Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you can hold a baby too much?

170 replies

MardyMarie · 19/12/2017 22:20

I was just speaking to my sister. She's fallen out with her DH over their DC3, 4 month old DS. BIL has been on annual leave for the past ten days and has literally done nothing besides hold baby DS all day long. My sister has been running herself ragged doing food shopping, cleaning, buying and wrapping presents in anticipation of guests, as well as everything for their other DC and BIL as he's been incapacitated by holding the baby! Yesterday BIL went on his work Christmas jolly and DS has been impossible to put down since. DSIS was in tears because she had so been looking forward to spending some time with their other DC but baby DS has made it impossible.

Before BILs leave, she had begun to get into a bit of a routine where DS would nap in his cot with white noise playing at predictable times. She says that's gone completely out the window because now DS just wants to be held. She spoke to BIL on the first day of his leave about putting him down and was told that you can't hold a baby too much and that he wanted to bond.

She said she tried again on day 3 and that BIL pretty much said she's cold for not wanting to hold DS. She pointed out that she has the other DC to look after, meals to cook, cleaning to do and so on and that she can't hold DS all the time so it's best to get him used to being put down while he's happy to do so. BIL still refused to listen.

AIBU to think that he's being unfair, and effectively using the baby to get out of doing anything else? DSIS wanted DS in a nap routine ready for her routine to work, which she had been dressing but was happier knowing DS had been self settling a cot recently. Now she feels like she's back to square one and that he's going to be upset so much more than was necessary.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 20/12/2017 18:29

She'd have to feed, then the baby would go in his travel cot for a bit and let her to do other stuff.

Now the baby wants constant feeding as they rarely want just cuddles at that age, they prefer the boob.

Also I couldn't really ever use the sling- I've got sciatica which got 10 times worse and I couldn't fecking reach around DS as I'm short with short arms. So I couldn't wash pots or cook (bloody dangerous anyway) or put things away...

AccrualIntentions · 20/12/2017 18:30

Why is everyone recommending that she get a sling? If he wants to bond with the baby he can get a sling, wear it, and help out with the other children too.

RatRolyPoly · 20/12/2017 18:32

Slings are not the be all and end all. You literally CANNOT manhandle a flailing toddler with a baby strapped to you in a sling. Not in a way that's safe for the baby anyway. I wish people would ease up on the sling thing to be honest.

Spartaca · 20/12/2017 18:35

Well you can, in my experience anyway. I'm recommending them because they have saved my sanity with 3 kids over the last 7 years. I'm assuming others recommending them do so for the same reason.

Babies go through phases, blaming this on the dad is a distraction from the sheer ball ache of it all.

RatRolyPoly · 20/12/2017 18:44

Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest any individual recommending them was in any way out of order, just that in my opinion not all babies have needs which can be satisfied by being in slings and not all families will benefit from them.

I completely agree though that the dh's actions, whilst I completely disapprove of them for his dw's sake, aren't to blame for the change in the baby. More likely just a developmental change, illness or teeth.

PS Perhaps it's just MY feral toddler who's a menace!

MagicFajita · 20/12/2017 18:45

Rat - I agree about slings. They have their place , which is on a busy journey/busy place to keep your baby close and safe. I wouldn't feel comfortable making a stirfry or draining pasta while using one though as it feels dangerous.

I'd also like to add that another reason to not hold your baby day and night is so that they don't fall asleep on you at night. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep with ds on my chest at 3am when he was a newborn , it was just a split second but it scared the crap out of me .I then started putting him down a bit more during the day to help him be less clingy at night and avoid that danger.

kaytee87 · 20/12/2017 18:48

I don't think babies can be held too much but I also think there's nothing wrong with putting a happy baby down to play on a play mat or in a bouncer to get on with other stuff. Why didn't your sister ask her husband for help with all the running around she was doing instead of making it about the baby being held too much?

turquoise88 · 20/12/2017 18:55

her husband doesn't sound unreasonable although he can help and hold!

You don't think sitting on your arse all day and not lifting a finger because you are "holding the baby" is unreasonable? Oh wait, he does put the baby down, when he needs to go out for the evening Hmm.

Spartaca · 20/12/2017 18:57

He isn't unreasonable to think a baby needs to be held. But as I said, he can help while holding...much like most other parents do!

RomansRevenge · 20/12/2017 19:14

My baby spent her first 2 years strapped to my back! Never put her down.

I still think BiL sounds lazy though.

oblada · 20/12/2017 20:00

Magic - I'd cook with baby on me but on my back not on my front LOL. As for sleeping co-sleeping can also work.

Yes the husband does seem to be lazy and needs to do more, holding baby or not. But otherwise OP's sister needs to learn to expect the unexpected with a little one.

Original poster
MardyMarie · 20/12/2017 22:10

She did ask for help kaytee. She wrote a list of all the things that needed doing and told him how overwhelmed she felt. He looked at the list and dismissed all the jobs with "well I would help, but I can't change the beds/iron/clean the floors/make lunch one handed but at least you'll have someone holding DS for you" Hmm

Can we call time on the sling talk? It's irrelevant in this situation any way as her DS will only tolerate it outdoors.

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 20/12/2017 22:36

This might be really out there...but...maybe he held the baby because he's literally got only got 10 days and has to go back to work and just wants to spend as much time bonding with baby as possible?

Shoot me if I'm wrong.

Your sis needs to calm down. When I give birth I'll be expecting my OH to be glued to baby for his 2 weeks as that's all he will get (unpaid too). And we will (try to) establish a general routine if possible. If not, so what. As long as a father gets to make the most of his paternity with his newborn, that's all that matters. Mother can set a routine after.

BertieBotts · 20/12/2017 22:46

I don't think it's his paternity leave though, Buns, it's time he's taken off for Xmas, so a bit different as habits are already established.

Again it's a bit at cross purposes because some people are taking the title literally and discussing whether it's right/wrong/okay to hold a baby/expect a baby not to be held 24/7 etc and some are actually addressing the question which is really nothing to do with that - bit typical AIBU really! Oh well.

He's not really being helpful and I don't think he's being clueless either - it doesn't take a genius to note that "I'll hold DS for you!" doesn't help if she didn't need somebody to hold the baby in the first place.

It doesn't sound like he has the kind of job which is taking him totally out of family life for weeks on end, presumably he comes home in the evenings and at weekends, so to say that he needs all of the time during these 10 days is a bit unfair and not really accurate. If he was army/navy/oil rig etc then fair enough and he'd have a pass for not being aware of the baby's usual day to day routine as well.

They should be working together as a team and addressing what needs doing and what is sensible together. He ought to be aware of the baby's routine and of his wife's anxiety about getting back to work and her reassurance from that routine and be sensitive to it.

I honestly don't think this is particularly difficult or much to expect, and it's a bit sad that he doesn't see it really. Instead he's made it all about him but somehow turned it around in order to make other people think that he's doing a favour for her, which is really seriously not on TBH.

AccrualIntentions · 20/12/2017 23:00

@BunsOfAnarchy But this baby is 4 months old...

HateSummer · 20/12/2017 23:39

My baby spent her first 2 years strapped to my back! Never put her down.

Ffs.

If I’d carried my baby on my back for the first 2 years my pelvis and hip joints would have eroded into dust. I’m 4 years postpartum and I still get spd flare ups. My 15 month old OTHER baby wouldn’t have had a look in for a cuddle if I’d carried dc3 everywhere!
Stop giving the stupid sling advice. It doesn’t work for everyone and it certainly doesn’t work for someone who has younger children who still require lifting and hugging.

noeffingidea · 21/12/2017 00:14

My baby spent her first 2 years strapped to my back! Never put her down
So how did she learn to sit unaided? Crawl? Walk? Handle toys? Face to face communication?
Of course babies need to be held sometimes but there's lots of other things they need to be doing as well.

noeffingidea · 21/12/2017 00:28

She would do well to get a decent wrap sling for her own sanity , and chuck the baby on her back, and crack on
She doesn't want to wear a sling and carry the baby around all day. Why the fuck should she? She had already developed a routine that suited her (the primary carer) and the baby until her husband cocked it all up for her

RomansRevenge · 21/12/2017 00:56

So how did she learn to sit unaided? Crawl? Walk? Handle toys? Face to face communication?
Of course babies need to be held sometimes but there's lots of other things they need to be doing as well

Sorry I forgot everyone on MN is incredibly literal. Yes, she literally spent the entire 2 years strapped to my back. 24 hours a day. I never saw her face. She’s 3 now and still can’t walk.

noeffingidea · 21/12/2017 01:14

Romans revenge well those were your words. You said 'never put her down'. Why say it if you didn't mean it?

RomansRevenge · 21/12/2017 01:33

It’s called a figure of speech. Jesus. Use your brain.

noeffingidea · 21/12/2017 02:35

Romans revenge I do use my brain. People generally use emoticons to indicate if they are joking or not being literal in any way.I didn't notice any in your post so assumed you actually meant what you said.

Foobarjar · 21/12/2017 02:49

Feel for dad as he was obviously enjoying it and doesn't get to do it.

BUT, he should have 1) helped at home. 2) if a routine was just established he's a fucker to have knowingly ruined it.

Babies can't be held too much if you have all the time in the world until they are 5 or 6. They are happy not being held 24/7 if they are used to a routine and swaddled.

I'd have been angry too.

pallisers · 21/12/2017 02:58

It’s called a figure of speech. Jesus. Use your brain.

On a thread about whether you can hold a baby too much you responded that you Never put her down! maybe you should use your brain to be clearer in conveying your thoughts - which presumably now that you've somewhat clarified, were your child spent a lot of time on your back but not all - loads of time not on your back too. So even you thought that you can hold a baby too much.

kaytee87 · 21/12/2017 02:59

She did ask for help kaytee. She wrote a list of all the things that needed doing and told him how overwhelmed she felt. He looked at the list and dismissed all the jobs with "well I would help, but I can't change the beds/iron/clean the floors/make lunch one handed but at least you'll have someone holding DS for you"

Well he's a knob then and that has nothing to do with whether a baby can be held too much or not.