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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that I’m uncomfortable with money for wedding but none to see children?

126 replies

sparkly01 · 16/12/2017 22:32

I don’t think I am BU. Willing to accept if I am however.

Here goes, my BF is planning a wedding. Her soon to be DH has children from a past relationship that he doesn’t have any contact with. The reason is that his ex won’t allow it. As far as I am aware they haven’t done mediation. He’s not contacted a solicitor to see the children due to cost. However, they are now getting married and he is working overtime etc to help pay for the wedding. I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with this. My BF said I’m out of order for saying this. The thing is, I do actually like her soon to be DH and I find it very difficult to just be alright with the fact they have prioritised a wedding above his children. I know it’s none of my business really, but I am quite confused about how you could have money for one and not the other.

What does mumsnet jury think?

OP posts:
OkPedro · 17/12/2017 01:48

Yeah as long as children have a mother who pays for everything attends everything and provides all emotional support who needs a Dad? FFS to the poster who spouted this shit have a fuckn word with yourself

puglife15 · 17/12/2017 07:30

I still stand by my YANBU.

Maybe apologize for upsetting her in the way you said it but also say you are just concerned as you know how upset she was when left without support and you wouldn't want the same thing to happen to her again, if they are thinking of eventually having kids.

Let's face it, you saying anything won't make him suddenly give a shit but it might stop her marrying a deadbeat if the case is as straightforward as it appears.

I'm also really surprised by the posts saying why would he want to go to court with a vindictive ex and go through all the pain - he's not even bloody tried!

IfNot · 17/12/2017 09:37

Hmm at the posters saying goes it's none of you business. She's your friend- you care about what kind of man she marries.
Besides, lots of things we have opinions on are none of our business- so what? ?
And LOVING the phrase " vindictive ex" used by about 5 posters.
The vindictive ex who " uses the kids for control" is so rare it's practically a dragon.
I bet my son's dad tells people the same thing. In REALITY most female resident parents are desperate for the father to have R
regular contact ( rather than sporadic and when it's convenient for him) with his children. Unless there is a very good reason ( ie abuse).
As a pp says, the courts are very keen on continuing contact for fathers, and if he had bothered to try he might have found that.
Again though, there may be a very good reason she doesn't want him to see them and this is something good your friend needs to be digging deep on.
Provably though, he could see his kids without a " lengthy court battle", he just can't be arsed.
If you find out different, and his ex wife is actually cruelly using the children as pawns in her game of revenge chess, I will eat my hat.

Chaosofcalm · 17/12/2017 09:45

I would have to say something. I could not let my bf marry someone who can just dump his children like that without raising my concerns. If this is how he treats his children, who would he treat her in future?

streetlife70s · 17/12/2017 09:49

“The ex won’t allow contact”
Hmm
That old chestnut. Probably the same old BS he’s spun her but I’m sure the ex wife would have a different story.

I’m going against the MN grain here. If it was a very good friend, particularly one who had been on the receiving end of having a man make a baby with her then buggering off without paying, I’d find it hard to sit back and watch her swan off with a man who has such low morals. So no I don’t think YABU but realise I’m in the minority.

Chaosofcalm · 17/12/2017 09:50

I'm also really surprised by the posts saying why would he want to go to court with a vindictive ex and go through all the pain - he's not even bloody tried!

^ Yea to this. Compared to what the single parent Mum currently does a court case would be nothing. I would put myself through a lot for my child. A court case to me would only inconvenient because it would represent that I was not currently with my child. I would do everything in my power to change that.

Wishfulmakeupping · 17/12/2017 09:54

He sounds like a shit dad, she'll justify it and they'll make it all ok in their own minds.

BrizzleDrizzle · 17/12/2017 09:54

Maybe there is a good reason why his ex won't let him see the children. Either way I think you friend needs to be considering why she's with this man if she's planning to have children with him but it's none of our of your business though YANBU.

SandAndSea · 17/12/2017 09:56

It sounds to me like your friend is about to marry someone much like her ex. At least she won't be able to say, "Why didn't you say something?"

YANBU.

AuntLydia · 17/12/2017 10:06

It would certainly be setting alarm bells ringing for me. Whilst I'm sure there are vindictive ex wives out there, I don't think it's that common actually. I would be worried for my friend that there was some sort of back story she wasn't aware of.

ScrabbleFiend · 17/12/2017 10:08

Life is so short, if the children have a stable mother then they will also be fine.
^From the mouth of someone who's never had to mop up the tears of an abandoned child Hmm

And yes 'she won't let me see them' and 'i can't afford court but can afford holidays/weddings' are the stock responses of shit dads who CBA with their own kids.

YWNBU to let her know your thoughts, if she's a good friend then you should be able to be honest. I couldn't stay friends with someone who made those choices though.

streetlife70s · 17/12/2017 10:15

It’s very very common for men to say “she won’t let me see the kids. I can’t afford court. Ex is vindictive”

It’s very uncommon for this to actually be the truth.

greendale17 · 17/12/2017 10:17

Your BF is marrying a shit dad, but she obviously doesn't care. She's shit, too, prioritizing herself over his relationship if he could pursue custody if he spent the money there instead of her BigDay. Hence the reaction.

^This

Firesuit · 17/12/2017 11:22

In my head, "going to court" (for anything, not his in particular) is a process whereby I sit down in front of someone who I know is going to charge me a fortune, let's say £200 per hour, and this is going to be for an unspecified number of hours, unless I want to give up half-way through, and write-off the money spent so far. And even if I don't give up, and even if I win, there's no guarantee I will get what I went to court for.

Essentially I think of "going to court" as something that happens in movies, it's not an option for real people on normal incomes. (But I grew up in a country where there was no such thing as legal aid, so I realise that lots of people in the UK will (despite recent legal aid cuts) have a folk memory of the law being something you can actually use...)

Now I'm probably wrong about how much it would cost a man to fight for access, but that may be beside the point. If he has a similar view to me about what going to court means, he may not explore it enough to find out if it is actually an option. (Bearing in mind it's unlikely to be perceived as a back-and-white issue, on a given day may be assuming that he will eventually be able to get a similar outcome without court help.)

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 17/12/2017 11:24

I have a friend who last year left her alcoholic abusive husband and initially he had their boys 2 nights a week following the split. However after continuing to harass her, taking the boys (6 and 9) to the pub all day and then turning up drunk at School pick up twice - the second time having the police called on him for threatening the receptionist - she stopped him seeing them. Understandable.

What, reader, do you think he then did with his time and money? Did he fight tooth and nail to see his beloved sons through the courts? No. He got pissed and slashed her car tyres and potted her elderly parents window.

She now has a non-molestation order in place and went to court for sole custody. He turned up to one hearing, did the whole "she's using the kids as a weapon" act but luckily the judge saw right through it.

Do you think he tells his family, friends and colleagues "I don't see my children because I'm an aggressive nasty drunk who picks on women"? Or do you think he says "my ex won't let me see them"? I never believe a man who says the latter, there's always a back story. Men by large are far more unreasonable, aggressive and abusive than women, yet somehow there's all these mythical women everywhere using their kids as weapons 🤔🤔🤔

ClaryFray · 17/12/2017 11:26

Who knows what's gone on there? But he has his reasons. Maybe keep out of it. Your not having children with him.

Firesuit · 17/12/2017 11:27

What sanction is there for a RP who doesn't comply with a court order? Unless she's well-off, she can't really be fined or sued. I doubt she would be jailed. I suspect a court wouldn't usually consider making the father RP instead.

(This is a genuine question, I know nothing about it, no knowledge or experience of how the law works in this context, other than from what what I read here.)

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 17/12/2017 11:29

Firesuit he is spending presumably thousands on a wedding, only a shit dad would rather do that than fight for access. Saying "well it'll be too expensive so what's the point" is a crap excuse when you do have the means to afford it

Blackteadrinker77 · 17/12/2017 11:30

I'm just glad you're not my friend.

He pays for children through the CSA, has no contact because his ex won't allow it and his new to be wife's friends sees fit to flame him on line.

stitchglitched · 17/12/2017 11:30

It is about 215 pounds to make an application to court for contact I believe, with reductions for low income/ benefits. You can self represent for free. You are expected to attend a mediation appointment first. He could have looked into it, a quick google would give this information. Would you not even take a quick look at what how the process worked before deciding not to bother seeing your children? Long protracted legal battles can be overwhelming but he hasn't even taken any basic steps. So either he doesn't care that much or there is more to him not seeing them than he is letting on.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 17/12/2017 11:30

Courts take breaching court orders very seriously and yes they would transfer care to the father if the mother did not comply with the order. It happens.

expatinscotland · 17/12/2017 11:33

'The reason is that his ex won’t allow it.'

Classic line right there. Sounds like the two of them are made for each other.

Whinesalot · 17/12/2017 11:33

I would have to say something too. If she refuses then to ignore that red flag then at least I know I've tried. If they have kids together it'll probably be history repeating itself.

I'd also lose a little bit of respect for her and a lot for him

stitchglitched · 17/12/2017 11:38

'The ex won't allow contact' sometimes means they won't allow it on my terms so I'm not going to bother seeing the kids at all then. I've heard men making that claim when actually ex just wasn't willing to hand over a very young breastfed baby overnight, or didn't agree that 50-50 was in their child's best interests at that stage.

stitchglitched · 17/12/2017 11:38

'The ex won't allow contact' sometimes means they won't allow it on my terms so I'm not going to bother seeing the kids at all then. I've heard men making that claim when actually ex just wasn't willing to hand over a very young breastfed baby overnight, or didn't agree that 50-50 was in their child's best interests at that stage.