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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring this up to my parents now? At Xmas?

136 replies

MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:06

I've named changed, im a long time poster.

Its been building up for a few weeks now and i feel i need to say something to them

Ill give some background. My partner and I have a good relationship, stable jobs and expecting out first child early next year.
My younger brother has a 3 year old son to his on and off girlfriend. She doesn't work, fell pregnant within 4 month of seeing him. She dumped him for the 6th time about 9 month ago. My brothers been back at my parents house half a dozen times.
My parents have taught my nephew how to crawl, walk, use a cup etc as neither of them have any go in them. They dont take him to any activities, Its my mum and dad who do it all (my parents blame just her but how i see it my brother is his parent too).

Basically, my mum and dad have shown hardly any interest in how i am or the baby is. They know my baby will be looked after so they dont need to worry which is good, but because of this, theyre relaxed to the point of showing no interest.
My mum has bought things but cant help but feel its out of duty rather than interest.

My brother is now earning good money and now his ex wants him back, she tried to kiss his best friend when they'd split which DB doesnt think we'll know about. She'll no doubt fall pregnant again and thats another kid my parents will be practically bringing up.

AIBU to confront my parents how i feel? I feel knocking sense into my brother- but that's another thread. I dont want to argue over xmas but at the same time i dont want my baby pushed out cos my brothers chaotic life

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 23/12/2017 00:09

TBH, 8 don’t think it’s up to you how your parents act around their grandchild. Yabu, IMO.

Let them get on and help, it sounds like the poor child needs them.

LineyRunner · 23/12/2017 00:12

I don't see why you shouldn't broach it. But gently does it.

Original poster
MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:12

Im not bothered how the act infront of my newphew, if theyre the ones who teach him how to do everything etc but i am bothered they have another grandchild on the way and they've taken no interest

OP posts:
SleightOfMind · 23/12/2017 00:13

I think you have to suck this up a bit. Realistically, your baby won’t have any concept of being pushed out so it’s really just about you right now.

Definitely talk to your parents and brother about this situation but wait until there is an actual small person, demonstrably being left out or you will sound like a loon.

To do it over Christmas would lose you even further credibility points.

Have a calm, serious discussion in the new year.

CheeseToastie123 · 23/12/2017 00:14

Your parents are stepping up to help a potentially neglected child. I'm not sure I understand the issue.

dressinblack · 23/12/2017 00:16

Why not wait to see how they interact with your child, not just reacting to your preconceptions.

ProfYaffle · 23/12/2017 00:17

Sounds a bit like me and my cousins. My Nan did loads for my cousins as their parents had lots of problems, not so much for me but she told me that was because she didn't have to worry about me as my Mum and Dad looked after me properly.

My parents were always upset by what they saw as favouritism.

As a child I wasn't worried, I took what my Nan said at face value and though she spent more time with my cousins, she still spent time with me and we had a good relationship.

tbh, I wouldn't have been aware of the problem if my Mum hadn't told me.

Obviously this is just my experience but it may not turn out to be a huge problem.

Original poster
MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:18

Cheese toastie, i know qualms about ny parents helping my nephew at all, that's not the issue.

The issue is, I am carrying their grandchild and have not asked me how my scans are, how I am, if i need anything for the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:18

I have no** qualms

OP posts:
anothermalteserplease · 23/12/2017 00:18

I’d wait and see how they are once your baby is here.

isitme88 · 23/12/2017 00:18

I don't doubt your parents have massively helped your brother and the child. But can a child be taught how to crawl and walk?! My first born took until she was nearly 2 to walk. I was beside myself with worry. She did it when she was ready. My second born walked at 12 months. She crawled at 5.
It's easy to show enjoyment and love for an unborn baby, but until the child arrives, maybe your parents are taking a step back as there isn't a lot they can actually help with at this point. Good luck and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. It's lovely to hear that the whole family are involved. As long as the child is being looked after then please try not to dwell until the baby arrives. My MIl shows zero interest in her grandkids. Her son had a baby in November and already favouritism is being portrayed. But sometimes other people struggle more than others and require more help. See what happens in the next 12 months. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and congrats!

fizzthecat1 · 23/12/2017 00:19

Your parents are stepping up to help a potentially neglected child, I'm not sure I understand the issue

Neither do I. Waaaaa I want attention WAAAA. Who cares about the poor kid with useless parents who didn't ask to be born. Christ grow up OP

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 23/12/2017 00:20

What do you hope to achieve by 'confronting' your parents?

fizzthecat1 · 23/12/2017 00:22

The issue is, I am carrying their grandchild and have not asked me how my scans are, how I am, if i need anything for the baby

Because they are busy having to basically be parents again. They have a lot on their plate. Have you asked them how they are coping with nephew and offered to help??

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2017 00:23

I don't think you can talk to them about them pushing out your child until it is here Tbf. When I had scans I sent round a photo and told people how the baby was. I basically got oh nice photo, that's good etc. You both have stable jobs so can't imagine why they'd be asking if you need anything for the baby.

I honestly think you have to wait until baby is here and then see then tackle if necesary

mummmy2017 · 23/12/2017 00:24

Stop this right now.
Your Baby isn't here yet, and you have NO idea how your parents will interact with the baby.
Your jealous, plane and simple of the attention your DN is getting from your mum and dad.
You seem to be very bossy of others, when it's NOT your place to control the life of others. If you can't stop yourself doing this you are storing up trouble as you will get worse as you get older.
Just calm down a bit and let go of it all.
I want you to enjoy your baby free time, and stop worrying about others, and how and what they are doing. Relax a bit.

Original poster
MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:25

Fizzcat, are you on drugs? None of your post made sense Hmm
.My parents and i care a lot about my nephew and i have no issue with my parents helping and giving my nephew attention. He needs it off them and myself where hes parents lack.

Despite this situation, they have another grandchild on the way they have shown no interest in. I just hope my baby doesnt get pushed out or neglected off my parents, that's why i want to bring it up to them so theyre aware of it and dont let it happen when the baby is here.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:30

Mummy so im jealous and controlling cos i want my parents to show interest in my pregnancy?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2017 00:35

But tour baby hasn't been pushed out. You feel pushed put because they aren't asking after you and offering to but the baby stuff. Fizzcats post made perfect sense. There basically raising your nephew at an age where they thought they were past that and you want to know why they aren't calling you up all the time asking how you are. How are they? Are they coping running around after the grandson? Are they worried about of the parents get back together?

BedtimeTea · 23/12/2017 00:36

I think you could be overly sensitive due to pregnancy hormones. I would certainly say nothing in your place, but then again, this would not even be an issue for me.

Just because your brother isn't a good father doesn't mean you need to add more burden on to your parents.

mummmy2017 · 23/12/2017 00:37

MrsHolmes. your owning your problem.
My parents didn't go to my scans ask to see my pictures, buy me any furniture or anything...
But oh my once I had the baby , my dad would sit for hours holding the baby, my mother drove a 30 miles, round trip and got up at 5 to drive to the hospital the second she knew, and was late for work...
I was given loads of gifts help and love.
It's just it's harder for them to join in when it's a bump.
You already know what they will be like as Grandparents, the very best you could ever one, and as your time draws nearer, it's far easier for them to help and join in, just right now Xmas has sort of got in the way, but come New Year you will be center stay as the Big EVENT,,,
Hold off, and just wait, it will be as you want... soon.

Tinselistacky · 23/12/2017 00:38

Their priorities are focused in where they are needed right now. You should be proud of them tbh. Your baby will have experienced gps and they are bound to love it and love not having so much responsibility for it I would imagine!!

Original poster
MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:39

Bedtime, your probably right. Im working 2 jobs and heavily pregnant so i am feeling fed up.
At the same time i think what ever my brothers and nephews situation, it takes 2 seconds to ask me how the pregnancy is going, or to see a scan picture.
I dont expect them to give my nephew any less attention

OP posts:
Onlyoldontheoutside · 23/12/2017 00:40

You're baby isn't here yet and your pregnancy isn't as interesting to other people as it is to you.
I hope that this is your hormones causing you this reaction.You do not live with your parents so the situation doesn't impact on you.Not sure how this conversation would go,that you need them to be aware of a situation that only exists in your head?

ToddlerIs2 · 23/12/2017 00:42

Have you offered to show them a scan pic and they've refused? Have you gone to speak about your pregnancy and them shut you down? Because if so you are right to feel aggrieved