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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that I’m uncomfortable with money for wedding but none to see children?

126 replies

sparkly01 · 16/12/2017 22:32

I don’t think I am BU. Willing to accept if I am however.

Here goes, my BF is planning a wedding. Her soon to be DH has children from a past relationship that he doesn’t have any contact with. The reason is that his ex won’t allow it. As far as I am aware they haven’t done mediation. He’s not contacted a solicitor to see the children due to cost. However, they are now getting married and he is working overtime etc to help pay for the wedding. I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with this. My BF said I’m out of order for saying this. The thing is, I do actually like her soon to be DH and I find it very difficult to just be alright with the fact they have prioritised a wedding above his children. I know it’s none of my business really, but I am quite confused about how you could have money for one and not the other.

What does mumsnet jury think?

OP posts:
allthegoodusernameshavegone · 16/12/2017 23:26

Why are you even bothered?

mehhh · 16/12/2017 23:26

Yanbu to think it as I would think the same, but save your friendship and just accept he's selfish and a shit dad, you can't change that

Nyx1 · 16/12/2017 23:26

He might be putting money aside for them later in life
I've known a couple of guys do this

Toffeelatteplease · 16/12/2017 23:30

I would totally judge.

Her and him

I would look at her in a totally different light. For all the reasons you've given

gamerwidow · 16/12/2017 23:30

It isn’t you business BUT I also think if he actually cared that much about seeing his kids he would prioritise the solicitor fees above his wedding savings.
I think it’s very convenient to say he can’t afford a solicitor and I wouldn’t want to be with a man who could just walk away from his kids.
Your views aren’t unreasonable but they are best not shared with your friend.

Buttercupsandaisies · 16/12/2017 23:30

If he's paying for the child and the ex is preventing contact, then that doesn't necessarily mean he's a shit dad. The ex may be a shit mum who wants to be vindictive. There's plenty about!

Kpo58 · 16/12/2017 23:33

If he has a vindictive ex, it doesn't matter how much money he spends on solicitors and going to court, he still won't be able to seen his children. If this is the case, why not spend some money on a wedding, rather than pouring it into a black hole?

Postsynapticdensity · 16/12/2017 23:33

There's probably a number of reasons why spending money on a nasty and perhaps pointless battle with lawyers feels bad and why spending it on a wedding instead feels good and they are both most likely none of your business.

Whether it fits with your values or not, or whether it is the right or the wrong thing to do, it's clearly your friend's choice (her husband's to be actually). What will you achieve by questioning it?

Original poster
sparkly01 · 16/12/2017 23:35

She may well be a vindictive woman, as you say there are lots about. But I would say that’s even more reason to do something about it, because if that’s the only reason from keeping DC from their DF then it’s unlikely that will go down well in a court room.

Lesson learnt though - keep mouth shut in future. It makes me feel like I’m really two faced though?!

OP posts:
Kpo58 · 16/12/2017 23:38

Let's say the courts order access. The mother can simply prevent the children from going to their dads (by either not opening the front door or by taking them out for the day). The dad's only option is to go back to the courts and waste more time and money for the same thing to keep happening.

Original poster
sparkly01 · 16/12/2017 23:43

I think they are much harsher on that these days (I might be wrong). There was some kind of shift in the system a few years ago. What with cafcass etc..

Anyway mumsnetters thanks for a dose of relality, didn’t want to ask my other friends as don’t want to drag them into it. Nice to have somewhere to come to have honest feedback.

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 16/12/2017 23:59

"My ex won't let me see them" is the standard deadbeat dad response. It's not as of mother's just decide you can't see the kids and 'poof!' it happens. Highly highly likely he either just doesn't care or isn't allowed to see them for a good reason (but they never say that to other people funnily enough). Either way I'd be concerned that my friend was marrying (and presumably planning children with) a man like that.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 17/12/2017 00:01

I think YA massively U. If what he says is true, I can't imagine the agony of paying all your money to go to court and be thwarted by a vindictive ex.

He probably finds it less painful to let the whole thing slide.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/12/2017 00:01

Yanbu I would feel the same

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 17/12/2017 00:02

If he has a vindictive ex, it doesn't matter how much money he spends on solicitors and going to court, he still won't be able to seen his children

Bollocks. If he obtains a court order against his ex this gets taken very seriously, and sets out very specific times and circumstances for contact. He can obtain one by the sounds of it, he obviously just doesn't want to enough

stitchglitched · 17/12/2017 00:08

I could understand people saying how difficult lengthy legal battles are etc if he had tried the legal route and been thwarted in his attempts at contact but this man has never made a single application for contact or even one mediation appointment? I'd be judging too in those circumstances. It sounds a bit out of sight out of mind where his kids are concerned. Yeah it isn't any of your business but I wouldn't be joining in with chat about expensive wedding plans, I'd just back away a bit.

Mrscaindingle · 17/12/2017 00:14

My ex won't let me see them" is the standard dead beat dad response

This^

I would think the same as you op but wouldn't have voiced it as they are not going to suddenly see the light because you brought it up and will be on the defensive. They believe this because it's easier than facing up to the fact that he might not be a great dad.

Gemini69 · 17/12/2017 00:26

all of the above may or may not be true.....

but tarnishing her wedding day and voicing this to your friend has achieved what exactly Xmas Hmm

KeepServingTheDrinks · 17/12/2017 00:37

but tarnishing her wedding day and voicing this to your friend has achieved what exactly

Well... your integrity.

One of my friends is this REALLY down-to-earth practical woman (she's lovely. Absolutely NO navel-gazing or introspection, so she'd have NO time for MN!) and she once said "I don't understand why a man would leave his family for a younger woman.... she'll just want a baby herself and it'll all just start again"

So I think you're right to be concerned for your friend. A man who can ignore his kids once can certainly do it again.

PutUpWithRain · 17/12/2017 00:38

I'm on your side OP. It just wouldn't sit well with me. I appreciate none of us are well-informed enough to know the real facts of the situation, but I would have a problem with a man who prioritises his spending on a wedding over access to his children.

You friend being so defensive makes me wonder a bit if she knows deep down that it's a shit thing to do, but doesn't want to face up to it.

As you say, it comes down to priorities. He's working overtime for his wedding, but not to see his children.

Savethebadgers89 · 17/12/2017 00:42

I would just be happy for her :) Life is so short, if the children have a stable mother then they will also be fine. Support her in her future and share her happiness in it :)

RestingGrinchFace · 17/12/2017 00:45

If things are as you say they are then she is incredibly stupid for marrying him.

Shadow666 · 17/12/2017 00:54

Wow, it was certainly brave of you to say something but you must have known she'd react badly. I'd apologise for upsetting her.

tillytown · 17/12/2017 01:37

I agree with you. The vindictive ex stopping contact is nonsense, even when there is proven abuse, contact is still given. It might be supervised, but its still given. As others have said, he sounds like a shit dad.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/12/2017 01:43

I’m as ‘outspoken’ in ‘Real Life’ as I am on here. I don’t pussy foot about with friends and don’t expect them to pussyfoot around with me.

I’d be questioning her about why she isn’t seeing this as a HUGE Red Flag. and I know my friends would be asking me the same.