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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring this up to my parents now? At Xmas?

136 replies

MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:06

I've named changed, im a long time poster.

Its been building up for a few weeks now and i feel i need to say something to them

Ill give some background. My partner and I have a good relationship, stable jobs and expecting out first child early next year.
My younger brother has a 3 year old son to his on and off girlfriend. She doesn't work, fell pregnant within 4 month of seeing him. She dumped him for the 6th time about 9 month ago. My brothers been back at my parents house half a dozen times.
My parents have taught my nephew how to crawl, walk, use a cup etc as neither of them have any go in them. They dont take him to any activities, Its my mum and dad who do it all (my parents blame just her but how i see it my brother is his parent too).

Basically, my mum and dad have shown hardly any interest in how i am or the baby is. They know my baby will be looked after so they dont need to worry which is good, but because of this, theyre relaxed to the point of showing no interest.
My mum has bought things but cant help but feel its out of duty rather than interest.

My brother is now earning good money and now his ex wants him back, she tried to kiss his best friend when they'd split which DB doesnt think we'll know about. She'll no doubt fall pregnant again and thats another kid my parents will be practically bringing up.

AIBU to confront my parents how i feel? I feel knocking sense into my brother- but that's another thread. I dont want to argue over xmas but at the same time i dont want my baby pushed out cos my brothers chaotic life

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:46

Only, the situation doesnt exist in my head, my DP has noticed it too. His family are really excited and its not their first grandchild either.
They may be completely unaware so all i was thinking was to let them know before the baby is here

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/12/2017 00:47

How old are you and your brother?

Original poster
MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:48

Toddler, yes there's times when ive spoke about a scan, an appointment, what i need to get for baby and itll be one word answers or them talking about something else

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2017 00:49

If you're still having scans late into pregnancy then in assuming there's some additional worries or checks for you and the baby? If you want to talk about them to them, do so. You don't have to wait for them to ask. Hope everything goes well

KeepServingTheDrinks · 23/12/2017 00:51

Sorry, OP, but I agree with everyone else. It's probably your pregnancy hormones, but you're sounding very "what about meeeee" with what you've written here.

Regardless as to who is to blame with your DN, there sounds like a serious inadequacy with the parenting, and your parents are doing their very best to step in and fulfil that role. And for that they should be applauded.

I hope all goes well for you with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth, but once your baby has arrived you'll see for yourself how massively different that is to being pregnant.

And I'm very sure that they'll be amazing grandparents to your child, once you have one.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 23/12/2017 00:52

and, p.s. no, please don't spoil christmas for yourself and them by bringing this up with them. That would just make you all feel sad.

You said that your mum had brought you a few things. That's lovely.

Lots of people don't like to buy anything until after the baby's born because it can be considered unlucky.

LineyRunner · 23/12/2017 00:53

You're not agreeing with 'everyone else' though. I said I think she should raise it gently if she wants to.

theonetruesarah · 23/12/2017 01:01

Defo! They should show more devotion towards their grandchildren!

Viviennemary · 23/12/2017 01:04

Your brother's relationship with his girlfriend is nothing to do with you. And why should your parents ask how a baby is when it isn't even born yet. Fine ask how you are. Babies aren't taught how to crawl and walk. Some never crawl and just go straight to walking from sitting or shuffling.

I've never heard of future grand-parents going to scans. Your baby isn't even here yet and you've decided your parents aren't taking enough interest. That's a big mistake. Don't go wading in with some sort of ill-done by story.

Coyoacan · 23/12/2017 03:20

I think you've got to be very careful here, OP. You should not be comparing the treatment of your nephew with the treatment of your own child. Your nephew is not responsible for any of this. I was just talking today with a friend about children who break other children's toys out of jealousy and they get that from their parents. You want the best for your child and you want your child to be the best. But you are already jealous of your nephew and that does not bode well for the upbringing you are going to give this innocent creature you are about to have.

MorningstarMoon · 23/12/2017 04:43

Why would you add more stress to your parents plate? They are raising your nephew I'm assuming your DH parents aren't doing the same so have time and patience to be excited about your pregnancy.

Of course your child and your nephew are going to be treated ever so slightly different. They have to raise him, your child will have two loving parents to raise it.

Don't raise the issue at Christmas, don't raise it at all YABU and IMO selfish to want to add stress to your poor parents.

llangennith · 23/12/2017 05:09

Agree with MorningstarMoon
I’m a Grandma and help out whoever needs it most at any given time.

I feel sorry for your parents as they must be deeply concerned about the welfare of your nephew.
Don’t spoil everyone’s Christmas by behaving like a petulant child.
I hope all goes well with your pregnancy.

zeebeee · 23/12/2017 05:15

YABU. Your baby isn't even born yet. Of course they will take more of an interest in a 3 year old they have a close relationship with than an unborn baby. You are being very precious. Remember that pregnancy is always a lot more interesting to you than it is to anyone else. Wait til your baby is actually born, then your parents will be more interested.

Battleax · 23/12/2017 05:18

You know you don't really teach children to walk and crawl?

Mustang27 · 23/12/2017 05:37

I don't think they will take it well and I really doubt you saying anything will change their attitude or behaviour toward your pregnancy or your baby. I think what's best is just enjoy your partners families excitement and try and ignore for now.

Once baby is here if there are obvious differences made that genuinely bother you and will be quite obvious as your baby grows then bring it up to them as it's going to directly effect your child.

You may find this makes no difference and you just have to distance yourself for yours and your babies benefit but deal with it when it's really an issue. I know it must hurt to feel like they don't care though. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2017 05:48

Did your parents treat you and your brother differently growing up?

From what you have said, it sounds as if your parents have their hands full. It doesn’t sound personal. Your parents have done their child rearing. Yet in their older years they are running themselves ragged to give your nephew a balanced life and show how much they are loved. Try seeing things from their POV.

As others said, you can’t teach a baby to crawl or walk. Some babies never even learn to crawl and some people never learn to walk.

Devilishpyjamas · 23/12/2017 05:50

You are being silly OP.

blueskyinmarch · 23/12/2017 06:08

Your parents are possibly overwhelmed with concern about your nephew and really don't have the headspace to consider your pregnancy. They can see you are well and in a stable secure relationship so are able to put that to one side while they cope with what is in front of them.

I really wouldn't say anything to them. I expect they will love your child too but maybe differently to the way they love your nephew as it sounds like they have established a very secure bond with him.

My DPs adore all their GC but have different relationships with my brothers DC than with mine due to our different situations. That's how things often work in families.

DoculamentDoculament · 23/12/2017 06:18

In your OP you say your Mum has bought things for the baby.

Don't make your parents feel shit at Christmas because you want more attention. It would be a horrible thing to do.

HerrHerrHerr · 23/12/2017 06:21

My parents pretty much brought up my nephew due to his parents leading a chaotic life. They haven’t had anywhere near the same with my children because we are willing and able to do it ourselves. It’s just life- of course they’re going to channel their energy towards the child who has rubbish parents. I bet they’ll be more interested when the baby’s here, scan photos are just not that interesting to most people and it won’t be real yet.

You’ve mentioned them buying things a few times. What is it you’re expecting them to buy for you?

GeekyWombat · 23/12/2017 06:24

Your child isn’t born yet. You don’t know how your parents will be until your baby is here.

pictish · 23/12/2017 06:26

Some ugly, harsh responses here OP. Try to dismiss them.
I agree with whoever said to approach it but gently does it. Talk to them. It sounds as though they have their hands full with an unexpected charge, owing to your brother's circumstances. It will be as you say...they know your baby will be well taken care of and they are working at capacity already. It's all too easy to put things on the back burner when your hands are full and sadly this is what they are doing with you. It won't be an intentional slight....you can let them know it's hurtful in a plaintive but open discussion. Don't accuse them....tell them how it makes you feel. x

pictish · 23/12/2017 06:28

I do agree that Christmas time is probably a poor time to have this discussion...I know Christmas highlights things and makes them seem heightened...but so too are people's responses at this time. Leave it till the new year perhaps.

Greenshoots1 · 23/12/2017 06:39

you cannot dictate how your parents respond to your child. you might always want more from them but thats just tough.

If this has been "building up for a few weeks" you obviously have far more contact with your parents than many adults, who don't have enough contact with their parents for an issue to build up in that time frame.

you mother has bough things for the child but not with the right attitude????

I think you are the problem, not them. You need to adjust your expectations right down.

And no, do not ever say anything at all, it just makes you sound ungrateful, spoilt and jealous.

Once your child is here you will realise that we all live with the feeling that we each want the world to offer more to our own individual precious child. you just live with that though, you don't go around demanding it and causing ructions

pictish · 23/12/2017 06:54

"And no, do not ever say anything at all, it just makes you sound ungrateful, spoilt and jealous."

Remember, these are her parents, who presumably love and care about her feelings and their relationship..not some rude, ill-natured random on an internet forum who has got up on the wrong side of bed.