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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm Hmm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:
wictional · 15/12/2017 23:51

If you ‘want to shake’ other women for their choices, then you need to shake up your idea of feminism.

Samcro · 15/12/2017 23:51

AS the op

MirriVan · 15/12/2017 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InionEile · 15/12/2017 23:53

Also: a German friend of mine took his wife's name when they got married because his surname reminded him of his Nazi grandfather who had been in the SS whereas his Italian wife had a very pretty surname with no bad connotations. He saw it as a fresh start. Some would see it as some extreme feminist move but he just really hated his surname for the above reason. And it was also a very common, boring German name that lots of people have. People can change their names for all kinds of reasons!

pallisers · 15/12/2017 23:54

I couldn't care less what any other woman does but I didn't change my name and I also find it a bit strange that women do change their names - just odd to be one name well into adulthood and then suddenly another. I do understand the historical and societal roots though. In the Irish language it is even clearer as you change from being "daughter of" to "wife of"

No shaking required though - people can do what they want. I am of a generation where very few of my friends changed on marriage - none really that I know, except my sister. I think changing names has become fashionable again.

What I do find slightly amusing is that there are two narratives here

  1. When you change your name on marriage you are creating a family name - it isn't just his name anymore.

and

  1. If you don't change your name, you are just keeping your father's name. If it is a family name on marriage surely she is keeping her "mother's" name as much as her father's??
mooncuppy · 15/12/2017 23:55

Op you are an asshole

Completely unwarranted.

I'm with you OP. I absolutely cannot understand attitudes like this. No, its not just because millions of women just want to. How come men never have negative associations with their surname, absolutely hate it and have been waiting to change it their entire lives, or simply just want to change their surnames and use marriage as the perfect excuse?

echt · 15/12/2017 23:56

I've always used my surname, yet found that being widowed last year triggered subsequent birthday and Christmas cards being addressed to Mrsechthusband by quite a few people who had known me for years. Hmm

lorelairoryemily · 15/12/2017 23:56

@mooncuppy that's just my opinion, I feel it is warranted and it's fine for you to disagree😊

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2017 23:56

soapboxqueen of course it would be up to them what to do but I just think eventually it could get difficult.

InionEile · 15/12/2017 23:57

See my post above mooncuppy - although, yes, I admit my friend is probably in a minority, partly for reasons of social pressure. He's not the only man I know who has done this though.

AgainPlease · 15/12/2017 23:57

Oh do fuck off. I don’t judge you for keeping your maiden name so don’t judge me for changing mine. I couldn’t wait to get rid of my maiden name that was passed to me by my abusive father. It’s foreign, awkward, hard to spell, and hard to pronounce. I have no attachment to it whatsoever.

I love that my husband and I share the same surname. We are a team, a unit, a family.

Also..

Marriage isn't outdated unfortunately. It's the only way to have financial security in a relationship where one party is more financially unsecure than the other.

I thought men and women were equal Hmm

mooncuppy · 15/12/2017 23:58

Inion

Yes, its a good anecdote, but you must agree that the percentage of men who do this is negligible compared to the percentage of women who do and claim it's due to the reasons above.

SilverDoe · 15/12/2017 23:58

It's true it may not be as much of a choice because of it being embedded in our culture, but I do like to think that we are progressive enough as a generation to be able to at least discuss upon marriage different options.

Also, regardless of your views on it being personal choice or not, it's still not okay for the OP to so strongly admonish the idea of any woman changing her name upon marriage.

"Shaking women" for making stupid choices according to her opinion on the matter and her opinion alone. Very feminist indeed!

Boynamedsue · 15/12/2017 23:58

And just to add, I didn't change it before because I didn't want to explain myself to other people why I was changing my name. Yes, I should just tell them to mind their own business but I didn't need it bringing up time and time again with family/friends/at work. Because in the real world people do ask.

And for what it's worth my friend just got married and her husband has taken her name. Because his was a bit silly.

pallisers · 15/12/2017 23:58

it is also extraordinary on these threads the sheer number of women who hate their names/have long unpronounceable/foreign/rude names. What do their brothers do?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2017 23:59

Let me see, MirriVan, there's a lot of 'you've been heavily influenced' and an awful lot of 'I would do this' and 'I would do that'. Presumably your choices are correct and any other choices are just er... not correct?

Women (and men) choose to change names or not, for whatever reasons why want to. They don't have to explain those decisions to you or anybody else.

The way you and others have posted is to deride other women's choices. I don't expect you to understand that, but that is what you're doing. I have no idea what your motive is for posting but the OP meant to be goady and was foiled by her drunkenness so has left the thread.

pallisers · 16/12/2017 00:00

I thought men and women were equal hmm

Did you also think men and women were treated equally and have the same equal opportunities in life?

Mxyzptlk · 16/12/2017 00:00

DP hates his name as it's his abusive father's and suggested we make up a new name. But then would lose connection to DS. Maybe double barrel with XDH's? It'd be odd, but what can you do!

Create a new name for you and DP, then double barrel it for DS?

DS would then have connection to his dad as well as to you and DP.

soapboxqueen · 16/12/2017 00:01

Not exactly an even split really

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!
mooncuppy · 16/12/2017 00:02

it is also extraordinary on these threads the sheer number of women who hate their names/have long unpronounceable/foreign/rude names. What do their brothers do?

This, a thousand times.

Enko · 16/12/2017 00:02

it is also extraordinary on these threads the sheer number of women who hate their names/have long unpronounceable/foreign/rude names. What do their brothers do?

I can't speak for everyone's brothers but " my " brother took his girlfriends surname by deedpool (they have never married) Because he felt similarly about that surname.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/12/2017 00:03

What would happen say, should a Miss Brown decide to marry a Mr Brown? I imagine the reverberations would be felt across the globe? Shock

PopGoesTheWeaz · 16/12/2017 00:03

Everytime this comes up on mumsnet (which is far too often) i'm always surprised at how judgey people are (when will I learn).

My thing that I am secretly judgy about is women wearing wedding rings. Do you not mind being publicly branded as someone else's goods? You might think its romanitc but if that isn't serving the patriarchy, I don't know what is.

(Whats the srcasm emoji again?)

ConfusedLivingDoll · 16/12/2017 00:04

My brother stayed in the foreign country I came from, so he's got no need to change for ease and understandability. Also he doesn't dislike the name, as I did. Getting married is a convenient time to change name, as it's somewhat expected and easier than at other times in terms of paperwork, if I remember correctly.

notacooldad · 16/12/2017 00:05

I have been on MN for over 6 years. I personally haven't seen a Christmas card thread like this. If you don't like it, don't post.
Blimey, you mustn't have come on during the Christmas period. The threads are normally next to MIL coming over for Christmas and amusing a disabled toilet in an emergency ones!

Seriously ground hog date , this thread!