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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling crap WWYD?

148 replies

Lollipop30 · 20/12/2017 14:22

How do people cope with a massive difference in income?
I’m usually ok with it but feeling a bit vulnerable, probs to do with also being 39wks preg.
The difference between DH and my income is significant, even if I did massive amounts of hours and reached the top of my game (which I have no interest or motivation to do so) I would still only pull in about a quarter of his income.
We’ve just fallen out as I’ve asked him to buy something and he hasn’t. It actually isn’t that that’s the problem, more the case of my frustration that I simply do not have enough to just get it myself. I never have enough to just get things, I was actually after some new pans so not exactly the height of luxury but it just strikes me that I can’t ever just get something just because. After outgoings and things for the kids there’s nothing actually left for me, i dont really want for anything it’d just be nice to be able to.
So WWYD? How do I just get over it?

OP posts:
BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 15:37

OP is growing a human.

Considering the cost of a human baby on the black market, a set of pans seems a bargain.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2017 15:39

Wow - this is family money.
All money should be pooled. All bills paid, money put aside for savings and anything left over should be split evenly.
If this is NOT what is happening and you have literally nothing left and your DH does, then that's financial abuse.

Jaxhog · 20/12/2017 15:49

I always think it's absolutely bonkers to have a situation where one half of a married couple has loads of money, can buy anything they want, while the other half struggles. It makes no sense - what on earth is the point in being in a relationship if you're going to carry on as if you have no partner and just ignore what they need??

This!

We've always shared the bills according to who earned most/least so we each had roughly equal spare money. All household expenses get discussed jointly.

crunchymint · 20/12/2017 15:52

I used to work with someone who had an unequal marriage like this, although no children. He went on a 2 week skiing and she didn't. I asked her if she didn't like skiing, she said she couldn't afford it!

PoppyFleur · 20/12/2017 15:59

I'll never understand how people can share their dna to create new humans but not share their cash to create a fairer and more equitable home for those humans.

This.

Conversations need to be had immediately, love maybe blind but mortgage providers, retailers and supermarkets are not. Raising a family is expensive and presumably you decided together to have children? Honestly OP if one of your children was to grow up and have this type of relationship, what would your advice to them be?

If you teach people to treat you as second class, don't be surprised when they do. Unless there is a massive back story about your debt ridden past and your DH not trusting you with money, then I can't understand why you haven't yet addressed this. Please speak with your DH, how he can find this setup acceptable is beyond me.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 16:01

DH earns 10x what I earn.
I'm actually glad I don't have access to all his money as and when I want. It takes the pressure off me knowing whether he'd be ok with me spending particular amounts (eg for I bought pans that he thought were too expensive)
Instead, he pays for all the childcare we need and he gives me an allowance for the household expenses and food and clothes for DS etc.

PinkyBlunder · 20/12/2017 16:07

If you get married and have kids you learn to share. There is no ‘his money, her money’ it’s ‘our money’. You talk about purchases together, you learn what’s affordable, you are considerate of eachother.

That’s it. Any other way is bonkers and doomed to fail.

happypoobum · 20/12/2017 16:08

You need a joint bank account ASAP.

Or does DH want to have to stop off at the shops every night to buy nappies etc?

Why don't you have access to family money?

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 16:13

@PinkyBlunder just curious - do you think our way (ie the one I described in my post) is doomed to failure?
I'm not seeking to challenge your opinion; I'm just curious

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2017 16:17

I wouldn't marry and have children by someone who wasn't prtepared to open a joint account with me. As that horse has bolted, how about he pays you a wage for all the childcare you do, and another for all the wife work?

Sealsarewaterdogs · 20/12/2017 16:20

How long have you been together?

Runningwithscissors12 · 20/12/2017 16:20

He'd have to pay a substantial-amount to you should you divorce.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 16:22

There’s no end of.no gavel.couples aren’t obliged to share salaries.at all
There’s no compulsion to share monies and have joint acc.despite what mn say
You need to talk about how you split costs pro rata to earnings,eg higher earner pay more mortgage
We don’t share monies,salaries into own separate accounts and we don’t earn same
I simply don’t want a shared pool of money, I want autonomy to manage my own money
We have joint acc for mortgage (prorata) and utilities (split)
Individual phone contracts. Dp has sky sport he pays that as I don’t watch it
I’d encourage every woman to retain financial autonomy and not have a joint account

Seniorcitizen1 · 20/12/2017 16:27

There has always been massive differences between our earning but has never been an issue - one joint account for both incomes and all expenditures. 100% trust for 30+ years

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 16:28

DH earns 10x what I earn.I'm actually glad I don't have access to all his money as and when I want. It takes the pressure off me knowing whether he'd be ok with me spending particular amounts (eg for I bought pans that he thought were too expensive)Instead, he pays for all the childcare we need and he gives me an allowance for the household expenses and food and clothes for DS etc.

How can you live like that? He decides who much you can spend on an item? He gives you an allowance?

This isn't 1957. .

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 16:38

@10Fingers

Instead, he pays for all the childcare we need and he gives me an allowance for the household expenses and food and clothes for DS etc.

Do you also have equal say in savings and investment decisions? Do you have a pension that's being paid into (in equal proportion to DP)? Who makes the decisions about what you can afford for a family holiday, or a car etc.

How much of your own money do you have to spend as discretionary spending, compared to DP?

Do you have equal leisure time and hobbies and the finances to pursue them?

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 16:41

No...he doesn't decide how much I spend on an item. He decides how much allowance I get overall and I would choose whatever pans my allowance (taking into account other items I buy using the allowance) allows.
If I want to buy one off expensive items (eg a camera for use on family holidays or a Dyspn Hoover) I generally ask that we go halves (or half from my 'allowance' and half from his account).
He pays all the mortgage and for all family holidays.
So I do think it's a fair arrangement.
I can understand that he wants to retain an element of control over money he's earning. After all, the family is kept afloat by him so no doubt he feels some pressure. It's fair enough that he would want to keep tabs on the money

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 16:42

I don't have access to all his money

His money- you say DH so it is just as much your money.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 16:44

He decides how much allowance I get overall

How does he decide this?

Do you have a say in the decision-making (holidays, budget etc)?

Do you have an equivalent pension and a knowledge of investments/savings etc., and know what he spends his money on?

It doesn't sound equal to me, to be perfectly honest, 10Fingers. I'd feel insecure in this financial set up.

CurryWorst · 20/12/2017 16:44

Getting pocket money like a child may suit you but I don't think it can be called objectively a fair arrangement.

Arrowfanatic · 20/12/2017 16:45

My husband earns, I don't as a sahm. We have separate bank accounts. Tried a joint one but DH is a bit of an impulsive spender so this works better.

50% of his salary gets given to me on payday. I pay household bills and food, birthdays and bits. He pays the mortgage, car, and every day spending money. He'll also pay for Xmas and birthdays. We each pay our own bills.

If I need something & can't afford it but he can I talk to him & he buys it. Big expenses we discuss. Usually he runs out of money before me as I'm better at budgeting and if he needs money and I have it I give it to him.

We may have separate bank accounts, but he still considers every penny he earns as family money.

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 16:45

He decides how much allowance I get overall

It sounds more like a commercial arrangement than a marriage. Doe she control other aspects of your life? or you childrens?

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 16:46

Getting pocket money like a child may suit you but I don't think it can be called objectively a fair arrangement.

I thought it sounded like sugar daddy type arrangement.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 16:46

@NoSquirrels
He has waaaay more leisure time than I do. I do almost all the childcare (when it's not outsourced to nursery).
He's very careful with himself.
He has a gold plated final salary pension, whereas I have a normal defined contribution pension (which isn't bad as far as DC pensions go...but then everyone with a DC pension is worse off than people with a defined benefit pension Shock)

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 16:46

We may have separate bank accounts, but he still considers every penny he earns as family money.

Which it is!