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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you can hold a baby too much?

170 replies

MardyMarie · 19/12/2017 22:20

I was just speaking to my sister. She's fallen out with her DH over their DC3, 4 month old DS. BIL has been on annual leave for the past ten days and has literally done nothing besides hold baby DS all day long. My sister has been running herself ragged doing food shopping, cleaning, buying and wrapping presents in anticipation of guests, as well as everything for their other DC and BIL as he's been incapacitated by holding the baby! Yesterday BIL went on his work Christmas jolly and DS has been impossible to put down since. DSIS was in tears because she had so been looking forward to spending some time with their other DC but baby DS has made it impossible.

Before BILs leave, she had begun to get into a bit of a routine where DS would nap in his cot with white noise playing at predictable times. She says that's gone completely out the window because now DS just wants to be held. She spoke to BIL on the first day of his leave about putting him down and was told that you can't hold a baby too much and that he wanted to bond.

She said she tried again on day 3 and that BIL pretty much said she's cold for not wanting to hold DS. She pointed out that she has the other DC to look after, meals to cook, cleaning to do and so on and that she can't hold DS all the time so it's best to get him used to being put down while he's happy to do so. BIL still refused to listen.

AIBU to think that he's being unfair, and effectively using the baby to get out of doing anything else? DSIS wanted DS in a nap routine ready for her routine to work, which she had been dressing but was happier knowing DS had been self settling a cot recently. Now she feels like she's back to square one and that he's going to be upset so much more than was necessary.

OP posts:
GingerbreadMa · 19/12/2017 23:41

Kokeshi if you really believe that babies are mere mouldable products of their parents routine, and what your parents do with you at 4mths sets your habits in stone for life, then by definition it works both ways, and so called "self settling" will also be teaching them to "suck it up" not to reach out to their parents? Which wouldnt be so "convenient" once youre trying to find out whats upsetting them at school etc

Original poster
MardyMarie · 19/12/2017 23:43

When I said self settling, I meant she would change and feed him and put him down sleepy but awake. He would then look around a bit before dropping off to sleep. She didn't leave him to grumble or cry.

OP posts:
GingerbreadMa · 19/12/2017 23:45

Nope you said she used white noise. So the baby clearly wasnt happily going done by itself, otherwise the white noise would have been redundant...

Original poster
MardyMarie · 19/12/2017 23:49

The white noise was more to drown out the other DC so they didn't feel they needed to tiptoe around baby.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 19/12/2017 23:50

How on earth did any of you manage to put the baby down long enough to conceive another?!

Meanwhile, back in the real world.......

GingerbreadMa · 19/12/2017 23:55

Quite easily thanks pyong. They go through phases when they need lots of cuddles and phases when they dont. 4 months is a well known high need time. Giving them what they need at 4 months doesnt make them less independant later, it does the opposite actually

PandaPieForTea · 19/12/2017 23:58

You can’t bond with a baby for 10 days and then fuck off again. That isn’t bonding. For a baby, part of bonding is being reliable and consistent.

As for getting a sling and hoiking a baby around all day, that really isn’t the answer for all families. I really didn’t get on with slings (and I tried plenty). I did hold my babies lots, but I wouldn’t be dogmatic about it.

GingerbreadMa · 20/12/2017 00:03

Ah! Id better not give my kids any extra attention over christmas because Im going to "fuck off" back to work after so thats not bonding..

Jesus wept!

Originalfoogirl · 20/12/2017 00:03

She feels like he's only concerned with him getting his time with DS.
Or maybe he’s concerned that in the entire 4 months, she has apparently spent fewer than 10 days holding her baby.🙄

spinningpenguin · 20/12/2017 00:09

I don't see anything wrong with this. If we truly want gender equality than we shouldn't have a problem with these kind of scenarios. Who cares whether it's mum or dad holding a baby as long as baby is happy, fed, clean and content? If anything, it's fantastic for the future daddy-baby bond. So what if mama is 4 months pp? That's plenty of time to get back in the swing of things! I'm saying this as someone who is 3 months pp.

Jux · 20/12/2017 00:17

Babysling is the answer. Put babe in sling, wear sling, do stuff.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/12/2017 00:25

If I had a 4 month old and worked full time I’d spend a weeks leave holding the baby too. Routine is an illusion at 4 months.

If he’s genuinely a lazy arse, why did she have a third child with him?

ProseccoMamam · 20/12/2017 00:41

I mean you can't hold them too much, if you have always got free arms and fuck all else to do (in regards to housework/cooking/job ect).

But I think what you're trying to say is that holding babies all the time makes them whiney and soft. And I fully agree. I have a big family and none of the children in it (ranging over 40 years) were clingy or whiney and soft. However have had a few friends who held their kids constantly and now have clingy horrid whinging babies/toddlers and they are really not nice to be around. It's really not a bad thing to be able to leave a baby on a bouncer or in a play mat so you can get stuff done. Independence is a good trait to have. I carried my kids for 10 months I don't want them on my hips for years and years. If attachment parenting works for you then do it I really don't care. But every single mum I know who went down the attachment parenting route are the ONLY parents who complain of having needy, clingy, whiney kids who don't eat/sleep/settle properly. It can't be a coincidence every time....

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 00:52

I’d really like to hold my 4-month-olds again just for a few hours.

Routine will come. Baby days are fleeting.

If he’s lazy, address that. If he’s not listening to her concerns about routine/going back to work, address that.

But babies cannot be held too much at 4 months old.

eeanne · 20/12/2017 00:56

However have had a few friends who held their kids constantly and now have clingy horrid whinging babies/toddlers and they are really not nice to be around.

Correlation vs causation problem. DD1 had colic and constantly cried unless held. She is now a demanding toddler. DD2 was totally different and able to nap in her Moses basket basically from birth. Same parents same parenting style (not attachment) - just different personalities.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2017 01:01

Ok so babies can't be held too much imo

BUT

why has he not spent any of his leave playing with the other kids or helping out his wife with house stuff so she can also homed him?

Does he come in from work e erynight and hold baby till bedtime and then hold him all weekend? Sounds like a NO from the OP so why so different now?

Obviously is baby is fusing or upset then they need picking up but I think spending the week on his bottom saying "sorry I have to hold the baby" then going back to work and leaving a baby who now expects to be held all the time is selfish. Yes she could sling the baby but its hard to do that and scrub the bath or crawl rpubd the floor pretending to be a dragon for the toddler

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2017 01:02

NoSquirrels Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2017 01:03

But I think what you're trying to say is that holding babies all the time makes them whiney and soft
Aren't kids meant to be soft? I don't need my toddler to be hard

DeviceVice · 20/12/2017 01:19

I regret not holding my babies more.

DeviceVice · 20/12/2017 01:19

However he should hold the baby AND do something else at the same time, otherwise it's a cop out to sit down and have the easy life.

Coyoacan · 20/12/2017 01:31

The two of them seem to have gone to extremes. The mother never holding the baby and the father only holding the baby. I think he is right to want to bond with the baby, but it shouldn't be at the expense of doing his fair share of housework and the mother seems to think the baby doesn't need to be held at all, because housework is much more important.

noeffingidea · 20/12/2017 03:07

Babysling is the answer.
In your opinion. Personally I would have hated having to wear a sling and carry my baby around all day long when they were happy to nap in their cribs, lay on the floor and kick or sit in a bouncy chair and play with toys. Especially when they were 4 months old.
I'd be fucking fuming if my babies dad had changed their routine and pattern of care.

ethelfleda · 20/12/2017 04:07

Correlation vs causation problem

YY to this.
SIL is very much an advocate of attachment parenting and her DS (now 5) is the most confident and considerate child. He couldn't wait to start school to "meet new friends" was excited for his own bed and is a loving and empathetic brother to his little sister.

pallisers · 20/12/2017 04:19

How does this "babies need holding" thing work if you have to feed and mind older children? Everyone has a mandatory sling??

My dad loved babies (I'd say my mum had a steel grip on him when we were babies) and felt they should be held by an adult all the time and rocked to sleep. It was really lovely to see him with his grandchildren and they all to this day (he is 10 years dead) adore him. But my sister and I would go off our f-ing heads with him because he would rock babies to sleep in his arms and carry them around all the time. Fine except we couldn't do that without going under completely. Sounds like your BIL has done the same - had a lovely time rocking baby in his arms for the brief time he was responsible and then left his wife to continue on. I'd be incandescent myself.

I do love the poster who said The mother never holding the baby and the father only holding the baby. Where on earth did it say the mother never held the baby??? It just said that she didn't hold the baby ALL the time (because she had other important shit to do while minding the baby like minding her other children)

EssentialHummus · 20/12/2017 04:38

So she's got other kids and the house to look after, got the baby in a bit of a routine and self settling, he's turned it round and now the baby wants to be held full time, and she needs a sling?!? I'd get a sling and fucking strangle him with it.

Me too! Routine doesn’t have to mean shoving them in a dark room and not responding to them for the next x hours, just simple bath-feed-bottle-dummy-down stuff that probably makes the mum’s life easier in the longer term.