Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

I think you need to try and broach with him why he is so resistant rather than bullying him into it. DH was a similar age and very resistant and part of it was that he was embarrassed and worried about failing. Once we talked it through he relaxed and passed first time.

I would also say that if I was in labour, being driven to the hospital by an anxious father who has obly passed his test a few weeks earlier sounds like the worst idea in the world.

I think what a lot of non-drivers don't realise is that it's about sharing the load. Otherwise it's one person responsible for shopping, visiting friends and family, taking kids to activities, taking people to doctors and dentists etc. It's not fair to expect one person to do it all if there's no good reason why the other one can't learn.

I am the non-driver and do all of the above.

People who call other people mundanes are themselves pretenders. Pretentious and lacking the class they imagine they have and others do not. They don’t understand what class is. I think it’s kindness and how you treat others.

So to sum up.

"Non-drivers are arseholes"
"Drivers are mundane"

Nothing judgemental about this thread in the slightest 😁

Driving is an essential skill unless you live in central London and go nowhere else.
Absolute bollocks. I live 40 miles away from London and survive very easily without it. My son lives in Portsmouth and doesn't drive there (though he has passed his test. He's chosen not to own a car at the moment). I've also lived in Newcastle Upon Tyne, on the metro route.
Most towns and cities in the UK have adequate public transport, not to mention taxis. There's also those things on the ends of our legs called feet, pretty useful for walking and cycling.
Having said all that, the OP's husband has got the best of both worlds, not having to drive but having a chauffeur service without having to put up with the inconvenience of having to wait in the cold at the bus stop, or walking a couple of miles home after a full days work, eg. I think the OP has to put her foot down a bit more so that her husband experiences the down side of being a non driver.

Actually another question for him OP - how does he plan to get to work and back when you are on maternity leave? Or does he expect you to still drop him off and pick him up?

The reality is, if he waits until the baby has arrived to actually feel the negative effects of not being able to drive and you not being available to ferry him about, then at that point it'll be expensive to learn as it'll have to be via lessons, not a combination of lessons and you sitting with him to practice, and those lessons will have to be in 'family time' when he's possibly suffering from sleep deprivation.

After maternity leave, are you planning to return to work? Will you do the same hours of will you need to stagger them for drop off/pick up from childcare, and will that entirely fall to you as he can't get there?

Invisible - that's a fantastic idea. OP get some Ls and say he has to drive himself to and from work with your supervising every day. The problem i had was that i had no one willing to take me out practicing so every hour spent in the car was an hour that had to be paid for at £25. Even when i upped it to 2 lessons a week for 6 months i was getting nowhere. Doing it intensively and in an automatic was the only thing that got me to pass.

Can he learn in an Automatic OP? Is that an option? As it really is much easier.

Exactly bored you have it in a nutshell

My friend, whose DH doesn't drive, called a taxi company to pre-book her 'in labour' taxi and they had her down as an emergency response case. They also said she would need to bring her own bin bag to sit on tho.

Ah, just don't drive him anywhere. Then when he starts to ask, plead, beg, nag and then finally scream for lifts, MNetters can tell you how oh so unreasonable and selfish you are not to give poor DH a lift and how you are controlling him by refusing to drive him anywhere

If your DH never intends to drive is it worth considering a move to somewhere that is easier to manage without a car?

I agree with pp that you need to stop taking him to work or picking him up from places. He needs to be severely inconvenienced to have the best incentive to learn.

Yes stop being a taxi.
Let him lug shipping home on the bus.
I am only learning to drive because I had a baby. And I wish that I had done it pregnant.

Poisonous Smurf - 'cut him some slack, not everyone wants to drive' - he's pretty happy to accept lifts though.

I learned to drive a couple of months ago, after years of dithering with lessons for various reasons (money, lack of time, anxiety). I passed first time with four minors.

Personally I think forcing someone who's terrified and nervous to get behind the wheel of a car is a really bad idea. Driving is not a necessary life skill - yes, it's useful and makes things easier, but it's very rare that anyone needs to drive.

I quit lessons several times because I had such bad anxiety about getting behind the wheel. I was often sick with nerves and I was terrified I was going to crash - even though I was in a dual-control vehicle. I've been a passenger with people who really shouldn't be driving - they're nervous, panic in strange or busy scenarios (even after years of driving) and I don't feel safe in the car with them.

By all means refuse to drive him around - he can walk, cycle, get a bus or pay for a taxi if he has to, but you can't force him to learn. He obviously has some deep-seated anxiety over it and forcing the issue by shouting at hime isn't going to help or encourage him in any way, it'll just make his anxiety worse, believe me - I've been there!

Christ this would drive me up the wall, what a knob he's being. He's expecting you to do so much more of the load in what is supposed to be a shared relationship. My ex couldn't drive until I banged on enough that he finally did it and it made me lose a lot of respect for him as an independent, autonomous, mature man, having to rely on buses all the time and on other people ferrying him around. When we split I knew I wouldn't date someone else who didn't drive.

Unless you have a medical issue or can't afford it, learning to drive is a basic adult life skill, and in a lot of places absolutely necessary. Am aware it's an unpopular view on these boards. He needs to pull his socks up asap, he's going to have a child FGS!

Stop enabling him in the meantime.

I think if you don't or can't drive then you accept responsibility for that fact and don't expect to be ferried about.
I don't and can't drive, I'd quite frankly be dangerous and yes, an instructor after £££££ agreed finally that I was one of the few who would just never be able to do it to a safe standard.
I manage. I'm a single parent, live in a rural area, have horses and I've managed. I don't expect though. The only lifts I've ever asked for have been due to illness/injury, where I wouldn't be able to drive anyway. I do get offers of 'lifts' as in to tag along if my DSis is going shopping etc, sometimes I do at sometimes I don't. But others usually assume I need a lift, they don't really ask it's just
*Oh I suppose I'd better take you to X or pick you up from Y"
No. I can make my own way or I'll not come, stop labelling me as expecting lifts when I don't.
Stop being a taxi service and see if DP reacts or starts using buses etc. If he just carries on and sorts himself out I'd say you should quit nagging and accept he doesn't want to do it. If he expects then tell him one way or the other he's responsible for his travel arrangements to work etc and let him decide.

Where I live , non-drrivers are pretty rare due to rubbish public transport and the sheer distances involved ( Australia). It may be different in some communities in cities - still rubbish public transport there but it's still unusual to find non-drivers - it's like a right of passage here. So I'm quite amazed at the numbers of folk who don't drive on this thread.

My suggestion if his whole non-driving, refusal to get on with it , state of being would be to stop ferrrying him about. With you doing that he has no reason to learn. If you feel strongly enough about it, pull the plug on it. Especially if it's impacting on your life individually.

Look past him taking you to hospital. Consider the following and talk to him about it.

After your child is born it is going to become even harder to do take him here there and everywhere while you have a child who's routine may not accomodate his needs for the Mum taxi.
He's going to need to figure out what he's going to do post-baby arrival so he may as well start that now.

You get sick, because you've picked up a bug from your child - highly likely in the early years. Sick chilld, sick you. How does he get around?

Thinking even further ahead about how shit this situation will be - schools pickups, future events around a childs school, and activities for kids in the afternnoon and early evening etc may impact even more on you. You'll be here and there with kids, yet still have to bundle in the car to get himself. No to that scenario.

Point all this out to him.

Inconvenient - learn to drive
You're being a bitch - learn to drive
Costing me in taxis - learn to drive
It's cold waiting for the bus - learn to drive
Pick me up - the baby is doing X,Y,Z and I can't - learn to drive
Kids have event on at same time as I need to get you - learn to drive

I could go on.
Learn to drive mate.

Pretty much all the non-drivers on here have said they don't ask others for lifts, that they manage.

I live in a reasonably sized town. Transport is okish, and the trains here are expensive (but we do get them). There are some taxis, though.

About half of the people I know who don't drive, expect other people to offer lifts. It can get an issue at times, but I now stick to offering lifts only if I want to.

Urgh, I'd struggle with that to be honest. It's a basic skill in my book and other people can do what they like but for my own partner I wouldn't put up with such uselessness. For our life to work we both need to be able to drive, end of. I know quite a few non-drivers and without exception they do rely on someone to regularly ferry them around.

Is there a reason he won't get a licence?

I'm an Optometrist and I've had a couple of people scared that they won't attain the visual standards needed for the test. Its 20 metres for a number plate or 6/12 for eye chart and its both eyes together rather than one. Its quite a low standard and unless you have a pretty serious eye problem most people will make it.

If he is worried, eye tests are fairly cheap.

My DF insisted DM learn to drive when they were engaged before I came along (40+ years ago).

He didn't want it all to fall to him, and he wanted her to be able to be independent with a baby.

She wasn't keen, but did it and never looked back.

Agree with whoever said that all the non-drivers on these threads never expect lifts, but non-drivers in real life definitely seem to.

I don't actually know anyone who doesn't drive - only DB's partner and they live in central London so he doesn't need to (they don't own a car, so neither is inconvenienced by it, anyway).

genever - I chucked my Australian qualifier there because I was sure it would skew my perspective and colour my reposnse.

Like I said I am genuinely amazed that it is so different in the UK. I know maybe one non-driver and she's legally blind for example. Kind of an interesting "cultural" difference I think.
For example, if I didn't drive- I have no buses to catch, a cab would cost in excess of $50 AUD and I'd have to pay both ways to get to and from the shops. My DH works from 5am till 4pm managing a farm - so there'd be no help there,and often he's too exhausted at night to deal with kid runs. As a family, we'd be stuffed if we both didn't have licences. It'd be the same if we still lived in Sydney.
Big swathes of Sydney have rotten public transport , with exhorbitant taxi fares. Some areas have good trains, and buses but it's not universal.

Still reckon the OP is in for a world of pain in the future, if this guy doesn't pull his finger out and get on with it. His lack of driving ability is obviously a concern for her, whether or not others in the UK adapt well without a car. Once their child arrives if he hasn't learned..........well if OP is stressed now she'll be nuclear then.

Yeah this was my DH. He didn't want to do it so needed the looming deadline of an impending birth to pull his finger out and actually have lessons. Test was booked right at the last minute, it was incredibly stressful because then he needed to pass it. He failed, it was gutting, next available retest was in a couple of months. I ended up being driven to the hospital by a colleague I barely knew, I had an EMCS and was in so much pain I couldn't drive for 6 weeks (you can drive before that if check with your insurance company). Had to do the food shop online, couldn't pop to the shops for stuff like breast pads/maternity pads. It was grim.

Fingers crossed your DH does an intensive course in Jan and passes.

While lots of non-drivers don't expect lifts on here, in this case, the OP was made to feel she couldn't go out with her friends this afternoon so she could give him a lift home after work. She does drive him to work and back and does limit herself to be available for him.

He might not realise he's putting her out, but he is. And once she's on maternity leave, it's going to become obvious, although then it'll be harder for him to learn to drive if the OP can't sit with him to practice and he's knackered from a newborn keeping him up.