Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

My husband can drive but we don't have a car, we would get almost no use out of it

The problem with statements like this is that as you don't have a car, you have no idea what your life might be like with one. You've never got into the car on a Saturday morning and driven out into the countryside to a little pub for lunch. Or taken yourselves off to the beach for the day just because. Or any number of other things - people who manage fine on public transport adjust their life to account for that and it just doesn't ever occur to them to do things which aren't accessible by bus, train or underground.

Genever - if you had a car you would get use out of it because you would do different things.

Fucking hell.
Bold fail. Autocorrect fail. Buses, obvs.

if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

Why? When dc1 and dc2 arrived we didn't even have a car. Most people in our area did have cars, but we didn't for various reasons.
With dc1 we went to hospital by bus, with dc2 we were prepared to, but met someone on the way and they offered a lift.
With dc3 we had had a car for about 18 months (dh could drive from passing his test at 17) and I passed my test less than a week previously.
Neither of us felt gutted and humiliated by someone else driving us in and neither did we feel triumphant that we got in by ourselves the third time.

dickie I agree with your post that it's about sharing the load. There will be times when you visit rellies, or take the car somewhere because there is no other option

YANBU. He should be a little more responsible.

Dickie - my dh has never done the shopping, or taken anyone to drs/dentist or any activity. I walk everywhere. It would take longer to get everyone in the car and find a parking space than it takes to walk. Again, I have chosen this location for that reason.

We lived in MK once and as a non driver it was utterly miserable. Never again.

Because I wouldn't be married to anyone who couldn't drive and although it might sound pretty abhorrent to those that live in London, it is just a different way of life with a lot of advantages!

I'm a born and bred Londoner, still living here and I love driving. My oh drives too. I wouldn't be with a man who couldn't drive. Even in London, I definitely need my car.

OP, I’m in exactly the same position except our children are now 8 and 4 and he still hasn’t bothered. It’s become a massive bone of contention in our marriage and I get more resentful as the kids get older. My daughter has clubs she wants to go to but as I work full time and have a long commute, we have to rely on my parents to take her. It drives me NUTS. He isn’t embaresssd by this reliance on my parents into our 40s but I bloody am!

It would take the pressure off me so much if he would learn but he stubbornly refuses to. He’ll tell me that he’ll do it but then doesn’t. I given up now but as I said, I’m very resentful of it and I do get angry. It limits us as a family.

it really doesn't apply in London or other big cities

I'd argue that driving is always a useful life skill even if you live somewhere where you very rarely use it. I went on quite an annoying holiday where we were staying in rural France and so driving was a necessity, but it turned out (after booking!) only three of the ten of us could drive, meaning we had to drive the whole holiday - to be honest all the airy 'Oh but none us need to drive living in London' as they knocked back the wine was a bit infuriating!

Learning to drive is expensive, and so I completely understand that for many people it's a luxury too far. I do judge parents of teenagers who could easily afford it who don't encourage/facilitate their teens learning to drive - yes, even in central London - it's a life skill that's much more easily picked up then than later, why wouldn't you give it to them if it's no financial hardship for you?

k2p2k2tog
Agree. Even though we have to drive where we live, even if we didn't, we're often going to obscure places that we just would not be able to go to without a car. A National Trust property, a beach, a funny little pub in a rural area, a relative that lives in the middle of nowhere... the list is endless

I have skimmed through a couple of pages saying YABU- but i totally understand. It totally happened as you fear, taxi to hospital, c section, had to get my elderly dad to drive me home, no driving for weeks for me, so we were stuck in a tiny house with v limited public transport. Plus I was very sick, so didn’t really want to trek a mile to the train to get to somewhere I didn’t want to go just to get out of the house. People having to give us lifts and do us favours. Few years on, all responsibility for driving is mine, lifts for kids, school runs, birthday parties, errands, groceries that can’t be delivered, driving to holidays etc. He even has a license from a diff country, just had to resit test in uk. Breeds such resentment, we live somewhere where you have to drive, where everyone drives, but not him!

He doesn't want to learn to drive, you'll just have to accept it.
Maybe he's booked his test, maybe it's bollocks.
Driving isn't for everyone.

Yes the resentment is phenomenal I must say! So selfish!

We take ourselves off to the beach just because 😂 Half an hour on the train from Bristol Temple Meads. About a tenner with a family and friends railcard, no worries about parking, traffic, petrol, tax, MOT, insurance, parking permits, fixing up problems, AA membership...

I think sometimes we get more freedom without a car than those who are tied to one.

Book him a weeks intensive course (or a voucher for a weeks intensive course for xmas)

www.oneweekintensivedriving.com/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2Ja2-s-W2AIVLZPtCh0AbAD8EAAYAyAAEgJW6PD_BwE

It's all well and good saying that parents should facilitate driving but there's no guarantee they want to/could do it any way.

I was given 20 hours of lessons and a provisional for my 21st (my mum couldn't afford it before that and I had no interest any way).

I did my lessons and didn't want to continue because I was shit at it, my provisional has just expired and although life would be easier if I could drive i just can't ever see myself being able to do it.

I think the difference between responses here are people who don't drive but have chosen a suitable place to live because of that and therefore don't need to rely on anyone to get anywhere, and those who are in a relationship where only one person drives, and either are relied on to drive everywhere or are the person who relies on someone to drive them everywhere.

OP is in the latter camp and I don't think it's remotely unreasonable for her to ask her DH to pick up that responsibility with a new baby on the way.

Mine does have a license - he was a good driver, but lost his confidence after a major, non-fault accident about 10 years ago. I do understand that he doesn’t feel comfortable on motorways after that experience, but it infuriates me that he won’t even try a few refresher lessons to enable him to occasionally share responsibility for taking our teenagers on local journeys here, there and everywhere. It takes so much out of my day, driving them around and there are times when either me or they can’t go out when we want to, because there is no one else to drive them - but he won’t even discuss it.

I don't drive. Most of my friends don't drive (some can but don't, others have never been interested in learning.) It's fine not to drive. The world would be a better place if more people refused to drive and stopped owning cars, end of.
Unfortunately, the majority of mundanes are still fixated on the idea that driving a car is a compulsory life skill, and OP's DP is probably one of those people who is either a bit scared of the idea of driving a car, or has tried it and realised it's a skill he will struggle with but he's surrounded by mundanes who worship car ownership and is therefore too embarrassed to say he'd rather not do it.

What's a mundane? How rude!

Book him a weeks intensive course (or a voucher for a weeks intensive course for xmas)

Are you into giving presents that people blatantly don't want?

I can't drive for medical reasons. If I want to go to the seaside I'll get on the train. If I want to go to the countryside then I'll get on the bus and then I'll use my legs and walk. When I needed to go to hospital in an emergency I got a taxi. In fact doing all these things by taxi would be cheaper than running a barely used car!

Does he need a reward chart, perhaps?

Encourage him along a little?

Unfortunately, the majority of mundanes are still fixated on the idea that driving a car is a compulsory life skill

Mundanes? Quick tip for the future: if you're not actually a sulky 17 year old then I wouldn't refer to other people like this, because it makes you sound like one.