Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

[mulledoverwine]

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

Boynamedsue. I think those issues are equal most women who keep their name do surely?
I’m married my name is Ms my surname

Mxyzptkl: Yes, I have thought of doing that and I probably will. God, everything just costs so much, though. Getting divorced, deed polls, marriage, replacing documentation etc. This time I'm getting a simple registrar ceremony for just the two of us and DS, though. Perhaps in our own home or the registry office. No big wedding like with XDH. What a waste of money that was!

I like the concept of a wedding ring, though, for both sexes. Easier to see who's single and who is not, from both the single and the married person's point of view. However, this still leaves out people in relationships (who aren't married) and those who can't/don't like to wear their rings. Many years ago I was interested in a distant co-worker I didn't know very well. I tried to check his hand for a ring. As it turned out, he didn't have a ring finger (amputated), so couldn't really wear a ring. I was left wondering whether he was single or not, while trying to gather courage to ask!

@mulledoverwine
Would like to add, don't see any problem with women taking husband's name. Personal choice. Think you're being judgmental!

It is weirdly convenient that so many women have horrible maiden names and men have lovely surnames.
Yet somehow absolute shockers continue to get passed on..

betterthanabox I agree the issues are of equal weight. I went with Mrs my name /husbands name, as did he. I use Mrs because I believe all women should be Mrs like they do in France. Yes I use Mrs for my dd who is 5 but I appreciate others prefer Ms or miss.

I don’t know any other women that have considered keeping their maiden name, which is a shame but none of my business. I don’t care if they change it, I just wish they felt they had a choice!

People still assume I just haven’t got round to changing mine and keep asking when I will - slightly aggravating

As for Christmas cards though, all addressed to Mr and Mrs hisname and it doesn’t bother me at all, think it’s quite cute actually.

People saying they changed their names because they wanted the same name as their children... Why didn't you just give your children your maiden name?!

The reason is that we default to the father's name. The reason we default to the father's name is because it is our culture to - a culture built on the Patriarchy.

You think you had a choice. But you didn't really... Because you wanted the same name as your kids, and your kids had to have their dad's name, so you had no choice but to change your name.

I get that threads like these make women who changed their names cross. I guess it's because no one likes feeling like their decisions are being judged. Changing your name is absolutely not a feminist thing to do. Its not the worst thing in the world, but it's not feminist.

Ms is the neutral equivalent. It negates the need for miss/Mrs. Doesn’t show marital status.
Why do you use Mrs instead of Ms?

itsbetterthanabox they will but a man who is taking his wife's name will remain a Mr but a woman would go from a miss to a Ms. Probably a different thread but as mentioned above I changed my name for personal reasons, didn't think I should have to change my title. Probably going off on a bit of a tangent tho!

It’s a choice. It’s not compulsory and it’s nobody else’s business. End of.

What if your fiancés last name was Dick or something equally bad?

Boynamedsue
No I was Ms before I was married. Ms is for all women. It’s just stopping calling girls Miss that’s the issue.
I’ve been Ms since I had the choice and will remain Ms.

betterthanabox because Ms isn't neutral. It's meant to be but it isn't. While their are choices none can be neutral like Mr is. They all 'say' something. Too many women would never give up Mrs in order to get everyone to change to Ms so the logical step is to make everyone Mrs...(I appreciate there's a whole other discussion about the need for titles in the first place)

a man who is taking his wife's name will remain a Mr but a woman would go from a miss to a Ms

Fuck that! My dp is taking my name but I will still refer to myself as Mrs!

What does Ms say? I know people think it means divorced but that’ll be solved if more young women and girls use it.

Stickthatinyourpipe.
Why?

betterthanabox traditionally it was divorced women and lesbians aka women without an owner.

Mostly now it means the kind of women who doesn't want you to know if she's married or not. Probably some kind of feminist maybe upitty.

None of those things are bad but they ain't neutral like Mr is.

I wish my life was so simple, that I had time and energy to become “enraged” over whether a woman takes their husband’s name or not.

For the record I have not met married woman who hasn’t taken their husbands name.

I've used Ms as single, married and separating/divorcing person. I think it's the best alternative and ambiguous enough for any "status". Maybe I feel like that, because I'm foreign, though. In my country there's no equivalent for Ms, so I jumped at the chance here. Tbf, in my country titles are rarely used, so kind of antiquated.

itsbetterthanabox I completely agree. Ms should be the default and miss and Mrs scrapped, but it's not. That's really my point, a name can be your choice but as long as we accept miss/Mrs we're accepting patriarchy.

Frillyhorsey
Nice to meet you.

Maybe it's time men were encouraged to change their name on marriage, it's women that bear the children after all so it would make sense if they were automatically given their mothers name. soapboxqueen I don't understand how ms is not neutral? I have been married 30 years but I have been calling myself ms since I was about 12, to me it says nothing about my marital status. Am I missing something?

It says something because you chose it. It isn't neutral. While there are options, none of them are neutral. We need one and only one.

you didn't actually answer the question there
I didn’t think it needed further spelling out, but if you insist. Men who don’t like their names generally get on with living with it. There is little opportunity for them to change it without a whole lot of questioning, confusion and hassle (the same way as women who don’t like their first names)

The reaction to a man who does adopt this wife’s sir name is that they are whipped, under the thumb “oh you can see who wears the trousers....” etc etc. Mainly by people who judge other people based on their own warped idea of what is right but who, in fact are completely wrong.

But you knew that already.

Laughed like a drain at cards for "Master DS LivingDoll". Master! It's such a ridiculous thing, titles. Why do we need them nowadays? For establishing sex with ambiguous names like Robin? To assert status? Why would anyone out of your work/professional life need to know you're "Rev." or "Dr"?