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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A bit of a crappy gift??;

159 replies

sleepytown · 21/12/2017 11:15

Okay I feel really greedy and entitled saying this but I need to let it out. I met with parents of my boyfriend of 2 years last month (they live abroad). Absolutely lovely ppl!. Over the past two years I have always sent his two nephews very decent bday gifts from both of us and his brother has always said that he knows it's me who chooses them as my dp doesn't have a clue (I have never met them in person as they live abroad) I have also bought very expensive gifts for his parents' bdays too.
At the end of the evening his mother handed me a brown paper bag. I was horrified when I got home and opened it!! It contained the cheapest, ugliest square scarf!!
I know it makes me sound materialistic but I would Never ever do that to anyone!! They are well off and have no financial issues but this is not about the finances. I just can't understand why anyone would do that???
I didn't mention to dp I just put the scarf away but I keep thinking about it and what it meant??!

OP posts:
LineyRunner · 21/12/2017 13:22

OK, could you give us the approximate dimensions of the not-a-scarf?

Original poster
sleepytown · 21/12/2017 13:28

Bullet - no I haven't asked dp about it. I put it away and did not show it to him. I think he would have felt a bit embarrassed

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2017 13:28

Don't bother next time, let your dp do it!

Original poster
sleepytown · 21/12/2017 13:29

Bullet I didn't feel the need to get dp involved as did not want to hurt his feelings. He is lovely to my family and me.

OP posts:
MammaAgata · 21/12/2017 13:40

Sorry but I think it’s quite weird you sending gifts to your boyfriends newphews who you’ve never met and only been going out with 2 years. It’s all a bit trying to hard. I know you probably do it with the best intentions but.. I’ve known my husband 11 years and he buys for his family and I buy for mine. He also does my secret Santa gift for his family. I think if you hadn’t invested so much time and effort into this in the past you wouldn’t feel so aggrieved now. You’ve never met them, they know little about your tastes and style etc, how on earth were they to know what you would like? You set the bar ridiculously high and are now dissatisfied that they haven’t raised up to meet it.

Emmasmum2013 · 21/12/2017 13:43

@sleepytown
Maybe your DP's crap gift buying skills are hereditary and his parents are equally as crap.
Maybe you should offer to buy their gifts too!
Maybe you should branch out even further and make a business out of it and and do all our gift buying too!

But in all seriousness, I know its hard when you go all out when buying gifts and other people don't do the same. But don't take it personally. Some people just don't enjoy gifting as much as others. But hey, at least they got you something. For something as trivial as "first time meeting them" I'm surprised there was any exchange of presents at all.

Trafficjammadness · 21/12/2017 13:55

I think you're being incredibly ungrateful, why should they spend a fortune on you when they've never met you before. They got you a token gift as a hello and you're bitching cause you don't like it.

Don't by your dp presents for him, you seem to equate how much money is spent with how good a gift is. How about thoughtfulness or effort?

expatinscotland · 21/12/2017 13:56

Why are you doing his wifework? That should be what's unreasonable. Give your head a wobble. The fuck 'he's bad with gifts' or doesn't have a clue, he's a lazy arse who can't be bothered. Step back and leave him to it before you spend the rest of your life carrying the mental load.

EddieHitler · 21/12/2017 14:03

I thought you were somehow aggrieved at the discrepancy between her gift to you, and your gift to her, but you didn't get her anything at all?

She's probably over on AIBU on Gransnet right now, "I bought my son's new girlfriend a beautiful bold scarf. She, however, bought me absolutely nothing. Not even a tea towel. AIBU to be a bit pissed off with her lack of thought on this occasion?" Grin

SleepingStandingUp · 21/12/2017 14:03

So are you PAYING for the gifts for his nephews and parents but labeling it off you? And your partner is happy for you to do that and his dump his family responsibilities on his girlfriend?

I buy for DH's niece because i pick useler stuff but he pays for it. I've given him some bits to give to his mom but he'll pay me for them.

You paying for all his families gifts because he's nice to you is odd. He's MEANT to be nice to you.

RE gift I would get it out with a happy face in front of DP and see what he says. The context of the gift may reassure you it was well thought out

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/12/2017 14:04

I’m so glad you’re not my friend or relative. You seem incredibly ungrateful. It wasn’t your birthday and you say it wasn’t a Christmas gift. So why the hell are you complaining?! I have never heard of a “getting to meet you” gift. Is this a cultural thing?

My in laws have got me some odd things over the years and yes I’ve been disappointed by them and not used some of them. But they’ve not given me something out of spite, or because they don’t think I deserve better, they have done it with good intentions.

Clearly, though, you set great store by material things. Some people just really really don’t. I don’t think better of someone if they spend loads of money on something for me. I don’t think worse of someone if they spend only a small amount. You just come across as very shallow and materialistic and just not a nice person.

greenlynx · 21/12/2017 14:07

I actually can understand why you are helping your DP with chooosing gifts for his family some people just love doing this. Your gift was in brown paper bag so it could be something handmade, from the local market, not something useful but quite the opposite like a small token for you. We all have different tastes and ideas about gifts and often it's down to different family traditions, cultural things, attitude to money, etc. Look at the bigger picture -- how nice and supportive your DP is!

BulletFox · 21/12/2017 14:16

OP is just a bit disappointed - there could be some cultural significance to the scarf as a PP said so it doesn't hurt to ask dp gently about that.

Roomba · 21/12/2017 14:21

Does anyone remember the thread from last year where visitors gave a really hideous ornament to a MNer. She was really annoyed they'd gifted something so cheap and nasty after she'd put them up. Turned out it was a really expensive highly collectable ornament.

Are you sure this isn't what's happened here?

youngnomore · 21/12/2017 14:30

Pooooooooo/ Grin cant stop laughing.

Original poster
sleepytown · 21/12/2017 14:41

Bullet - we are both Chinese. If it was cultural I would know. My best friend also thinks it's very strange.
For all those telling me to stop doing wifey things - I'm not. It's perfectly acceptable in my culture. I have a diverse group of friends and none of them have ever thought it is strange that I help him. My post was not about any complaints of having to buy / think of gifts for his family. I'm amazed that some of you are saying you would not do the same for your partners / husbands??!
I'm not disappointed / angry or harbour any negative feelings I just felt it was odd and aired it here that's all. Get over it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/12/2017 14:44

I just don't understand why he is happy to hand over the mental, emotional and financial load to his girlfriend of buying for his family whom you have never met.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/12/2017 14:44

@expatinscotland I've come to the painful conclusion that some women genuinely enjoy that type of thing. The whole notion that their husbands/partners would be absolutely lost without them. There's a thread at the minute which suggests just that; 'Oh my DH never changes the toddler because he can't find the right nappies/leggings/ whatever.' But if it works for some then go for it.

mermaidbunny · 21/12/2017 14:46

Are your boyfriends parents from Hong Kong did you say? My in laws are from Hong Kong (although they’ve lived in the UK for over 50 years now) and when I first met them they gave me a very cheap little Chinese fan. I was absolutely delighted with it as to me it was an indication that they’d cared enough to choose something to give me. 11 years on and I have been regularly gifted with no end of money, pandora charms, phones, iPads, and most recently an iPhone 7! But I still have the fan and treasure it. Smile It wouldn’t have ever occurred to me to feel slighted by a low value gift! I think you should be pleased that they thought of you at all.

Original poster
sleepytown · 21/12/2017 14:47

Standing - When did I say that I pay for the gifts?

OP posts:
haveacupofteaandamincepie · 21/12/2017 15:00

I'm amazed that some of you are saying you would not do the same for your partners / husbands??!

Yeah but we have been together nearly a decade, live together and have a child and even then I will only do it if he specifically asks me to.

WitchesHatRim · 21/12/2017 15:06

I’m so glad you’re not my friend or relative. You seem incredibly ungrateful. It wasn’t your birthday and you say it wasn’t a Christmas gift. So why the hell are you complaining?! I have never heard of a “getting to meet you” gift.

Completely agree.

Emmasmum2013 · 21/12/2017 15:08

I know I'm in the minority here, but helping my DH get pressies for family is something I do. It happens like this:

DH: Its so-and-so's 8th birthday next week.
ME: Oh right, what you getting him?
DH: Dunno, might just chuck a tenner in a card
ME: Are you for real?!
DH: Well what shall I get then?
ME: ..Gimme the iPad.

I'm just better at picking things than he is!! Even if I'm not getting the gratitude I like to know that 8 year old so-and-so has got a nice present out of us.

FeistyColl · 21/12/2017 15:48

I'm confused. Are you saying you don't pay towards these joint presents?

ArcheryAnnie · 21/12/2017 15:59

sleepytown you say it isn't cultural in that you are both Chinese - but have you thought it might be cultural, not in the "these are the customs of my heritage" sense, but in the sense of "my family does things this way, other people's families may do them differently" way.

I've posted on another thread recently about having to learn how to shop, buy and give presents as an adult, due to my odd childhood. None of us are the card-buying, gift-giving sort naturally, as when we did get birthday or christmas presents, they might be a bit odd, they might not be given on your birthday or christmas, and they might not be wrapped.

Decades on, while I've learned to be a reasonable present-given (but a terrible card-sender), as has my middle sister, my eldest sister talked to me on the phone about what she was going to get for DS's significant birthday - which was last month. That same sister bought me olives and museli bars for my birthday, wrapped up in an old chocolate box for posting. She though I'd enjoy them and I did, just was a bit bemused opening her parcel!

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