Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

Roulette - i have no intention of taking/picking up my teens to/from parties! grin They can make their own way just like i had to

That is completely impossible living where we live! It would mean walking anything between 3 and 5 miles on country roads without pavements!

Oh no sorry I totally agree with you lash. It’s odd of both of them.

My dh would love to move rurally but because I hate driving (and have no intention of being a taxi service to 3 teens) I say no.

That’s why I’d never live there Roussette. I’m sure it’s very pretty, but practically it sounds very difficult.

YANBU. DH couldn't drive when we met. I gave him the shove and push, and now he can. He's still not a good driver and don't like to go on motorways. He also can barely park. I was so proud he managed to take me to the hospital for labour. And then because we went into NICU, he drove everyday to the hospital. He wouldn't be able to do it without driving. And now he's sharing the ferrying to various activities with me. He readily admits it was one of the best things he's done. He learned in his mid 30s too.

I think he's got a fear of it and is procrastinating. I don't know how you can convince him to actually take the lessons.

Maybe he just doesn’t want to? I’m the same, I’ve been saying I’ll do it for years (and it would make so much sense as I get stuck in the house a lot) but I just don’t want to!

I think I’d be a dreadful driver and lack confidence. Not everyone is cut out for it.

Also, screaming at him isn’t on and is probably making him dig his heels in more.

MrsKoala but there's millions of places like this! My lot went to the local secondary, an excellent v large state school and the catchment in the county is from villages all like me. That's a 1,600 pupil school and no town with public transport to speak of. It's not unusual in very many parts of the country, loads of areas have little public transport that you could rely on to get round. That's why all my lot learned to drive at 17!

No one needs to drive.
I find your post absolutely mental.
Why would he be embarrassed not driving you to the hospital? Is it only real men who drive their partners to the hospital? What if he knew how to drive but was unable to when you go into labour? (Alcohol, migraine, injury etc) would be still be an embarrassment?

Why don't you offer to put him on the insurance and let him practice with you in the car? More inconspicuous than a driving school car.
I hate driving, even now. So I don't

You're being controlling and almost bullying him.

Badgering him through Whatsapp and frequently pestering him to learn to drive would put anyone off. He obviously doesn't want to learn at the moment. Let him decide when he wants to do it/if he ever wants to do it. Many people have extreme anxiety about driving and he may not be telling you this. You entered into a relationship with him as a non-driver and now you're trying to force him to drive.

Do not buy him lessons without asking him first. Gifts are supposed to be something that the other person wants/would like. Do not be selfish and possibly ruin his Christmas.

I don’t understand why people have such an issue with non drivers. If anyone hassled me to drive they could fuck off and drive themselves away.
This.

I think just about everyone when they first start driving goes through a stage of 'this is literally impossible, it requires me to do too many things at once, I will never be able to do this'. If he's had one lesson I guess he's probably right at that point. The thing is, though, that everyone has that - but almost everyone can go on to pass a test eventually. I agree that he sounds like he has a real block about it. I suspect guilt might be more effective here than coercion - stop hiding how much it inconveniences you, and let him feel bad about the burden it puts on you. It sounds like at the moment not driving is much easier because the only price he pays for it is you getting arsey about it every now and again. Let him bear the inconvenience and stop running around after him and the calculation might look a bit different.

You changed plans so you could pick him up? Why couldn't he have got a taxi instead of waiting for a bus?

And taking over all the xmas gift shopping? Does he do anything for himself?

What will happen when you have baby though, will he still be expecting the lifts to and from work then? No way on earth I would do this.

How would he manage if you split up? He would HAVE to manage but atm he has you to run around after him.

p.s Must add that the secondary school does lay on school buses!

genever it's a totally different way of life and thank goodness not everything revolves round London. My DH's job was in a different part of the country and he had to drive to be able to work!

@Rousette there are millions of places like where you live, and millions of other places which are accessible with public teanspirt, activities, schools & amenities fit non-drivers. You choose where to live accordingly!

I’m sure there are Rousette. Lots near my town in Kent. I still wouldn’t live there. Especially not if I was a non driver. When we pass them dh says oooh look, how lovely. And all I can see is me dredging about in the car ferrying kids about and not being able to pop out for dinner and drinks because we couldn’t get home. It just looks like a crappy way to live for me.

Of course if you want to do it then great. But imagine choosing to live there with a partner who couldn’t drive?

I’d be insisting they drive before we moved. What about when you have a bad feeding night with your baby? Like fuck would I be dragging my carcass out of bed to give lifts.

I’d be telling him as of x date no more lifts to work. Let him sort himself out.

public teanspirt = public transport

Not sure what teanspirt is but it sounds ... unhealthy

Everyone I know here in the U.S. age 16 and up drive, but I know lots of people in the UK that don’t drive.

My aunt, nieces and nephews never learned to drive and relied on my uncle to cart them around. He’s in his mid-80’s now, having health problems and can’t drive . Needless to say my aunt's life has become rather difficult having to catch the bus or walk everywhere, and they have lots of doctor/hospital appointments. I would keep at him to learn.

I think what a lot of non-drivers don't realise is that it's about sharing the load. Otherwise it's one person responsible for shopping, visiting friends and family, taking kids to activities, taking people to doctors and dentists etc. It's not fair to expect one person to do it all if there's no good reason why the other one can't learn.

MrsKoala truth is, I don’t enjoy driving that much sometimes but I do it because it’s necessary where I live thus it’s part of my responsibility as an adult. The trade off is I don’t have to live in a bigger city which I would enjoy even less .

eggandchips, op has an issue with her non-driver dh because he expects and demands that she drive him to work, to the shops, to his social get togethers, everywhere while he keeps saying he’s going to learn any day now. Can you see where that is frustrating and is an issue? We are advising her to stop being his chauffeur. It is easy for us to say and harder when you’re the one in the middle of a difficult situation.

MrsK I agree I think! Because I wouldn't be married to anyone who couldn't drive and although it might sound pretty abhorrent to those that live in London, it is just a different way of life with a lot of advantages!

genever again, I agree, sort of, but we can't all live in big cities with good transport links, so vive la difference!

As I said before, who knows what life throws up and to me it is a necessary skill if your health allows it.

sticking up for those that don't live in the epicentre of the universe like london

Lashalicious the OP should be encouraging her husband to become more independent, i.e. take public transport more. She doesn't need to be screaming at him and pestering him everyday to learn to drive.

If it is age that is bothering him - 35 is not old at all to be learning. I passed my test in October at the age of 57 (I had an abusive husband who wouldn't let me learn, first thing I did when I divorced him was get lessons) OK it took me five attempts to pass, but I didn't have anyone who could take me out to practice in between lessons, which wouldn't be the case for your DH.
I can only assume he is nervous or thinks he won't be good at it and wil make mistakes. But that is the case for everyone - you get better the more you drive (as obviously you know). Could he at least get his theory test booked and pass that ?

genever that's brilliant and your public transport must be great.* I grew up somewhere where we had two busts a day so I learnt as quickly as I could. I moved to a city and lived with a partner who expected me to ferry us absolutely everywhere despite transport being great. My view is probably somewhat clouded by that as it sounds v similar to OP's situation.*