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Original poster

Feeling crap WWYD?

148 replies

Lollipop30 · 20/12/2017 14:22

How do people cope with a massive difference in income?
I’m usually ok with it but feeling a bit vulnerable, probs to do with also being 39wks preg.
The difference between DH and my income is significant, even if I did massive amounts of hours and reached the top of my game (which I have no interest or motivation to do so) I would still only pull in about a quarter of his income.
We’ve just fallen out as I’ve asked him to buy something and he hasn’t. It actually isn’t that that’s the problem, more the case of my frustration that I simply do not have enough to just get it myself. I never have enough to just get things, I was actually after some new pans so not exactly the height of luxury but it just strikes me that I can’t ever just get something just because. After outgoings and things for the kids there’s nothing actually left for me, i dont really want for anything it’d just be nice to be able to.
So WWYD? How do I just get over it?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 22:49

It would be about one person not having the ultimate say over our family's financial future and the direction of our lives.

How do you mean?

I'm slightly wondering if you are being serious, Fingers, or if you are having fun on this thread?

I mean exactly what it says.

Knowledge is power. Control of money is power.

What if your DH decides to invest in risky shares, or a business that's ill advised?

What if he decides to cut back on work and spend what he's saved on a madap mid-life crisis, leaving you all short - but it's OK, because he earned it and has the savings.

What if he's decided it's better to pay into a pension for your DS, or hold money in trust, and bypass you completely?

What if 1,000 other things.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:50

He does share the decision-making....

as for the knowledge, do you mean the knowledge about whether he's saving or prepaying the mortgage or knowledge about more practical stuff (like what happens in the event that he's incapacitated temporarily or permanently)?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 22:52

Have you both made wills and advance directives 10fingers

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 22:53

Yes, knowledge of what decisions he has made with regard to the money that is coming into the family.

What if you thought that you should be saving more for DS rather than overpaying the mortgage?

Aren't you even curious? He can't be "sharing the decision making" if you don't know what decisions he has made?

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:53

What if your DH decides to invest in risky shares, or a business that's ill advised? I know he totally wouldn't do that. Far too careful.

What if he decides to cut back on work and spend what he's saved on a madap mid-life crisis, leaving you all short - but it's OK, because he earned it and has the savings. I do know he's planning to give up work in the next few years. At which point I'll go back to FT work.

What if he's decided it's better to pay into a pension for your DS, or hold money in trust, and bypass you completely? In trust for DS?

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 22:56

I do know he's planning to give up work in the next few years. At which point I'll go back to FT work.

So don't you need to know how that's going to be funded if he out-earns you by a significant amount? Isn't that really going to impact on your lifestyle?

How can you have had discussions about him giving up work in a few years without knowing how you - as a family - are going to get to that point.

I'd be sleepless with worry!

GreenPurpleRed · 20/12/2017 22:58

Why do people just make up shit Hmm

The OP says specifically that she has no desire or motivation to be at the 'top of her game and the first reply is

He has a lot more money than you, because he has not had to sacrifice his earning potential for children the way you have, amongst other reasons

It's ok to hate the difference and think your DP is a dick for not sharing @OP but for God's sake can we stop bandering the above crap about.

I've got 2 dc and taken year long ML with dd2 and 9 months with dd1 and I earn more than my dh.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:59

Yes it will have a massive impact on our lifestyle! I realise that.
I don't earn a terrible salary though (or at least not if I work FT) so we should be afloat at least. And he'll probably be drawing his pension then.

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 23:00

I'm slightly wondering if you are being serious, Fingers, or if you are having fun on this thread?

Must be trolling as no-one could really be so stupid.

I did originally think she was a SE Asian bride and it was a financial transaction- to secure a better life for self and family. Sadly I meet a lot of women in that situation.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 23:01

What provision are you making to return to work?cpd?open uni?networking?
Will it be a straight swop,you work ft he’ll sort out family?
Is there a timeline

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 23:02

errrr.... return to work? I am in work.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 23:04

Rudolph need to be so rude?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 23:05

Sorry 10fingers I misread it,as you’d go back FT when dp reduce hours

Viviennemary · 20/12/2017 23:08

Lethaldrizzle is in for a big shock if her marriage breaks down as more than a third do. See how much access you get to his mega earnings then. And I'm sure he'd find his passport sharpish.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 23:08

Yes, that's right Lipstick. Even though we can afford for me not to work, I would not give up work in a million years for fear of losing that bit of independence (and for fear of not being able to get back in so easily).

Perhaps I might even go back to being a solicitor and really up my salary. Who knows?

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 23:09

DH would give up work (or at least the work he does now) and draw his pension.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 23:12

To be fair, Fingers, your replies are extremely odd. So either you're not on the level, or it is as rudolph says, that you are not grasping the importance of understanding how your life is underpinned because you are stupid

You've repeatedly asked posters on this thread (to which the OP has not returned) about your own situation, but then have seemed to enjoy your wilful ignorance, so you're not really wanting "help to understand what might be fair in your case" etc

So, I think I am done responding, anyway.

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 23:14

Rudolph need to be so rude?

Why is that rude? I asked you at the start of the thread if it was an arranged marriage/financial transaction. You didnt reply.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 23:20

I did try to bring the OP back in by asking her to give us a bit more info about her DH's attitude... but she appears to have disappeared.
I don't want 'help' to understand what might be fair in my scenario...i happen to think my situation is fair. What I was curious to know is what others seemed to perceive as unfair about it, and what they would consider to be fair.
It's tricky to gauge just from an online chat exactly the dynamics of another person's relationship with their DH/DW, and to understand exactly what a poster knows or doesn't know about their spouse/partner's character/behaviour and therefore how deluded or not they might be...so, to assume, when faced with a poster who poses a conundrum, that it must be because they're joking around or they're stupid, seems a bit 'off' to me.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 23:20

Rudolph I was referring to the assumption that either I was trolling or I was 'so stupid'

itsallrelative2017 · 21/12/2017 13:29

@LipstickHandbagCoffee

Exactly what you said!!

I think couples should share the outgoing based on prorated earnings but that doesn't mean you should pool funds?!

I like being financially independent from my DH and in this day and age more women should be.

Cherrycokewinning · 21/12/2017 16:24

We don’t share money because my husband is awful with it and at least one of us needs to make sure the bills are paid. I would love to have the confidence to pool money but we can’t.

NerdyBird · 22/12/2017 11:15

We have some joint money and some separate. Salary into personal accounts then each pay into joint account, split according to who earns most. Joint account is mortgage, utilities and household stuff like food, tv and broadband package, car costs, insurance. Any money left in our personal accounts is our own. It does mean DH has more than me but he also has more personal expenditure.
He has two children from a previous relationship. They live with us so he pays for their clothes, hobbies etc. He also pays for his own hobbies. DH is also prone to spending. I know I'd get annoyed seeing the joint money wasted on stuff I feel is unnecessary. So he can spend his own money as he likes and I won't get annoyed.

We have a standing order from personal accounts to joint and bills are paid from there by direct debit. I have our savings in my name as they were my savings originally but now ours. He doesn't have access to them but they are for spending on doing up our house so aren't for general use anyway.

We're happy with this and rarely have disagreements over money.

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