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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

371 replies

mostimproved · 22/12/2017 03:31

Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted Sad)

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering Xmas Blush. I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 22/12/2017 08:22

I'd be fuming. First mention of drugs they'd be out on their arses Dh included.
I hope you're going to give him hell today.

UbiquityTree · 22/12/2017 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveka · 22/12/2017 08:25

Call the police? Now that is ridiculous.

"My partner has come home at 3am from his work Christmas party. He has brought some friends with him. They are drunk and talking about work. Please can you come round?"

Can you imagine what they would say?

OP, your problem is obviously your mental health and your partners lack of respect and understanding around it.

What he did is irritating for most people, but for you it is worse because of your health.

DerelictWreck · 22/12/2017 08:25

Were they actually doing drugs OP, or is this an assumption?

To be honest I'd be annoyed about being woken up and sure, freaked for a minute until I figured out with was DP not strangers, but other than that I don't see anything wrong no.

If they're doing drugs its another issue, but otherwise I'm afraid I think you've overreacted.

Bonez · 22/12/2017 08:27

I disagree that bringing loud, drunk mates home at 3am after a night out is normal. And I would hit the roof if they were trying to find something that belonged to me to do cocaine on. I'm assuming your partner will be out of action due to a hangover today too.

hollowtree · 22/12/2017 08:30

19 why do you keep comparing the OPs house to a public toilet? It's not. It's her house. What a stupid argument

MsHarry · 22/12/2017 08:30

Oh that's not nice. I would be annoyed at the waking you up and bringing men back that late when he knows you are ill and tired.I wouldn't have got up but I would have told him so in the morning. But the drug thing is an absolute no no! If you know that's what happened for sure then you need to have a serious talk about this not happening in the future. No taking coke is not normal, recreational or whatever. It only leads to one place, not to mention the people exploited along the way.

nestletollhouse · 22/12/2017 08:31

In what way is it normal? Confused My husband has never brought anyone in at 3am to snort coke. What the actual fuck.
From your updates op you sound like you would be better off without him. It sounds like he doesn't really make your life a happy one. Even if he's not the worlds worst partner, some people just don't bring out the best in us. He doesn't sound like he really has his shit together. With a child you need to get it together.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 22/12/2017 08:32

My friendship circle pre DC was very much based on drinking and I'm not bothered at all about other people taking drugs if that's what they want to do. If DP caught up with old mates in the pub I wouldnt be at all surprised if he came home with one or two of them.

HOWEVER - your DP's actions are unacceptable - Why? Because he's being totally inconsiderate.

I wouldn't be at all happy with people over on a work night.

I wouldn't be happy with people over unannounced when I had a lot to sort out (Christmas / about to go on holiday / whatever)

I wouldn't be happy with people in my home who don't respect it (calling it a shithole - nice Hmm )

I wouldn't be at all happy about people preparing drugs in a space my child uses or smoking inside.

If my DP brought people home in the way your DP has (which he hasn't as you can drink and still be respectful) and they were keeping me up when I had to work I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that they had to bugger off so I can sleep. That you don't feel confident to do this makes it worse - he should be putting you first.

My (long winded, sorry!) point is - it's not even about whether you're happy to have people socialising and drinking in your home. I am (not that it happens often these days!) and even then I would find this totally unacceptable.

You had to get up for work. The party should not have been at your house. It's about basic consideration.

Also who are these wankers who walk into a host's house and insult it? Why does your DP want to spend time with them anyway?

Finally - how much coke is your DP taking? It's a shit drug IMO but very moreish. He can get a (psychological but nevertheless very real) addiction from just taking it on weekends. How often does he go out?

expatinscotland · 22/12/2017 08:35

So he brought a load of mates back when he knew you had to go to work today, the place is a tip because it's your job to do all the housework even though you also work outside the home, his mates referred to your home as a shithole and treated it as such. Yeah, I'd be pretty fucked off. But he wouldn't have been in my life at all because I dumped anyone who did coke pronto.

Balancingact12 · 22/12/2017 08:38

I don’t think you are over reacting at all. I would’ve reacted even worse as in likely called the police and got them booted out if they hadn’t left when I would’ve first told them at any mention of drugs at all. To be perfectly honest who wants random drunk men in their house LET ALONE random drunk high men in their house. You have a child who thankfully wasn’t at home that night but it isn’t a situation I’d want myself or my children to be a part of.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 22/12/2017 08:39

What he did is irritating for most people, but for you it is worse because of your health.

Keeping your partner up all night on a work night isn't just irritating - it's totally lacking in basic considerstion.

You don't need to have MH issues to be upset at someone keeping you awake all night when you have to work!

If they lived in a huge house where they could party without disturbing anyone that might be a different matter - but he knows they live in a flat. This is not on!

Are you really saying you'd be only a bit "irritated" if you had to go to work on no sleep because your OH brought some arrseholes who insulted your house home to party?

RhiWrites · 22/12/2017 08:42

Was it your flat first, OP? Is that why you see this as such an invasion?

Is your gut feeling that you don’t trust your partner in your space or not to damage your things?

CurbsideProphet · 22/12/2017 08:45

OP what stands out to me is his lack of respect for you, your home together, and your relationship. He hasn't picked up the slack while you've been ill. He doesn't care that he and his friends would likely wake you up coming home in the middle of the night (we've lived in a small flat with thin walls - I feel your pain on that). Finally he doesn't care that his friends brought class A drugs into the home that you both share with your child.

Take care of yourself. Obviously it's just my opinion, but you deserve more respect than this Flowers

PiffleandWiffle · 22/12/2017 08:45

I'd have called the police.

6 year old kids don't need a coke head as a dad.

Hmm, I don't know. A dad who did coke once when pissed is better than no dad in my book.

Anyway, I call "bullshit" - pretty sure you wouldn't....

PiffleandWiffle · 22/12/2017 08:46

He hasn't picked up the slack while you've been ill

She's well enough to go to work (and infect her co-workers) - just because she's got the sniffles the world doesn't stop revolving....

Original poster
mostimproved · 22/12/2017 08:48

To answer some of the questions in previous posts, sorry if I missed some:

-the flat is jointly owned by both of us
-yes I have seen the coke and rolled up notes, cards (my boots card!)
-as far as I know he doesn’t take it regularly. He goes out most Friday nights other than during periods when he gives up drinking for a few weeks at a time.
-pretty sure he’s not bipolar, just his personality I guess.

One friend has left now and the other is still there - they are in a complete state, beer spilt all over the floor and stinking of fags, and saying they are going to the pub later when their other colleagues are finished work this afternoon.. don’t know what to say really!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/12/2017 08:50

For me, this is your partners home too. And he has every right to bring friends to his home. Yes it's inconsiderate but If it doesn't happen often for me id just shrug/laugh it off, tell him I hope they had a great evening at the Xmas party and make them welcome.

The crying and shaking is not a normal reaction to your partner bringing friends home after a xmas party. I'd probably maybe seek some further help there in terms of anxiety.

As for the state of thr place and them saying it was a shit hole. It was rude, but they were prob drunk and just expressed their thoughts. Embarrassing but there it is

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 22/12/2017 08:53

I would like not be over joyed but if he is trustworthy sensible man I would mind too much it's Christmas they wanted to carry on somewhere...

coalit · 22/12/2017 08:54

Your washing will be all faggy OP. Sad

I would be fucking furious and I have no MH issues.

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 08:56

One friend has left now and the other is still there - they are in a complete state, beer spilt all over the floor and stinking of fags, and saying they are going to the pub later when their other colleagues are finished work this afternoon.. don’t know what to say really!

Probably won't happen. However I had a husband where it did happen regularly. I should have stamped on it and got rid of him far sooner than I did.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 22/12/2017 08:57

this is your partners home too. And he has every right to bring friends to his home

If you live in a flat where there's no escaping the noise and you'd have to go to work on zero sleep? Really? You'd be cool with that?!

I'm just as likely as DP to bring friends back after a night out. Difference is neither of us would bring people back to party on a work night - and we don't hang out with aresholes who would insult our home

It's about basic consideration!

Lweji · 22/12/2017 09:02

This is me but no, I wouldn't marry someone who takes drugs and brings people unannounced in the middle of the night to our joint home.

People can have their opinion, but you should have your own boundaries and make sure you're happy with the entire package.
You don't need to ask permission from MN.

bunbon · 22/12/2017 09:03

I don't understand why some people seem to be so shocked that different couples have different expectations? DP and I both really value private space and a quiet home so always ask before inviting people over if the other person is home. Some people don't feel uncomfortable with people being in their home so they don't feel the need to check. OP sounds more like the former, there's nothing wrong with that, every couple will be different and you'd think he would understand her needs by now.

Desmondo2016 · 22/12/2017 09:06

the problem I have is trying to project the posted situation onto my own life/environment in order to to work out how I would react and thus formulate my reply. But then there are posts like this where it is just utterly impossible for me to do that because it just doesn't fit. Why would any dp think that was acceotable. If they do, why are you still with dp . If the drugs are an issue why tolerate it. Kick them out. Tell DP to kick them out. Call DP into the bedroom and give him the fierce wife stare. But to lie awake for hours in your own home feeling anxious and nervous while your chosen life partner is next door committing both a criminal AND relationship offence. Nah, fuck that.