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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think you can hold a baby too much?

170 replies

MardyMarie · 19/12/2017 22:20

I was just speaking to my sister. She's fallen out with her DH over their DC3, 4 month old DS. BIL has been on annual leave for the past ten days and has literally done nothing besides hold baby DS all day long. My sister has been running herself ragged doing food shopping, cleaning, buying and wrapping presents in anticipation of guests, as well as everything for their other DC and BIL as he's been incapacitated by holding the baby! Yesterday BIL went on his work Christmas jolly and DS has been impossible to put down since. DSIS was in tears because she had so been looking forward to spending some time with their other DC but baby DS has made it impossible.

Before BILs leave, she had begun to get into a bit of a routine where DS would nap in his cot with white noise playing at predictable times. She says that's gone completely out the window because now DS just wants to be held. She spoke to BIL on the first day of his leave about putting him down and was told that you can't hold a baby too much and that he wanted to bond.

She said she tried again on day 3 and that BIL pretty much said she's cold for not wanting to hold DS. She pointed out that she has the other DC to look after, meals to cook, cleaning to do and so on and that she can't hold DS all the time so it's best to get him used to being put down while he's happy to do so. BIL still refused to listen.

AIBU to think that he's being unfair, and effectively using the baby to get out of doing anything else? DSIS wanted DS in a nap routine ready for her routine to work, which she had been dressing but was happier knowing DS had been self settling a cot recently. Now she feels like she's back to square one and that he's going to be upset so much more than was necessary.

OP posts:

Lookingforadvice123 · 20/12/2017 14:11

When I say self settle, I mean, he doesn’t need to be rocked to sleep - he goes down awake! NOT that he knows how to calm himself down when he’s upset, what baby/toddler knows how to do that?

turquoise88 · 20/12/2017 14:17

Wow, some of the responses on this thread are amazing.

Love how many people live in this whimsical world where we should be holding or wearing our babies all day and night at the expense of anything else.

Thank god there are some of us who live in the real world. You know, where there are other children to care for and housework to be done.

WetsTheVet · 20/12/2017 14:18

You definitely can hold them too much. The multitude of threads on here regarding babies and toddlers that can't sleep or settle without being held prove that.

UrsulaPandress · 20/12/2017 14:23

Fortunatley I only had an only so I was able to hold her as much as she or I wanted.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/12/2017 14:26

Oh you definately hold them too much.

If he going nuts if I'd had my baby in a routine that allowed me to get things done and someone came along and ruined that whilst basically dressing up doing fuck all to help out as being kind to a baby.

Doesn't do the baby any favours at all and alot if the time it's the.mum who ends up in stupud situations of not even being able to pee without the baby crying or having to go to bed at 7 o clock and hold the baby/toddler/preschooler all night too

HateSummer · 20/12/2017 14:28

I’m going to disagree with a lot of people and say, yes a baby can be held too much, I am no Gina Ford enthusiast either. I always held my babies when they cried for feeding or nappy changes, and I co slept with all of them. Dc3 was held too much by me. I’d pick her up even when she was asleep. She lived on my chest when at home. She made car journeys impossible..I’d drive with a screaming baby at the back because she’d want to be held. It was horrible. My other two did nothing like this because I didn’t carry them for no reason.

As for the suggestion your sister should get a sling 😒😒. Why should she break her back looking after 2 children and a baby in sling just because her dh thinks babies can’t be held too much. Fuck that!

haveacupoftea · 20/12/2017 14:28

I didn't have a baby just to let him lie around on his own while I do housework so for the thread title question YABU.

sinceyouask · 20/12/2017 14:31

Yabu, you can't hold a baby too much .

HateSummer · 20/12/2017 14:47

I didn't have a baby just to let him lie around on his own while I do housework

🙄 I didn’t realise you have to neglect your house, previous children and all other responsibilities when you have a baby! And how is a baby lying in the same house a few metres away “on its own”? It’s not like they’re being left out in the jungle whilst you get on with simple chores around the house. Ridiculous.

turquoise88 · 20/12/2017 14:48

This.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 20/12/2017 14:50

Gosh these threads make me feel inadequate sometimes!

When my dcs were babies they lived in a carrycot. Taken out for feed nappy change and playtime say 1.5 hours then back in carrycot to sleep unril next feed =2-3+ hours. Never just sat with baby in arms for hours.
Same at night - fed nappy change straight back into cot. This is 30 years ago.

waitabloodyminute · 20/12/2017 16:27

Goodness, if I carried my baby around all day I would never get anything done. Gonna go against the grain and say that, yes, a baby can be held too much. Mine spends probably 80% of the day in a bouncer, high chair or buggy - he's got no other choice! And for what it's worth he's a happy, smiley little chap

MagicFajita · 20/12/2017 17:15

I'm also shocked at some of these responses...I have a small baby and two other children. I also have a lovely dp , he works rotating shifts.

I challenge anyone to hold a baby all day while doing the bulk of childcare, dinners and nightfeeds (most weeks). If I held him all day I'd be unclean , exhausted and have very hungry children and a shit-heap of a home. And I could hardly hold him one week (while dp is home in the evenings) and not the next (while dp does evening work) could I?

Yes , you can hold a baby too much because it's unfair to give inconsistent care to a baby.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 20/12/2017 17:29

Ds1 we now know has ASD. He hated being held as a baby, except when he had milk. The screaming still haunts me! So yes ( in his opinion,) you can hold a baby too much.

CheshireChat · 20/12/2017 17:34

DS was one of those babies you couldn't put down and napped only on me. We had 0 help and DP worked shifts- I ended up suicidal with PND and I didn't have other children to care for.

She needs to go out and leave him with all the children and a list of things that need doing. Particularly as all of the older ones will be missing 'daddy time's as he's too busy.

Original poster

MardyMarie · 20/12/2017 17:46

She's sent me a message earlier saying she's been sobbing Her DC only broke up from school today and already they've been crying that mummy can't play catch, mummy can't play a board game, mummy can't colour or paint. She said baby has been down for a maximum of two minutes before crying. He won't settle on her like he does on BIL, he just wants her to feed him constantly so it's been really restrictive. BIL is out tonight so DSIS will be stressed cooking tea with a crying baby, whereas before he used to sit in his bouncer happily watching.

OP posts:

oblada · 20/12/2017 17:52

Of course they can't be held too much!! They're babies ffs! Get her a sling! He's probably just going through a growth spurt, he's not get 'bad habit' over a few days of being held, he's a baby!

Spartaca · 20/12/2017 17:53

That won't be just down to him holding him. Babies change, and as they get older they get more aware sometimes, wanting cuddling etc. The other kids do need the baby has needs, and if on day 1 they are already moaning I wouldn't be best pleased. She would do well to get a decent wrap sling for her own sanity and chuck the baby on her back and crack on. It will pass, and get easier.

oblada · 20/12/2017 17:53

Oh God can't type today - 'he's not gotten into a bad habit'

I'd suspect a growth spurt or just being under the weather.
With babies my rule is don't look at yesterday and expect the same today! Babies change so rapidly!

CheshireChat · 20/12/2017 17:54

Sorry, but BIL should stay in even if it's just because his partner is really struggling.

Are you able to help if he's a dick about it? Not that it's your responsibility, but still.

Spartaca · 20/12/2017 17:54

And why can't she play with a baby?

MyBabyIsPerfect · 20/12/2017 18:01

She can’t play catch but she can sit and play a board game or paint one handed when holding him.

stilltheykeepcoming · 20/12/2017 18:03

YANBU. I am completely with you OP. Bonding is great,but he's gone a bit too far IMO. You were in a routine where the baby was perfectly happy being held some of the time and put down at others, and he's gone and buggered that up - leaving you with a Klingon.
Stuff that for a game of soldiers. If I'd had a baby that had to be held 24/7 it would have sent me screaming to the nuthouse.

Original poster

MardyMarie · 20/12/2017 18:05

She can't tidy up from the painting, though, without him screaming. If he's asleep then the siblings wake him, if he's feeding he keeps losing his latch and crying so board games are difficult.

OP posts:

Spartaca · 20/12/2017 18:12

But feeding is irrelevant because she would have to do that anyway. Tbh it sounds like she resents the baby being a baby. He'll grow out of it, and until then do stuff one handed or sling. Babies are babies, her husband doesn't sound unreasonable although he can help and hold!

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