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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not answering questions on stupid “DD”

252 replies

MrsH2010 · 23/12/2017 08:47

Expecting our fourth baby, and much like the three before this one I have had my “due date” changed three times so far, and as all the other three were early anyway to varying degrees I find it a fairly useless date. I’ve told people the month and even specified “mid” month instead of being totally vague.

My MiL has now asked me 6 times in person what EXACT date I am due. Each time so far it was in casual conversation and I simply answered mid Feb.
Last night we were in a more formal setting and as the table went quiet, surrounded by other people, she asked for a SEVENTH time do we know when the baby is due- I said yes. She said what’s the date then, and I replied I’m not telling you. It’s moved three times, I find them fairly useless as all the others have been early anyway, the moment you start telling people you set yourself up for “has the baby arrived yet/ what a shame it’s your due date and no baby etc etc” texts and messages. I said I far prefer the French system where you’re given a due month- sometimes up to six weeks and the pressure is off women, and the expectation of everyone else is managed in such a different way.
I’m so cross because I felt like she finally thought she had me cornered by asking yet again so publically, and probably thought I had no choice but to answer her with a date. I just don’t understand why you would ever push anyone on giving an answer like that after the first few attempts of getting an answer. I made it clear we’ve not told ANYONE- not just her. Unless someone fancies having the baby for me, what does it matter what “date” i’ve Got 😂
AIBU?!?

OP posts:
PinkyBlunder · 23/12/2017 09:07

I could’ve written this OP.

With DD the asking was relentless and I’m not ashamed to say it made me dig my heels in. In the end I gave up and then for 2 weeks before said date it was a barrage of messages. ‘Is the baby here?’ ‘When’s the baby coming?’ ‘is the baby coming on the due date?’ ‘Oh no the baby’s late’ ‘I think the baby’s coming on XYZ day’

It was incessant and not once did anyone ask if I was ok (I wasn’t) and it did upset me a bit.

So this time I’ve been saying end of Jan/beginning of Feb because it literally could be either. Now we know I’m having an elective c section, every time someone asks me I say I’m not quite sure because I’m having a section and I don’t have a date yet. They say ‘oh but you’ll have a good idea of when they’ll do it, when is it?’

ARE YOU DEAF?! I said I don’t have a date yet AND it will depend on the baby, me, the surgeon, the theatre slots on any one given day, if there are any emergencies to go before me, if I go into labour early.

As it happens, according to my dates, a section will happen end of January/beginning of February Grin

So you’re not the only one that gets pissed off by this and I for one definitely don’t think YABU.

Enwi · 23/12/2017 09:07

Sorry hadn’t finished.
The EDD obviously doesn’t matter to you, which is fine, but it obviously does matter to her and it wouldn’t have cost you anything to just tell her a date.

Whinesalot · 23/12/2017 09:09

I think it's odd to be secretive about it too but having said that sounds disrespectful too.

Do you want to keep locking horns? Because you are currently doing tit for tat.

TwitterQueen1 · 23/12/2017 09:09

I'm afraid I think you're the one being passive aggressive here OP. Why on earth don't you just tell her a date? What does it matter? You say you're a private person - a new baby is not a private thing, people want to celebrate, especially MILs. And people are not stupid - they do know babies don't arrive to date or to order.

You are excluding her, pushing her away and being a bit unkind. OK so she shouldn't have printed names of your family but I'm guessing this is maybe a Church publication? So that would be a normal thing for that community.

Whinesalot · 23/12/2017 09:10

Or just tell her a date a couple of weeks later then it'll be here before she starts pestering.

ElsieMay123 · 23/12/2017 09:11

I'm with you OP, I keep being asked by friends and family and just say 'mid-feb' and without fail they follow up with 'when?'. I wonder what the obsession is with a very precise but potentially wildly inaccurate date? I should add that most are already parents and must know that the date is more of a place marker than a timetable...

Chewbecca · 23/12/2017 09:12

I find it odd that you're being secretive about it, she's looking forward to a new grandchild, you're being awkward and trying to exclude her.

stella23 · 23/12/2017 09:14

You both sound like you're man for each other

diddl · 23/12/2017 09:14

I get you Op.

It's like asking if you have any names in mind-it's not really useful information-people just want to know as much as you!

SoupDragon · 23/12/2017 09:15

OP, it's normal for people to ask your EDD

Its normal for them to ask once and accept your answer.

OP, YANBU for the reasons you gave.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2017 09:16

I think it's you creating the drama here. Just tell her the date! Everyone knows babies come at different times.

TBH, you've totally undermined your own reason about not wanting to be hassled, as you're so sure that 3 babies before EDD means the 4th will be too. If you really think that, then giving her the EDD will actually help because it will shut her up until then - and so you'll have the baby (early) before she starts.

If you're due in Feb, why not just say 28th?

Totally unnecessary drama.

Although having read your other posts, she's a horror!

SoupDragon · 23/12/2017 09:16

Why are people asking the OP why she won't just give a date? She's said exactly why. Confused

PinkyBlunder · 23/12/2017 09:17

Oh yes the name thing.

Have you got a name.
No.
Have you thought of any though.
No.
But which names do you like.
FUCK OFF!!!!

Along with:

How big is the bay going to be? Whilst sizing up your bump.
I don’t know. Let me just get my x-ray goggles out and have a little peek.... Hmm

Bringmewineandcake · 23/12/2017 09:17

You could maybe ask mnhq to amend your title, I thought you were referring to your new baby as “stupid”. Maybe change to EDD?
It’s your choice on whether you give the exact date or not, I can understand why you wouldn’t.

JoyceDivision · 23/12/2017 09:21

Sorry you don't have your mum around op, x

diddl · 23/12/2017 09:21

I've told this before but I might be able to top the daft questions.

When my waters broke with my 2nd, I phoned ILs as they were coing to look after PFB.

MIL just panicked & put me onto FILHmm

Who very authoritatively asked me when would I be having the baby!HmmConfusedGrin

MajesticWhine · 23/12/2017 09:22

YABU. Just tell her. Less aggro all round.

SeaToSki · 23/12/2017 09:22

Tell her you are due in April. Grin then your baby will be safe in your arms before all the questions start

OnTheRise · 23/12/2017 09:22

Wow. That magazine thing was way out of line. As is her repeated questioning you about your due date.

It's your baby, and you have no obligation to share anything if you don't want to. She must have thought you'd feel forced into telling her the date at that table: I'm glad you didn't.

Next time she asks tell her the subject is not up for discussion, and then don't say anything. Let her feel awkward. She sounds dreadful.

Inkstainedmags · 23/12/2017 09:24

YY to telling her a date months after you're actually due!

PinkyBlunder · 23/12/2017 09:24

Didl that’s quite funny Grin

reallyanotherone · 23/12/2017 09:25

Pinky- you forgot the sex obsession.

Is it a boy or a girl? When do you find out?

How will you know which colour to buy? You must know, or you can’t decorate the nursery.

Your dh must want to know if it’s a boy he can play football with.

I want to buy you a present so you have to tell me or I won’t know whether to buy wildly impractical pink frilly dresses or wildly impractical 3 piece suit with waistcoat. It’ll be so cute, i can’t buy neutral it’s boring...

And even: you need to find out because if it’s a boy this time you’ll have one of each and you can arrange to have the snip at the same time...

Polly99 · 23/12/2017 09:25

I’d just give her a date a few weeks from my EDD to put an end to it. That’s what I did with DC2 in order to deal with my in-laws’ belief that an EDD is some sort of contractual promise.
The publishing of names etc is not great. Has your DH had a word with MIL about it?

snugasapuginarug · 23/12/2017 09:27

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. It's your baby and your medical information, completely up to you if you want to give it out? I imagine your husband knows the EDD and respects your choice not to tell anyone. It's really no one else's business.
For the record I did tell everyone my due dates and went two weeks over both times, but the questioning didn't really bother me. Each to their own!

MooPointCowsOpinion · 23/12/2017 09:28

I’m like you OP, I value my privacy and I don’t like to chit chat about the due date, gender, name, weight over and over again for 7 months straight with ever fucker who asks. I regret telling my MIL anything about me or the kids every single time, she will bring it up over and over again and tell it to every single person she meets.

It’s just not fun, or good conversation, and I find it quite stressful to have my boundaries overstepped without any thought to my comfort.

Don’t tell her anything you don’t want to, setting strong boundaries now will continue in your favour as she’s bound to keep pushing them with the kids too.