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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm Hmm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 16/12/2017 01:06

original It isn't hard because my husband did it. Took the same amount of effort as it did me.

Your explanation proves my point. That women changing their names in vastly different ratios to men is not a 'free choice' made in some social vacuum so thank you.

Enko · 16/12/2017 01:06

Why didn't you just give your children your maiden name?!
Again My maidenname (birthname) was slang for penis in English I didn't feel like that was a great name to give my children.

What if your fiancés last name was Dick or something equally bad?
Well my dh didn't take my name when we married (though lots of his friends thought it was hilarious to suggest) I do have a friend who married Mr Dick and no she didn't take his surname their children do not have his surname either. Another woman I know however married Mr Dicker and did take his surname.

Each to their own. For me I didn't want to be the Scandinavian girl with penis for a surname living in the UK. The great thing there is " I had a choice and I CHOOSE an option I liked. " I do not expect others to pick that option I do not expect others to want that option " I DO expect them to respect " my " decision..

sadly many on this thread who claims feminism do not seem to have that respect for the choice I made yet I am meant to respect their views with no question???

Not how I understand feminism.......

deadringer · 16/12/2017 01:09

I do think miss and Mrs should be scrapped, I assume it was traditionally a way of knowing who a woman belonged to, her husband or her father, it really is very outdated to still use them imo.

ConfusedLivingDoll · 16/12/2017 01:09

Enjoy, I come from Scandinavia too! Trying to guess your surname...

Proudmummytodc2 · 16/12/2017 01:09

I get married next year and because I want to change my name I will be.

My kids have my DP name because the names I really wanted to call them and did call them didn't suit my stupid surname and my surname goes with my DP surname.

My DP offered to change his name to mine but I said no because it sounds really bloody stupid and my DS has the same name as him.

All our names go with DP surname but not mine and I'd rather change mine anyway.

I don't see how this has any affect on anyone else's life but mine though so therefor my choice to change my name.

So in conclusion I am changing my name because i want to and I can because it is my choice to change it to what I want to be called.

ConfusedLivingDoll · 16/12/2017 01:11

"Enko" , I mean!!! Stupid autocorrect

soapboxqueen · 16/12/2017 01:15

Enko you do understand that feminism isn't just about you? It's about all women, everywhere. We all have to accept that things that work for us personally, may be problematic on a different level.

I am a stay at home mum. There is no avoiding it because of my circumstances. It's what is working for us. However I have to accept that on a societal level, I represent something that doesn't help women as a class. I am financially dependent on my husband, my career is ebbing away and my pension will be non-existent. That doesn't mean I don't understand and support women when they say 'we have a problem that so many women end up in caring roles and losing their careers' or that men should be taking these roles equally. I can do that because I know it isn't a personal attack in me.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/12/2017 01:18

"Feminism is supposed to be about choice iimo"

That's something that keeps being banded about. Feminism isn't just about choice. Also, women are not making this 'choice' in a vacuum, they're doing it in a patriarchal context. If it was a choice there'd be as many men changing their names. Only two men of my acquaintance have taken their wives' names and both of those have taken them in addition to their own rather than instead of.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/12/2017 01:20

"Your explanation proves my point. That women changing their names in vastly different ratios to men is not a 'free choice' made in some social vacuum so thank you."

Sorry, cross posted with this.

OP, you're completely right. It's shocking that this is so common in this day and age. I think a lot of people just don't question it as it's what they're used to, but if you come from a family where it's not done or you've lived in a country where it's not the norm, it's pretty shocking.

pallisers · 16/12/2017 01:31

I think Mrs and Miss must be still used extensively in the UK.

In the US where I live (and just where I live - urban northeast) every woman seems to use Ms. whether married, single, divorced, using her original name, husband's name ex husbands name etc. My teenage daughters use Ms. too. It is the neutral option.

echt · 16/12/2017 01:33

Do you not mind being publicly branded as someone else's goods?

This only works if you think that being married actually does make you someone else's goods, and the rings are the outward and repulsive sign. Is that what you think marriage is, Pop?

soapboxqueen · 16/12/2017 01:37

Mrs/miss are still extensively used which is why I think the French solution is better.

It's a bit like Harry Potter 'none can live while the other survives'. While there is choice, none are neutral. I just think it'll be an easier game to make everyone Mrs than make some Mrs into Ms.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/12/2017 01:38

Pallisers - I wish Ms would catch on like that here. It's used extensively in the workplace when you don't know a woman's marital status, but rarely used socially. I use Ms, but I do recognise that it's difficult to pronounce so don't mind getting Miss or Mrs though I'm never really called by my title, except in letters.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/12/2017 01:39

"I just think it'll be an easier game to make everyone Mrs than make some Mrs into Ms."

Not for those of us who don't want to be called Mrs!

soapboxqueen · 16/12/2017 01:41

I understand that Gwen but I think the proportion of women who would stick their heels in over Mrs is far greater than the women who would do so over Ms.

If all women are Mrs it will then be truely neutral.

AnUtterIdiot · 16/12/2017 01:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pallisers · 16/12/2017 01:44

Gwen it is only reading on MN that I realised Ms. wasn't the norm the way it is where I am.

I would not want to be a Mrs. That to me is the centuries-used honorific of a married woman. I want an honorific that is for every woman.

guest477337 · 16/12/2017 01:46

Bore off

echt · 16/12/2017 02:39

I use Ms, but I do recognise that it's difficult to pronounce so don't mind getting Miss or Mrs though I'm never really called by my title, except in letters

Ms isn't difficult to pronounce, does Mrs look like Missus? Does Mr look like Mister?
Ms/Miz. Fuckit. Doesn't matter, just arses who make an obstacle of the whole thing.

pallisers · 16/12/2017 02:57

Bore off

master of wit and repartee. Under any name

MrsDilber · 16/12/2017 04:37

My married name is terrible, my maiden name was fab. I'm glad I name changed, as all my family have the same surname, and I like that.

If a card comes through the door with my husbands initial, it's usually off his side. If it comes through with my initial, it's usually from my side or friend of mine. I can't remember ever being called Mrs "his name" surname.

loopdeeloo · 16/12/2017 04:58

I was happy to get rid of my old name. Was a pain to spell. Also like having same name as my dd. My passport still isn’t in my new name and always get asked if dd is mine at the airport as well which can be annoying.
I don’t judge what anyone else does.
I also don’t wear a wedding ring though as I think that’s a chain around my finger showing everyone I’m someone else’s property. (I do have one and a big fat diamond engagement ring but again I still won’t wear them)...

GinIsIn · 16/12/2017 05:15

OP you’ve said several times you are ‘a feminist’. I don’t think you actually understand what feminism means. It means the right to equal opportunities. The right to choice. The right to freedom of thought. It does NOT mean you get to have a fixed idea then beat other women with a stick for not fitting in with your narrow mindset.

echt · 16/12/2017 05:36

I was happy to get rid of my old name. Was a pain to spell. Also like having same name as my dd

Apart from your not liking your old name, a woman, married or not, can have the same name as her child. I was married, and our daughter has my name.

I also don’t wear a wedding ring though as I think that’s a chain around my finger showing everyone I’m someone else’s property

You appear to be saying that being married, which you are, makes a woman a man's property, while you merely wish to avoid its visible aspects.

Louiselouie0890 · 16/12/2017 07:09

A woman doesn't loose her identity because she chose to take his name. There's more to a person than a surname.

Why wouldnt you want to have the same as your children?

Why would you have coffee instead of tea.....it's a stupid question OP move on.

P.s a feminist would support a woman's choice either way!