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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you can hold a baby too much?

170 replies

MardyMarie · 19/12/2017 22:20

I was just speaking to my sister. She's fallen out with her DH over their DC3, 4 month old DS. BIL has been on annual leave for the past ten days and has literally done nothing besides hold baby DS all day long. My sister has been running herself ragged doing food shopping, cleaning, buying and wrapping presents in anticipation of guests, as well as everything for their other DC and BIL as he's been incapacitated by holding the baby! Yesterday BIL went on his work Christmas jolly and DS has been impossible to put down since. DSIS was in tears because she had so been looking forward to spending some time with their other DC but baby DS has made it impossible.

Before BILs leave, she had begun to get into a bit of a routine where DS would nap in his cot with white noise playing at predictable times. She says that's gone completely out the window because now DS just wants to be held. She spoke to BIL on the first day of his leave about putting him down and was told that you can't hold a baby too much and that he wanted to bond.

She said she tried again on day 3 and that BIL pretty much said she's cold for not wanting to hold DS. She pointed out that she has the other DC to look after, meals to cook, cleaning to do and so on and that she can't hold DS all the time so it's best to get him used to being put down while he's happy to do so. BIL still refused to listen.

AIBU to think that he's being unfair, and effectively using the baby to get out of doing anything else? DSIS wanted DS in a nap routine ready for her routine to work, which she had been dressing but was happier knowing DS had been self settling a cot recently. Now she feels like she's back to square one and that he's going to be upset so much more than was necessary.

OP posts:
saladdays66 · 19/12/2017 22:46

Yup, he’s a selfish bellend using the excuse of holding the baby to do fuck all for Christmas. I’ll help Charlie to strangle him!

What a useless, awkward twat.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2017 22:47

*So she's got other kids and the house to look after, got the baby in a bit of a routine and self settling, he's turned it round and now the baby wants to be held full time, and she needs a sling?!? I'd get a sling and fucking strangle him with it.^

^^This

GingerbreadMa · 19/12/2017 22:47

whilst his wife (who was the one who's given birth so will be tired, and have physical pain) is run ragged doing housework and looking after other dc.

Read the OP again, the "run ragged" bit was in relation to her fussing about the guests...which is optional.. the run ragged statement wasnt about the essential house chores and other kids...

Fuck that, the baby is more important than the visitors, but if she doesnt think so, fine! She can faff herself to death over the impending royal visit but she is UR to expect her DH to join in, I wouldnt!

RNBrie · 19/12/2017 22:49

You've asked the wrong question OP.

I agree you can't hold a baby too much. But you can marry a twat who doesn't pull his weight.

They are two totally separate issues.

They should be drawing up a list of jobs and allocating them fairly and then splitting the baby holding down the middle. Or sharing the baby in a sling.

My dc were all in routines from a young age but I held them a lot when they were up.

Dairymilkmuncher · 19/12/2017 22:52

Yes to

"You've asked the wrong question OP.

I agree you can't hold a baby too much. But you can marry a twat who doesn't pull his weight.

They are two totally separate issues."

Get them a sling so they can take turns cuddling and getting stuff done.

Also yes to any routines that have been set up in early days being out he window at this age anyways, I kept having to start from scratch with mine after each sleep regression or grown spurt

MiserableAsSin · 19/12/2017 22:53

Babies who are happy to be put down will be happy to be put down regardless of how much you hold them .
Babies who need to be held will need to be held regardless of how much you 'teach them' not to be
Hth

Originalfoogirl · 19/12/2017 22:55

A father? Holding his child? Only MN can make him out to be useless and lazy.

If your SIL was trying to get the baby into a routine, she should tell her husband that. He probably thinks he was helping her by taking care of the baby.

Original poster
MardyMarie · 19/12/2017 23:03

He does think he's helping her by holding the baby. She's explained that he's getting to spend more time focussing on the baby in one day than she's had in the baby's entire life because she has everything else to do too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MardyMarie · 19/12/2017 23:04

Baby was happy to sleep in a travel cot while she did jobs. It seems strange to insist on holding them when they're content not to be some of the time?

OP posts:
AccrualIntentions · 19/12/2017 23:06

You can't hold a baby too much. It's also totally ok to put a baby down for a nap in e.g. a Moses basket or travel cot and get on with other stuff.

NoSquirrels · 19/12/2017 23:07

4 months is classic massive growth spurt territory. The "being held by his dad" thing is probably just ill-timed coincidence - even without the change in routine, the baby would probably have changed it up anyway.

But both parents should be working together, not against each other, and the "trapped under a heavy baby" routine is very annoying for the person who's NOT able to sit on the sofa and relax, but has to crack on with all the other domestic stuff. So I sympathise with her.

Presumably it's their last baby, in all likelihood? Perhaps he's feeling wistful and wanting to grab that brief babyhood while it lasts?

NoSquirrels · 19/12/2017 23:08

She should go out by herself for the day - supermarket shopping, last-minute Christmas gift-buying, whatever thinly veiled excuse is necessary - and leave him with ALL the DC and a list of stuff that needs to get done.

He might suddenly be a bit more sympathetic then.

Sealsarewaterdogs · 19/12/2017 23:11

YABIU

1.) Let him enjoy holding the baby, they're only a baby once.

2.) If xmas gift buying and food shopping is making her run around so much, cut back. Christmas is about bonding and cuddles not stress.

EB123 · 19/12/2017 23:15

Well I don't think you can hold a baby too much.

I held all of mine as much as possible tbh. If he was sat holding baby he could have easily done some online shopping while baby napped. I did this alot last year when ds3 was a baby.

PrimalLass · 19/12/2017 23:15

If the baby was happy before to be put down then the DH has f-ed it all up. My mum always told me that babies would get sore if held constantly and they needed down for a stretch.

sailorcherries · 19/12/2017 23:17

She's explained that he's getting to spend more time focussing on the baby in one day than she's had in the baby's entire life because she has everything else to do too.

Slight exaggeration there Hmm

Lashalicious · 19/12/2017 23:21

Wow.

A baby cannot be held too much. The fact op and the mother don’t know this is kind of disturbing. The dad is on leave and this is his chance to hold his baby. That’s why he is holding the baby so much. The dad has more sense than the mother. The way the op has described it, it sounds like the mother is daft. Some of that stuff she’s busying herself with can be let go and dad can help do the minimum basics. He sounds like a fantastic person to me. Leagues beyond the mother. When a mother is super tired she is thrilled to find someone to hold the baby because generally that is ALL she is doing, is holding the baby WHILE doing everything else, this is a universal truth. This mother in the op does not seem interested in holding the baby at all, very strange. I carried my baby whilst doing what I needed to do. When I took a shower, I put the baby in a bouncy seat right next to the shower so I could keep an eye on him. The rest of the time I was carrying him, holding him, while doing all the things around the house or pushing him in the stroller outside. He did not spend one night or nap in the crib he never wanted to sleep, yes it’s hard. But those are the magical days when everything else goes away, you do the bare minimum because your first priority is holding the baby. There’s a show or book I can’t remember the name, where a woman takes her baby to the doctor because the baby’s always crying. “What do I do, Doctor?” “Go home and hold the baby.” For how long? For eight hours. Eight hours?? She is flabbergasted. A baby needs to be held. A lot. More than eight hours usually. Soon enough the baby will be crawling more and more and toddling then walking then too big to carry. Op, your sister needs to slow down and hold the baby and let her husband hold the baby while he is on leave. He is probably wondering why she never wants to hold the baby. He knows that if he gives up his chance to hold the baby and hands the baby to his wife, she immediately puts the baby down by himself and goes off to do more important things. The dad has it right.

LittleMe03 · 19/12/2017 23:27

*Lashilicious
*
I agree

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/12/2017 23:28

Actually I agree with the OP to a certain exent. A newborn is different but at 4 months they are learning to move, roll, find their fingers and toes etc and they need a certain amount of time to do that. Being held the whole time would be restrictive.

It certainly seems like he has totally fucked up the routine. My mum had this problem with dad when I was a baby and it wasnt until she said "FINE YOU DEAL WITH HER THEN!" and fucked off for the day and he didnt get one second to even wee that he agreed to stick to the routine.

And I also agree that it seems like a handy "I cant I am holding the baby" excuse to do bugger all.

She needs to leave him to it with all the kids for a day and then he will get it.

sailorcherries · 19/12/2017 23:29

Lashalicious this is the second post I've noticed by you, in as many days, filled with utter made up shite.

Kokeshi123 · 19/12/2017 23:34

I don't think being held causes some kind of "moral decay" in children.

I DO think that babies like adults get used to things and develop sleep associations. If the sleep association involves being held, this can lead to a situation where a baby gets into a habit of just wanting to be held all the time, like an adult who can't sleep unless the white noise machine is on. This can make it very hard to run an household and not everyone can drag a baby round in a bloody sling all day long.

I would start getting the baby in the habit of some self-settling, to be honest.

StupidSlimyGit · 19/12/2017 23:37

I think many others have hit the nail on the head here. You can't hold a baby too much as long as they are happy being held. Sounds like she needs to relax a little and not get so worked up when guests are arriving and they need to take it in turns holding the baby. Let him do some of the work while she has cuddles. I've attached a poem which my mom sent me when I had DD1, maybe it'll help her relax a little? Having a new baby is stressful so no judgement for her from me at all. Does sound like he needs to pull his finger out a bit though.

to think you can hold a baby too much?
Lashalicious · 19/12/2017 23:40

Oh no sailor is back and stalking me. That’s pretty creepy.

OkPedro · 19/12/2017 23:40

sail 😂
lashalicious
Honestly?! Yeah totally normal to hold a baby for 8 fuckn hours!

Original poster
MardyMarie · 19/12/2017 23:40

Some things just can't be done while holding him. Washing up, bathing the others, throwing the toddler around to play. The other DC are being great but some time without their baby brother attached to their mum would be very much appreciated, too. It frustrates DSIS that if BIL put baby down and helped with what needs doing then it'd obviously be done in half the time, then they could all enjoy some quality time together. She feels like he's only concerned with him getting his time with DS.

OP posts:
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