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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not answering questions on stupid “DD”

252 replies

MrsH2010 · 23/12/2017 08:47

Expecting our fourth baby, and much like the three before this one I have had my “due date” changed three times so far, and as all the other three were early anyway to varying degrees I find it a fairly useless date. I’ve told people the month and even specified “mid” month instead of being totally vague.

My MiL has now asked me 6 times in person what EXACT date I am due. Each time so far it was in casual conversation and I simply answered mid Feb.
Last night we were in a more formal setting and as the table went quiet, surrounded by other people, she asked for a SEVENTH time do we know when the baby is due- I said yes. She said what’s the date then, and I replied I’m not telling you. It’s moved three times, I find them fairly useless as all the others have been early anyway, the moment you start telling people you set yourself up for “has the baby arrived yet/ what a shame it’s your due date and no baby etc etc” texts and messages. I said I far prefer the French system where you’re given a due month- sometimes up to six weeks and the pressure is off women, and the expectation of everyone else is managed in such a different way.
I’m so cross because I felt like she finally thought she had me cornered by asking yet again so publically, and probably thought I had no choice but to answer her with a date. I just don’t understand why you would ever push anyone on giving an answer like that after the first few attempts of getting an answer. I made it clear we’ve not told ANYONE- not just her. Unless someone fancies having the baby for me, what does it matter what “date” i’ve Got 😂
AIBU?!?

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 23/12/2017 11:30

Just make up a date. For several weeks after the real one....

AmysTiara · 23/12/2017 11:31

You both sound a bit unreasonable but to refuse to tell someone your due date is pretty odd.

snugasapuginarug · 23/12/2017 11:33

We don't know context or tone though. Tbh after being asked over and over again most people would end up being blunt. We also don't know if OP has explained why she's not telling her (or anyone else)
This really is for me less about the fact a baby is being born and more about this lady's, or anyone's for that matter, right to privacy.

ProperLavs · 23/12/2017 11:34

She's not having the baby on her own. The baby is part of the wider family. The wider family will be involved in the baby's life or will that only be when it is useful to otherwise they can fuck off with their interfering ways?
God help them for being interested in their own flesh and blood.
It's a crazy notion that you have ownership and rights because you are pregnant. Of course you are 'special' but you are not a bloody queen.
respect the family into which your baby will be born OP.

Hissy · 23/12/2017 11:36

Tell her you’ve postponed the birth ...

Until June-ish

snugasapuginarug · 23/12/2017 11:37

She's getting the baby out on her own isn't she? I agree the baby will be part of the wider family, but there's not much the wider family can do until the baby is here. There's nothing to coo and dote over yet. MIL can't help with labour and birth which is entirely about the mother!

Notonthestairs · 23/12/2017 11:39

I dont understand why you wouldn't lie! Just add three weeks to DD and tell her that. Saves all the hassle and everyone is a winner.

BigChocFrenzy · 23/12/2017 11:41

Why should being pregnant mean that a woman is not entitled to privacy about what is happening inside HER body Confused

There is no human right to know someone else's private medical information
Close family do not "own" a pregnancy.
Only the pregnant woman does.

Babieseverywhere · 23/12/2017 11:46

Just tell her 1st March and be done with it.
The baby should be here by then and it will stop the endless questions.

Inertia · 23/12/2017 11:55

I think you're gettting an unreasonably hard time on here. Given that she's already circulated the personal details of your other children to hundreds of random people, I'd be very reluctant to tell her anything of importance ever again.

It was unreasonable of her to keep asking you the same thing over and over, you've tried to be polite but she won't give over. Sometimes you have to speak plainly when people ignore politely phrased responses.

And regardless of the rolling eyes and handing out of grips from the people who believe that a woman loses bodily autonomy upon pregnancy as she merely becomes an incubating device for a baby which belongs to the wider family, it is your medical information. Once the baby is born both parents have equal responsibility for her/him. Societal convententions produce some standard pregnancy -related questions that people frequently ask, but you aren't obliged to answer them - and it's pretty rude to keep pestering.

diddl · 23/12/2017 12:00

So if being pregnant isn't a licence to be an arse, why is about to be a GM one?

Op has told her MIL mid Feb.

An actual date wouldn't give her any more useful info!

Grumpyoldwoman007 · 23/12/2017 12:10

I don't understand the hard time op is getting here. Surely it's up to her what info she shares about HER pregnancy. After asking several times and getting a vague answer mil is extremely rude to keep pressing the matter. I would not be so polite with my answer. Good luck with the birth op - whenever it happens

AnUtterIdiot · 23/12/2017 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bratsandtwats · 23/12/2017 12:21

She's not having the baby on her own.

I think you'll find she is actually.

OP YANBU. I had the same with my DC as all three went over. Plus your MIL is way out of line publishing details about your DC without permission.

Fuckit2017 · 23/12/2017 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 23/12/2017 12:30

Why don't you want to tell her?

It's right there in the OP.

Fuckit2017 · 23/12/2017 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 23/12/2017 12:35

The OP has nzwered the MIL's incessant nagging by saying "mid February" which is as accurate as the MIL needs to know. An exact date is pointless as it is basically only a guess anyway.

The MIL needs to stop her incessant questioning as she has had her answer. Any normal person would just mentally translate it as "about the 14th February" and shut up.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/12/2017 12:38

I don't know about OP, but I felt quite superstitious about my pregnancies. Since the first one ended in an early miscarriage I didn't tell anyone when I was pregnant, except XH (and that only because I needed him to know when I felt queasy!), until at least 13 weeks, and for most people I didn't mention it at all until it became impossible to conceal. (I didn't even go to the doctor until 3 months. Call me odd and unwise, that's just how I felt.) I wasn't fussy about dates as such, but I can understand those who might be. MIL was one of those GMs who are genuinely just excited and I didn't mind telling her, once things were properly established so she didn't get disappointed if anything went wrong. I could be quite confident that she was not probing for dates just in order to publish them to hundreds of random acquaintances. That, I would have had a problem with.

SoupDragon · 23/12/2017 12:39

Because the dates keep moving?

From the OP I replied I’m not telling you. It’s moved three times, I find them fairly useless as all the others have been early anyway, the moment you start telling people you set yourself up for “has the baby arrived yet/ what a shame it’s your due date and no baby etc etc” texts and messages. I said I far prefer the French system where you’re given a due month- sometimes up to six weeks and the pressure is off women, and the expectation of everyone else is managed in such a different way. and (from a subsequent post) the MIL has form for broadcasting information to all and sundry.

I hope I'm going to be a far more considerate MIL when my time comes.

Sisinisawa · 23/12/2017 12:50

Yanbu even without the drip feed. I don't give out it ask others for "due dates" as term is 37-42 weeks and anything in that period is on time.
The obsession with EDDs is unhelpful and in some cases damaging as babies can end up induced when they aren't ready because of this fixation.

bretonknickers · 23/12/2017 12:52

MIL then printed in a magazine she runs, including full names of all our other children, and month Baby was expected - as that's the only info she has, as well as where we live!

Stupid bloody woman!

I get why you don't want to give out an exact date. DD was late and I was sick to the fucking back teeth of "due date! any signs?" "is baby here yet?" etc etc etc.

bretonknickers · 23/12/2017 12:54

Ohh and someone else mentioned the sex question.

MIL "Do you want a boy or girl?"
"A girl, maybe as we already have a boy"
MIL "Doesn't matter does it, as long as it's healthy"
WHY FUCKING ASK ME THEN

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 23/12/2017 12:59

OP, you said 'mid-February'. That was perfectly sufficient information. The only reason she wants a more precise date is because she is one of the army of people who thinks that 'due dates' are accurate!

YANBU.

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 23/12/2017 13:07

Because the dates keep moving? That's the only reason I can see. And as others have said it's a edd.

Because she already knows (from having her first baby) that she has a load of family members and acquaintances who are convinced that the EDD is the most likely day for a woman to go into labour.