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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not answering questions on stupid “DD”

252 replies

MrsH2010 · 23/12/2017 08:47

Expecting our fourth baby, and much like the three before this one I have had my “due date” changed three times so far, and as all the other three were early anyway to varying degrees I find it a fairly useless date. I’ve told people the month and even specified “mid” month instead of being totally vague.

My MiL has now asked me 6 times in person what EXACT date I am due. Each time so far it was in casual conversation and I simply answered mid Feb.
Last night we were in a more formal setting and as the table went quiet, surrounded by other people, she asked for a SEVENTH time do we know when the baby is due- I said yes. She said what’s the date then, and I replied I’m not telling you. It’s moved three times, I find them fairly useless as all the others have been early anyway, the moment you start telling people you set yourself up for “has the baby arrived yet/ what a shame it’s your due date and no baby etc etc” texts and messages. I said I far prefer the French system where you’re given a due month- sometimes up to six weeks and the pressure is off women, and the expectation of everyone else is managed in such a different way.
I’m so cross because I felt like she finally thought she had me cornered by asking yet again so publically, and probably thought I had no choice but to answer her with a date. I just don’t understand why you would ever push anyone on giving an answer like that after the first few attempts of getting an answer. I made it clear we’ve not told ANYONE- not just her. Unless someone fancies having the baby for me, what does it matter what “date” i’ve Got 😂
AIBU?!?

OP posts:
darklady64 · 23/12/2017 13:10

I agree with the others who say just add a couple of weeks onto your date and tell her that to shut her up. But I had a MIL like this - wouldn't take "no" or "I don't know" for an answer. When I gave her an approximate date (because that was all I knew myself), she then asked DH the minute he walked in the door - because I was obviously lying to her and witholding information on purpose (or at least that was what it made me feel like). She would do the manipulative asking in front of others thing too, and then looking smug because she thought she had me cornered. So I get where you are coming from OP

deptfordgirl · 23/12/2017 13:18

Why don't you just tell her? She's the child's grandmother and I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to know the date so she can be excited and prepared. I'm pregnant at the moment and am constantly asked my dd by people I barely know. Really doesn't bother me.

MsHomeSlice · 23/12/2017 13:20

i wouldn't tell either...first one was two weeks late, the tension of the phone calls was unbearable and gave me a bit of a phone phobia I am not over even now...a quarter of a century on!

I was much vaguer about the next two! and DD's date was changed every single time anyone looked at my notes....they all tutted, crossed out the date that was there, asked me all the questions, and got the same answers from me, but dates for her ranged from mid october to past Bonfire Night....ffs!

Seeingadistance · 23/12/2017 13:26

Given than fewer than 10% of babies are born on their due date, and that being born anytime within the four weeks straddling the due date is perfectly normal, then mid February is a satisfactory and informative answer.

Cannotwillnot · 23/12/2017 13:28

I think it’s really odd not to tell your MIL your due date. If she knows the month she’s going to keep asking anyway Confused

BrownLiverSpot · 23/12/2017 13:38

Just say a different, random date each time.

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 23/12/2017 13:43

*deptfordgirl

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to know the date so she can be excited and prepared.

Exactly the issue. The grandmother wants to be excited and prepared about a very, very specific day. And what will this attitude of excited preparation feel like to OP, if, as is most likely the OP doesnt go into labour on that day. I could guess, but the OP has been there, done that and remembers from child 1.

I'm pregnant at the moment and am constantly asked my dd by people I barely know. Really doesn't bother me.

First baby, though? Do come back and tell us how it feels when all those people you barely know text and call you on your due date to demand where the baby is, and reproach you for not going into labour yet.

That's what the OP is worried about.

pictish · 23/12/2017 13:44

"Given than fewer than 10% of babies are born on their due date, and that being born anytime within the four weeks straddling the due date is perfectly normal, then mid February is a satisfactory and informative answer."

Yes, if you were telling HR at work or the lollipop lady at your dc's school...but your mil, the baby's grandmother, who has asked for specifics? No...that's cold.

elliejjtiny · 23/12/2017 13:46

Yanbu. I had the "haven't you had that baby yet?" rubbish starting from when I was 26 weeks pregnant last time. I had a history of premature birth and already had a child with long term health problems because of his early arrival. So I was anxiously hoping to stay pregnant for as long as possible.

diddl · 23/12/2017 13:48

But what would she do if given the info?

Take the day off just in case to ready to be first at the hospital?

Keep phoning on the day to see if Op has had the baby?

Both of above useless baby is early & firsy one useless if it's late!

codswallopandbalderdash · 23/12/2017 13:49

I too didn't give specific date - indicated month and general timescale. Didn't want people beginning to worry if baby was late / or early (or to have to deal with the texts / calls / posts etc along the lines of any news yet? Are you in labour??)

Inertia · 23/12/2017 13:53

The problem with giving specific dates is that babies don't follow the schedule. The grandmother can't do any more to prepare if she's told a particular date than if she's told a rough estimate (which is all the OP has anyway)

MirriVan · 23/12/2017 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 23/12/2017 14:02

We did this with our third, just gave a rough mid Feb answer when asked. I went over on both Dd and DS1 and the constant questions from due date onwards drove me insane. No one batted a eyelid or thought I was rude/ weird for not telling. Of course DS2 then turned up only two days over his due date but it was nice not being asked 'any sign yet' by all and sundry.

deptfordgirl · 23/12/2017 14:02

Second baby actually. I was 5 days late with ds. I don't think anyone expects you to go into labour on your dd but it's useful to know an estimate. If my sister or best friend was having a baby I would want to know the dd rather than 'mid month' but maybe that's just me.

Halfdrankbrew · 23/12/2017 14:05

I gave my in laws a date 3 weeks later then the real one. They were happy thinking they knew everything and I didn't get pestered. When the baby arrived a week early (than the real due date) it was a month before we'd told them it was due! I think they must have realised as I went home a few hours after the birth all fine. If we have another I plan to do the same Grin.

Just make a date up later than the actual due date.

DeadButDelicious · 23/12/2017 14:06

There are lots of reasons why a person may not want to answer or deal with a barrage of well meaning but intrusive questions. We lost our first daughter, so when I fell pregnant with our 2nd I found the relentless questions very, very hard.

"Is this your first?"
"When are they due?"
"Is it a boy or a girl?"

I just wanted to shout at people to leave me alone. She wasn't my first but my first is dead and no one wants to hear that, I didn't want to say when they were due because I knew full well they could come before and I didn't want to say the sex as then I just got questioned even more about how I felt about that.

OP has a right to her privacy, she has her reasons and they are valid, she is not being unreasonable.

Allthetuppences · 23/12/2017 14:07

I've always been vague. Sorry you're being inerogated over this - how odd! Surely stats show due dates are very much an 'ish' in life!

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 23/12/2017 14:07

I don't think anyone expects you to go into labour on your dd

This is clearly, indubitably... not true. On this thread alone, plenty of people testify to experiences the pressures of others' expectations. Plenty of people do indeed expect you to give birth on the date!

OP is on child 4, so I think she'll know what kind of relatives she has.

Loverunandwine · 23/12/2017 14:09

Second tine round I told everyone my DD was 2 weeks later than it actually was!!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/12/2017 14:14

In he OPs case, I would go with saying "I'm x weeks now, 40 weeks is full term but it's unlikely to arrive then so I don't have an exact due date."

Keep repeating how many weeks you are now.

bellie710 · 23/12/2017 14:17

I think that is a brilliant idea and I wish I had done that. All 3 of mine were over a week - 2 weeks late and from about a month before they were actually born I was constantly bombarded with phone calls and texts, this would make life much more peaceful.

Pengggwn · 23/12/2017 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

limitedperiodonly · 23/12/2017 15:58

It's not weird or intrusive to ask your about pregnant woman's due date unless we are living in a version of The Handmaid's Tale where they are commodities to be monitored.

I realise that kind of thing happens in some families but mostly it's just an excited mother or mother in law or just a polite enquiry from someone who doesn't really care - that would be me btw.

Seeingadistance · 23/12/2017 16:51

"Given than fewer than 10% of babies are born on their due date, and that being born anytime within the four weeks straddling the due date is perfectly normal, then mid February is a satisfactory and informative answer."

Yes, if you were telling HR at work or the lollipop lady at your dc's school...but your mil, the baby's grandmother, who has asked for specifics? No...that's cold.

It's not cold, it's accurate. Any date within that four week period is as likely to be the "due date" as any other.

And, the OP says that this is her fourth child, so I'd assume that her choice not to share one particular due date is as a result of experience.

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