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Original poster

DP 'secret' social media profile

379 replies

bumblingbum · 17/12/2017 19:55

NC for this one.

My partner of 10 years has never had any form of social media. He says it's a waste of time and pointless. The other day to my surprise I came across a photo on Instagram posted by a local business. Think along the lines of 'Another happy customer') and he was tagged in it so has his own profile.

I messaged him saying that I didn't realise he was on Instagram and he said he created the account 'ages' ago and that he doesn't use it at all. Fine. Whatever.

Now this is where I've been out of order...I've logged in to his profile. (Local business posted his username and I was able to guess his password.) No idea why I felt the need to snoop. I suppose because it's out of character for him as he has previously been against social media. I just find the whole thing a bit odd.

He's only posted 3 photos and they're of his new car- fine. What's weirding me out is that he's followed a Mum that I recognise from the school run. She's also followed him back and I remember him pointing her n the playground a few weeks ago saying he used to be friends with her and she's a really nice person. He's also followed a few other women (I assume that he knows from before we met) and some men too (so not just women) but not me!? He knows I use it a lot. He's set his profile to private too.

Also he said he created it ages and never uses it but it was actually only 3 weeks ago but from his activity he seems to be fairly active on it! I know I shouldn't have violated his privacy and logged in to his account but I just feel somethings a bit odd. Why is he saying he doesn't use it when he does?

Maybe I need to just forget it

OP posts:
Motoko · 22/12/2017 09:30

Well, it sounds like the marriage is over. You can't fix it if he won't engage, and he's ready to end it.

Sorry OP. Flowers

BadFeminist · 22/12/2017 09:53

It's all very easy to say "oh well just leave now" but the OP is the one who is left with the logistics.

I think he has done wrong, BUT if they have been having a bad patch isn't it quite common for either spouse to go "looking" for validation. To her DP a woman accepting an add on instagram might be the rush he needs.

I'm not saying that's ok, it's not at all and we've established he's a shady fucker and has no right to speak to you like that, but it does need perspective AND compassion for the OP.

ferntwist · 22/12/2017 10:15

Oh dear. Agree with PP that he’s checking out. He suggests calling it a day because you ask where he went last night? Don’t let this man wreck your self-esteem and peace of mind bumbling. Start making your plans.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/12/2017 10:27

I feel sorry for him and agree with JohnHunter. He has asked you stop going on about it after finding out you were snooping on him and found nothing and yet you still go on? End the relationship if you like but stop trying to get him to say he wants to cheat when he may not. I’d react like him if it was hinted that I was cheating when in fact I didn’t tell you because look how you have reacted. Him saying we will call it day just shows how fed up of how you are, he is. Get Christmas over with if you like and then say it’s over. You clearly don’t work together and can’t seem to talk to one another.

RandomDreams · 22/12/2017 10:31

I find his reaction odd.

He's not even reassuring you?

To be honest you both sound like you don't love each other, you're snooping and waiting for him to trip up and he's trying to get you to shut up.

You don't need an excuse or to wait for him to trip up to end the relationship.

Wineandpyjamas · 22/12/2017 10:35

I'm so sorry OP but maybe you're better off without him anyway - from the sounds of it the relationship has been in trouble for awhile and now it looks like the trust (on both sides) has gone. Hope you can get through Christmas for the kids' sake. I agree with PP in that if he hasn't cheated already he's definitely gearing up to it and sounding out his 'options'. His reaction is speaking volumes here.

daisychain01 · 22/12/2017 10:41

I'm getting Christmas out of the way and then seriously considering the future of our relationship

So you're happy to extend this misery through the Christmas holidays even though you know it isn't going to get any better and it's just delaying the inevitable.

I'd have thought the time you've already spent on this, has already been spent considering the relationship. He's an arse, he's hedging his bets and keeping his options open. Just imagine ... Christmas free of all the crap, instant result.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/12/2017 10:43

daisychain01 I think the Op said they have kids. I think for their sake keeping Christmas calm is important.

JohnHunter · 22/12/2017 11:00

Ending a ten year relationship that includes children because your DP lied about how much he uses Instagram? And then didn't want to keep talking about it for the best part of a week? How did the relationship ever last this long? I often feel like I've fallen into Wonderland when I wander into these threads.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/12/2017 11:14

JohnHunter Exactly. A lot of women on mumsnet seem to love watching a relationship fall apart based on zero evidence, and just their opinions screaming at the Op that he is a man and must be cheating 🙄

ferntwist · 22/12/2017 11:32

Hang on, he suggested ending the relationship because he disappeared last night and OP asked where he had been. You’re totally misrepresenting the situation JohnHunter and Quack. This is someone’s life. It’s not a game for you to show you’re better than them by trashing them on their thread.

daisychain01 · 22/12/2017 12:11

Instagram is just a symptom of a much bigger issue here - it's the lack of respect and trust gnawing away at the fabric of the relationship causing the OP to have to dig around behind the scenes, because they don't have sufficient confidence in them to be honest and open.

If I was in that kind of relationship, I wouldn't care if it created a disruption at Christmas, the DCs will be harmed much more by having a disfunctional idiot in their midst. But clearly it's the OPs choice because it's their RW problem to manage.

StormTreader · 22/12/2017 12:22

"Are you doing the thing?"
"No."
"Are you sure youre not doing the thing?"
"No."
"I know you are doing it, I've seen it."
"WELL YOU SHOULDNT HAVE LOOKED."

Flat-out lying to your face multiple times about anything is not a good sign, what else would he blatantly lie about?

TinselTwat · 22/12/2017 12:47

LTB at your earliest convenience OP

Aridane · 22/12/2017 12:54

I agree with JohnHunter

Aridane · 22/12/2017 12:55

I agree the marriage is over - personally I wouldn't stay with anyone who hacked my social media account- sorry

Original poster
bumblingbum · 22/12/2017 13:24

@daisychain01 I think you've got it in one. The issue isn't really about the instagram account. There is no trust, dishonesty and to be perfectly honest I just don't think we love or respect each other anymore. Still no word from him today.

OP posts:
Original poster
bumblingbum · 22/12/2017 13:28

I can't be in a relationship with someone I don't trust for whatever reason. Something told me to log into his account- I don't want to be a person that feels the need to do that. Although he hasn't actually done nothing wrong he has lied for whatever reason. I was waiting for him to trip up- I wanted him to do something wrong to give me a valid reason to end things. That in itself tells me this relationship isn't right. I think we need to talk as adults and put an end to this (not just over a silly Instagram account). Thank you for everyone's input. Hearing the different opinions has helped me see this for what it really is. A whole lot of nothing to do with a whole lot of something.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 22/12/2017 13:38

Is there somewhere else you or he could go for Christmas, OP? I can see why you want to leave it till after, but it sounds like it would be really hard now to be in the same place and putting a brave face on it (or continuing to ignore one another). Just a thought. All the best to you.

daisychain01 · 22/12/2017 13:45

bumbling he's a fool and an idiot to lose you by being incapable of facing you with the truth and failing you by not giving you adequate reassurance that he wants and values the relationship. Sadly, through the diversity of opinion on here, and some of the ugly truth of this situation that are very common nowadays, as people can hook up and 'put themselves out there' electronically, you've been able to make sense of it and can make your next move.

You will find a new relationship if that's what you want and need, and it will be one where the person has all the same tools and technology as your current DP, yet they will choose not to use it, because they have you.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/12/2017 14:05

Why did he have to tell the op about the account? He must have known how she would react so didn’t tell her. When asked he should have admitted it but I can see why he didn’t. Then he found out that she was spying on him and can’t be arsed anymore.

Clearly you both are fed up with eachother so just be done with it. Doesn’t mean he was going to cheat though. How many women on here have partners that don’t know of do know but don’t know their username? Best get telling otherwise you are as bad as the Op’s husband.

WashingMatilda · 22/12/2017 14:36

quack and johnhunter can you please stop making this about the poor menz who can't even create a secret account, stalk random women, lie about it, then get angry and threaten to end the relationship because they've been caught.

It's very boring.

Animation86 · 22/12/2017 15:08

How many women on here have partners that don’t know of do know but don’t know their username?

How many women would just show them, rather than lie of any usage of the forum in the first place?

BadFeminist · 22/12/2017 15:29

*quack and johnhunter can you please stop making this about the poor menz who can't even create a secret account, stalk random women, lie about it, then get angry and threaten to end the relationship because they've been caught.

It's very boring.*

Took the words out of my mouth.

JohnHunter · 22/12/2017 16:01

@BadFeminist and @WashingMatilda. Who is talking about "poor men"? And perhaps I missed something in the thread (I haven't read all 14 pages) about him stalking random women. I realise that dissenting opinions are rarely tolerated around these parts and that it's more comfortable to live in an echo chamber. I'm sorry if my three short posts in this thread have bored anyone witless.

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