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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to bring this up to my parents now? At Xmas?

136 replies

MrsSHolmes · 23/12/2017 00:06

I've named changed, im a long time poster.

Its been building up for a few weeks now and i feel i need to say something to them

Ill give some background. My partner and I have a good relationship, stable jobs and expecting out first child early next year.
My younger brother has a 3 year old son to his on and off girlfriend. She doesn't work, fell pregnant within 4 month of seeing him. She dumped him for the 6th time about 9 month ago. My brothers been back at my parents house half a dozen times.
My parents have taught my nephew how to crawl, walk, use a cup etc as neither of them have any go in them. They dont take him to any activities, Its my mum and dad who do it all (my parents blame just her but how i see it my brother is his parent too).

Basically, my mum and dad have shown hardly any interest in how i am or the baby is. They know my baby will be looked after so they dont need to worry which is good, but because of this, theyre relaxed to the point of showing no interest.
My mum has bought things but cant help but feel its out of duty rather than interest.

My brother is now earning good money and now his ex wants him back, she tried to kiss his best friend when they'd split which DB doesnt think we'll know about. She'll no doubt fall pregnant again and thats another kid my parents will be practically bringing up.

AIBU to confront my parents how i feel? I feel knocking sense into my brother- but that's another thread. I dont want to argue over xmas but at the same time i dont want my baby pushed out cos my brothers chaotic life

OP posts:

Flappyears · 23/12/2017 06:59

This is something I really don’t get about mn. Is it really so unreasonable to want people close to you to show a slite bit of interest in important life events: weddings, new job, pregnancy etc? Obviously it is in mn world. Irl, I think it’s natural to want people to share in our most special moments, not ungrateful, spoilt and jealous.

Yes it’s fair enough to say to OP that your parents will have to be more involved with your DN because of the circumstances. But really it doesn’t use much emotional headspace to ask about scans, mention names, clothes she has bought, ask how she is feeling etc. My friend just showed me her son’s baby’s scan and I was interested because I care about HER.

I’d just gently mention it after Christmas OP but just not bring any comparison with your DN’s treatment, because clearly circumstances are different.

Hope everything is going ok and take care of yourself.

ComfyLeatherChair · 23/12/2017 07:00

AIBU can be such a harsh place!
Your feelings are, of course, valid to you. You want your parents to be more interested in your unborn baby, I can completely understand that, and you are worried about their relationship with your dc after they are born.
Just remember, Christmas is a very emotional time of year, and it sounds like your parents have a lot on their plate.
Have you considered taking a nore proactive solution? Instead of telling your parents you are worried about what will happen later, you could arrange some mum/daughter time.
Maybe invite your mum to go shopping for baby bits, or out for afternoon tea. Maybe you could make her a little album with copies of the scan photos in for Christmas. That way you can show your parents you really want them to be a part of your baby's
life too. "I know you are really busy caring for DN, but I'd love to spend some time with you doing xxx"

Flappyears · 23/12/2017 07:00

*Slight

Greenshoots1 · 23/12/2017 07:03

if you say anything at all, it will last forever and never be possible to unsay it.

Your parents will show the love for your child that they feel, and that is that.

If you start nagging ( and all this mention it "gently" advice Is basically just nagging) you will just through a spanner in the works of the relationship for ever. And before the baby is even born!

you are just going to be laying another burden onto your parents that will colour the way they see you and your family for ever.

KERALA1 · 23/12/2017 07:09

I think this is one of those circumstances where it's best not to say anything. Moan away with your dp but say nothing to them. Your baby isn't even born and they have their hands full dealing with the mess your brother is busy creating. I feel sorry for them.

Chocolaterainbows · 23/12/2017 07:10

I feel for you op. I think you are getting a bashing on mn unfairly. I agree with pp who say wait until the baby is here to see how your parents interact. But it also sounds like your brother and his girlfriend are immature and make terrible choices. They both need to grow up

originaldoozy · 23/12/2017 07:13

Neither my parents or my husbands parents showed much interest at all in both of my pregnancies (other than when I ended up in hospital during the first pregnancy) but they are all the most doting grandparents now to our two boys. Neither of them live close to us yet we see them a few times a month and they constantly nag me for updates and pictures and brag about their 'amazing for their age' abilities (according to them ha ha).

Wait until your baby is born to judge how interested or not they will be in your child.

Were they very interested/excited when your brothers ex was pregnant?

Bowerbird5 · 23/12/2017 07:16

Why don't you give them a photo album for Christmas. Put copies of your scan pictures in and room for first photos. Maybe one of you now near the end of your pregnancy showing off your baby bump.

I wouldn't bring it up at Christmas as you're parents have enough on. Could you go out for a coffee or afternoon tea before Christmas. Ask your mum questions about the impending birth?
I'm sure once baby arrives things will be different. Maybe your parents are tired. Give them some time do something nice for them and you'll reap the benefits.

Bowerbird5 · 23/12/2017 07:19

😄 crossed posts with comfy

We obviously think alike comfy.
Maybe a good idea then OP!

kentparent · 23/12/2017 07:20

Had exactly this situation with my inlaws who were busy caring for my dh siblings children when my sil and bil did not step up to do this and were basically dysfunctional. I was jealous at the time and feared my kids had lost out but now as adults they have a good relationship with their GPs. They did lose some attention as kids but we made up for that and the inlaws gave their energy where they were needed the most. At the end of the day it's not about how much they care but their capacity to help.

NotAgainYoda · 23/12/2017 07:21

Do you feel your parents favoured your brother when you were a child?

NotAgainYoda · 23/12/2017 07:23

Flappy

I agree

toomuchtooold · 23/12/2017 07:23

The thing is, you want your parents to be excited and interested in your pregnancy. You don't want them to be guiltily reminding themselves to ask about it through a sense of obligation. So you would need to be very careful about how you approach it with them. I would say, not at Christmas, and maybe you could IDK, invite them to see the nursery/help you pick out baby clothes or stuff like that?

What has it been like in the past? I wonder if your DB's somewhat chaotic life has taken up their attention for a long time, do you get overlooked as the sensible one?
I don't think your DC will feel short changed in the way you maybe do, even if it is clear that your DN gets the lion's share of their attention. Your DC won't feel the lack, because your DC will be lucky enough to have parents who are very involved.

pictish · 23/12/2017 07:23

"If you start nagging ( and all this mention it "gently" advice Is basically just nagging) you will just through a spanner in the works of the relationship for ever. And before the baby is even born!"

So talking about how you feel to those who love and care for you, about something that matters to you is 'nagging' now, is it?

You sound lovely Greenshoots. All heart.

Mulberry72 · 23/12/2017 07:29

Sorry OP, but I think you sound like a spoiled child! Your baby isn’t even here yet, your parents are helping your DN who (you say) has largely useless parents, why would you be jealous of that?

Wait until your DC arrives, you may well be pleasantly surprised, rather than complaining now!

cestlavielife · 23/12/2017 07:30

Your baby isn't even here yet.
Pregnancy is exciting for you but quite boring to others...
Show them scan pics share your news but don't get mad if they don't get terribly excited
Hopefully they will show more interest when baby is here. And it will be eventually a. Nice play mate for its cousin.

NataliaOsipova · 23/12/2017 07:31

Wait until your baby is born to judge how interested or not they will be in your child.

This would be my take on it. In the nicest possible way, nobody is likely to be particularly interested in your pregnancy (if they know you're okay), but it may well be a different story when the baby is actually here. You're potentially worrying about something that simply won't happen.

Leonard1 · 23/12/2017 07:32

Do not bring this up now. Wait and see how things are once your baby is here. You don’t yet know how supportive your parents will be. Don’t make things competitive between the children before they even arrive. The poster who said your parents realised your brothers child needed their input is right.

Wishingandwaiting · 23/12/2017 07:35

When you say “bring it up” I sense you mean havenit our with them.

No, that would be daft.

Why don’t you just talk to them. No shouting or confrontation or drama. Just “I love all you have done for my nephew, but I’d love you to show a little more interest in my pregnancy as I’m so excited and feel like I can only really display that excitement with family!”

MrsDilber · 23/12/2017 07:44

I'd wait until your baby is actually here to judge whether they are decent grandparents to it or not. Also kudos on them for stepping up for this child who, clearly, needs some attention/care in his life.

Mossend · 23/12/2017 07:47

You're parents sound like caring people in everything that they have done for your DN.

I personally wouldn't say anything at the moment but wait and see what happens when your baby arrives. If they don't show any interest then it would be reasonable for you to bring this up with them.

EmilyChambers79 · 23/12/2017 07:50

How much interest can Grandparents show in a pregnancy? You are working two jobs and haven't said here that the scans have not been ok so they are probably assuming everything is well. Baby isn't here and they are caring for their neglected Grandchild who is here.

And prepare yourself when baby does arrive. If your nephew is still not getting his basic needs met by his parents then your Grandparents will carry on doing so. Or would you hope that they drop the care they provide for your nephew and re-direct it to your child, who doesn't actually need it?

My DS doesn't get as much attention as my nephew but he has complex needs so I'd be utterly selfish to insist DS is treated the same way.

Enjoy your baby and just accept that your nephew needs a bit of extra care and attention that his own parents can't/won't provide.

Thedietstartsnow · 23/12/2017 08:02

Don't say anything..you will look jealous and spiteful,which I'm sure your not.....it's just your pregnancy hormones right???

CazY777 · 23/12/2017 08:40

When I was growing up I thought I was the neglected middle child. My older sister had children very young and my parents also still had my younger sister to look after, and I realise now that they had their hands very full with my sister's children as they basically brought them up. Whenever I told them what I was up to they just went 'that's nice' and let me get on with it. I spoke to them about it and they said it was because they trusted me and knew I was the 'sensible' one. When I had my daughter they did buy us some things but they haven't looked after her yet on their own (she's 3) as I think they'd had enough of looking after little children because of bringing up us and 3 grandchildren. But now I feel like the favourite as they are leaving my sister's 300 miles away and coming to live near us (it's also due to properly prices, but I know they wouldn't be moving if we weren't here), but it is partly because they dote on my daughter and they will start having her sometimes now she's a bit older.
Just see how they are once your child is born, and then talk to them, but don't expect too much, they have a lot in their plate.

Cantuccit · 23/12/2017 09:05

Fizzcat, are you on drugs? None of your post made sense hmm

Not sure what part of Fizzcat's post warranted these accusations, OP.

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