to think you can hold a baby too much?

[MardyMarie]

I was just speaking to my sister. She's fallen out with her DH over their DC3, 4 month old DS. BIL has been on annual leave for the past ten days and has literally done nothing besides hold baby DS all day long. My sister has been running herself ragged doing food shopping, cleaning, buying and wrapping presents in anticipation of guests, as well as everything for their other DC and BIL as he's been incapacitated by holding the baby! Yesterday BIL went on his work Christmas jolly and DS has been impossible to put down since. DSIS was in tears because she had so been looking forward to spending some time with their other DC but baby DS has made it impossible.

Before BILs leave, she had begun to get into a bit of a routine where DS would nap in his cot with white noise playing at predictable times. She says that's gone completely out the window because now DS just wants to be held. She spoke to BIL on the first day of his leave about putting him down and was told that you can't hold a baby too much and that he wanted to bond.

She said she tried again on day 3 and that BIL pretty much said she's cold for not wanting to hold DS. She pointed out that she has the other DC to look after, meals to cook, cleaning to do and so on and that she can't hold DS all the time so it's best to get him used to being put down while he's happy to do so. BIL still refused to listen.

AIBU to think that he's being unfair, and effectively using the baby to get out of doing anything else? DSIS wanted DS in a nap routine ready for her routine to work, which she had been dressing but was happier knowing DS had been self settling a cot recently. Now she feels like she's back to square one and that he's going to be upset so much more than was necessary.

Four months is a game changer so likely it would have happened anyway. I held Ds a lot and at 11 months he's not reliant on it.

However he really should be helping about the house

Could NOT disagree more! Babies CANNOT be held too much. Its wonderful for them to be held, its so good for their development. If she wants to get other things done then can put baby in a sling, he will like that just as much. Her husband sounds like a great parent!

Also, recent studies have shown that a baby's brain is not developed enough to be able to (healthily) self-soothe - and isn't until the child is 3 years old. Attempting to force a child to self-soothe before 3 years old will have some kind of negative effect physiological on the child. This is according to medical professionals. Its sad and worrying that the outdated, old fashioned and cruel idea of trying to 'train' tiny babies to self-soothe is still going on!

I have a 6 month old and 2 other kids. I hold the baby a lot. And she's currently fast asleep next to me in bed while my husband is on the sofa. She will occasionally sleep in her crib for a couple of hours but only if put into it already fast asleep. She just wants to be with me all the time. I read my older kids a bedtime story and tuck them in whilst holding her. I'm often holding her whilst getting their tea ready, though to be fair she is getting better at amusing herself in her Jumparoo or on her play mat for a while so I sometimes have my hands free now to sort out school uniform etc.

I've never had the issue of her dad holding her non stop for ten days because she usually cries for me when she's with her dad! So I'm the one holding the baby while he does the washing up etc.

If she has really not held her baby as much in 4 months as he has in 10 days then I'd say she has a problem with her partner expecting her to do too much for the family and he needs to step up and help out more.

Sigh, I wish I had a 4 month old to hold again...if she really is more interested in fussing around worrying about guests than holding her baby, sounds like she has her priorities wrong. If I was working full-time with a 4 mo, I would just want to hold him/her when I'm off too.

They just need to talk to each other.

I agree the title has confused the issue because the problem isn't the baby, the problem is the lack of communication and not sharing jobs properly.

FWIW I would defo have held mine even if he was happy to be put down, it was very important to me. It's not always a necessity thing.

Her husband sounds like a great parent! yeah he basically ignored his partner and two kids for 10 da and didn't lift a finger around the house which would have given them some actual family time

Babies need your physical attention and older kids need your mental attention.

If hes sitting with the baby then hes available to listen/chat to the older kids and meet their emotional needs.

If she wants to get the baby down so she can go into full blown hyacinth bucket mode over her guests, then shes not exactly prioritising the older ones either!

Babies need your physical attention and older kids need your mental attention depends how older the older kids are. The middle one may be 2. Still in nappies. Still possibly needing some help at meal times. Still needing to be played with and cuddled too. Instead Daddy is incapacitated so he can't possibly fetch the 2 yo a drink whilst she's making lunch for everyone, liatenong to the 5 year old whitter one, prep for the guests visiting the whole family, cleaning and tidying.

Lots of people saying she now needs a sling so baby never has to be put down - perhaps someone should have got Daddy one then he could have participated in his family. Abd my baby was held alot- he still is at 2.5 years so this isn't a put the baby in a corner and let him cio attitude. Its a what about the rest of the family attitude. Sounds like Mom is struggling to do it all and he isn't bothered about genuinely helping.

Still curious to know if he had paternity leave / during weekends what he's doing as he needs 10 solid days of holding the baby in order to bond

Sounds like your sister’s doing too much. She should stop doing the bulk of the food shopping - let her husband pick this up. He should also be doing more around the house on his days off - a whole 10 day holiday spent holding a baby suggests he’s a lazy fucker.

I have to say I completely agree with your sister. Maybe it's just my particular dc but it affected us alot in the long run. My ds for almost a year just wanted to be held whilst he was doing everything. He refused to play on his own and wanted to be held while he played.

lucylululu do you have a link to those studies? I am yet to find anything which actually links sleep training to long term psychological damage.

And supporting a baby to sleep independently does not mean cry it out.

I’m inclined to sort of agree with the OP. I don’t think babies can be held too much, but if she had started to get into a routine which was working for the baby and the rest of the family, I can see it would be very frustrating to have that turned on it’s head.

She has a sling but you can't change bunk beds, play rough and tumble games, scrub the floor ect with baby in a sling. They are guests from his family; she can't just not provide beds for them. He's been holding the baby for around 12 hours straight (while sitting down on his phone or watching t.v. half the time) then hands him back once my sister has put the older ones to bed so she can be up with him all night.

The baby is 4 months, not 4 weeks! Of course she should be trying to be in some sort of routine. All the mums of big families will tell you, routine is key! I’d tell her to just try and relax over Christmas as it will likely all go to pot anyway and get back to her routine in the new year. Oh and tell the father to pull his socks up and stop being lazy!

No - when he was little my DS slept best being held by anyone - warm body/heartbeat. At 17 months he now sleeps very well alone in his own cot/room. He loves cuddles but is independent and prefers to walk unless poorly/tired

I don't think I've come across a granny who hasn't at some point said to her dd/ddil, 'Put that baby down.' Whole generations have grown up without suffering life-long trauma, sleeping in their cribs not their mother's arms. Imv, it's the best thing you can do for your baby in the early weeks to get them used to some sort of routine and sleeping comfortably in a crib, cot, or pram. And I say that as a mother who breast fed and had colicky babies.

Sling wearing seems to have become some sort of religion. (And I don't want to start a war on this thread.) But I'm with Op's sister on this, especially as the 4 month old baby will be going to a nursery/childminder soon when his mother returns to work.

Whole generations have grown up without suffering life-long trauma,
Yeahhh society it just peachy and well adjusted right now

Sling wearing seems to have become some sort of religion. Only on mumsnet, IME. I've never come across a single person in real life who carried their baby around in a sling during the day, or held them for hours on end. It's a very rare event to even see a sling being used outdoors.

Haha, love the blanket rules for ALL babies. My 4 month old absolutely CAN be held too much, and will roundly tell you to fuck off when she's had enough. And yeah, her dad has been known to totally mess up her sleep with holding her too; if she starts to get agitated through tiredness you're better off putting her down and she will fuss a bit before falling asleep. If you insist on holding onto her in a misguided attempt to settle her the stimulation will keep her awake and before you know it you'll have a screaming, overtired baby on your hands who really CAN'T be put down!

Ginger

'Society...just peachy and well-adjusted now'

I can think of lots of reasons for that, and none of them would be solved by frazzled mums lugging their fretful babies around in a sling while trying to do the housework.

RatPolyPoly - Spot on.

YABU. You can't hold a baby too much. Good on the dad for wanting to hold the baby, your SIL sounds more interested in doing everything but.

Also - four month sleep regression.

You caaaaaan hold some babies too much - most babies, probably - I don't know, I haven't met them all. Babies aren't some humogenous group that conform to such simple instructions as "cannot be held too much". They're people for heaven's sake!

That infernal phrase is a useful defence for the mum who genuinely believes her baby needs holding - in which case yeah, there is no "too much". But if you ignore a baby's "get off me" or "I'm tired, put me somewhere boring" cues because you're determined every little peep they make means "I want ANOTHER cuddle" you'll quickly come unstuck! ...and wonder what the hell's wrong with the baby.

*HOMOGENOUS - whoops.

Sitting on the sofa for 12 hours straight holding a four month old while his wife cares for older children and prepares for Christmas then once it's night handing baby back to wife? Yes I think that's unreasonable!

Babies absolutely can't be held too much and I held DS loads as a baby. When outside he was in his sling and inside i sat on the sofa and watched Netflix with him in my arms. All naps were taken on my chest at that age. However DS is my only child and we had a cleaner and so I could spend most of the day holding my baby. This is not the case in this situation. When did he spend time with his older children or do they no longer matter?

Also at four months DS loved spending some time on his playmate and he was just starting to reach out to grab the dangly bits so I do think some time out of arms is a good thing by this point.

Wow, just wow. This thread.

OP YANBU and neither is your DSIS. At 4 months old my son was in a (bedtime) routine, bath/bottle/bed. He’s slept 11-12 hours a night since and still does at the age of 2. He send settles but not once as he ever been left to cry - guess what, he’s happy going in his cot at night, because he feels secure. His latest nursery report says he is a “happy, kind, loving little boy, who is a pleasure to be around.” This is absolutely reflected at home.

Must be all those times I put him in his bouncer or on his play mat at 4 months old, instead of holding him all the live long day.