Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

I have a 35 year old friend who doesn't drive. Bought him lessons for his birthday, he never used them.

He's single with no kids and lives in a city. Fair enough. I think it limits him but he likes the bus so whatever.

Your situation is different. Your DH needs a licence.

I think what brought this on is that I had to turn down an afternoon with friends because I have to be at his work to pick him up, but he just called to say that he has been invited to a meal out with work, so doesn't need picking up.

I had FULL sympathy with you OP - up until this point.

FFS, you don't get to make a huge old martyr of yourself, and then complain about it, if you're doing this ^
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Why on earth would you cancel something nice to ferry him around?^
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And how incredibly thoughtless, rude and taking-for-granted of you is he to just leave you hanging, when you've canceled plans for him.

Come on.

What the hell is a mundane?

clearly this is making you stressed as you don't have a plan in place, can't get a plan in place because you need someone else to do something and they're not doing it. Sadly, you need a plan in place that doesn't involve relying on your DH. Get that sorted and you can relax about this aspect of having a baby.

So "Plan B" could be a combination of calling taxi companies, finding out if they would be happy to take you to hospital in labour, get 2/3 lined up with the numbers clearly written out by the home phone and saved in your mobile. Another option is asking a neighbour/local friend if they would be happy to be on 'standby' to take you to hospital. (offering petrol money and promise to sit on an absorbant sheet/pay for any cleaning needed if things start moving before you get there! )

Then tell your DH what your plan is. He might get huffy, but frankly, his "never never" approach is stressing you.

Even if he does learn to drive just before the baby comes, it's stressful going to /from the hospital, he needs to really be learning now so he's got time to do the route a few times.

Probably an anxiety/ego thing, I was a mature learner at 31 but I imagine its harder for men to swallow their ego especially as most males think they are born knowing how to drive (according to my instructor). Maybe help him to find an instructor that has lots of experience with anxious and or mature learners. He should take his time so that he is a safe driver, not pass in the minimum lessons possible.

Maybe he's scared of driving? Lots of people are. He might not even have recognised that he is.

Oh, I've missed the 'mundanes' - has been a while since I've heard that phrase. SGB is reinstated.

Because it's so outré to refuse to learn to drive a car. That really makes a person interesting...

There's a really high chance he's not going to have passed his test by the time you give birth, in fact will he be able to do the journey to hospital (and park!) even if you're in the car with him to legally supervise?

If you pressure him, and I don't believe 6 years of reluctance to drive was just laziness, how are you going to get any practice in? Are you going to both feel safe in a car with him driving? I will eat my hat if there's not some anxiety about driving going on. The other reason I can think of is a friend of mine who really should learn to drive, but is extremely inattentive at times to the world around him. He says he doubts whether he could focus on something like driving as he should. I sometimes think he has a point!

Context, I passed my test second time when I was 35. I did one driving session in car when I was 18, hated it, went to university/ lived in London. It took me 18 months of bi-weekly lessons to pass my test from age 34. I don't like driving two years on, I do it for convenience for errands etc but if I can do public transport or walk, I will. If my partner had been screaming at me to take lessons, I would not have been able to see it through. It was sheer bloody mindedness that made me stick with lessons. Even having some motivations for wanting to learn (being able to share driving with my partner on long journeys, ease of small errands) wasn't enough motivation. In the end I had to rely on 'I've started so I'll finish' to get me through. I had a great instructor, I just hated the process.

I think yanbu to want him to drive, I think yabu in how you're going about it, and in your expectation that he'll be at a point where he can safely drive you and park up in the circumstances. Does he have his provisional? His theory test? It's not a big enough time frame imo.

Oh and stop driving him. If you have plans, dont pick him up, make him get his own way home. He has to feel his life would be better.

Is he insured on your car? Could you suggest he drives to/from work and you sit with him to practice? This should mean he learns pretty quickly if you could do this daily for a few weeks.

oh and why I say get him to do the commute, everyone I know who learned to drive as an adult, rather than at 17 with access to their parents' car, took a long time and a lot of lessons, because they weren't practicing in between. If he can practice with you daily, that will mean he needs far fewer paid lessons.

I was just thinking the other day 'I wonder if SolidGoldBrass has left MN as i haven't seen anyone called Mundanes for a while'. And then she pops up. like a swinging mushroom! Great to see you SGB.

My DH can't swim or cook and they pose way more restrictions on our life than me not driving.

He may need a lot of lessons too OP. I had so many. So be prepared for this to be a money hole.

When i first started learning i was doing one lesson a week for 4 months and the instructor said it was like teaching a new learner every time i got in the car. In the end i block booked 4 hrs a day for 2 weeks before my test. It cost about £1000.

Mundanes? Hahaha! Even the Duchess of Cambridge drives herself around when she can, even the Queen does. The Queen repaired and drove vehicles in the war, it was her job. It’s called being independent, not mundane. And yes, it is a life skill depending where you live.

Driving is an essential skill, unless you live in central London and go nowhere else. Unless there are major financial issues which would make driving lessons dent the budget too much or mental health issues such as severe anxiety, everyone should learn to drive. The inability to drive puts you at such a big disadvantage

I hope the ones who don't drive and don't consider it an important skill, accept lifts so casually

I think the Duchess of Cambridge it the epitome of one of the 'mundanes' Lash.

Yep MrsKoala - agree that 1 hour lesson a week is no where near enough for most people to learn. However they have a car already, no DC yet to worry about childcare, so there's no reason the OP couldn't sit with him while he practices driving around all the local roads every evening and weekend for a month or so. They even share the commute so he could do the driving daily while she sits to supervise, meaning they don't even need to find time for this.

You only learn to drive a car by driving a car, it takes hours for most people, happily, it should be quite straightforward for the OP and her DH to sort that if he really wants to make the effort.

Oh and OP, agree that if he's a 'last minute' person, he probably thinks he doesn't need to learn to drive until just before the baby comes. Make it clear you want him driving sooner than that, so he can take over the commute towards the end of the pregancy. 40 weeks isn't his deadline to pass.

YANBU OP. He needs to prioritise this and learn asap. I couldn't stand to be with someone who refused to learn to drive. I know someone who is married with 3 children and she has to drive everywhere because her husband can't. When they go to France she does all the driving.

I just couldn't tolerate it I'm afraid.

Exactly, lethal.

In the OP's situation, driving seems fairly important. I promise though, it's really quite easy to live in a city (that's not London) and not drive. I spent 18 years not driving. I independently used my feet, public transport, and delivery services. It really wasn't necessary to drive. My prompt to learn was living with a partner who did drive, and feeling bad about him doing all the long distance driving to see relatives.

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I’m pretty shocked that he lied on his CV about being able to drive. That’s a sackable offence. Suggests a deeper issue maybe.

My DO can't drive. Get a taxi to and from the hospital.

Maybe after the baby arrives. I for one would not want to be driven by a newly qualified driver when in labour. There are such things as taxis or could a friend drive your car?
Give him some slack. Not everyone wants to drive.

DP! I don't know what a DO is - stupid autocorrect.