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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling crap WWYD?

148 replies

Lollipop30 · 20/12/2017 14:22

How do people cope with a massive difference in income?
I’m usually ok with it but feeling a bit vulnerable, probs to do with also being 39wks preg.
The difference between DH and my income is significant, even if I did massive amounts of hours and reached the top of my game (which I have no interest or motivation to do so) I would still only pull in about a quarter of his income.
We’ve just fallen out as I’ve asked him to buy something and he hasn’t. It actually isn’t that that’s the problem, more the case of my frustration that I simply do not have enough to just get it myself. I never have enough to just get things, I was actually after some new pans so not exactly the height of luxury but it just strikes me that I can’t ever just get something just because. After outgoings and things for the kids there’s nothing actually left for me, i dont really want for anything it’d just be nice to be able to.
So WWYD? How do I just get over it?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 16:48

Well, 10Fingers, it's your life, but I wouldn't like that.

Neither the financial arrangements nor the childcare-leisure set up sound OK to me.

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 16:49

He has waaaay more leisure time than I do. I do almost all the childcare (when it's not outsourced to nursery).He's very careful with himself.

Was the marriage a financial transaction/arranged?

CurryWorst · 20/12/2017 16:50

so he has waaay more leisure time as well as lots more money?

And you're ok with that?

AntiHop · 20/12/2017 16:53

I say this on all these kind of threads. I earn more than dp, about 35% more. We both work full-time and have 3 year old.

Our wages are paid into our own accounts and then we transfer money into a joint account. But we regard all money as joint money. We take money from each other's accounts to top up the joint account if needed. We'd discuss any big purchases, if fact any household purchases at all. So in your case, we'd make a joint decision about pans.

This seems the fair way to me.

Viviennemary · 20/12/2017 16:54

Let's face it fair or not fair the one who earns the money is the one in control even if the other person thinks otherwise. At any time they can transfer their earnings into a separate account. So family money is fine as long as the other person sees it like this. As soon as they don't family money disappears in a puff of smoke. So I don't think it's really that helpful to say to OP all money is family money. Says who. The person who earns it. That's reality.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 16:55

@NoSquirrels fair enough!
I agree it's not conventional. It's tricky when there is such a disparity in earnings within a couple.
I had to put him right on what I thought was a fair allowance when he first suggested an amount. I just don't think he realised the cost of things.

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 16:58

It's tricky when there is such a disparity in earnings within a couple.

No it isn't. You are married. I assume that you live in the Uk? Legally everything is shared.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 17:00

I do note you haven't answered any questions about who is the decision maker. This is the real key for me. I disagree with Vivienne that there's no such thing as family money, but they are of course correct that at any time you could get left high and dry, unless you have put safeguards in place e.g. savings accounts in both names etc.

So what you need is financial transparency & joint decision-making.
If you don't have that, think hard.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 17:00

@rudolphslittlehelper I meant tricky in how you manage day to day life...not necessarily in any legal assessment on the dissolution of the marriage

Yes am in the UK

CurryWorst · 20/12/2017 17:02

Let's face it fair or not fair the one who earns the money is the one in control even if the other person thinks otherwise

Absolute bollocks.

At any time they can transfer their earnings into a separate account

not when they don't know the account numbers or even where their passport is to open a new account they can't!

Mxyzptlk · 20/12/2017 17:02

Maybe he just felt you didn't need new pans.

Then he should have said so and discussed it, if necessary, not just not bought them.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 17:02

tricky in how you manage day to day life

Doesn't have to be though, if both partners consider themselves to be in a joint venture where they are working and earning as a team, for the long-term.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 17:03

@NoSquirrels wasn't deliberate that I avoided questions

Am typing on slightly tiny screen and I find it harder to follow / retain questions etc than on proper computer screen

We tend to discuss big ticket stuff (eg possible school fees in future/house purchase/holidays) in the context of 'can we afford it'

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 17:06

You absolutely don't have to justify your decision to me (or anyone!) - I am just posing the questions so you can think about them. It is easy to sleepwalk from what might have been "fair" as a dating couple into something that is really unfair as married parents.

Earning big bucks doesn't - or shouldn't - buy you an extra slice of the power and decision-making.

Mxyzptlk · 20/12/2017 17:06

WWID, OP?
I'd explain it to DH as you did to us in your first post. Ask him to imagine being in your situation of not having enough money. Suggest how you'd like the money arrangements to change and/or ask him to come up with suggestions.

TyrionLannistersShadow · 20/12/2017 17:07

I can never understand how 2 people can decide to live together, share a life together, have children together yet not share their finances. It goes against everything I believe a partnership to be. My dh has always earned more than me but in turn I've made career sacrifices to care for our children, which he sees as equal value to his work. There's never any question of his money and my money, it's all our family money.

Munchyseeds · 20/12/2017 17:09

This sort of thing is very alien to me.
As soon as we got married it was "our" money in a joint account...i have always earned less than DH, went part-time when we had the kids, still only work 4 days now kids are grown.
All our money is joint because we are a partnership, I never have to ask or explain my spending but I think it does help that we both have a similar attitude to money

Moanyoldcow · 20/12/2017 17:11

Like a few here we earn disparate amounts owing to my being part-time.

We maintain separate accounts and joint accounts. Paid into our personal accounts and I do a reconciliation each month which shows how much each of us need to put in to the joint account. This is worked out so we have an equal surplus each month of a few hundred which we can do with as we please.

If we need pans or similar that would be considered a joint purchase to discuss and I would not be expected to pay for that. My expensive Dermalogica and Mac habit, on the other hand, is all down to me.

My DH has never once asked about my spending or what I 'do' with my money. Our opinion is once we decided to be a family everything is joint but we wanted some control over personal spending. Up to then we earned near-identical salaries so it never came up.

PinkyBlunder · 20/12/2017 17:11

10Fingers I personally don’t see how it can work without resentment creeping in. I honestly believe that marriage should be an equal partnership, not weighted more on one person for anything.

I guess if you’re absolutely 100% happy and there’s no resentmment ever and it’s never an issue that comes up in any way, then sure, it could work. I just don’t understand how that can be though and it’s certainly not the case for OP.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 17:13

What exactly don’t you understand about waiting to have sole acc and financial autonomy
I have no desire to put my monies in one acc.that in no way compromises our relationship or our parenting
It is important to me to have my money,and autonomy,I don’t want management our money I want my money
We are a unit,a family and that’s not compromised or minimised by not sharing all monies. This isn’t a transient relationship. And couples who have shared finances are not necessarily stronger or more committed
I didn’t take his name,we don’t have one account.these things are significant to me

WhooooAmI24601 · 20/12/2017 17:13

It's tricky when there is such a disparity in earnings within a couple.

It doesn't have to be. DH earns in two days what I earn in a month teaching Reception. No matter what I do our incomes will never match. Fortunately our money is 'ours' rather than his and he (I hope to god) realises that on top of working I also gave up a well-paid career in finance to be the one picking up the slack with the DCs, which enables him to travel regularly and rarely do such mundane tasks as school runs or haircuts.

Moanyoldcow · 20/12/2017 17:13

It's also a slippery slope to assessing a person's 'worth' based on earnings. A low earner is not a worse, less effective or valid person and to be treated as such is not acceptable.

Prettypoloponies · 20/12/2017 17:13

I personally don't agree that all money should be family money. Myself and DP are near enough paid the same and I see it that if I want to be able to spend on myself I need to bring in the money to do that, and visa-versa.
I have a DS from a previous relationship and I find it if anything uncomfortable when he spends on my son. I don't see it as his responsibility, but as my own to be providing for him.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 17:13

What exactly don’t you understand about wanting to have sole acc and financial autonomy?

Viviennemary · 20/12/2017 17:25

Hiding passports so somebody can't access their own account. That's financial abuse I'd say.

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