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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling crap WWYD?

148 replies

Lollipop30 · 20/12/2017 14:22

How do people cope with a massive difference in income?
I’m usually ok with it but feeling a bit vulnerable, probs to do with also being 39wks preg.
The difference between DH and my income is significant, even if I did massive amounts of hours and reached the top of my game (which I have no interest or motivation to do so) I would still only pull in about a quarter of his income.
We’ve just fallen out as I’ve asked him to buy something and he hasn’t. It actually isn’t that that’s the problem, more the case of my frustration that I simply do not have enough to just get it myself. I never have enough to just get things, I was actually after some new pans so not exactly the height of luxury but it just strikes me that I can’t ever just get something just because. After outgoings and things for the kids there’s nothing actually left for me, i dont really want for anything it’d just be nice to be able to.
So WWYD? How do I just get over it?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 19:37

Well, yes is there a extra payment for injurious birth?best negotiate that

Cakescakescakes · 20/12/2017 19:37

DH earns about 15 times what I earn. I am very part time though. Every penny goes into a joint account and we both have access to it all.

Lethaldrizzle · 20/12/2017 19:44

Ah lipstick - how to derail a thread using pedantry. Happens a lot on mn. This is about women being financially abused after having children, born through whatever means; vaginal, cs, adoption, But do carry on with your derailing. Sorry I offended you with vaginal birth references. Its my personal experience - not yours- But mine.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 20/12/2017 19:46

I couldn’t live like this OP.
I’m not sure how he thinks this is acceptable either.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 20:01

I’m not derailing in least,I’m trying to follow your want remuneration for having a baby logic
And as you know not all births are the same
You set your benchmark of every penny for vaginal out of fanny birth
I wondered the remuneration for other deliveries

I introduced my own birth experience not to be reflective but simply to ponder if it still equates to your recommendation of every penny

user1471426142 · 20/12/2017 20:09

We’ve got a large income disparity but like others everything is joint. Viewing things as a household just makes financial sense so you can make the most of tax allowances etc. We generally consult on items above £50 and as we’ve gotten older more things have become fully joint rather than using a ‘spending money’ pot that we each had when we were first married for gifts, clothes etc.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:03

@DailyMailReaders what do you think would be fair in my situation - just curious?
DH doesn't actually spend the money he earns (and which doesn't give me in allowance or otherwise spends on mortgage/childcare/holidays).

Well, he does spend a bit of it. But really not very much. I'm assuming he's saving it. Or massively pre-paying the mortgage.
One day (when he's retired) I may be grateful that he's 'withheld' that money and has saved it because, generous as a final salary pension is, it won't be nearly what his income is now.

rudolphslittlehelper · 20/12/2017 22:07

I'm assuming he's saving it. Or massively pre-paying the mortgage.

Are you not on the mortgage?

We get an annual statement sent to each mortgage holder if you are- you must know if he is over paying

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:08

Nope, not on the mortgage. Property not in my name.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 22:15

I'm assuming he's saving it. Or massively pre-paying the mortgage.

You need to know more about how your future lives are going to pan out.

You're married, so that's good - no matter whose name the house is in you're protected.

But to not know where all the rest of the money is or goes would hugely concern me. Doesn't it bother you at all?

nuttyknitter · 20/12/2017 22:15

What happened to 'with all my worldly goods I thee endow'? If you're married then your income is joint - end of.

ConciseandNice · 20/12/2017 22:19

Every penny I earn is money that I consider to be ours. I earn more than my hubby and he is the primary carer. He earns too, working part-time. If I looked on my earnings being mine and not his then that would make me an utter asshole frankly. Put your positions the other way round. Would you think that is ok? If not, you need to have a proper sit-down conversation about it. It's not right. It really isn't.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:21

But to not know where all the rest of the money is or goes would hugely concern me. Doesn't it bother you at all?

If i thought he might be spending it all (or even a large proportion of it) I'd want to know that. But I know he's either saving it or pre-paying the mortgage. It's one or the other. It doesn't bother me which.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 22:24

Do the mortgage deeds predate you 10fingers,was he sole owner before you married?

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:25

I realise that in my earlier post I said "I'm assuming" and then in my next post I said "I know"... the truth is - it's an assumption that's present in our conversations about money/plans and which he doesn't disagree with or put me right on.
And I don't see where else the money might be going!

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:26

Yes, they do and yes he was sole ownerr. But he bought another house since we married.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 22:30

Is he saving for your DS?

Are any of the savings in your name? If not, why not? It's tax efficient.

I just can't imagine how you can be so passive about something that is fundamental to your future.

You sound secure in your relationship and happy with how things are. But it would concern me greatly, and in your position I'd be pushing for full transparency.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 22:34

It wouldn't even be about if he's spending it or saving it, for me. It would be about one person not having the ultimate say over our family's financial future and the direction of our lives.

If something happened to incapacitate him (temporarily or permanently), could you access the money you'd need?

ZigZagandDustin · 20/12/2017 22:37

All money should be family money. You shouldn't have to ask for money. If you spend too much on things your DH doesn't agree with then he needs to raise that with you as a discussion but he can't be holding all the money under his control.

You say even at the top of your game you wouldn't make anything like what he does. I always think it's a disgrace that women are bred to aspire to low wage jobs. We choose our careers at 16-17 yrs old to a huge extent. Society pushes girls into jobs where they'd never be able to support their children alone if something was to happen. It's a major issue in my mind.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:40

I hadn't thought about if he was incapacitated in such a way that he wasn't able to give instructions about accessing his money or how it should be used...
It's true that I don't know how things work in such a situation.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:41

Society pushes girls into jobs where they'd never be able to support their children alone if something was to happen. It's a major issue in my mind.

I disagree that that is the case nowadays.

10FingersOnTheFender · 20/12/2017 22:42

It would be about one person not having the ultimate say over our family's financial future and the direction of our lives.

How do you mean?

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 22:44

I hadn't thought about if he was incapacitated in such a way that he wasn't able to give instructions about accessing his money or how it should be used...

Start thinking! Honestly, Fingers, why would you want to be in that position if something incredibly stressful and upsetting had happened? Educate yourself.

If your DH doesn't wish to share the knowledge and decision-making, then something else is going on you should examine.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 22:44

yes There are low wage jobs that women end up in.but a lot of women give up well paid careers for men
Cursory look on mn you’ll read women recounting they gave up career to facilitate man career progression
The person giving things up is usually the woman,hardly ever the man
it’s normalised as what women do,the benchmark of a committed mum is seen to be a mum who has given things up, for the kids

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/12/2017 22:47

10fingers, get wills and advanced directives be explicit about Wishes,managing finances and have a talk about financial planning in event illness