AIBU to bring this up to my parents now? At Xmas?

[MrsSHolmes]

I've named changed, im a long time poster.

Its been building up for a few weeks now and i feel i need to say something to them

Ill give some background. My partner and I have a good relationship, stable jobs and expecting out first child early next year.
My younger brother has a 3 year old son to his on and off girlfriend. She doesn't work, fell pregnant within 4 month of seeing him. She dumped him for the 6th time about 9 month ago. My brothers been back at my parents house half a dozen times.
My parents have taught my nephew how to crawl, walk, use a cup etc as neither of them have any go in them. They dont take him to any activities, Its my mum and dad who do it all (my parents blame just her but how i see it my brother is his parent too).

Basically, my mum and dad have shown hardly any interest in how i am or the baby is. They know my baby will be looked after so they dont need to worry which is good, but because of this, theyre relaxed to the point of showing no interest.
My mum has bought things but cant help but feel its out of duty rather than interest.

My brother is now earning good money and now his ex wants him back, she tried to kiss his best friend when they'd split which DB doesnt think we'll know about. She'll no doubt fall pregnant again and thats another kid my parents will be practically bringing up.

AIBU to confront my parents how i feel? I feel knocking sense into my brother- but that's another thread. I dont want to argue over xmas but at the same time i dont want my baby pushed out cos my brothers chaotic life

Yabu. I know your hormones will be making you emotional but you need to grow up & not have such high expectations of your parents. If they are practically bringing up a gc they will be exhausted. Please don't pile more pressure & guilt on them.

Try to focus on being grateful for what you have-perhaps you can go to some tots groups with your mum & other dc or spend some other time together when baby arrives.

Congratulations & good luck-it May not feel fair but you are unlikely to change the fact that your brother currently needs more support than you

Ah not asking about scans is upsetting but some people just don't remember about these things-my parents always do, DV's never.

I'd say avoid the resentment by proactively ringing them after & saying we had the scan all is good to give them the chance to talk with you rather than waiting for them to remember

Bloody hell, I had to read the OP again to check how old your child was and then realised it hasn't even been born yet!!!

Yep, go right ahead and throw a childish hissy fit over the turkey dinner on Monday.

My own mother has been really involved with my sister’s dc for the last three years as my sister was at university and needed the help. My mum has been there for her far, far more than she has been for me despite us having dc the same age. It’s never crossed my mind to be put out by it.

Yabu waiting for them to ask about the scan etc. Surely you just have a conversation and in the normal course of it, you say things like "oh the scan went really well today".
You dps have a lot going on in their lives at the moment. They may be very interested when the baby is actually here. You seem to have high expectations though. They will obviously be more involved with a child that they are practically bringing up, however much they will love a GC.

They weren't teaching the child to walk and crawl that's impossible They were encouraging it, which is what it's parents should have been doing. They may not even want to be doing as much for the child but obviously feel they have to. They may relish your child because they can take a back seat and be a GP instead of a stand in parent.

Dc not even here yet

I personally wouldn't bring it up over Christmas.

So they don't ask to see scan pics or ask what you need for the baby....

It's not a biggie Op

They will most likely be wonderful GP's just give them chance.

Me too Ellisandra. I did exactly the same. OP, it may possibly be worse than you know and your parents are probably distracted with worry. Social services could be involved, possibly at a high level. Your parents may know of high levels of neglect. At this time it may be good to step up and support them - I am sure that you are doing this anyway. Show the scan photos, talk about your future baby... they will probably enjoy this and get more involved. Doing two jobs whilst pregnant sounds hard work. Hope everythings works itself out.

I agree with the OP and think she is being treated harshly here. She is pg and would like her parents to show some interest. That's not unreasonable. I agree that her parents are overwhelmed and tired because they are essentially having to parent when they should be grandparents. But even so, it's hard for the OP. Not her fault her brother and his partner are crap.

Iwannaseehowitends.

Thanks. Ive been on MN long enough to know people jump to their own conclusions.

Seems some posters seem to think I want all the attention on me when my parents should be concentrating on my DN which is really not the case.

Never have I ever insinuated my nephew should not get any less attention than he does.
Never have i said he needs less attention than i should get.
Never have i said that my child is here, i know this and they are kicking me in the ribs right now.

All i am saying is,at the moment they have shown very little interest. Could they not ask about my baby while my nephew is having his dinner? Or to not to change the subject when i say anything about the baby?

Yes the baby is not here yet, im well aware of that but i am anxious in seeing how my parents are now and to hope it doesnt change when baby is here, im a first time mum and have no idea

Unless there’s a massive back story, I do think they can’t handle anymore than they have on their plate. Therefore, coming at it with upset and demands to take an interest, I want you to see the baby is the wrong stance. More likely to work is a discussion about getting dn to meet the baby, how you could do things with the children together. How you see looking after your baby and that you make clear you don’t expect childcare from them. In other words, take the pressure off.

Mummy, they know i wouldnt want childcare etc off them.
They see my nephew half the week, i do come round when hes not there, and they're no different. So its not as if they're busy with him that they cant show any interest.
I am being anxious,worrying over things that haven't happened yet, but how they are being now, it is worrying (to me)
The last thing i want is my baby being pushed out just because their cousin has shit parents. Its not their fault.

I think when the baby comes I may just distance myself so they can concentrate on DN and I won't have sit there having my baby ignored or watch them feign interest

I see. From your op, I think it’s being assumed by several of us including myself that they have him full time. Still, they’re likely to be tired. If they are all consumed with your dn, it may well be that they are very worried about him when he’s not with them. Perhaps when your baby is born, they may be able to gain some perspective. What I’m saying is don’t expect the worse. And know you’ve planned for it happening. Right now, you’re feeling very negative. When your baby is born, I hope you find plenty of joy.

Oh get a grip. Distance yourself so you don't have to watch your baby being ignored? Fucking hell.

But really it doesn’t use much emotional headspace to ask about scans, mention names, clothes she has bought, ask how she is feeling etc.

Exactly. I’m shocked at how harsh some people have been here. Yes the OP’s parents have a lot on their plates but FFS their daughter is about to have a baby for the first time!

But now isn’t the time to have the talk to have the conversation. Please wait until after the baby is born before talking to them - maybe they’ll be different when baby’s arrived.

I can't imagine my mum "asking about the baby"
How would that go?
Mum "so, how's the baby?"
Me "gestating, kicking"
Mum "the same as every other foetus in the world then?"
"Me, yup"

My parents didn't want to see the scan picture as to them it was a badly tuned tv photo. It wasn't their baby. That kind of thing is for you and your dh to enjoy, and your friends will probably make the right noises too.

But you are sounding incredibly immature. Why mention your nephew at all if you are so relaxed about their relationship and input with him?
You mentioned it because you are jealous and when hormonal and pregnant, that's fine, but own it.

Your parents have bought you things for goodness sake, most grandparents I know just turn up to the hospital with gifts unless they are offering money towards the pram or cot.

This is your child, it will grow up happy with whatever interaction it has with its grandparents because that is all they have ever known. You need to stop trying to orchestrate other people's interactions with your yet unborn and making value judgements about your brothers ex girlfriend. The "she wants him back now he's got a good job" is just a sly dig and makes you sound 14.

Bless you, you sound so full of pregnancy hormones. You're upset they're not paying YOU attention, not your baby - how much attention can you even pay to an unborn child anyway?! As has been said, pregnancy is exciting when you're doing it yourself but actually quite boring to outsiders, I find pregnant women to be endlessly boring especially first timers, and I acknowledge I was boring as hell when I was pregnant! So long as everyone is fine, what is there to say or do?

Try not to let your feelings ruin the excitement of the anticipation of welcoming your child, choosing little clothes, getting the nursery ready etc..... just because you're upset your mum has bought you things with the wrong attitude (not even sure how you can tell that!) my parents bought me nothing AT ALL not one thing and my child is their first and only grandchild. Get yourself off into pre-birth la la land bliss and don't worry about what everyone else isn't doing!

I certainly wouldn't say anything now, wait until your baby is actually here and see how they are with your child, that's what counts.

Don't distance yourself. That is really childish.

Try and support your parents instead.

Could they maybe think you don't want any fuss?
Have you always been really independent?

I hardly saw my folks when I was pregnant (I was ill with morning sickness throughout and some pain issues so i couldn't travel to them) so i booked a 3D scan for when they were visiting and invited them along. We had a lovely day together, but of baby stuff shopping and lunch.

Could you maybe do something like that?
Is there something you could ask for their help or advice on like choosing a bit or decorating?
Something to make them feel needed?

I think mine found it hard to judge how much help/support/fuss I wanted

Amy's i do support my parents with DN a lot. I take him out a lot on my own to give my parents a break and peace of kind knowing his going out doing activities like park etc.

Posters who are coming from the stance, oh pregnancy is boring, scan pictures are boring...they may be but its polite to ask.
Its like asking a colleague how their weekend has been, its probably boring, your not really interested but its polite to ask and make conversation. So i don't think it's too much to want my parents to ask how me how my pregnancy is going or about names.

Ive decided i wont bring anything up over christmas, not in a confrontational manner. If they yet again see me and dont ask about the baby ill say something like "oh yes the baby is fine thanks for asking " that might make the penny drop a little.

Like others have said, im sure, well i hope, that it will be different when the baby is here

My mum was super excited about me being pregnant both times. But she didn't 'ask about the baby" or "talk about scans" There is nothing to talk about or plan or go over or do.... Your pregnant, and at some point you'll give birth..there is no planning/preparing/doing (aside from getting some baby grows and a cot in the last few months)... I'm not sure what you think they should be taking an interest in? disclaimer, I never had a nursery/worried about colours/obsessed about dressers/baby changers etc as I regard that as the marketisation of motherhood/childhood

My parents and in-laws were both keen to see scan pics and asked how I was. From reading this thread that's obviously really odd behaviour.

Yanbu to wish your parents were taking more interest in your pregnancy. Bringing it up round Christmas is probably not a good idea though.

I think your parents are probably quite worried about the situation with DN and don't have the headspace to worry about a baby that isn't here yet (who doesn't need worrying about yet and hopefully will be a joy and not a worry for them!)

I can kind of see where you are coming from as I have a younger sister who has needed more attention from my DPs for pretty much her whole life and sometimes I have got fed up - but it's not that they favour her - she does need more help and support and they took just as much interest in my DD once she arrived.

My friend's DM were in the same situation as yours and in fact had the not-coping-well young mum and DC living with them for quite a while - it puts pressure on everyone for sure.

was in the same situation, sorry

There is absolutely nothing to be gained from bringing up what is actually only your perceived lack of interest in a baby that hasn't yet been born! You are honestly being rather precious and ridiculous to be jealous of a three year old whose parents are far from ideal! Wait until your baby is here to get worked up.

My parents favour the other grandchild, because they come from their own golden child. I haven't said anything because it comes from a long time unhealthy dynamic. You're only pregnant, your child isn't here yet so you can't know how your child will be treated. If you think bringing up your jealousy will help them to understand your feelings and be more empathetic then do it. The issue is more your feelings though, so among it about their excitement might just push them further away.