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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:

WhyDidIEatThat · 16/12/2017 00:06

"If we have children, they'll have both surnames - Not just his and not just mine." That's great but what if I had done that with my kids, and one of your kids met one of mine and the two get married, do they end up with four surnames?

If Cristina Peri Rossi married, say, Gabriel García Márquez (if he wasn’t dead obviously) and they’d had babies they’d usually be called whatever first name eg Emma or Victoria or whatever García Peri, the first surname from each parent?

BunsOfAnarchy · 16/12/2017 00:06

Lol @Abbotswood

You may think you know all the answers but sadly they don't apply to all.
My husband never asked me to change my maiden name. No assumption was ever even made by him. Not once. But after 2 years i just wanted to. Wanted to start a family and like i said in a previous reply I want to have the same name as my kids. But I don't see why I should make a whole new name up. That's reserved for their first name lol.
So this year I changed to his surname. But I never dropped my maiden name. It's now a middle name. It's still on every document, every letter, every form of ID.
Professionaly I'm known by my maiden name. That will never change. No one in my line of work or professional field know my new surname. No need.
I now want my children to have my new surname. Because we are a family. Simple.

I can see how it looks like a knife to the throat of feminism...but it really isn't. Yes there's the whole 'why did u choose to take his and not have your hubby and kids have your name instead'.
I went with his name because I wanted to. And I've still kept mine in the process. That's just how i wanted it and it's how i like it. And sharing the same name between us is nice

But I won't slate you lol I do get where you are coming from. I just think we have differing views and attitudes to it.

Also. I didn't think he deserved to have my fabulous maiden name. I feel like he hasn't earned the right to be mr bunsofanarchy

soapboxqueen · 16/12/2017 00:07

I don't wear a wedding ring either.

MargaretCavendish · 16/12/2017 00:07

I have absolutely no problem with whether or not other women choose to change their names - it's no business of mine - but I wish people would stop saying that it's a choice between your husband's name or your father's. By that logic it's a choice between your father's name or your father-in-law's, since your husband probably also got his name from his dad. The only way you can think a woman has her father's name but a man just has 'his' name is if you think that men own names but women just temporarily borrow other people's.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 16/12/2017 00:09

*What I do find slightly amusing is that there are two narratives here

When you change your name on marriage you are creating a family name - it isn't just his name anymore.

and

If you don't change your name, you are just keeping your father's name. If it is a family name on marriage surely she is keeping her "mother's" name as much as her father's??*

this argument works exactly the same in reverse though. If you want to keep the name you were give at birth, then surely it's because you feel that is your family name, and not just the name of your paternal lineage. So then, if you are planning on having a family, why would taking your husbands name not be a family name?

MirriVan · 16/12/2017 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ForagingForFaerieGold · 16/12/2017 00:09

Ha! You'd love me. I told my fiancé years ago I wasn't changing my name. So he changed his. (We never actually got married in the end). My DH now uses my name informally but not at work. My DD had my name.

But it's a personal choice surely? I don't care what other women choose as long as it's what they want.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 16/12/2017 00:09

bold fail

Boynamedsue · 16/12/2017 00:09

DH actually assumed I wouldn't change my name but understood my reasons why. I had a choice, I made it myself. That's feminism. So don't judge me on my name

MargaretCavendish · 16/12/2017 00:09

I was sort of hoping to raise children with enough gumption that they can figure this sort of problem out for themselves. Life's going to be pretty tough for them anyway if this kind of thing is an insurmountable obstacle!

Dippydippydora · 16/12/2017 00:11

I changed my names because I wanted to have the same surname as my husband and my children.
Also
I love my husband deeply and love being married to him. I love it that he is there for me and I for him. I always feel protected around him as I know he would do anything for me
Apparently now the above is thought of as anti feminist- well a might be but I am happy

Enko · 16/12/2017 00:13

I wear a wedding ring. So does my dh.. He wears his more than I do mine as I am not permitted to wear it at work (elf and safety stuff )

SilverDoe · 16/12/2017 00:17

Why is it that as soon as they get a wedding ring on their finger they suddenly become Mrs MyHusbandsFirstInitial MyHusbandsSurname.

What the actual fuck? Where on earth do you get off making this statement? You literally have no idea, no personal knowledge, about the vast majority of women in the country. What on earth gives you the authority to say "they" act like that.

Why on earth wouldn't I want my children to share my name? But more importantly, why does anybody, male or female, have to justify their reasoning to you? You have got plenty of responses on this thread with a similar reaction to the comments you are making and yet you still have the arrogance to feel you are owed an explanation...

ConfusedLivingDoll · 16/12/2017 00:19

DP wants to change his first name too. But again, hassle, and a bit overdue. He's in his 50's and everyone knows him by his current name (also his chosen first name is a bit juvenile and he probably knows it, so is putting it off as a bit of a fantasy).

Originalfoogirl · 16/12/2017 00:22

why do so few men do it? Lots of women hate their first name but never change it.

But, as usual, those who want to claim they are better feminists than everyone else will just keep trotting out the tired arguments and ranting about how subservient the name changers are. So keep your name if it bothers you that much. The rest of us understand that what you do has no bearing on how we live our lives.

FWIW I changed to Mr Foo’s name because it really is so much better than mine.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/12/2017 00:26

I didn't say you were patronising, MirriVan, I said you were deriding women for their choices and you were with that first post. It's a fair point to say that I wouldn't expect you to understand because I don't think you do. You obviously think it's fine to dictate to other women how they should behave and how they should fit into your way of thinking. I disagree with that.

You have the choice to do as you please with regard to changing your name or not. I'm not sure where 'fighting it' comes in because other women also have that choice. Would you take it away from them?

This bit isn't aimed at you but there is a distinct hectoring tone that is prevalent on any thread that feminism appears on. It was the same with the shaving/waxing thread and it will probably be the same with this one.

If 'fighting' means engaging and discussing then I'm all for that. The 'bear baiting' not at all. That does happen here.

soapboxqueen · 16/12/2017 00:27

original you didn't actually answer the question there.

StickThatInYourPipe · 16/12/2017 00:28

But WHY are the women changing their names?? Why not the men?

My dp is taking my name as his is god awful. I would have loved to change mine but I really really hate his surname sadly.

That being said i really couldn’t care less what people write on an envelope, I just use first names but it all goes in the bin - why let it upset you? At least you like the person whose name they are calling you!

Seems to mainly be a generation thing anyway, one day we will get rid of Mr/Miss/Mrs etc I think it’s sad but it’s the way it’s going.

MargaretCavendish · 16/12/2017 00:29

I changed my names because I wanted to have the same surname as my husband and my children.
Also
I love my husband deeply and love being married to him. I love it that he is there for me and I for him. I always feel protected around him as I know he would do anything for me

I have been inspired by your listing of unconnected facts.

I love my husband. He is kind, clever and funny.
Also
My favourite type of cheese is stilton.

MirriVan · 16/12/2017 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsbetterthanabox · 16/12/2017 00:31

Agree op.
With xmas cards though I Just write both the couples first names on it.
Those saying ‘I wanted to have the same name as my children’ the children can have your surname.

Boynamedsue · 16/12/2017 00:32

I think miss/Mrs as opposed to the male Mr is far more of an issue than a name. You can call yourself what the hell you like but why are only women defined by their marital status.

toastytea · 16/12/2017 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 16/12/2017 00:32

I didn't like my maiden name - funny how so few men trot this one out

That's because my DH had a relatively boring, ordinary one and I had spent my school days being taunted remorselessly about mine.

Though what that has to do with anyone but us I have no idea.

violetsue · 16/12/2017 00:33

Calm down, in a hundred years time none of it will matter.

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