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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling crap WWYD?

148 replies

Lollipop30 · 20/12/2017 14:22

How do people cope with a massive difference in income?
I’m usually ok with it but feeling a bit vulnerable, probs to do with also being 39wks preg.
The difference between DH and my income is significant, even if I did massive amounts of hours and reached the top of my game (which I have no interest or motivation to do so) I would still only pull in about a quarter of his income.
We’ve just fallen out as I’ve asked him to buy something and he hasn’t. It actually isn’t that that’s the problem, more the case of my frustration that I simply do not have enough to just get it myself. I never have enough to just get things, I was actually after some new pans so not exactly the height of luxury but it just strikes me that I can’t ever just get something just because. After outgoings and things for the kids there’s nothing actually left for me, i dont really want for anything it’d just be nice to be able to.
So WWYD? How do I just get over it?

OP posts:

CurryWorst · 20/12/2017 14:25

I don't see how you do. He has a lot more money than you, because he has not had to sacrifice his earning potential for children the way you have, amongst other reasons.

I'll never understand how people can share their dna to create new humans but not share their cash to create a fairer and more equitable home for those humans.

How do you live with someone who lives a better life than you and watches you struggle?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/12/2017 14:28

You say there's no money left for you... is there money left for your DH? Money you have no access to?

If so you don't just get over it! You have a grown up conversation about all money earned being family money and that you both need to have access to all monies at all time.

LeCroissant · 20/12/2017 14:38

I always think it's absolutely bonkers to have a situation where one half of a married couple has loads of money, can buy anything they want, while the other half struggles. It makes no sense - what on earth is the point in being in a relationship if you're going to carry on as if you have no partner and just ignore what they need??

twiney · 20/12/2017 14:43

This isnt right

Viviennemary · 20/12/2017 14:44

I wouldn't like a huge imbalance in earnings. But still it has to be lived with. A lot of people (including me at one time) can't afford to replace things like pots and pans and have to make down. But usually people who don't have much money of their own either have joint bank accounts or get an amount paid into their account from the other person. It wouldn't be usual for a married couple one to be buying designer clothes and the other not able to afford charity shops.

If you don't want for anything it seems a bit mad to split up when you're pregnant. Maybe he just felt you didn't need new pans.

user1474652148 · 20/12/2017 14:48

A serious conversation needs to take place about pooling resources. You can't feel this level of imbalance indefinitely. You need a joint account

Crazybunnylady123 · 20/12/2017 14:53

It’s not a way to lead a relationship, my dp is currently the sole earner as we have a very young lo. Once the bills are paid we share anything that’s left maybe a takeaway together or a new Blu-ray to watch. There is no his and hers only ours.

museumum · 20/12/2017 14:56

Why are you buying things for the kids? Why not him? If he’s the big earner he should support the kids.
I mean ideally you’d pool all your money but if not that then at least make sure he’s paying for his children.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 20/12/2017 14:57

All money should be family money. End of.

Whether both earn or one.

If your H has a lot more money to spend on the family, but doesn't (and yeah pans count ffs) he's being financially abusive.

What exactly is your money set up at the moment?

JessYouMe · 20/12/2017 14:58

Is there a reason all money isn't just combined money for both of you??

My husband and I have both at times been the breadwinner, but regardless of who is earning what, we both treat the entire pot as joint and spend as we wish.

JennyOnAPlate · 20/12/2017 14:59

There’s a huge difference between what I earn and what dh earns. It all gets paid into the same bank account though and is family money. I don’t understand how you can have a child together but not have access to his earnings tbh.

19lottie82 · 20/12/2017 15:02

That’s not right OP.

I don’t necessarily think all money has to be split straight down the middle like a lot of people on here..... my DH and I both have differing incomes due to self employment and other reasons, we don’t have a joint bank account and keep out wages to ourselves (apart from splitting the bills) BUT if I needed anything I could ask him for it and know without a shadow of a doubt he would give it to me (and vice versa).

MrsXx4 · 20/12/2017 15:05

I just don't understand how people have marriages like this?

My husband earns 4 times the amount I earn, I would never in my wildest dreams be able to earn what he does. It has never been an issue for us, we have a joint account and our wages are our household income.

I would never think to ask him if I can buy something, he would never think to ask me either. Unless we make big purchases then we usually discuss them and make them together. He would hate me to feel like I wasn't an equal in my home and in our marriage.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 20/12/2017 15:06

This is very very wrong.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/12/2017 15:13

Yer what? You're married, right? So it should be shared money - you should be able to buy what you want/need without having to beg for the money for it!

Something not right there. :(

RedSkyAtNight · 20/12/2017 15:18

Does DH buy stuff "just because" or is all your (both of yours) money allocated towards bills and other essential outgoings?

It's not clear from your post whether you (as a couple) have the money but DH refuses to let you have any for yourself, whether you have some spare money but it needs to be carefully budgeted, or whether there is no money at all!

horatioisabrick · 20/12/2017 15:19

That sounds really wrong. Why are you the one spending all your money on DC? And why wouldn’t he buy you a pair of trousers?

You need comfortable clothes that fit.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 15:20

Presumably you'd use the pans to make food for all the people who live in the house?

Therefore they are a household expense. By not buying them your partner is demonstrating his intentions/priorities.

Joint finances, or an equitable split of household money at the very least.

Do not put yourself and your DC in this perilous position.

horatioisabrick · 20/12/2017 15:21

Oops. Pans, not trousers.

MTBMummy · 20/12/2017 15:23

I'm in the exact opposite situation, I'm the high earner, and DP will never earn half of what I bring in, but in my mind, it's all family money, DP has full access to all the money I earn, and if he wants something he gets it. Unless of course it's a lot of money then we discuss it and how it'll impact that month, but the same goes for me if I want to make a big spend.

wowbutter · 20/12/2017 15:26

My DH wages go into the joint account, as do mine. Bills come out, so does food, holiday money etc.
If he wants something, he asks if there's money in the joint and does it, or puts it in his credit card and then sorts it when he gets paid.
Same for me.
I out earn DH hour for hour, but I do a quarter of the hours he does. Poor man.
We just put it all in together, so it isn't an issue. In the past I have out early DH by a lot, and he has done the same to me. At various points in our marriage both of us have had no income whatsoever.
We pool all our resources, as we are a team.

crunchymint · 20/12/2017 15:32

OP you are growing the baby for both of you. That affects your earning power. Women with kids are generally paid less than men with kids. Why would your DH want to bring that societal inequality into your relationship?
And if you are paying for your children, you may find you would be better off financially if you were a single parent. Point out to him if you would be better off as a single parent - as no way should you be sacrificing financially to stay in a relationship with a high earner. Also pans are a household expense. He should be paying for these.

unfortunateevents · 20/12/2017 15:34

My DH earns about 8 times what I do. However, I do far more of the childcare, house stuff, Christmas etc etc. If we need new pans I buy them on the joint credit card! You shouldn't have to beg your DH for money for items which are for the benefit of the while family, presumably you are all eating from those pans?! Anyway, regardless of what the money is for, you are a partnership, it should be joint spending. How come you get to contribute to outgoings and expenses for the kids, but don't benefit from his larger disposable income?

Greenshoots1 · 20/12/2017 15:34

do you actually need new pans?
A lot of the responses would depend on whether or not you have no usable pan and asked for a £5 supermarket cheapo, or whether you just fancies a luxury set costing £100s, for no particular reason

crunchymint · 20/12/2017 15:36

If the OP is married to a high earner, why shouldn't she buy decent pans?

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