Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

Get him one of those learn in 5 day courses for Christmas?

Thats great, lets hope he sees it through this time.

I'm most definitely of the school of thought that driving is one of those essential life skills which everyone should do, unless they never leave central London, or are rich enough to have a chauffeur on call 24/7.

Assuming that neither applies in OP's situation, I'd be booking the lessons for Christmas and saying that with a baby on the way, the OP's husband just has to bloody well get on with it.

I can't imagine ever being in a relationship with someone who actively chose not to drive though, barring medical reasons.

Making you feel bad about “dumping a load of emotional texts on him” is a nasty, passive aggressive thing to do.

So are some of the solutions on here tbh.

Is he maybe just a tight arse who thinks the lessons are too expensive?

What are your feelings about him being able to do the test in January with no lessons OP? Has he displayed any previous aptitude for knowing how cars work, has he got great road sense etc. Did he maybe do lots of driving practice when younger -with parents or something - because that's the only way I can see him passing. Took me about a year to get it TBH.

My dad doesn't drive. He comes from London and tbh I doubt there was enough money in his family for him to have learned.

My mum does (and learned at 17). I have heard that shortly after they got married my dad got a provisional licence and tried driving but I am presuming it was a resounding failure .

He walked to work when it was near enough and then got the bus (although as he taught at the school I and then my sister went to, he was allowed to come home in the car).

My mum therefore did all the driving. I think she liked it when I passed my test and we could share driving but I don't think trying to pressurise my dad into driving would have worked. And when my mum broke her wrist they got the bus, or had food delivered

I am glad I learned at 17 and will be encouraging DS and DD to do the same as I can imagine I would have got scared of trying if I had waited longer.

Some of the things people are saying here are a bit harsh imo but I have always been with people who can drive and so maybe I don't get it.

But having a parent who didn't drive didn't seem to be too much of a problem in our family.

Mrs. Koala, the op is not the odd one. She presumably didn’t “choose” to make a non-driver’s life miserable but he sure is making hers a misery. It is not a small thing to have to drive a grown person everywhere, to work, to every single place. If he is anxious, that is different. But he is presenting himself as not anxious, but selfish who keeps dismissing op’s valid concern. Why should she have to do all the driving? It was his decision too to live where he is, you are phrasing your argument deceptively.

do you do this much for him in any other respect tea? I can't believe you've put up with it for so long. My DH used to go nuts about taking me to the supermarket once a month or so - pretty much anywhere he drove that he didn't want to go to, and fair enough really.

Butteredparsn1ps Tue 19-Dec-17 15:39:33

What about in 5 / 10 / 15 years when your D (s) need ferrying to after school clubs, parties, sports events?

That does depend where you live. DH is the one who drives, I don't, yet I'm the one who does the ferrying to clubs and activities. We go to local ones we can walk too, the further away ones we bus.

I don't think you are being unreasonable though I think it's less important with regard to you being in labour and more important re the long term care of your family. Once your baby is born and begins to grow up there will be a multitude of reasons why public transport is not always ideal, depending on where you live...and times where you may not be around to drive and he needs to do something in double quick time with your child, whether that is activities or trips, or at worst emergency runs to the hospital. I would hate this to be only my responsibility. And I would hate it if DP didn't manage to do other domestic things purely because it took him twice as long to get anywhere because he couldn't drive. I would also find it irritating that he was the only one that could always drink on a night out because I was always the one allocated with driving...

Argh. Stick to your guns OP. I think he's embarrassed too. Non drivers also often don't realise that even for people who actually quite like driving, it can be tiring and a pest at times. I've done plenty of "lift shares" with non-drivers who sleep/play on their phone the entire way without considering that I could do with a bit of chat/stimulation on the bloody M6, then coo "oh you're sooo lucky you're such a confident driver". Interestingly it's never the ones who can't drive due to health issues who do this - they're usually very appreciative.

Out of interest, how do your finances work? If you have separate accounts, do you end up paying for all the petrol or does he sometimes at least fill it up?

Similar happened to friends of mine. He was from London and simply couldn't see what all the fuss was about, they moved to our city and he appeased her by insisting that he actually could drive, just hadn't owned a car, and it would all be fine. He clearly thought that city public transport was the same all over the UK and it wouldn't become an issue, until they moved 15 minutes outside the centre and suddenly were stranded without a car after 6pm. It also turned out that by "It's OK I can drive" he meant he had some lessons while at school for a year in the USA that were in no way comparable to actual driving. (cones around a car park in an automatic!)

She put up with being his taxi for about a year then simply stopped. She was sent up to Aberdeen for a conference, took the car and stayed for a week. Within a fortnight of her return he'd booked lessons! I think you should do what a PP suggested, stuck the car in the garage and "practice" what you'll do without a driver.

Erm this test your DH has book for the end of Jan. What vehicle did he book to do it in?

Not an instructors car if he hasn't found one yet. Has he booked it in your car then OP? Is he insured?

I'm sorry, but if he is lying to you that's not good.

I feel really sorry for you OP, you're shouldering a lot of responsibility in your marriage and after this baby has arrived, his needs are going to have to take a back seat - literally. You would be insane to run him around when you have a young baby, and more fool you if you choose to.

I'd really struggle to be with a man who couldn't drive in honesty. In fact, I wouldn't be.

I had this, my OH wouldn't learn to drive and I told him we couldn't get married until he did it. He started lessons after that. Being the only driver is exhausting.

Only on mumsnet will you read that not learning to drive = lazy. I don't drive and neither did my dad and we manage/d perfectly well on the buses.

I did try and I was rubbish - probably safer for everyone that I didn't learn tbh.

He doesn't need to drive.he has you driving for him....you need to become unavailable

I just think it's odd to move somewhere rural and then complain about driving. I personally wouldn't do it. I wouldn't be driving him to work either. I am not being deceptive - that's a peculiar thing to say.

Well, good luck to your DH if he really bothers to learn with a proper driving school. I wonder if there's a huge fear of failure and 'looking silly' if he fails - after all, men are supposed to be excellent at these things aren't they? (without putting too much effort into it) The longer you leave it the longer it can take, especially if you're not mechanically minded.

I didn't learn until my mid-50s. It was the best thing I ever did.

I'm a bit reluctant and nervous to drive and I have been a bit procrastinaty about it in the past. Currently I've stopped having lessons due to genuine cost issues, but just being forced to start did help me.

Perhaps he feels extra nervous about the idea of driving you into hospital in labour or driving a newborn around? I would basically pin him down and make him tell you what his actual plan is though and/or explain about feeling let down if you have to get someone else to drive you in labour BECAUSE he was too nervous/lazy to book things - while reassuring him that of course if he still hasn't passed or he's a new driver and feels too nervous to drive IN THAT SITUATION that you would be perfectly happy to get a taxi - at least he'd be trying. It's the fact he's not actually trying now that's bothering you, I think?

I have mixed feelings about this It is useful to be able to drive. I wouldn't describe it as an essential skill because people get by without it, especially for medical reasons.

There have been times - strong medication - that I've been unable to drive. I also learned in my mid-twenties which is apparently late according to this thread I did have another mode of transport so perhaps a bit of road sense made the lessons easier when I did take them (I used to get around on a moped).

However - the DH here has never driven and tbh, appears to have not that much interest in learning. Yes, it would be useful if he did. It would seem that there is something other than procrastination stopping him - possible job loss for a start if he's lied on his application! Nothing the OP has said leads me to think that he will be 'gutted and humiliated' if someone else drives them both to the hospital for the birth - the OP might be, but I doubt he will!

I know it's not what you want to hear OP, but you'll have to leave him to it - you can't force him to drive.

To clarify I don't think it's lazy not to drive but it is a bit lazy to promise you'll do something and then put it off forever!

I think it’s odd for someone who won’t drive to move somewhere that requires driving. See how that works? And no, it’s not peculiar to point out how you phrased your comment earlier; it’s not op’s fault that dh refuses to do something that is crucial to day to day living where he has decided to live. I don’t think he was clapped in chains and moved in a crate to a driving only town. He does not have a good excuse at all. If he is anxious, he has had plenty of time to communicate that fear to op but instead he’s playing this game of acting like he’s going to start any day now and then huffing when he is asked when is he ever going to do it.

My husband witheld his sperm until I learned to drive. Once I had a test date he relented and luckily I passed as I got pregnant very quickly.

It's the best thing I did. Not helpful I understand, just sharing.

I passed my test in 2002 and then didn’t drive because it makes my OCD flare up. It’s never stopped me doing anything and I never ask anyone for lifts. We even go camping with all the equipment on a train. It hasn’t stopped my taking chilsren to their various activities. It actually hasn’t stopped me doing anything. It’s called public transport and initiative.

I’m a single parent. Managed to get myself to hospital when labour started.

I don’t understand why people have such an issue with non drivers. If anyone hassled me to drive they could fuck off and drive themselves away.