Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

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Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted )

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering . I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

I'd be pissed off that he brought them back without prior discussion but I probably wouldn't make a big deal out of it.
But the drugs thing - do normal people with children seriously take class A drugs? And think that's ok?

Yes. They do. It’s fine though because you can’t keep your kids away from it anyway, because, you know, it’s in public toilets too

If there were drugs being consumed I would be calling the police - i would do this on family

don’t know what to say really!

How about "Clean up the mess before you leave - and don't use my card/stuff for your drug taking!"

Why are you still with this waste of space who clearly enjoys taking the piss out of you and your home?

OP this is about what you are comfortable with. And you are clearly not comfortable with what happened last night.

You have seen a range of view on this thread about the activities that took place, and whatever your views on bringing back unexpected drunk guests, drug use, smoking in the home etc are then this is something that needs to be agreed on with your OH.

Some of us think it's fine, some of us would LTB and every view in between.
But it's not about us, it's about you, and you are clearly not happy with the situation.

And It's about context too- have you discussed these things in the past? Unannounced guests? Smoking? OK as a one off? Fine on a regular basis or never?

OH and I know each other and how this would go down if the other did that. And it's not about being controlling. it's about respecting each other and our shared living space.

It's also about respecting you- you had work the next day and you are feeling unwell.

Does your OH disrepect you in other ways? Did he assume you would be OK about the things that happened last night?

I'd like to know what it will be like when ds is older and he has the "don't take drugs" talk with him?

Dumpton, I don't personally (and in thje interests of disclosure will admit that I did used to indulge when I was a young professional working in the city with more money than sense. Literally EVERYBODY was doing it ten years ago and I imagine they still are.)
While I have outgrown it, a good number of friends and acquaintances still do it. I don't think they see it as that different from drinking tbh.

I have no moral issues with it, it's just not for me.

The public toilet comment was made with a , but if I would never let my child touch the cistern in a public loo for that reason. The new material being used in bank notes will hopefully mean that they are less hoaching in coke too.

i would be fucking fuming

I can imagine the police would be delighted on the busiest week of the year to be called out to some minor recreational drug-taking activity in a private dwelling where only adults are present. I am highly doubtful that the CPS would even find it in the public interest to prosecute it.

if my partner came home with mates at 3am without checking first i'd be annoyed at anyway and i'd kick them out, tell them i didn't want them here. The drugs definitely would make me angry and the smoking indoors is disgusting! I'd tell your DP and his mate to just leave now. There's lots of laid back women on here who say it's no problem but personally if my partner did this i'd be fuming and he would be if it was the other way round too

lucylouuu same here.

I would be livid.

OP, I think you are right to be cross with the drugs and being woken up. But if your anxiety level is to the point where you are shaking and crying, unable to hold a conversation, it is time to adjust your treatment plan. I understand and sympathise that MH issues are cruel and debilitating, but you should work on this with a MH professional to adjust your therapy or medication so you can better cope with this. I'm not blaming you for his actions, but just the fact that this is a very extreme reaction.

Whether or not you want to be with him is a different story. It isn't necessarily that he is wrong and you are right (Minus the drugs- that is definitely BU, but I think its NBU to come back to the house as a one-off). Just that you two might have completely incompatible lives. It isn't fair on you with your mental health issues to be in situation where you are shaking and crying all night, or terrified of break ins. But similarly, its not really fair to ban someone in the house from bringing back mates (although they are jerks) one night a year.

You two might just have completely different approaches to what is reasonable and it seems your lifestyles do not match.

Well I'd usually make allowances for getting in late and so on near Christmas. But to invite drunken friends back to the house just isn't on I'd say. FWIW I asked DH for his opinion. He was fixated on how they could drink 40 cans if they'd already been drinking and said the situation wasn't ideal.

I'd be annoyed because of the noise, the mess, the cats. The drug taking would be a total deal breaker. Wouldn't be in a relationship if I found out somebody took drugs.

Very eloquent post from speakout. Yes it is totally about what you're ok with. It doesn't matter if other people would be ok with it, it's your flat and you're allowed to feel that way. For what it's worth I'd be mightily pissed off too, doing that on a work night when you're ill is just massively disrespectful. It's not coming back at midnight for a couple, it's three in the morning doing coke ffs. Also I get your point about him 'having form' - my dp does the same, texts at 9 to say just leaving to get the bus, three hours later he's still in the pub! I've got no issue at all with him going out but wish he'd just be honest about coming back!
Hope you can have a decent chat with him when he's sober. I don't have anxiety particularly but home is definitely my safe space so I can see how horrible it'd be to feel invaded

sounds like you'd be much better off without him

I'm guessing this is going to be a "tip of the iceberg" thing and he's normally a total wanker.

In their state they could easily have left coke around that inevitably the children would find.

Lweji, there is one child, and I hardly imagine that the OP is just going to just leave the party detritus in situ, for that child to come back to. I imagine that, if she hasn't done so already, she will be Dettol spraying down all surfaces, DVD covers, and hovering sofas rugs and carpets. Of course, it should be her eejit DP doing all of this, but I imagine if he's been up all night he's hardly going to make a good job of that (which is just another unfair element of all of this).

I found a wrap with residue in under a table leg once, that my two year old could easily have got his hands on if I hadn’t been policing the situation. I don’t think midland drugs is a particularly Out There suggestion.

Just move house to be on the safe side.

Mislaid not Midland.

Your partner comes home with pissed male friends in the middle of the night and snorts coke with them? And other women here think this is okay? Are we not supposed to protect ourselves as women in our own homes anymore for fear of looking like grumpy bores?

Don't marry this one, Op. He doesn't have the protection of his partner and child as his first priorities.

He has a drink problem, if he ends up in hospital/meeting the police/unable to perform his responsibilities due to hangover. Your apprehension is normal, given that he is unreliable once he takes alcohol. Coke, is another level. Marriage should be something that you enter full of hope. Would you be hopeful if you married him? Listen to your gut, his behaviour is off kilter. It isn't really about bringing friends home, it's about doing what you said you would do, when you said you would do it - being the kind of person that it is possible to rely on.

Just move house to be on the safe side.

Or just not do class A drugs where children live? Hmm what a dilemma eh?

I'm a bit gobsmacked by some of the responses on here. Surely bringing a load of pissed up mates home to make a noise and keeping the people you live with awake on a night when they have to go into work the next day is behaviour most people should have grown out of by the time they leave university. Back in my younger days, I wouldn't even have tolerated this behaviour from flatmates, much less from a partner. I'm surprised to discover that some people consider this viewpoint a controversial one.

Also - OP's anxiety is how she is. For all we on this thread know, it could be an external cause (1 in 5 women have been raped or sexually assaulted and I would imagine many women who have been would be totally freaked out by being woken from a deep sleep by male voices inside their own home), it could be mental health issues - but either way, if her partner actually cared about her welfare, he wouldn't bring back a load of pissed up mates in the early hours knowing it would freak her out.

Finally, OP, from some of the things you've said - that when your partner gets drunk he has form for getting in trouble with the police - if I was in your position I'd be asking if this was really a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

In short - you are not over-reacting.