of trousers however, when we pass a certain type of shop that sells these designs of trousers he always says he wants to get a new pair. (Already has some similar) he has a certain style.. a little quirky.

Maybe when ex asked what he wanted for Christmas he said a pair of those trousers. She clearly knew to get him something he would like.

I told him im not buying him any more cigarettes, said I can't afford to. Don't worry he says, I've got enough money for my cigarettes. Weird that considering he was saying the other day he's now on the bones of his backside until payday and asked whether I could grab him some on Xmas eve morning. May have borrowed some money from his brother or had a small amount left himself. Either way that's not coming out of my pocket any more. Cheeky git asking me for them on Christmas eve.

Yeah the tenancy is joint in both of our names. Well spotted that he couldn't have afforded the place by himself. It worked well that I wanted to get somewhere with him after I got pregnant didn't it. He does pay his share of the bills and rent so won't slag him off for that or pretend that he doesnt, and when he is paid he's happy to pay for the bulk of things most the time. Its just the end of the month we run into these problems.

He's in arse kissing mode now, says he's going to do dinner tonight and run me a bath, apologising for not sorting the washing out etc.

Interesting to hear its a common tactic used by people to emphasise how controlling an ex was, to orchestrate a situation where the new partner over compensates to avoid 'being the same'

I've definitely lowered my standards in what I demand from a relationship and bitten my tongue to avoid him thinking I'm like he says she is. Very interesting indeed.

He claimed she was controlling, constantly checked up on him, didn't 'let' him go out anywhere, didn't 'let' him talk to friends or use social media and didn't let him breath

This sounds to me like a technique to tell you how you are supposed to behave.

You are much too lovely for such a man-child. One of the contributing factors to my being a single mum was that I didn't fancy having to look after two "children".

Thank you coyo

Certainly seems I would be wiping the backside of two children. One baby and one adult baby.

My tolerance has thinned alot lately. I don't imagine I'll be putting up with all this crap for one second when baby comes home and things don't change. Which they won't. Unless I become 'controlling'

He claimed she was controlling, constantly checked up on him, didn't 'let' him go out anywhere, didn't 'let' him talk to friends or use social media and didn't let him breath

Maybe she got like this because he was cheating, not because she is a weirdo.

You don't need to control him OP

Take control of yours and your baby's life, now.

Leave him in his out of control spiral.

Move in with your family who WILL support you. He can find a lodger to share tenancy with.

You'll be better off. Really.

So ask him for the money back from the cigarettes you bought him on Christmas Eve.

I will never know if he cheated on her as that's not something he's ever likely to admit to, but it wound be unusual for someone to be insecure to that extent if she had no reasoning to be so maybe he did give her grounds to suspect him.

Family have said they are on stand by to support me with bump if I end up going it alone, I'm glad I'm not completely alone x

Your family sound lovely