Feeling crap WWYD?

[Lollipop30]

How do people cope with a massive difference in income?
I’m usually ok with it but feeling a bit vulnerable, probs to do with also being 39wks preg.
The difference between DH and my income is significant, even if I did massive amounts of hours and reached the top of my game (which I have no interest or motivation to do so) I would still only pull in about a quarter of his income.
We’ve just fallen out as I’ve asked him to buy something and he hasn’t. It actually isn’t that that’s the problem, more the case of my frustration that I simply do not have enough to just get it myself. I never have enough to just get things, I was actually after some new pans so not exactly the height of luxury but it just strikes me that I can’t ever just get something just because. After outgoings and things for the kids there’s nothing actually left for me, i dont really want for anything it’d just be nice to be able to.
So WWYD? How do I just get over it?

I don't agree that all money is family money. But DH does. So I get the best of both worlds. What I am saying is that family money is only family money and joint money if the person who is either left the money, earns the money and so on agrees. So there is no point in saying to somebody it's family money. Legally it isn't unless it's in a joint account.

OP, you know this already but you need to have a serious discussion with your DH if everything you earn is being spent on running the household, to the extent you have absolutely nothing left of your own. It would be much fairer if you each contribute an equal percentage of your income to a pot that covers all the necessities.

Unfortunately this is yet another thread where many MNers simply won’t accept that not everyone wants to have completely pooled finances.

Maybe my attitude is different because i don't see myself as having given up the opportunity to earn what DH earns by being the parent chiefly responsible for childcare.
I used to be a lawyer. But I would never be able, even as a lawyer, to command DH's salary because to do so I'd have to work ALL THE HOURS GOD SENDS. And I just physically can't do that. Whether or not I'm single/attached/married/childfree/with children.
So basically I gave up being a private practice solicitor for my own health and sanity and happiness.

OP you are growing the baby for both of you. That affects your earning power. Women with kids are generally paid less than men with kids. Why would your DH want to bring that societal inequality into your relationship?

OP said in her OP that she hasn’t the interest or motivation to progress her career to earn more, so don’t try to make out she’s held back by either her DH or society in general.

OP it might help us advise you if you gave us an insight into your DH's thinking by giving us a summary of what he said in this row and how he responded to you talking about the pans and the fact that he hadn't bought them...

I do agree with the point ShelleyBoobs just made

We have a joint account and share everything. We buy what we want, although we made sure we had the same attitude to money before we married. We are a partnership. End of. I can't imagine asking for permission, although we are both sensible and have no debt. Financial abuse is just that - abuse.

We have a joint account and I deal with all the bills, partly because I do all of the finances for our small family business too and partly because dh has no time or interest to do so. He earns way more than me (around five times as much). When I had ds1, I gave up paid employment (joint decision that it would be best for us - no family support as we live outside the UK plus dh works long hours often away from home). I was only prepared to do so if we had joint finances (though dh had no objection anyway). There is absolutely no way I would have done so if I had a received an allowance. I just couldn’t have lived like that. I don’t understand your reasoning behind “taking the pressure off” 10fingers. Your life of course but no way would that work for me.

Has anyone rocked up yet to say their dp is Mega earner but can’t shop,cook etc
So dw runs the finances for the adult man who can hold down job but inexplicably not do any domestic task,recall birthdays,send birthday cards. For this he forfeits all his salary to his dw who gave up work so she can run a home and make sure adult partner has clothes that she chooses ( cause he can’t shop)

Off topic and I’m going to get flamed, not that I care, but I often wonder if the “all money is family money” brigade are so persistent with this mantra because it’s a big part of their life plan?

People talk about societal inequality and the patriarchy holding us back but the reality for too many girls and women is that landing a man with a decent job is pretty much their “career”.

I am in no way saying that this applies across the board, or even to a majority, but it’s still prevalent.

My own niece is an example of this. 21 and in a somewhat dead-end job for the past few years after deciding to not take up her uni place, she has a BF and he works with her in the same role. I’ve lost count of the number of times my BIL+SIL have told her that “BF is lovely but he’s going nowhere and you really needs to think about the future, etc. Etc”, implying she needs to find someone with higher earning potential. Not a word about getting her own arse into gear and thinking about a career herself, though.

@ShellyBoobs
Yeah, my cousin bless her isnt the brightest but her parents paid her way through law school and were quite blatant about why.

She is jndeed now engaged to a lawyer.

posters complain about men,patriarchy and then enact it by giving up work and being sahm
Unable to see they’re perpetrating and maintaining patriarchy by their actions
They then describe an solvent adult man who needs them to shop,buy his clothes,run house

My wealthy and successful cousin has a wife who does not have a single GCSE and has never worked a day in her life, even now the children are at school, but looks down on me, single, with three degrees and a career, and sees herself as more successful than I am

Maintaining the patriarchy was not high on my list of reasons for giving up work and staying at home to look after dcs . It suited us to do so given the long hours often away from home dh’s job involves. I took the opportunity to study (so now have qualifications in two different areas, both of which I am now able to use). He was not the higher earner when I stopped working so nothing to do with making it my career to find a rich man! Dh is a much better cook than me and is perfectly able to shop and do housework when he is around. Stereotypes flying around on here a bit!

Not really,simply stuff I see on mn daily.woman gave up work for family.dp worked on
Her dp works all hours apparently and he’d be nothing career wise without her
You don’t have to go far on a mn thread to read about women giving things up

Well it was certainly my plan Shellyboobs. I wanted kids and I wanted to stay at home when they were little and I want to work pt now. So I needed to marry a man who was ok with that. As it turned out, there were compromises to be made. I went back fulltime when ds1 was a baby, to finish a contract and dh compressed his hours to cover 1 day a week and my mum got roped in to help. Then I was a SAHM for 5 years, then fulltime again, now part time - sometimes 2 days a week, sometimes 3 or 4. If dh wanted to work part time too, I'd be up for it. Not good to be too prescriptive.

If I push a man's child out of of my vagina and I'm married to him (or at least with him), I expect access to every penny he earns

I earned double what my husband did (now 4x). Everything went into a joint account. We talked to each other about big purchases but it was more "My laptop's on the way out, I need to buy a new one" than "Can I have a new laptop?" The only way in hell I would've considered controlling his spending through an "allowance" would have been if he had a gambling addiction or something.

10FingersOnTheFender Your relationship doesn't sound anywhere near fair or equal. You'd be better off if you divorced him, and that's not right.

Hiding passports so somebody can't access their own account. That's financial abuse I'd say

What a nasty mind you have. I said doesn't know where his passport is, not that I have hidden it.

I’ve never pushed a child out, all my dc delivered by CS.
Is there reduced financial entitlement if one didn't push a baby out?
is there a sliding scale of remuneration?vaginsl birth = every penny.CS you’re getting fa

Ok lipstick, If I grew a man's child inside my body for 9 months then I would expect access to every penny he earns. But pushing a kid out of ones vagina sharpens ones sense of 'partnership'

I’ve never made it a full 9mth, or pushed anything out my vagina.do I get less?
Is there a sliding scale of remuneration eg forceps and/or ventouse yiu get a bonus for pain
If you only had CS is that less cause there was no pushing

Lipstick I think the only person who can answer that is yourself.

No, you introduced notion of remuneration if a baby was pushed out a fanny?
As you know there are many modes of arrival, does that still equal every penny
You are of course kidding lethal.expecting every penny cause you got up the duff
That logic is Jeremy Kyle show ,accompanied by a trackie and Croydon facelift

Oh I had forceps twice, and tearing! Do I get a bonus payment? Or an upgrade to a higher earning dh?