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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

371 replies

mostimproved · 22/12/2017 03:31

Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted Sad)

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering Xmas Blush. I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

OP posts:
Wilburissomepig · 22/12/2017 09:06

Well, while I wouldn't be a 'quivering wreck', fuck no, you're not over reacting.

Staying out late - fine. Bringing back pissed up mates to do drug - not fucking fine.

If DH brought a load of people back here at 3 in the morning that I know, I would be unimpressed at the interruption to my sleep but would be a bit pissed off, nothing more. If he brought back a bunch of strangers, knowing I was ill, knowing I suffered from anxiety, I would go off like a rocket. At best, he's being totally inconsiderate to the fact that you're ill and you now have to go to work.

DesignedForLife · 22/12/2017 09:08

Bringing people back home when you've not previously agreed that that's ok after a night out is rude and inconsiderate.

Drug taking in my house would be a deal breaker. I'd kick them out there. I'd kick out the partner too.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 22/12/2017 09:09

What's your DP doing? Can't he ask his mate to go now?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/12/2017 09:12

YANBU to have been scared, being woken up by the sound of several men in the house would scare most people. Whether the ‘cool wives’ on here want to admit it or not.

It’s not about it being ‘his home to’ or being ‘allowed’ to invite people around, it’s about being an inconsiderate fuck at 3am. Ill/working the next day or not, it’s just massively inconsiderate to bring noisy mates home in the wee hours of the morning when your partner will be asleep.

Given all the things you’ve said, not just this, I don’t think you sound very compatible. I think you would be better LTB. At the very least, tell him marriage is off the cards for a good long while.

ScreamingValentaMySantaExpress · 22/12/2017 09:12

Any visitor who announced my house was a 'shithole' would be asked to leave. I wouldn't tolerate drug taking either.

19lottie82 · 22/12/2017 09:16

msgame Yes, you’re right I got mixed up as you had commented on my view on the post. Apologies.

CiderwithBuda · 22/12/2017 09:17

I would be furious. And I would have kicked them out by now.

As other have said going out and getting drunk and being later than you say is one thing. This takes it to a whole new level.

It's inconsiderate and bloody disrespectful.

The OP is not well due to a cold and has to be up for work. And got no sleep. Presumably the flat will now stink of beer and cigarettes and be full of empty cans. Not to mention the drug issue. Which they are taking purely so they can stay up all night drinking and use the OPs flat as a doss house.

If your DP is not contrite and begging for forgiveness once he has sobered up I would be telling him to leave.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/12/2017 09:22

don’t know what to say really!

Try ‘Leave & don’t come back. I’m done with you acting like a 19 year old with zero responsibilities & absolutely no consideration for me. DS & I deserve far more than this’.

...and mean it.

Kintan · 22/12/2017 09:24

I can totally see why you are upset - but if it's not a regular occurrence I'd just let it go and make him clear up - not just his and his mates mess, but the whole flat. In his favour, at least he waited until your son was away to do this. He definitely should have given you warning though.

Hopeful103 · 22/12/2017 09:27

My dh are on the same page as me. We respect each other and wouldn't ever do this. Bringing over some people without any mention and then doing drugs. Gross. It's not his right to do that. He is a father and behaving like that. We would be having serious issues if he thought that was acceptable.

sadie9 · 22/12/2017 09:33

If they were doing coke all night then they won't be going to sleep anytime soon. They will probably go to the pub this afternoon/ evening again unless your DP crashes before that. There's no point talking to him while he's on coke because he'll just be feeling all powerful, free from all his feelings and that nothing can touch him.
If it were me, I would be okay with a once-off Christmas 'party' at mine if my kids weren't there, but I wouldn't be okay with drugs being used where a child might accidentally ingest something spilled.
Or smoking inside my house. So you better put a line in the sand here. Your DP sounds very unstable around alcohol if he's been in trouble with the police before. Best of luck with it.

FinallyHere · 22/12/2017 09:35

if he is inconsiderate enough to do it in the first place, even if we have words and he says he won’t do it again can I really trust him to stick to it.

Both DH and I have been known to bring people back spontaneously but we would always stick our head round the bedroom door, say hello and are you OK, anything you want? We would not do drugs and we would not smoke when asked. We do not act like this on a weeknight, or when anyone in the house is not well. As for disparaging the tidiness of your home and in proximity to antique chairs...

I can see why he wants to marry you, not sure what you are getting out of the relationship..

I can also see a connection between class A substances and massive up and down mood swings.

happypoobum · 22/12/2017 09:46

I would LTB over the drugs alone.

I would also have been very unhappy about my DP bringing people home drunk and then them staying up all night when DP knows I am ill and have to get up early for work. It demonstrates a total lack of respect for you. Flowers

Thisnamechanger · 22/12/2017 09:50

I understand it's annoying and inconsiderate but calling the police is hysterical.

reetgood · 22/12/2017 09:50

Yanbu to be upset, but I’m struck that you felt unable to come out of your room and say ‘hello, I have to work in the morning. You need to take your party elsewhere’. I’d do this in the confidence that even in an altered state, my partner would quickly register that maybe this wasn’t one of his best calls and wind things down. I would probably be at the state of annoyance where you could feel the chilly arctic wind of my irritation underneath the request though...

Reading the update I’m feeling enraged for you. You need to have a discussion when he’s sober and you’re less upset, about how you’re not happy with the party coming back to yours like this. I almost wouldn’t get into the emotional side of it. Just, ‘I was really upset that you bought friends back to the house without considering that I’m ill and have to work tomorrow. I don’t like my private space being the party house. Please don’t do it again.’ You both have a right to use the space, but you also have a responsibility to each other. A direct request rather than hoping he will notice your upset may help in encouraging him to confront the repercussions of his choices.

Aridane · 22/12/2017 10:05

Yep - massive overreaction (though the drugs thing is an issue).

maxthemartian · 22/12/2017 10:07

This is appalling to me. My ex tried this once and I put my foot down hard, there is no way I was tolerating people partying in our flat when I had to be up for work.

And as for smoking in your home, and the drugs...

He has allowed these pissed, coked up wankers to utterly disrespect you and what is meant to be your refuge from the world.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 22/12/2017 10:09

No way would I live with someone who made me check it was ok to bring a couple of mates back to my own house

I think you missed the “at 3am to do drugs” at the end.

Seriously WTF with all the “cool wives” on this thread.

YANBU. It’s rude, inconsiderate and of course it’s scary for such a thing to happen in the middle of the night. Your DH is being a dick.

CardinalCat · 22/12/2017 10:10

I wouldn't have been thrilled about the smoking, especially if it's a small flat- it will stink for days! We throw lots of parties, but the smokers go into the conservatory and we open a French door/ crack a window, so that they don't stink out the house.

I wouldn't be thrilled about drug taking in a family room that a child uses, but I would vey much perfer that this didn't happen. however, a good and thorough clean will remove any trace residue so I'm not sure that extreme hysteria over the drugs is quite merited. better that it didn't happen, but no use crying over spilled milk. I presume they aren't shooting up and leaving needles down the side of the sofa. I would personally be more annoyed about getting the beer stains out.

Nor would I have a problem with the general concept of my partner bringing home some workmates after their annual christmas party. having said that, we have a big house and he could easily have kept his friends to a part of the house that wouldn't disturb me. If they were keeping me from my sleep I'd have popped in to say hi/ nip their ear and tell them to keep it down. I'd then have popped a couple of nightnurse, put in my earplugs, sprayed my lavender pillow spray and gone to bed.

At no point which would I have been quivering, crying/ unable to speak (and I am amazed that this was the OP's reaction even before the several hours of noisy drinking commenced.)

So yes, imo some huge levels of overreaction. however, this isn't about my personal boundaries, it's about the OP's and she was clearly deeply and viscerally affected, and that's all that matters here. If her DP knows that she is likely to get upset over something like this, then he is being selfish/ goady by bringing his friends back and behaving this way.

Lweji · 22/12/2017 10:17

At no point which would I have been quivering, crying/ unable to speak (and I am amazed that this was the OP's reaction even before the several hours of noisy drinking commenced.)

It's easy for you if you don't suffer from anxiety.

DavetheCat2001 · 22/12/2017 10:22

Nah I wouldn't have been happy with that either OP.

He could have sent you a quick text announcing that he was bringing mates back, takes no effort at all.

speakout · 22/12/2017 10:22

OP how are you now- and what is your OH doing?

MrsKoala · 22/12/2017 10:26

Seriously WTF with all the “cool wives” on this thread

I really hate this kind of comment. Just because people have different opinions on this it doesn't mean they are 'cool wives' and secretly hating it but doing it to maintain their 'cool' credentials.

In this scenario i'd definitely be the partner more likely to bring mates back for a party. Not now so much but 10 years ago. Yes it's selfish and thoughtless, but the frequency would be what bothered me. Every week - i'd hit the roof. Every month - i'd be pissed off. Once a year - id just take it on the chin, tell him he'd been selfish and inconsiderate and make him clean up.

But as others have said, if he knows you would hate it and have MH issues then it's unacceptable. I wouldn't do it if i thought someone would be bothered by it.

Lweji · 22/12/2017 10:30

What would also worry me is that this is the type of people he hangs out with. This is him.

I doubt it's a one off and it can easily escalate.

bendywindy · 22/12/2017 10:31

if my DP bought his mates back to our house to take coke i'd call the police on him! as for the rest of it... nope that's not behaviour i would tolerate either but presumably he is that 'type' so you knew what you were getting yourself in to?