Not answering questions on stupid “DD”

[MrsH2010]

Expecting our fourth baby, and much like the three before this one I have had my “due date” changed three times so far, and as all the other three were early anyway to varying degrees I find it a fairly useless date. I’ve told people the month and even specified “mid” month instead of being totally vague.

My MiL has now asked me 6 times in person what EXACT date I am due. Each time so far it was in casual conversation and I simply answered mid Feb.
Last night we were in a more formal setting and as the table went quiet, surrounded by other people, she asked for a SEVENTH time do we know when the baby is due- I said yes. She said what’s the date then, and I replied I’m not telling you. It’s moved three times, I find them fairly useless as all the others have been early anyway, the moment you start telling people you set yourself up for “has the baby arrived yet/ what a shame it’s your due date and no baby etc etc” texts and messages. I said I far prefer the French system where you’re given a due month- sometimes up to six weeks and the pressure is off women, and the expectation of everyone else is managed in such a different way.
I’m so cross because I felt like she finally thought she had me cornered by asking yet again so publically, and probably thought I had no choice but to answer her with a date. I just don’t understand why you would ever push anyone on giving an answer like that after the first few attempts of getting an answer. I made it clear we’ve not told ANYONE- not just her. Unless someone fancies having the baby for me, what does it matter what “date” i’ve Got 😂
AIBU?!?

It's NU for MAIL to ask once, but not to keep asking and do it in a public way to embarrass OP into answering.

Especially as what she is asking is when did you last ovulate/when did you DTD? Because that's what the EDD tells you! I'm sure in earlier generations it would have been considered rude to ask such personal details. Babies are born into a community, yes, but perhaps wait till they're born to stake your familiar claim!

Having a baby is not a private event. There is a good reason for why we have to register births.

I do understand that some family members can become a bit over excited but in the main it can be managed.

Everyone knows that babies are hardly ever born on the due date. so what's the problem with saying: 'It's the 15th but there's two weeks' leeway on either side' and sticking to that?

BTW I am fascinated to know what kind of magazine the OP's mother in law runs where readers would be fascinated to know about her grandchildren. Beyond the Queen and Caitlyn Jenner I'm baffled and afaik they're not big in publishing.

I'm ROFL at the utter silliness of this what she is asking is when did you last ovulate/when did you DTD

Do you honestly think mountainview that this is why the MIL wants to know when the baby is due? Do you seriously think she's interested in figuring out when her son had sex? .

It just possibly have more to do with when she can start getting excited every time the phone rings, wondering when she can welcome the baby, when she will see her......

It's rude of her to keep pushing but I think you probably come across as very odd.

Everyone knows the date is only a guideline, that it may change, that baby will arrive when he is ready, but it is still exciting to know the due date if you are close family and interested.

When my ds has a baby I hope his dp won't be so cagey with me.

Tell her a due date 2 weeks after your actual due date, then baby will arrive 'early' or on time. Apparently it's what all the celebs do....

TwitterQueen1 I get that she doesn't actually want to know that, just making the point that while it is right for a family to welcome a baby and show support in pregnancy, there are genuinely personal aspects to the process! If she understands there is only a 5-10% chance of baby being born on EDD then she really doesn't need to know the date.

There's no reason not to tell her except one upmanship and spite. OP doesn't have her Mum around, so this is an opportunity to involve baby's only grandma, bank some goodwill and build a warm relationship that may pay dividends in the future. Instead it's a clear snub and one I think op will look back on one day and feel embarrassed about, even if that's not until her own first grandchild arrives.

Astonished at the number of posters who think this pushy woman should get what she wants for no real reason.

Completely agree with the last two responses here.

YANBU OP!!

Because 'what she wants' is a perfectly normal expectation not some outlandish and shocking request.

I doubt there's many women on here who would refuse to tell their own mother the due date for their first grandchild.

I agree Rainy. I think some people on here lose perspective in their haste to exalt pregnant women. It's a recurring theme on here which bears no resemblance to rl whatsoever. In rl it is normal for a grandmother to ask for a due date and normal for that to be cheerfully provided, whether there's any 'point' to her knowing or not. It's a prevalent and utterly harmless social convention.

The mil in this case is probably confused and upset that this information is being doggedly withheld from her. She will know it's stubborness, hence asking several times. She will sense the power play from her dil who is holding her at arms length.

I don't know why OP's dh hasn't just given his mum the due date himself. Perhaps it's because the OP holds control over the entire proceedings to the point where her dh isn't even allowed to involve his own mother in his happy event. I don't know.

What I do know is that it's rude, unusual and not particularly pleasant to behave this way.

OP you seem to have disappeared. I definitely agree in not giving a due date. I did that with my first who then came at 42 weeks. Those last two weeks were HELL. In the end I had to email virtually everybody I'd ever net saying I'd let them know when baby arrived because I was inundated with people contacting me about when baby was coming. And one congratulating me and suggesting is not had the time to tell him yet!

But this was in France where they most definitely give a due date. There was no ambiguity about it! Everybody expected to be told too.

Second time round I either told people "Spring" or gave the 42 weeks date as the 40 weeks date.

The mil in this case is probably confused and upset that this information is being doggedly withheld from her.

The information is not being withheld. She's been told it's "mid February" which is perfectly acceptable. Any normal person would have taken that answer and been happy with it. It is just as accurate an answer as "10:35 pm on 15/2/18"

What I do know is that it's rude, unusual and not particularly pleasant to behave this way.

What is rude and unpleasant is to continue to nag someone when they have already given you all the answer you need. "Mid February" is a perfectly acceptable response.

MIL then printed in a magazine she runs, including full names of all our other children, and month Baby was expected - as that's the only info she has, as well as where we live! It went to a distribution list of 600-1000 people I don't know

This alone is why she shouldn't be given any further information. Hardly the "confused and upset" grandmother.

What I want to know is on what basis do the doctors change the EDD. I thought it was established just once depending on the period just before the conception.

I haven't been told the official due date for any of my DGC so far, thinking about it. I was the first person to be told about GC1 but DS didn't give an actual date iirc, just a half-of-month. I can't understand why it matters to anyone. Babies come when they're ready, or when medical services advise they're better out than in. Pushy MIL can just as easily put "due mid Feb" in her newsletter as "due on 14th Feb". As someone pointed out above, it's unlikely the majority of her faithful readers could actually care less when her (at least) 4th DGC is scheduled to arrive.

Basically, when you get down to it, it is the one who is carrying the baby and who is going to have to do the eye-crossing stuff who should have the main say on what information she passes on. Her physical and mental health comes first and people need to cut her a bit of slack if she becomes (what they would consider to be) irrational. You may think it's rude not to provide the exact information requested, but the proper response IMO is to accept her decision, whilst maybe rolling your eyes and thinking "I expect she'll land on planet Earth again some time after the birth". She may be happy after the event to discuss how accurate or otherwise the EDD was. To discuss it beforehand seems a hostage to fortune to some people.

ps I never, never asked DIL whether it was here yet. Obviously it wasn't or they would have said. I just enquired after her health, as you do, because, you know, I do care about DIL as a person rather than merely an incubator (although she does make a very good incubator too). DS said they were a bit bored waiting for GC1 and I reminded him he was 15 days late and none the worse for it. I also advised him to enjoy the extra nights' sleep while he could!

Those last two weeks were HELL

Haha, lots of caring people texting and phoning to ask if there's any sign of baby yet is HELL? I would suggest people who consider this HELL are just a tad princessy and self absorbed. I can think of lots of things in life that might be described as HELL, including no one giving a shit when or whether you pop out your baby.

OP's mil was wrong to announce the pregnancy in her village or church magazine against OP's wishes, although our village magazine does this too. I'm not disputing that. But expecting a son to be cagey about the due date of his first child, with his own mother, is mean.

"I would suggest people who consider this HELL are just a tad princessy and self absorbed."

Yup as well as being bloody objectionable. I've had three kids and know this well. It was mildly irritating at most. It is not HELL.

It's not HELL being asked about your baby and pregnancy. That's utterly ridiculous. What would be HELL would be being completely ignored.

I doubt there's many women on here who would refuse to tell their own mother the due date for their first grandchild.

If I thought I could of gotten away with it, I wouldn't of told a SOUL I was even having a baby until she was here, safe and alive.

Not all pregnancy's are pleasant, joy filled experiences.** Those well meaning "lots of caring people texting and phoning to ask if there's any sign of baby yet" could be causing stress and upset. Information about a pregnancy is not owed to anyone. She doesn't have to tell anyone, anything if she doesn't want too.

What would be HELL would be being completely ignored.

To you. I’d have gladly preferred it to endless “baby yet? any news yet? any twinges yet? Surely you’ve had that baby by now! Gosh are you STILL pregnant, why haven’t they induced you, didn’t you know that’s dangerous and Sandra’s hairdresser’s sister she went overdue and her baby DIED!” multiple times a day as I was shuttling back and forth to hospital, ill and scared and stressed out of my mind.

If I thought I could of gotten away with it, I wouldn't of told a SOUL I was even having a baby until she was here, safe and alive.

I totally relate to this. I actually would prefer to have been completely ignored this pregnancy ad it’s been a particularly difficult one. So sick of people expecting me to give the ins and outs of what problems there are in great detail every time I’m asked and then listening to pointless platitudes like ‘well the time will fly by’. No, when you feel as shit as I do, time does not fly.

The final straw was when I was having contractions far too prematurely and those that feel they have some divine right over this pregnancy got rather too excited over the idea of a Christmas baby and took it upon themselves to remind me that I needn’t worry if it was too early, the baby would surely survive at that particular gestation, conveniently forgetting how scared I was and how awful having a tiny, probably sick premature baby could be for me, DH and DD.

Thankfully, the baby stayed put but I’ll be fucked if I’m sharing any information with these ‘concerned and excited’ relatives. This is my pregnancy, my baby, and about us only and OP has every right to feel the same way.

All this fuss over a due date I have had questions in public from relatives about exactly what caused me to attempt suicide resulting in breaking my back and questions about things I told a MH professional in front of another family member.

A due date would be take compared to what my relatives ask.