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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think an equal heterosexual relationship is not possible in a patriarchal society

227 replies

PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 15:47

I'm 35. I have a 4 month old baby and a 36 year old partner who belittles me, calls me fat, bosses me about and blackmails me. Due to the way society is, he holds all the power - and he knows it.

He can date women of all ages who won't care that he's a little overweight. His career has been left unscathed by the birth of our baby whereas mine is practically ruined (I was in the middle of a phd and probably won't be able to complete it). If I leave him I'll be left to struggle with a baby on my own on benefits (I dont want to put such a young child in institutional childcare, it would break my heart) and if i want to be treat nicely I need to date men 10+ years older who will feel lucky to have me. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what i could have done with my phd.

A man wont see a single mother with a baby as an attractive proposition. meanwhile he can get a new woman in weeks. he knows this and thats why he feels nothing about blackmailing me and claiming it is normal.

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

How do people manage equitable heterosexual relationships when women's careers suffer as a result of childbirth AND women are more valued for their looks/youth than men. Women seems to diminish in value as they age. Men, less so.

With such an unequal power balance, how is love achievable?

OP posts:
WORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORK · 20/12/2017 18:25

Feminism hasn’t failed. You’ve just rejected it. You know you need to leave but are blaming society because you won’t.

I’ve been single since my ex-DP left me when I was pregnant. I’ve managed to complete a post-graduate degree & a masters, have set myself up in my career & have dated guys who weren’t bothered about me putting DS first. Why can’t you?

Seadragonusgiganticusmaximus · 20/12/2017 18:38

We're 15 - 20 years older than the OP and I feel the balance of power is with DW. If she chooses to end our relationship then I would have to move out of the family home that I have worked so hard for over the last 30 years, our children would stay with her (she's the SAHP) with me getting every other weekend and I'd have to continue supporting her financially. All of that is as it should be, but it's laughable to suggest that I have some great power over DW because I'm a man. Quite the opposite in fact.

Pumperthepumper · 20/12/2017 18:39

Your partner is an arsehole but I do agree with you to an extent. He could walk away from his child and blame his evil ex, and people would believe it and justify it for him. If you were to do the same you’d be universally despised because it’s different for women.

He could use the same reason to justify paying no maintenance.

So I agree with you to a point, but you still need to get away from him.

grannytomine · 20/12/2017 18:44

It's up to you isn't it? You can be single, complete your PhD, meet someone else (plenty of women find a new partner when they have children, my BIL met and fell in love with his wife when she was 8 months pregnant, they are still happy together 35 years later)

I've brought up 4 children, much less protection and support for mothers in the 70s, and I've had a great career.

Plenty of women won't fancy him if he is overweight.

Are you depressed? Maybe you should get some help.

Crazycatladyx5 · 20/12/2017 18:48

It may not always be easy to be equal but it's certainly not impossible. I am a single parent to a 9 year old. I was a single parent to my 3 older children when my first marriage ended. I did my BEd during that time . And now I work full time as a single parent again. I own my house & car & receive very little help financially from my ex... or with childcare....he worked part time & did all school runs before he left for another woman. Life wasn't easy but I got on with it...Im financially independent & enjoying my career. I've met a lovely man who totally accepts my daughter.....hes a widower & has a son a similar age....so things are very equal there.
You do sound depressed.....I strongly advise you to see your gp.
My grown up daughter suffered from depression & went from one abusive relationship to the next....none of which were good for her or her kids. I eventually persuaded her to get counselling....she learned to love herself & spent some time happily single before meeting the lovely man she is now engaged to.
There is hope.....but you are going to have to make the first move towards it.
Please don't waste any more years on the excuse for a man who you are now with. Learn to love and respect yourself.. ...you are worth so much more than this.
Good luck.

thecatsthecats · 20/12/2017 18:59

Lord bless him, my fiance worships me. He's looking forward to shared parental leave, taking over from about 5 months. His mum does all the wife work in their family, but he doesn't expect me to.

I'm not boasting, I just wouldn't accept any less tbh, and I didn't struggle to find someone that wasn't a dickhead.

Thetreesareallgone · 20/12/2017 19:02

I think the OP has issues beyond fretting about the patriarchy, from those who know this poster. OP I hope you have other sources of support around you, as that's what you need right now- friends, health visitor, doctor and so on.

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2017 19:04

I agree Seadragon. If we divorce dh will have the career but I'll have the lion's share of both house and kids. I know which I'd prefer and its not starting again in a flat and seeing my boys eow and alternate Wednesdays.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 20/12/2017 19:08

It’s not often I’m reluctant to blame the patriarchy but in this case the problem is your partner and your rock-bottom expectations Why on earth did you have a baby with this man?

ClaryFray · 20/12/2017 19:14

It's not a sexism issue it's a your partners a dick issue. Plenty of women leave with children in tow, plenty have moved on.

Don't blame society. Make the changes you wanna see

ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/12/2017 19:16

I feel the balance of power is with DW. If she chooses to end our relationship then I would have to move out of the family home that I have worked so hard for over the last 30 years, our children would stay with her (she's the SAHP) with me getting every other weekend and I'd have to continue supporting her financially

Really? Other scenario is that the family house is sold, you both have to get mortgages to move on (only for someone who hasn’t worked for a while, that will be an issue, possibly leading to having to pay rent and seeing any divorce settlement disappear). Spousal maintenance is hard to get and is (usually) time-limited. You can avoid child maintenance if you are so inclined - thousands do it successfully. If your ex hasn’t worked in a while, getting work that pays well may well be an issue.

Don’t assume it is how you describe. Any of us lose far more than a spouse when we divorce.

LemonysSnicket · 20/12/2017 19:19

I’m 23 and I wouldn’t date a slightly overweight 36yo man who calls me fat. So he can’t get women of all ages. My partner is only 5 months older than me and feels lucky to have me as he appreciates me as a person.
Though I agree that some of the societal
Find a man who views women as humans ... there are lots of them.

IcedCocoa · 20/12/2017 19:21

I left an abusive relationship- I am single and I like my life now. I have DC who I am bringing up more or less myself. I am a bit plump, but nobody calls me fat. My house is not always tidy, but no-one complains. I have little disposable income, but xH used to save all his money while I paid mostly anyway.
And so on.

cathyclown · 20/12/2017 19:22

Changes will only happen when society says it's ok. And the Daily Mail, and the daytime TV shite also are on board.

In the meantime it is As You Were babe. Here are the wipes, sort it out. I'm off to catch the 6.47 into London. bye now.

Pumperthepumper · 20/12/2017 19:23

Seadragon that’s absolute nonsense. She’s a SAHM - you could easily walk away and pay no maintenance and she’d be forced into getting a job while doing the vast majority of the childcare. And if she hasn’t worked for even two years while being a SAHM then getting job will be very difficult.

DoculamentDoculament · 20/12/2017 19:31

Pumper - I don't know if the OPs ex is a SAHD but he is resident parent for her 2 older children.

I don't think she's been universally villified because of it.

streetlife70s · 20/12/2017 19:37

Feminism hasn’t failed. You’ve just rejected it. You know you need to leave but are blaming society because you won’t.

^ this

Pumperthepumper · 20/12/2017 19:41

Doculament I don’t know the OP’s history, I don’t recognise her NN. I do know that society judges women who are not resident parents much, much more harshly than they treat men who are not resident parents.

DoculamentDoculament · 20/12/2017 19:48

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3027132-His-ex-is-seriously-brainwashing-DSD-against-our-newborn

I know it's not the done thing but I think it's valid when OP is presenting a v.different situation with this thread and getting people riled up about the patriarchy and how women are stitched up by it (not that many women aren't btw).

She had many more threads under a previous name dating from a few months into her relationship with this abusive man. EVERYONE told her to leave.

And before anyone suggests it, I am not troll-hunting. I think everything the OP says is true. Sadly.

Pumperthepumper · 20/12/2017 19:53

Sorry, Doculament, I’m not sure why you’ve sent me that link. I can see from this thread that the OP’s partner is an areshole, I said that earlier.

It doesn’t change my point about the resident parent and society’s feelings towards that parent.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 20/12/2017 20:08

I have to say I can totally relate to whatbthe OP is talking about.
A lot of the abuse men dish out onto women is done so BECAUSE they feel it’s ok for them to do that.
Yes they are arsehole. But at the same time, it is also fair to say that they are often taking things just a little bit further than your ‘average’ Man.
And yes, the system is screwing women up. They stay and are treated like crap. Or they leave and are left with all the hard work, no money etc...
It’s a common situation and the reason why so many women are staying in unsuitable relationships.

Now for the more positive side, my experience is that you CAN reclaim some of that power. You CAN make a life for yourself again.
What you can’t have is ‘have your cake an eat it’. You can’t leave, keep your high level job AND stay with the baby at home for the first 5 years.
Staying at home (a very patriarcal division of tasks) only works in a patriarcal setting where the man works and bring the money and the woman stays at home and does all the ungrateful jobs (incl raising the children and doing all the hw).

DoculamentDoculament · 20/12/2017 20:09

I didn't send it to you - just posted it on the thread.

OPs partner is an arsehole but she also isn't resident parent to her 2 older children

And you said that if she'd 'walked away' from her children that she'd be 'universally villified because it's different for Mothers'. But the OP has done that, and I'm sure she has valid reasons and I wouldn't say she'd 'walked away' at all but it is a pisstake to start a thread about how the patriarchy has stitched her up and how women are always left with the children.

That does happen far too frequently. But the opposite has happened here for the OP yet she's complaining of women always bearing the burden and having no options.

When the reality is she met a man who was abusive from the start and she ignored all advice to leave and colluded in his abuse of his ex to the point she complained the ex went to court for an occupation order because the OP wanted to stay in the house.

And now she wants to complain that she's been fucked over by the patriarchy.

GreasySpoon · 20/12/2017 20:32

This is just your experience which sounds abnormal. I would not say that applies to me

Snausage · 20/12/2017 20:37

I've read the OP's previous posts, too. So much of this doesn't make sense. I don't understand why someone who is apparently so well educated is using "the Patriarchy" as a way to excuse her partner's cuntish behaviour.

OP, the choices you've made throughout your relationship with this creature leave a lot to be desired, I think. They were, however, YOUR choices. Just as not utilising childcare is your choice, staying with your partner is your choice. What you do with your choices is your decision; don't blame society for how things have turned out.

Pumperthepumper · 20/12/2017 20:39

Apologies, Doculament I thought that as you'd responded after I'd replied to your earlier post, it was directed to me.

As I said I'm unaware of the OP's history so when I said 'walked away' I meant hypothetically from the child she had with her partner. I was unaware of her other children so OP I apologise for that too.

She has still been fucked over by the patriarchy. Her male partner is abusing her. I'm sure you've seen the recent news about women's refuge cuts, and its very common for abuse victims to be cut off from their support network. So 'leave', while obviously the best course of action isn't always possible. It's also very common for women who have been previously abused by men to continue into different abusive relationships.

I cannot believe that a mother is not ever vilified or judged for not being the resident parent to her children. I CAN believe that allowances are made for men who are not in their children's lives.