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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Every god damn year!!!

440 replies

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 22/12/2017 16:45

Came home today to find another Christmas card through the letter box addressed to Mr and Mrs J Smith, that's the third this year that has been addressed this way.

I didn't change my name when I got married and I don't go by Mrs. Why can't people (in laws) just get my bloody name right! It's not hard to address the envelope to John and Sarah is it?

I would never address a Christmas card to Shaun when their name is Sean, I'd make sure I'd got it right before posting. So AIBU to think this is just bloody rude and to tell the many offenders to get my name right in future or just don't include me in the card at all?

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 22/12/2017 20:48

OK, I will admit that I put all my Christmas card recipients onto a spreadsheet, complete with correct names and spellings.

BUT, most people don't do this, and I think you have to remember this.

ScandiNoir · 22/12/2017 21:45

I have been married for 30 years and one of my husband's sisters writes Mr Noir and family on the envelope and inside the card always says Dear (Mr Noir's first name) and family, Happy Christmas etc.
Every year I say I am going to send it back with a note detailing my name and the names of our kids who are both now in their 20'sGrin.
I haven't yet but I quite enjoy my annual rant about it.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 22/12/2017 22:44

I made loads of cock-ups on the cards this year.

Sent one to "Mr & Mrs" when they are actually "Dr & Dr". You'd think I'd remember that, but no...

Sent a Mr & Mrs then remembered too late that she didn't change her name.

The one that I did remember kept her own name, I spelled her DH's name wrong.

Sent at least one to the wrong address (not my fault. DH knew but didn't update the address book).

Sent one to "Janet, John and little Jennifer" without realising there is now a little Jimmy as well.

Sent one to a couple and their two adult sons, then found out that one of the sons has deliberately estranged himself from the family, breaking his mother's heart and giving no explanation. Now she's going to get a card with his name on it and I feel awful.

Next year I think I should just not bother sending cards. I think I've caused more offence than Christmas cheer.

MotherofaSurvivor · 22/12/2017 22:47

What on earth is the point in getting married if you're not a Mrs, not taking his surname and intend to pretend you're still boyfriend & girlfriend?! Do you sleep in separate bedrooms too?! Or just fancied a day all about you?!

DorisDangleberry · 22/12/2017 22:50

I always ensure that I deliberately slight anyone I know who hasn’t changed their surname on marriage by addressing Christmas cards to Mr & Mrs X. I then wait for their whiny post on Mumsnet and feel satisfied that my pathetic attempt to piss them off has resulted in them posting their gripe to the rest of the world. Because clearly they have fuck all else going on in their lives.

SingingSands · 22/12/2017 22:57

Does it really matter how the envelope is addressed? Really? Does it? The envelope goes in the bin!

As long as they’ve written your name right on the inside, does it really matter? It’s a kind thought to actually bother to send a card these days, why focus so much on the envelope when the sentiment is in the card inside where presumably the sender has correctly written your first name?

LoniceraJaponica · 22/12/2017 22:59

I think you might need to put a hard hat on MotherofaSurvivor. The militant feminists on here will have you for breakfast.

Grin @DorisDangleberry

MrsDeltaB · 22/12/2017 23:01

Good god. Is it really that hard? Unless you are emotionally attached to your 'before I got married' name? Why is it so hard to accept that traditional folks may assume you took his name?

All this I am ME not my surname stuff is superfluous to requirements

MrsDeltaB · 22/12/2017 23:04

Just to add. If you feel you only existed on your 'before marriage' surname then I fear you have much further issues to explore

BarbaraofSevillle · 22/12/2017 23:07

You don't have to be a militant feminist to know that being married gives both parties legal protection in relation to assets and marriage is not directly related to what people call themselves as their first or last name or where they sleep.

Iggi999 · 22/12/2017 23:11

motherofasurvivor there’s a bottom somewhere that wants its arsehole back.

BrownLiverSpot · 22/12/2017 23:17

How about we give up all titles such as mr, mrs, ms, dr, lady etc. What real purpose do they serve anyways?

Landed · 22/12/2017 23:23

You need to write your name and address inside the cards and any other communication, each time and on the back of the envelope. Send your cards out early. Highlighter pen might also help and people will soon learn how specifically you like to be addressed.

I know a very highly titled individual who just likes people not to be concerned how they are addressed on paper or in person. Such a genuine lovely person.

mirialis · 22/12/2017 23:31

Why is it so hard to accept that traditional folks may assume you took his name?

Why is it so hard to accept that the OP and others who have a problem with it are talking about people to whom they have explicitly told they haven't changed their name?

I gave up after a year or so of marriage so I'm sure some think I'm someone who "couldn't care less" but I do notice how the card is addressed and, yes, it is less gratefully received than cards from people who actually bother to get my name right. Not changing my name to my DH's was as important to me as DH not changing his name to mine was to him. There are very few men I know who would be fine and breezy with someone repeatedly getting their name wrong when they've let the person know a couple of times that they've done so. Sure, DH finds it amusing that someone we know. who I met first, assumed that I'd changed my name so always refers to him as Mr. Myname. But as it's a one-off it's amusing - he wouldn't find it so if it were all the time from people you've already told that they're addressing you by the wrong name.

user1492958275 · 22/12/2017 23:32

Seems very dramatic.
It's a Christmas card send through the post and not hand delivered or put with a gift.

I think you're fighting a battle over nothing.

Do you not like your inlaws very much so are taking it way to personally?

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2017 23:38

"Totty - you can check the etiquette on Debrett's website (if you wish to do so grin)."

Debrett's is a guide for posh people. It's not the law and nobody has to agree with what's in it or follow it.

Babybauble · 22/12/2017 23:42

Omg, why on earth would anybody expect family and friends to address them as Dr?!

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2017 23:44

" The militant feminists on here will have you for breakfast."

Do you think it's 'militant' not to change your name?

JamPasty · 22/12/2017 23:49

MotherofaSurvivor - I don't know about you, but I married for love and that's got feck all to do with what names the pair of us go by

Clitoria · 23/12/2017 00:05

I’ve laughed so much at this thread I’m starting to get tears in my eyes.

Clitoria · 23/12/2017 00:08

After the volume of shitemas card threads this year can we all agree that the best course of action in the future is just to put a pile of cat shit on fire through people’s letterboxes? Maybe a brick through the window? Smash their cars up. Shows you’re thinking of them, but no offence of wrong names or environmental impact.

BlindYeo · 23/12/2017 00:19

I really don't care what title someone writes on a Christmas card. I'm delighted they thought of me and sent me one. I got married and am living in a traditional nuclear family set up which is surely far more of a cave-in to the patriarchal set-up than refusing to change my name. Keeping my name just seems like polishing the patriarchal turd now really.

SockUnicorn · 23/12/2017 00:23

im not married (cohabit and have children with DP). However we get cards to Mr & Mrs Smith all the time. Cant say it bothers me. Personally I am very polite and would make sure all spellings of names are right and have been known to trawl 192.com and facebook to make sure I get partner and childrens names right. However just doesn't bother me the other way round. They still thought to add me on :)

Sillybilly1234 · 23/12/2017 00:40

Change your surname to his. Job done.

PumpkinSquash · 23/12/2017 01:40

Came home today to find another Christmas card through the letter box addressed to Mr and Mrs J Smith, that's the third this year that has been addressed this way.
Not read all the replies, but really couldn't care less about the fact we've had several Christmas cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Pumpkin."

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