to think an equal heterosexual relationship is not possible in a patriarchal society

[PeppersTheCat]

I'm 35. I have a 4 month old baby and a 36 year old partner who belittles me, calls me fat, bosses me about and blackmails me. Due to the way society is, he holds all the power - and he knows it.

He can date women of all ages who won't care that he's a little overweight. His career has been left unscathed by the birth of our baby whereas mine is practically ruined (I was in the middle of a phd and probably won't be able to complete it). If I leave him I'll be left to struggle with a baby on my own on benefits (I dont want to put such a young child in institutional childcare, it would break my heart) and if i want to be treat nicely I need to date men 10+ years older who will feel lucky to have me. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what i could have done with my phd.

A man wont see a single mother with a baby as an attractive proposition. meanwhile he can get a new woman in weeks. he knows this and thats why he feels nothing about blackmailing me and claiming it is normal.

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

How do people manage equitable heterosexual relationships when women's careers suffer as a result of childbirth AND women are more valued for their looks/youth than men. Women seems to diminish in value as they age. Men, less so.

With such an unequal power balance, how is love achievable?

Didn't you leave your older children.....

What on earth are you going on about. I'm overweight and dated lots of men, some younger. Why do you think men 10 years older than you will feel lucky to have you??? He doesn't hold all the power. Leave him. Jeez.

Yeah your problem is your dick of a partner, not society. I have a perfectly equal relationship with my husband, and no way in hell would he treat me like that.

Sorry - why did you start a relationship with him? Why did you have a child? You gave him that power over you . He does not have it. If you leave and take the baby there is not much he can do

You should leave him now by the sounds of it but your analysis is very subjective

OP, let me share my last five minutes.

I got home, text DP "I feel like shit, I'm going to bed, the bin smells, x"

He replied: Yeah sorry of course I forgot to do it yesterday coz I just wanted to get into bed with you lol xxx

And then I've replied 'it's ok, don't be dumb I love you' and I can bet £100 he's going to text back asking if I need anything from the shop.
Last night I also came home and curled up on the bed with the cat, he went and bought a pot noodle because I refused to eat and a big tub of chocolate ice cream. I had a bath.

He works longer hours and has an hour long commute, mine is 15 Min and I pass a Lidl, Aldi, two Tesco and Morrison's is a one minute walk from the house.

If he were ill I would do the same.

THATS an equal relationship.

peppers

Some time ago I suggested the freedom course for you.
At the time you had no intention of hearing what I said as you were far to fixated on whinging about how dreadful his ex was and how unfortunate and abused he had been.

Now your eyes are open you may want to reconsider the possibility of doing it.

Also, DP is not my kids biological parent.

I agree with you OP
It is entirely beside the point whether other posters got a nice man or a mean one, what is at issue here is the massive power imbalance we face as women.
You are entirely correct about this.

I also agree entirely about not putting your baby in a nursery. When nurseries can provide a standard of care that equals or surpasses what a mother can provide, then I'd consider it an option but that's not going to happen until we can calmly and openly discuss what sahms do, and that discussion is too guilt ridden to happen anytime soon.

Giving up on a huge chunk of our mothering to go out to work is not equality. It's an entirely valid choice and one I wholeheartedly support but when a woman wants to stay home with her babies she should not face the massive power imbalance, loss of earnings, loss of attraction etc you're describing. Being told to put your child in a nursery and get a job might fix a bit of your situation but it entirely misses the point that the way things are just
isn't bloody good enough.

But....not to negate anything so far, but this is important. You're at the very hardest stage. It's so difficult at this age but they get better and better. By the time they're 3 they are starting to move out from you, by 5 they could nearly run the household. A PhD might seem out of reach at this moment but it's not forever. Don't give up on your dream yet.

And as for that waste of space you're with? Do you mind me asking how an articulate, intelligent woman like you ended up with an arsehole? I see this over and over with friends and acquaintances and it really puzzles me.

oh and you might get more help over in relationships. Aibu is very confrontational and you sound like you could do with a bit of support.

Aibu is very confrontational and you sound like you could do with a bit of support
Her partner is an abusive bully, the advice given would be no different in relationships.She needs to get away from him.

It sounds like op has had all the advice she needs. She just doesn't want to listen.

Good quality childcare will be much, much better for your baby than raising him in an abusive household. Is there a nursery at your university?

Please don't buy into the nonsense about staying together for the sake of the children. In some circumstances (such as the one you describe), children can be deeply damaged if the parents buy into the misguided notion of staying together at all costs. Your baby can absolutely thrive if you remove him from this environment.

Reminder: being a SAHM in the modern western sense of "Spending the day doing lots of constructive and enriching things with your children" is an entirely modern construction of middle class life - for most of history women have cared for children while foraging for food/growing vegetables/grinding corn/etc. etc. And OP (who, from what I gather from references to her earlier threads) has been in a fucked up relationship since, basically, forever, and isn't actually prepared to get off her arse to do anything about it, isn't facing a set of choices which involves one labelled "lovely middle class SAHM doing all sorts of enriching activities with her DC." Her choices are: stay with abusive partner; be a SAHM in abject poverty on benefits; put DC in a nursery (which will be just fine, half the sodding country does that and our children are perfectly happy) and finish her PhD then get a decent job.

OP does not need to hear about the partners/husbands who will pander to your every need. Whether you have a PHd or not lol.

She needs to hear similar stories to validate her position that many men are total bastards.

Apart from our men of course. Sorry forgot to mention that. We all have perfect relationships.

No we don't, it is always a them/us thing. The minute a man brings you a cup of tea in bed it's like heaven. No it isn't.

It is a 24.7 issue. How many can say that their men are on call 24.7? Honestly. Women do it most of the time, because my god, if he takes a day off work it will be disastrous. Well maybe he says this, but you get the picture!

Ask yourselves, in the last twelve months how many times have you taken a day off work for the sick kids as opposed to husband/partner?

I know some will be equal, but the reality is......

Sorry, I haven't read a single other post but just wanted to add my comment.

My husband isn't like this at all. It appears you believe all men are the same? They're not.
My husband and I are both completely equal. He's better at some things, I am better at others.
We're both incredibly balanced and if he tried to pull out some power card, (although he doesn't own any) then I would exercise my right as a human-being and divorce him.

If you choose to stay with a man like this, you're making yourself a victim. A victim of something that really doesn't need to exist in your life.

Ask yourselves, in the last twelve months how many times have you taken a day off work for the sick kids as opposed to husband/partner?

Lots- but that isn't the way our dynamics work.
We have a fair relationship, that doesn't mean that we split every single task or responsibility 50:50.

Some things he rarely does, some things I rarely do.

So people are lying now?
Or are you implying ingrain social patriarchy is equal to the abuse the op is suffering through?

The op's relation ship isn't a normal healthy one.

Questions to cathyclown obviously.

OP, you met this guy last year. He was abusive from the outset, you were advised numerous times to end the relationship but you didn't and you colluded with him abusing his ex.

I know your serious MH problems have contributed to the decisions you've made but there is no other advice that people here can give you but to leave.

All this 'the patriarchy' has caused this is BS and detracting from your very real issues.

And it is taking the piss a bit to bang on about how women are left with the children when you are not resident parent for your older two.

It is entirely beside the point whether other posters got a nice man or a mean one, what is at issue here is the massive power imbalance we face as women

Such bullshit, honest to god never read the likes.

And yes if a women stays home for an extended period of time it can impact her employment becayse thr career World moves on. It's not different if a man chooses to stay home for an extended period. Her attractiveness is fuck all to do with working or not.

Support is not stupidly agreeing with her.all relationships are unique. Men do not have more power in relationships that women, not in the uk. Yes in some countries and religions they do, but that's not the cause of her problems, being honest with her and telling her it's fuck all to do with society, it's simoly she's with an abusive arsehole and he's not the norm, is supporting her.

Oh cross posted with doc....speechless for once.

I've waded through this, skimmed some bits.

YOU, Op have the power. Everything is YOUR choice

YOU chose to commence a PHD. YOU chose to continue with a pregnancy. YOU chose to stay with this man. YOU chose to not pursue your PHD.

All YOUR lifestyle choices. The rest of us get up, better ourselves and soldier on. YOU choose to wallow in self pity.

Rarely hear of a Stay at Home Dad, SAHD. Even the acronym sounds sad and requires a pat on the head for the sacrifice of it all. Although I know they do exist somewhere out there in the ether. Fair dues and it does work for some, but the reality is that it is mostly women who do this.

SAHMs are the norm. And that's what works for most families.

OP needs to leave. But what do I know. Does anyone?

Also, strangely as i had this conversation earlier with one of the engineers, men can now take equal paternity leave to women. This particular guy is having 4 months.

So ner.

Rarely hear of a Stay at Home Dad
Jeffrey Hayes from Rainbow, was a stay at home dad two two puppets and a man in a bear suit.
You realise nobody has argued about male privilege existing don't you?