to think you can hold a baby too much?

[MardyMarie]

I was just speaking to my sister. She's fallen out with her DH over their DC3, 4 month old DS. BIL has been on annual leave for the past ten days and has literally done nothing besides hold baby DS all day long. My sister has been running herself ragged doing food shopping, cleaning, buying and wrapping presents in anticipation of guests, as well as everything for their other DC and BIL as he's been incapacitated by holding the baby! Yesterday BIL went on his work Christmas jolly and DS has been impossible to put down since. DSIS was in tears because she had so been looking forward to spending some time with their other DC but baby DS has made it impossible.

Before BILs leave, she had begun to get into a bit of a routine where DS would nap in his cot with white noise playing at predictable times. She says that's gone completely out the window because now DS just wants to be held. She spoke to BIL on the first day of his leave about putting him down and was told that you can't hold a baby too much and that he wanted to bond.

She said she tried again on day 3 and that BIL pretty much said she's cold for not wanting to hold DS. She pointed out that she has the other DC to look after, meals to cook, cleaning to do and so on and that she can't hold DS all the time so it's best to get him used to being put down while he's happy to do so. BIL still refused to listen.

AIBU to think that he's being unfair, and effectively using the baby to get out of doing anything else? DSIS wanted DS in a nap routine ready for her routine to work, which she had been dressing but was happier knowing DS had been self settling a cot recently. Now she feels like she's back to square one and that he's going to be upset so much more than was necessary.

YABU as babies cannot be cuddled or held too much.
Your sister in law needs a sling. Maybe get her an ergonomic one for Xmas.

*return
*dreading

Next time I'll fetch my glasses before posting instead of squinting my way through it!

No, babies cannot be held too much IME - some need to be held rather a lot.

She needs to get ahold of this baby and let him do more running around like a daftie in the run up to Christmas - it is not right that a woman who is 4 months postnatal does the bulk of pre-Christmas WifeWork while he gazes adoringly at his offspring and does nought.

This is not a baby-holding problem, it's an equality in their relationship problem.

Well more fool her.

Time for bil to move out or they move out.

She’s an experienced mum and should tell him to fuck off.

Hmm, it does depend on parenting style really but I'd be inclined to agree with the BIL and say babies need holding! But it's not on if he's using it as an excuse to slack off, he could use a sling as PPs have said.

It sounds like they need to talk about parenting style though and come to some kind of agreement - it's not fair on either of them or the baby if they're both trying to do different things and nobody is consistent.

But it’s not his off spring is it if hes the bil???

Unless it’s Jeremy Kyle

Indeed, or hand baby to mum and instruct her to rest!

Yes, OP''s BIL is the sisters husband and baby's dad! That's how I read it anyway.

Oh bloody hell sorry got the wrong end

She should be holding the baby and he should be doing the Christmas Stuff!

Babies certainly need holding. She should sit and cuddle the baby and leave DH to do the running around.

Hmm not sure about this. He was holding and spending time bonding with his baby and probably feels he hasn't had time to do this in the last 4 months much when working to provide for them all!

If he was just lounging on the sofa and not helping in any way whatsoever then that wouldn't be right but surely it's a huge help caring for and giving the baby lots of daddy attention.

For that reason I think SIBU

No baby can be held too much.

Im with him. They're not little for long, fill their cup (and yours) with cuddles while you can, white noise is a poor sustitute and she sounds overly invested in her routines.

No babies can't be held too much, I found it hard to put mine down.
However, the dh should be doing his fair share and not using this as an excuse.
Buy the dh a sling for Christmas, and his wife a weekend away, child free.
He just needs proportion, it sounds like his heart is in the right place.
What's he like with his other kids, was he the same when they were babies.

I thought babies shouldnt be sleeping in a different room from parents until 6 months, even for naps, if that is still current advice then he shouldnt be put to sleep in a cot on his own anyway.

I dont think the baby being held is the issue, babies should be held as much as they want to be, the problem is a lazy BIL who foists the 'wifework' on to his partner.

Having reread and looked at the context about easing her return to work fears, actually I change my position a bit, she does have a point there and he's being a bit of an arse to undermine that. It does seem like this is an opportunity though to open up discussion as why wasn't he aware or supporting of this plan in the first place? It's definitely possible to keep up a baby's routine plus have lots of cuddle time when the routine permits which shul mean he has lots of time to help.

Agree holding babies is bloody the best ever but being practical and having 5 kids you can’t aleays hold and I couldn’t sling with my back issues so let’s not make mums feel guilty for not holding all the time.

However the mum needs the rest. It should be shared cuddles.

Poor baby, of course you can't cuddle a baby too much. How sad that she's trying to put a tiny baby into a routine. They need an ergonomic baby carrier for cuddles while doing jobs.

Toasty don’t think the op mentioned a different room just putting down

Oh dear really poor baby and how sad

Yes it’s a clear case of abuse. Ffs!

Having reread and looked at the context about easing her return to work fears, actually I change my position a bit
But shes showing no care for the fact that hes ALREADY back at work and hasnt had the same time with the baby that she has had and has probably been really looking forward to this! Its not all about her. Hes also the childs parent and if he doesnt agree that the child should be alone in a room with white noice when theres perfectly good arms available then thats valid too,

If she wants to flap about the visitors thats her choice and she shouldnt act the martyr, when I had a 4 month old visitors had to take us as they found us!

So she's got other kids and the house to look after, got the baby in a bit of a routine and self settling, he's turned it round and now the baby wants to be held full time, and she needs a sling?!? I'd get a sling and fucking strangle him with it.

This is not about whether a baby can / can't be held too much, this is about selfish dad doing the nice job of cuddling the baby whilst his wife (who was the one who's given birth so will be tired, and have physical pain) is run ragged doing housework and looking after other dc.

If the husband is so keen on the baby being held 100% of the time (although I doubt he is doing it at night do he's not being consistent) then they should be doing it 50/50 so both can bond.

I personally think when the baby is sleeping or just lying quietly he / she can go in a crib. It's lovely to hold them but I don't think it is necessary all the time.

There's a massive growth spurt at 4 months so the baby will naturally want to be cuddled more anyway. It's often not possible to get a baby that age in a routine anyway (although there's always exceptions), but with all the spurts and leaps their routine will naturally change over time.

Fair enough, i just assumed the cot would be in the bedroom, and cooking etc errands would be elsewhere.