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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that I’m uncomfortable with money for wedding but none to see children?

126 replies

sparkly01 · 16/12/2017 22:32

I don’t think I am BU. Willing to accept if I am however.

Here goes, my BF is planning a wedding. Her soon to be DH has children from a past relationship that he doesn’t have any contact with. The reason is that his ex won’t allow it. As far as I am aware they haven’t done mediation. He’s not contacted a solicitor to see the children due to cost. However, they are now getting married and he is working overtime etc to help pay for the wedding. I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with this. My BF said I’m out of order for saying this. The thing is, I do actually like her soon to be DH and I find it very difficult to just be alright with the fact they have prioritised a wedding above his children. I know it’s none of my business really, but I am quite confused about how you could have money for one and not the other.

What does mumsnet jury think?

OP posts:
georgie262 · 16/12/2017 22:37

From what you've written YANBU. But, however much you think you know about the situation you don't really know for sure what is going on. Try and keep out of it and don't judge.

Figgygal · 16/12/2017 22:39

He's a shit dAd but it's none of your business

Sweetpea55 · 16/12/2017 22:39

It's non of your business is it what he does with his earnings.

Biscusting · 16/12/2017 22:39

I’m going to take the standard MN response and say it’s none of your business.

Userplusnumbers · 16/12/2017 22:39

Not being unreasonable to think it, but perhaps you were to say it. What were you expecting your friends reaction to be?

Timeforanamochango · 16/12/2017 22:40

YANBU - I have to admit I too would judge. I can’t imagine not using every penny I’ve got to fight for access to my child but unless you’re directly involved you don’t know the full circumstances so it’s not really your place to comment

puglife15 · 16/12/2017 22:42

Given it's your best mate and assuming you're pretty honest with each other I say YANBU.

However you should have probably worded it differently or asked about the situation first.

Bambamber · 16/12/2017 22:43

Probably hit a nerve with her

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2017 22:43

It’s hardly your friend’s fault. What were you expecting her to say?!

If you don’t feel comfortable and don’t want to go to the wedding then don’t. If it’s exactly as you understand it then he’s failing his DC but giving your friend a shit time when she’s planning her wedding is a dick move OP and she’s going to be hurt and pissed off. Rightly so. Leave her alone.

BewareOfDragons · 16/12/2017 22:44

Your BF is marrying a shit dad, but she obviously doesn't care. She's shit, too, prioritizing herself over his relationship if he could pursue custody if he spent the money there instead of her BigDay. Hence the reaction.

Buttercupsandaisies · 16/12/2017 22:47

I have no first hand experience but have plenty of men friends who do. Ime of them, going through solicitors etc turns into a long forever battle with little results. If the ex is vindictive enough they'll continue to stop or exert control over contact. my make friends have paid, took a step back and all now have great relationships with the kids as kids start gaining their own interest around age 10 onwards and the parents get less of a say. Not saying this is right but you don't know the situation at all

It's defo not your place to say! YABU to say it and a shitty friend tbh

RavenWings · 16/12/2017 22:48

So you just brought it up out of the blue? Yabu. It would be different if she was talking about the children, how she'd like them to be at the wedding or whatever - and even then I'd tread carefully.

He should be putting in effort to see them, but it's not your children or your wedding.

RavenWings · 16/12/2017 22:50

And honestly the more I think about even that (saying it when the topic comes up), the more I shy away from it. You don't know the background. You think you do, but I doubt you've the full picture unless you're one of the parents.

Original poster
sparkly01 · 16/12/2017 22:55

I think I’m mostly shocked about her attitude towards it. She’s been a single mum, her DS Dad didn’t bother for a few years and I remember how that made her feel and the things she used to say about her DS etc. I just thought (obvs wrongly) that they would prioritise the children.

Tbh I’m not really sure what reaction I would get, but if I’ve been given the correct information then the only reason he hasn’t gone to a solicitor etc is purely down to finances. Next breath is all about how tried he is and how much overtime he’s working for their wedding.

We’ve talked about it before and I have mentioned about how you can represent yourself etc and that there’s lots of good information on the internet about it. There always seemed to be a barrier though.

Yes you are right, it’s none of my business but I just think it seems such a shame. Tbh I’m seeing her in a bit of a different light now too. She didn’t think it was ok when it was her child.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkly01 · 16/12/2017 22:58

With regards to the circumstances I only know what BF has told me. So my comments were based on that.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/12/2017 23:02

Well, I wouldn't marry a man who didn't pay towards his DC. Does he?

Access is slightly different, as it can be genuinely difficult for all sorts of reasons, but I'd be unimpressed at there being NO effort made to see his DC, so wouldn't marry him either if he'd not bothered to pursue it.

But as it's not you marrying him, the most you could do would be discuss with your friend whether this was a concern - has she thought it through before marrying him? Which you did, and she's told you to butt out. So that's that, I guess.

Lifechallenges · 16/12/2017 23:05

If the husband to be is working overtime to cover e.g. £500 for a simple quiet wedding then I'd have zero issue. Custody battles are hideous, expensive and very time consuming.
However if he's trying to save £15k for a fancy wedding and not seeing his kids I'd feel v different. I think this needs more context

YellowMakesMeSmile · 16/12/2017 23:05

YANBU, both as bad as each other. I'd leave them to it and ease away from the friendship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2017 23:05

Was she stopping her ex from having contact with their child? Is that why he had no contact in the past?

That’s not what you’re saying so it’s not the same situation at all.

Like I said, if you’re going to judge her like this then I’d pull back from the friendship. She doesn’t need people in her life dishing out unwanted advice on a situation that’s nothing to do with you.

“I’m choosing flowers for my wedding, I like pink roses”

“Yes but think of the children, if you don’t have a bouquet I’m sure any issues between your husband to be and his ex will disappear”.

Is that how it’s going to be?

MilesHuntsWig · 16/12/2017 23:06

Sounds to me like you might not have all the info tbh. I agree if what you’ve been told is the full story it’s a little bit odd.

If she really is your BF and you want it to stay that way I’d just apologise for commenting but caveat it by saying you clearly don’t have the full picture and leave it like that.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/12/2017 23:07

I don't think your opinion is necessarily wrong, but you should have kept your mouth shut. Your friend was hardly going to listen to your input and go, oh dear, you're right, I shouldn't marry him, was she?

Don't say anything else to her unless it's to apologise for shoving your oar in unasked. It's quite likely, actually, that she will need friends in due course, because this man may be an absolute shit and it might be the case that he can't see his DC because he was abusive to them or their mother and will, in turn, be abusive to your friend.

Original poster
sparkly01 · 16/12/2017 23:10

I think there is an arrangement with the CSA, but again I’m only going on what she has told me.

I can’t remember how it came up, maybe cos we’ve spoken about it several times before.

And perhaps my view is slightly tainted by the fact that I was mostly bought up by my DF.

Mostly, it’s just so unlike her. She would usually have very strong views on this kind of situation, and as I said has been in this situation before herself.

I get that she wants her special day, And it’s not for another year - so it’s not like I’ve been deliberately horrible just prior to her wedding to ruin it.

We’ve been friends for years and years and we’re usually quite upfront with each other.

I dunno, maybe I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but it just makes me feel so two faced.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkly01 · 16/12/2017 23:14

It’s not that I don’t think she deserves to be happily married, but more that I thought if he was in a job where he is now able to afford a Nice wedding, perhaps just put it off and sort the kids first.
Be nice if they could be at the wedding is what I was thinking.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 16/12/2017 23:25

I agree it isn't your business. You don't know the facts behind this at all. Maybe she knows more about the situation than she's letting on but has decided not to share it with you. Stop being a busybody.

Rachie1973 · 16/12/2017 23:25

sparkly01
I think there is an arrangement with the CSA, but again I’m only going on what she has told me.

Then he's paying for his kids. The rest is none of your business.

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