Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

Do you know what eill happen though. OP will still end up dragging her exhausted and damaged body out, putting newborn in a car seat to keep the status quo for her DP when he needs her. Typically that's what happens.

forcing someone who's terrified and nervous to get behind the wheel of a car is a really bad idea
But you've just described everyone who ever learned to drive. Being single and choosing not to drive is fine but if you have a family and not driving is affecting them you need to knuckle down and learn. Same as you need to learn how to operate the lawn mower/washing machine/hoover/cooker. You don't need to be awesome, you just need to be competent.

You knew he couldn't drive when you started a relationship with him? Driving isn't compulsory - it is a choice and ultimately you can't force someone. I am learning at the moment and I put it off for ages because I lacked confidence. It can be a scary thing for some people. Try to be supportive rather than angry?

Why does everyone think it's scary for them but a doddle for everyone else, i think it's scary for everyone, absolutely terrifying but you just work through it.

Try to be supportive rather than angry?

RTFT. The OP cancels plans with friends to ferry him around. And then he cancels on her, with no warning.

She is supportive. She's now moving onto 'frustrated', as most people also would.

And yes, of course it's bloody terrifying.

I had some early lessons on a massive wide beach - when I saw another vehicle coming towards me, even though we both had ALL the room in the world, I thought I was going to combust with fear.

I can’t believe all a nasty comment directed at OP. Sounds as though her DP has consistently said he would learn to drive and hasn’t, so after years of him failing to live up to that she has a right to be pissed off! Plus, it’s about stepping up and sharing the load in the relationship, OP is currently shouldering all of the driving and even if DP gets public transport for work etc once the baby gets here, presumably that’s him being out of the house longer hours and not being there at home with the baby.

Those saying there’s no point as he will be too inexperienced to drive her to and from the hospital, true, but the sooner he learns the sooner he will build the confidence and be able to share the load more, plus, once the baby comes finding the time and energy to have lessons won’t be easy.

I really hope he squeezes in some lessons and passes that test quickly OP!

It is annoying and tedious always being the one who has to drive, especially if you live somewhere where public transport is unreliable. There is no excuse. As an adult a driving licence is necessary and in some cases, required for certain types of employment (I need my staff to drive from one research site to another so don't employ people in that role who doesn't drive).

Another one saying stop driving him anywhere. And I mean anywhere. Tell him that having to cancel meeting up with your friends for nothing has been the last straw.

Personally, I would be stopping all lifts (aside from genuine emergencies) and telling him if he wasn't prepared to learn to drive, he could get himself from A-B in future.

If he doesn't want to drive, that's fine, but he can't expect to rely on you when you have a baby to look after. So start now. Sit him down and explain that now you're pregnant, you don't have the time or energy to be ferrying him to/from work or to see his friends or whatever, and that you certainly won't have that energy when you have a newborn to look after.

I didn't drive until later in life and have some sympathy with him - I think the longer you put it off, the more you build it up in your head as a big scary thing to accomplish. I finally got my arse in gear because I moved somewhere with no public transport and I needed a car if I wanted to move in with DP and keep my job. Basically, until there was a big enough motivation, I had nothing pushing me into it.

I wouldn’t be driving him everywhere. My dd turned 17 less than a week ago and has already been out driving with my dh twice and will do a block of lessons in the new year. It would send me bonkers if I was the only driver in the house. Cars are our livelihood, dh’s hobby and public transport is pants so it’s important to us that we can all drive as soon as possible.

Dh and I, shite at learning to drive. Didn't matter, we lived in a city, no kids.

After many many hours, 3 instructors and a pit of money, I passed. Lucky, not only because DS was now 18m, but also because moved from from a city to a place where a car was needed. DH could walk to work, but a car was needed for everything else.

2 years later DH passed, because his new job was rural and he needed to.

If he hadn't I think I would have gone mad.
It is the responsibility of being the only driver. With a car in the family, why would you take the family on holiday on public transport? But as the driver it all falls on you. Shopping trip-you. Quick dash to a&e-you. Family day out-you.

If OP's DP can do it all on public transport, that's great. Nursery runs, work, a&e, hospital appt. That's great.
BUT any family trip, or holiday will still fall on OP to drive. (Which of course means her OH must look at the baby and everything because OP'll be tired from the stress of driving)

I agree that op needs to stop doing lifts for everything, and I say that as a driver who only passed her test at age 35. However, I think some posters aren’t getting that for some people, the fear is not something they can easily ‘just get over’. It’s not the case that fear stopped me driving, but I had to force myself to do it. I didn’t practice because I disliked it. I’d finish lessons with the perspiration of fear on me. I still don’t like it, I’ll get the bus if that’s a possible option. It’s been two years and the fear hasn’t gone away. It’s got less. I take solo journeys on motorways, I run errands. I don’t feel more independent or more grown up than I did when I wasn’t driving. It hasn’t affected my career. I just have more transport options and can pick my partner up/ share long drives.

OP, I agree with the others who say stop driving him. He won't learn while there are no incentives, and right now he has none.

You are going to be tired with a newborn, don't go dragging yourself out taking him to work and back. It won't be fair on your little one or yourself. He'll have to adapt.

You are most definitely not BU! I'd be very frustrated and resentful in your situation. You absolutely have a right to feel this way! When DH and I got together, he couldn't drive. But being driven around by me meant he was determined to. It took him a long time (it didn't come easily to him and we had to pause lessons at one point as couldn't afford them) and three test attempts to pass- but he did do it, and did it before the birth of our first child. He was absolutely determined that he would be the one to drive me to the hospital!

My ex didn't drive but he didn't want to learn. Didn't stop him from expecting me to ferry his backside around though.

I do agree that driving is a basic life skill, and is all the more important when you're becoming a parent.

Those of you criticising the OP are being very unfair.

Nobody needs to learn how to drive, but also all the adult non-drivers are not entitled to lifts.

OP i would stop giving your DP lifts. Eventually to may be too uncomfortable to drive then too sore after giving birth. Your DP is and adult and can sort himself out.

I’ve just had to put my foot down (again) with a non-driving family member who wants me to drive to them. I have told them I can’t as I am 8 months pregnant and it agony to drive more than 10/15 mins.

Why does everyone think it's scary for them but a doddle for everyone else, i think it's scary for everyone, absolutely terrifying but you just work through it.

I don't think this is strictly true. There are levels fear. I know people, initially a bit nervous and then after a few lessons fine. I know others (me, my Mum) who get panic attacks while driving, are shaking and can't breath years later. I've even considered hypnotherapy. I've been learning/driving now for 20 years. My Mum for 40 - she is the worst most dangerous driver i have seen too. It's not like a washing machine etc, you could kill someone.

Why would he learn to drive when he has a live in taxi driver?

Bollocks to that, stop giving him lifts completely, make him realise how inconvenient it is not being able to drive. Once it makes his life more difficult you might find he suddenly develops the motivation.

Yanbu. It really annoys me when people don’t drive the other person always has to drive no matter what. If you’re out/on holiday and feel unwell you always still have to drive home, tired and need to go by car? You’ll still be driving. Shopping? Yep that’s you behind the wheel. Out and about fancy an impromptu pub lunch? Make mine a coke! Sharing driving duties is like sharing household chores etc not even negotiable in the 21st century. Can you imagine if you came in here and said I’m pregnant and DH won’t do the hoovering! Tell him to grow some or he’ll be walking everywhere from now on.

I would hate it if my dh didn't drive so I totally understand where you are coming from BUT it does sound like he really doesn't want to go through the experience of learning, could be laziness or could be nerves. You absolutely can't and shouldn't try to force him. You have to accept it. What you can do is just stop driving you both everywhere, there are alternatives and it takes the pressure off you. If that sounds like a nightmare then start driving again because - let's face it - if you were on your own you'd drive all the time. If he doesn't like it, that's his axe to grind. He might step up.

When you have a baby asleep in the house all evening so obviously one parent can't nip out to pick the other one up from places he'll realise how much he relies on you. He'll never be able to go anywhere in the evening will he?!

Plenty of people manage without driving, being a bitch about it will just make him dig his heels in. Not everyone wants to do it

I don't particularly want to drive everywhere I would much prefer to have a free chauffeur to get me where I want to go when I want to go there. But because of illness I am the only car driver in the family and it sucks.

I can't get changed into my pj's and slippers in the evening because someone always needs picking up or I need to nip to the shops because we have forgotten something.

I am sure plenty of people manage without driving. They just ask us drivers for lifts

Hi TeaAndToast
I was in the same situation when pg with dc1.
DH did eventually get some lessons. Then failed his test. Retook and failed again.

However he was a competent enough driver to drive me around (with L plates on) when I got too enormous to fit behind the steering wheel, and to get me to hospital when I went into labour. That's all I really needed.

He still hasn't passed, years later, but can take a turn at driving some of the way (off motorway, with L plates) on long journeys.

Would that work for you?

And what it he going to do if you have a c section and can’t drive for 6 weeks? How’s he getting to work? Picking up essentials for the baby? For you? Taking the baby to the HV? Or Is he planning on wasting money in taxis or inconveniencing everyone else