Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

[mulledoverwine]

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

My parents have just sent us a Christmas card, to Mr & Mrs DH Initial Surname. I didn't change my name when we got married, and have told my mum this on numerous occasions.

If she does this with my birthday card next month I will be fighting temptation to send it back with "not known at this address" on it.

I chose to marry my husband because he had a lovely surname

Did his sisters keep their lovely surname then?

Bingo! just got a "Mr and Mrs hisname hisname" card from ... my own uncle.

I did not change my name on marriage.

Sorry but its got sweet FA to do with you why women such as myself and many others decide to take husbands name, can't believe something that doesn't even affect you gives you the rage, get a grip!
Your ambition for feminism can have a negative effect.

IT DOES AFFECT HER. CANCEL THE CHEQUE.

Sorry for the capitals but this has been explained at least a dozen times now. Most recently just a few posts ago.

It's also dancing perilously close to the sort of telling women how to do feminism that she feels is turning some off the movement altogether...

Odd that.

My sons race to pick up the post at this time of year because when the inevitable Mr and Mrs hisinitial hissurname christmas card arrives I can rant for 30 mins without drawing breath.

I'm not even married to him!

My boys can recite the rant word for word. Does that mean they are feminists?

I kept mine. Our child has a double barrel.

It's probably not correlated in any way but seems funny that most of my SAHM friends changed their names and none of my friends who continue to work (generally in high powered careers) have.

Does that mean they are feminists?

I'm going to say Yes

Sounds like they are fed up listening to a 30 minute rant, don't think it says much about if they are feminists.

When DH I got married (last year), he took my last name, because his was the very common White, whereas mine is very uncommon (only about 6,500 people in the US with it apparently). DH also prefers my last name, he says it's nicer than the bland White (his words, not mine).

DH was worried about telling his parents, but they were both fine with it, and his dad said, "I don't blame you!"

DH took it upon himself, to send his friends and family a note card, announcing he had taken my name. It appears that some in his family didn't receive it, because I'm sure none of them have willfully ignored it, and send us Christmas cards last year and this year, addressed to Mr and Mrs HisName White.

I'm not one to judge the decision that any woman makes. It isn't progress to me, to move from men telling women what to do, to other women telling women what they should do.

I just think that the decision a woman - or as is the case for my DH, a man - makes should be respected by those who know them. And not have people to address them differently, because they don't agree with it.

Yes h have the choose to change your name or keep it. That's what feminism is.

It isn't so that some women with a chip on their shoulder can dictate to others what the 'new rules' are.

You sound domineering and hard work. Condemn yourself with your own business and stop trying to liberate women who simply want you to fuck off.

It is her business.

It's probably not correlated in any way but seems funny that most of my SAHM friends changed their names and none of my friends who continue to work (generally in high powered careers) have*

My observation isn’t sahm vs career, but i have noticed that my friends in typically “female” professions, primary school teachers, nurses, child care, arts subjects, have changed their names. My colleagues in maths and science, have not.

I am in a none typically ‘female’ profession, was in senior role before marriage and now am a director in the company and I changed my name when I got married, I know numerous teachers and people in caring professions who did not.

I'd be more inclined to think that a woman would keep her name if she had an established reputation within any given industry prior to marriage. I know quite a few prominent women that were well established with their maiden names prior to marriage so just kept it.
That said, I don't know if they use their husband's name in areas other than professional in their lives .

Gone are the days really when men were "head of the household," but when the family are all named after the DH it's a recognition of this on some level. This is why it's important to many men, my DH included, and some may feel undermined if you don't want to take their name. I admit my DH probably felt like that - it's not an ownership thing, more a sense of responsibility for the family. DH said he wanted to share his name with me. I was fine with it because I didn't want to feel "separate" by name to him of the DC and I wasn't massively attached to my maiden name anyway. That was just what I happened to be born with.

You are right Zadig.

There are a few posters getting angry at receiving cards addrsssed to Mr and Mrs HisInital HisSurname when she hasn't changed her name. It's making me think how I've sent more than 20 cards out to dh side of the family and every one I've addressed as above. I have no idea if all have changed their name but since they haven't done the courtesy of letting me know I'll go with what their parents did. So maybe people are addressing as such as they don't know and not to piss you off.

Interesting, because whenever there are threads about whether a woman not changing her name should make a point of stating that to friends and family, there are always an abundance of replies calling that rude, unnecessary, making an issue of it. In this day and age, most of us use Facebook anyway, but even keeping one's own name on there doesn't render one immune from people insisting on using the chattel form of address.

ElephantsandTigers

I'm not even married and the card gets addressed to Mr and Mrs HisInital HisSurname. People use this address despite knowing we are not even married!

Am i allowed to to think that is rude?

Moussemoose - could it be they don't know your surname?! I know my cousin's wife changed her name on marriage, but I genuinely don't know what her surname was before.

I know I've had to log in to facebook to have a little look at a few of DH's extended family's DP's surnames for cards. You get introduced as "Bob's girlfriend, Sarah" but noone tells you surnames.

but since they haven't done the courtesy of letting me know

Why on earth would i let someone know i haven’t done something? Should i make a formal announcement that i am to be known as the name i’ve always been known as? It’s not a fucking courtesy!

Why do you assume a woman changes her name unless told otherwise? That says a lot about what’s being discussed here, that it’s the default and expected of women, but not men.

Perhaps you should do me the courtesy of finding out my name. If you don’t know it, why are you sending me a christmas card? You might as well address it to “mr x and that person he married”

Iv not read all of these posts, but I plan to take my husbands name when we marry. My grandma was so so proud to carry my grandads name and I want to feel the same. I’m all for girl power and a bit of feminist I suppose me following this tradition is not minimising this in anyway, it’s my choice. A lot of my family have done the opposite. Plus I hate my maiden name, it’s a bullies dream!