Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

He called and said that apparently he has booked a test for the end of Jan, but hasn't actually booked any lessons yet

Sorry, but this is bonkers if he has only had one lesson. A driving instructor will tell you when you are ready to book your test. Booking one without much experience is just setting himself up for failure.
Also if he does fail, I assume he will then be unwilling to take more lessons and book another test?

Unless you live in a big city with excellent transport links then learning to drive is a must.

Public transport in the vast majority of the country is only going to get worse. Also you may "manage" without a car now, but in the years to come? When you need to visit elderly relatives, when each child has a different club at the same time in opposite directions, when the promotion at work depends on you moving.....

People who don't drive are a pain in the arse, from experience they expect to be ferried everywhere or have everyone else fit around their transport problems.

I don't blame you for being exasperated!

When I was dating before I married I met someone who didn't drive, even on the first couple of dates he was expecting me to pick him up from the station in my car and it annoyed me then. His reason was 'I don't want to, I could, but I don't want to'. The relationship didn't blossom.

The thing is, your DH has been stringing you along. If he was upfront and needed help because of nerves or he had a physical disability, it might be different but he has been promising to, and he's not delivered.

Absolutely fine if you decide you don't want to, but don't expect others to pick up the slack.

I find this fascinating. Having grown up in London almost all my friends who have remained there still cannot drive in their 40s. It's not even on anyones radar.

There’s a difference between being a non-driver and a selfish arse, just as there is a difference between being considerate of other people and being a walkover.

When I didn’t drive, I’d never have dreamed of asking my DP to cancel something to give me a lift. Today you should have gone out with your friends, and he should have got himself home. You were a pushover in that specific scenario.

Similarly, knowing you’d put yourself out for him, he shouldn’t then have changed plans. That’s selfish.

Being a non-driver isn’t automatically the worst thing, it’s how you arrange life around it. I now do more regular driving than my DP, but he still does the long trips. It’s not changed his life significantly me being able to drive.

Why don't you give him some driving lessons. I am sure he will love to learn from you? However, I think its good for you to arrange a transport option in case you suddenly go into labour without relying on him for it.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't drive unless it was for health reasons. I wouldn't want to be the designated driver all the time.

i am someone in their 30s who can't drive - for me, I've tried, had a lot of lessons, I'm shite and dangerous at it - all of my family are bad, nervous drivers. I hesitate. I live in a city where it'd be kind of useful for me to drive but you can get everywhere by transport. I drove my DH nuts for years until he gave up on the idea I'd ever learn, and I try never to have him drive me anywhere.

i do just wonder why you'd want a new driver driving you and your baby around?

definitely make other plans to get to the hospital, and also stop doing all the picking up and dropping off - it'll be a massive pain when you have the baby.

I can't think of a single place my DH has taken me in the car that I needed to go for years now.

But you can grow up in London and then along comes a job that means you have to move up north or somewhere where you really do need to drive, what then?

What if your partner god forbid dies? And you are stuck somewhere with no way of being driven around. To me it is a very strange idea not to do this because no one knows what life is going to throw at you.

I wouldn't want to be the designated driver all the time

But that only happens if you drive a lot of places. DH and i both like to have a drink if we go out so there is never a designated driver. If you are with a non driver i would expect you to set your life up around not having lots of driving. Delivery shopping, living near good transport links etc. I think if you know someone can't drive and then move rurally and ferry them around then that's just crazy. I don't think i've ever asked DH to drive me anywhere.

He’s not having a stressful day at work. You believe that if it makes you feel better but i guarantee it is a fib. Making you feel bad about “dumping a load of emotional texts on him” is a nasty, passive aggressive thing to do.

I also hope you have made clear quite how disappointed you are to be missing your meet up with friends now that he has cancelled your taxi, while he swans off out for his impromptu dinner (stress-relieving socialising, no doubt). In fact, why didn’t you just tell him to get a cab home from work when your invitation clashed with taxi duties?

Are you going to take him out to practise?

He's limiting your options in life by not learning to drive. Right now, he's counting on you to take him to/from work. And to/from shops. Holiday driving, all on you. Visiting relatives and friends? All on you. And soon you will be doing all the child running around, too.

What if you want a different job that's in a different direction to his? What if he loses his job and needs to take one up somewhere else? Can he get himself to his own job without you? Is there public transport where you are?

HE needs to be honest about whether or not he's going to learn to drive or not so you can plan.

If you live in a place where public transport is available and is the norm, like London, then that is different. Op already said she lives in an area where a car is needed for the day to day. Not every town and city is London. There are many, many places where public transport is not feasible for getting to work, to stores, bank, schools, etc. A grown person who refuses to be responsible for his own transport and must rely on a chauffeur but doesn’t pay for one is not on! The posters who talk about living in a place where nobody has to drive—has nothing to do with op’s situation. Just as taking a bus or train and not having to think about driving is a big part of your life, so is driving a car daily for tons of other people. It is indeed like doing any other daily chore.

I'd point out to him that even if he does have a natural ability to drive, some areas have up to 3 month wait for a test. You can't just decide you're ready and book it for later that week.

I just remember when mine were young teens, we could not have managed without both of us driving. Even then it was difficult enough getting them where they needed to be at the right time and that's with two drivers.

Then what about the parties when they're teens? The picking up at midnight when they've been to each others houses for a party or whatever. That stage was totally and utterly exhausting and we took it in turns if we could.

i agree with jessie, i've never ever stopped my DH doing something social because he had to drive me somewhere.

i also agree, if you know you can't drive, you HAVE to live somewhere that you won't be a burden on people, don't you? I couldn't stand the dependence.

@Mothercupboard same here. If it were for health reasons or anxiety etc then I would understand but just because someone can’t be arsed? Fuck that. Personally for me (but we live quite rurally with limited taxis and 1 an hour type buses) I would feel very aggrieved at being with someone not prepared to take in 1/2 the responsibility regards having the security of driving/owning a car, especially with children. I would be fraught with panic the thought of going into labour and not having a responsible adult that could just ferry me to hospital at any time of the day or night. And yes, I would probably end up screaming/shouting etc. In fact I think I would lose any respect for someone who didn’t feel this important enough to assist me and eventually our family. But that’s me.. I have a friend with 2 children and a husband that doesn’t drive. She has to take full responsibility for everything and drove herself to hospital whilst in labour... with her husband sat in the passenger seat. Definitely would not be a man I would be married to..

I wonder if it's fear of failure. My DH is 40 and doesn't drive. He had failed 4 tests. I failed 8 tests though and I never gave up. I tell him to get over it and rebook, There is no public transport where we live. My parents drove me to the hospital last time I was in labour. You need to plan alternative arrangements. Can you try teaching him yourself?

YANBU. He needs to grow up and learn to drive. He’s also being weird in that he’s essentially lying about always being just about to get it sorted, then not doing it.

Neither DH nor I drive. DS1 I walked to hospital as we lived fairly close, DS2 I taxied as we lived further away. No need to make yourself and him mad with stress by deciding you have to have him drive you

But Lash, why on earth did the OP choose to move to a situation like that with a non driver - that's crazy. My parents have just moved to a tiny village from London. My Mum wont drive and they argue everyday about it. Why did my Dad do that when my mum made it clear she wouldn't be driving? Just so odd.

Roulette - i have no intention of taking/picking up my teens to/from parties! They can make their own way just like i had to. Again both DH and i would have had wine so wouldn't be picking them up anyway.

YANBU This would drive me nuts. Usually I'm on the side of the DHs on MN

Stick to your guns OP. Don’t let him use you like this. Spoiling your social life, leaving you to sort out getting to the hospital. It isn’t going to get any easier once your baby arrives. He needs to learn to bloody well drive.

I don't think YABU at all. He really needs to grow up and do this one thing to make life a little less stressful for you

Personally I think he’s got the fear but is not admitting it to himself or you.. all these excuses..