AIBU to bring this up to my parents now? At Xmas?

[MrsSHolmes]

I've named changed, im a long time poster.

Its been building up for a few weeks now and i feel i need to say something to them

Ill give some background. My partner and I have a good relationship, stable jobs and expecting out first child early next year.
My younger brother has a 3 year old son to his on and off girlfriend. She doesn't work, fell pregnant within 4 month of seeing him. She dumped him for the 6th time about 9 month ago. My brothers been back at my parents house half a dozen times.
My parents have taught my nephew how to crawl, walk, use a cup etc as neither of them have any go in them. They dont take him to any activities, Its my mum and dad who do it all (my parents blame just her but how i see it my brother is his parent too).

Basically, my mum and dad have shown hardly any interest in how i am or the baby is. They know my baby will be looked after so they dont need to worry which is good, but because of this, theyre relaxed to the point of showing no interest.
My mum has bought things but cant help but feel its out of duty rather than interest.

My brother is now earning good money and now his ex wants him back, she tried to kiss his best friend when they'd split which DB doesnt think we'll know about. She'll no doubt fall pregnant again and thats another kid my parents will be practically bringing up.

AIBU to confront my parents how i feel? I feel knocking sense into my brother- but that's another thread. I dont want to argue over xmas but at the same time i dont want my baby pushed out cos my brothers chaotic life

*making it about (not among)

I don't think I've ever asked, or been asked "how's the baby?" before I've actually HAD the baby.
Do your parents really never say "how are you" or similar in greeting? That would be weird. It's like a standard opening. If they never asked how you are when they see you or speak to you I'd find it upsetting. I'm not sure if I've ever been asked to show a scan picture. I've spent many lost hours looking at others to be polite but only when presented with them.

Worrying about your baby being 'pushed out' by them or 'neglected by them' is being a little ridiculous. How much fawning are you expecting and what will be adequate for you to feel they are giving enough attention? I'd suggest you wait until the baby is born before determining if they are paying enough attention. Doing anything earlier just makes you look like a drama llama.

Yabu. I know a couple of families where for various reasons one gc has received more time/support/money. The other gc don't need as much, so just get the normal level of grandparent input.

Have you even considered that your dn might be scared his grandparents might not want him as much as his new cousin and your parents are trying to alleviate his fears?

To extrapolate that your unborn baby will be pushed out because your nephew has unfit parents is an extreme case of the pfbs.

My ILs don't give my children the attention that they give the other grandchildren and it use to be bother me. But then I realised why it's because they have shit parents and all the stuff that they have been through the need to be so involved. Now I'm just thankful that my children have had a fairly stable life.

I think when the baby comes I may just distance myself so they can concentrate on DN and I won't have sit there having my baby ignored or watch them feign interest

Honestly, you need to get a grip. You are sounding extremely petulant. You can possibly predict how they will act when your baby arrives.

I don't understand why pregnant women get so irate that others don't muster up the same level of joy and excitement as them when it comes to their pregnancy. It's not that exciting to talk and talk and talk and talk about your pregnancy if it's not your own and it's anyone other than existing children or DH/DP.

And everyone's life doesn't simply stop being stressful, they don't stop having worries, they don't stop having things on their mind because you are pregnant.

Ive decided i wont bring anything up over christmas, not in a confrontational manner. If they yet again see me and dont ask about the baby ill say something like "oh yes the baby is fine thanks for asking grin" that might make the penny drop a little

If you know, 100% that your parents are going to ignore your child and not have anything to do with it or favour your nephew etc then why not confront them if you are right?

PA behaviour is just ridiculous and doesn't do anyone any favours, least of all the person inciting it.

Your child isn’t even born yet???

Your baby isn't even here yet. I think you need to stop over thinking right now, chill out and enjoy your pregnancy.

I imagine the level of interest will change hugely when baby is born!

Do you speak to them about the pregnancy? Include them in your plans and excitement for the future? Or are you all huffy and jealous? And offish- because that's how you come across on this thread

I think when the baby comes I may just distance myself so they can concentrate on DN and I won't have sit there having my baby ignored or watch them feign interest

Oh for goodness sake.

Grow the fuck up.

I'd leave it for now. Your child isn't even here yet. There is only so much one can talk about a baby who hasn't yet been born.

You can't change their behaviour only yours..
Just enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to your baby.
Share things with them but the baby is yours and your dh. Don't let anyone else spoil it . Whether they interested or not.

Op is it possible they're a bit superstitious about discussing a pregnancy? Because of chance of pregnancy loss?

I think that if you feel you need to say something about it then that’s down to you but as this has been brewing for some time I think YABU if you bring it up over Christmas, surely it can wait another week?

Also if you do say something try and do it in a calm controlled manner

I think when the baby comes I may just distance myself so they can concentrate on DN and I won't have sit there having my baby ignored or watch them feign interest

They can;t win then no matter what. You have already decided your child will be ignored. And if the child is not ignored then they are just feigning interest?

Yes, you sound quite petulant in this thread. Such an odd thing to be getting worked up over. I could understand it if the baby was here and they were ignoring it or something, but pregnancy tends to be pretty boring for anyone its not actually happening to. I expect things will change when baby is actually born...if not, then moan on about it but pre-moaning is pretty silly

I think you are right to wait till after Christmas but yanbu to feel a bit hurt and you should gently let them know how you feel. Tell them you appreciate what they are doing for your dn and that you are a bit worried that they won't have time for you and your DC. That's all. Just say it once then leave it and see how it goes

I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for from your parents so no, don't bring it up.

As a GP to be in the new year, I'm now worried I've not 'done enough'?! I ask how she is, as I always would. That's about it. I am not a fan of shopping much before baby's arrived.

There is a massive difference between the amount of attention you would give to a toddler vs a baby that's not been born yet.

Finally I get it Mrs Holmes,

Your pregnant and want your mum, You want her to worry about you and want to know how your feeling, to be interested in your baby.
Please don't take it out on your mum, that she isn't the type to fuss over you, if you want this maybe you can arrange to take her out for afternoon tea, just the two of you, tell her you want her advice on which pram to use, ask her advice about breastfeed or bottle and which did she do and why, and nappies or disposables , people like to talk and if you get her too share her advice you can also tell her how you feel.
if you start a conversation with Mum, was Dad in the room when you had me, she will open up, and then you can add your bit.
Or if you call her and tell her the baby is kicking a lot, were you like that. you can reconnect with her about the baby, it just takes a bit of give and take, and you don't have to confront her to get the interaction you want.

Your parents are trying to make the best of a bad situation with your db’s child, they are likely finding it tough going and are feeling tired. When we are exhausted it is easy to forget to be as thoughtful towards others and therefore they appear disinterested, they won’t be. Try to remember that they will love all their grandchildren. You have your shit together so they don’t need to fuss around you as much. Try to be as understanding as you can. The birth of your child will give you a completely different perspective on your parents and you’ll understand better just how much they love you. Your hormones will be making you see this in a distorted way, and that is completely natural and normal.

My parents have a blind spot for our dcs but that's because my dn had a particularly turbulent first few years and need a lot more love and reassurance. It's hard and at times I find it upsetting that they don't notice our two or go out of their way for them but no good will come of pointing it out.

I would suggest in your case, when the baby comes along, go and see them at times when your dn won't be there so they can make a fuss of your baby, but also when he is there to build a bond between them a cousins. If it seems like they're paying more attention to your dn, you might just have to shoulder that and remind yourself that your baby is lucky to have two stable parents.

I don't understand why pregnant women get so irate that others don't muster up the same level of joy and excitement as them when it comes to their pregnancy. It's not that exciting to talk and talk and talk and talk about your pregnancy if it's not your own and it's anyone other than existing children or DH/DP.

It's her parents, not some random colleague.

I have 5 grandchildren and I was interested in the pregnancies, scans, midwife appointments and births of all of them. As were my friends with their DGC. (and I was with other family members' pregnacies)

I get that her parents are understandably preoccupied but it wouldn't kill them to show some interest.

MrsSHolmes - I think you are being disingenuous. You say this is just about your parents not expressing enough interest in your child and yet your whole opening post is dripping in resentment that your selfish-drip-of-a-useless-parent brother's child gets all the attention. You very much sound like you think you deserve more attention than you are getting because you are so nice and good. I really wouldn't connect your resentment towards your db with your disappointment that your parents don't seem very excited about your pregnancy if I were you, because it makes you sound a bit petulant and jealous.

Other than that, I don't think you are unreasonable to feel a litle bit sad that your parents do not seem to be very interested in your pregnancy.

I have experienced a similar situation and DN is now in her teens. I have watched/watch you parents still fund my DN as my DB\SIL are the most selfish, lazy pair you can imagine. I tried expressing my concerns it falls on deaf ears and at best they will say they do it for m6 DN.

I'd take it as a compliment your parents obvs think you are together enough to not need so much support.
I have an older brother who hasn't had kids but can't do owt wrong. He's 50 now & still stays at my parents regularly as his life is so unstable.
If your parents don't give the same attention to your little one then I would be tempted to say something. But choose your words carefully.
Just another thouhht - My daughter has 2 children & honestly we feel we have to help out a lot as she would not cope without it. It might be the same for your parents?
Its a very worrying situation for them I imagine & I suspect your db's child needs them & they know it. Probably be a very unstable situation for db's child without them.

I think when the baby comes I may just distance myself so they can concentrate on DN and I won't have sit there having my baby ignored or watch them feign interest

So, they can’t win. They bought you stuff but it was out of duty. If they come to see your baby they will be feigning interest.

Maybe just grow up a bit and realise family dynamics aren’t as black and white as you seem to think they should be. And you can’t just withdraw because you have decided what your mums motives are. It must be a tough time for them, how about supporting her instead of acting like a brat.