Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

[mulledoverwine]

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

Margaret To be fair, I wouldn't want to wade through 800-odd posts either. But I'd just have the good grace to not post. Especially wrt 'The OP is threatening violence' FFS!

And what is a 'Worldist'? @mumof2sarah
I just want everyone in the world to have equal rights This is meaningless, this is a platitudinous statement.

We have a queen, we have a female PM, the head of the CBI is a woman, Metropolitan Police Commissioner is a woman, London fire brigade chief is a woman, Chief Exec of ITV is a woman.

Indeed, and yet misogyny is rampant as ever it was. Both my mother and my grandmother reckon it's almost worse now.

granny I'm really glad all those high profile women exist. But they are still very much in the minority.

When Obama was President, did that mean the USA had won its battle against racism?

CBA reading the thread.

Women can change their name if they want to.

That is all.

Not RTFT but I got married after I had kids. My kids originally had my maiden name too.

However, after a couple of questions from school and having to clarify that DH was also DS' father I changed our names to my husband's.

There are lots of reasons why people do change their names. I think kids can play a part so not sure if OP has mentioned if they have kids?

TheGoldenBowl, No it didn't but it did mean they had moved on from slavery and Jim Crow, it was a journey and they had come along way.

We, women, have come along way as well and I know that the world I knew in the 50s would be unrecognisable to most young women now. I remember my aunt telling my mother and aunts how she would "steal" half a crown from my uncle as he kept her short of money, not to mention a male relative taking an advert in a newspaper to announce he would no longer be responsible for his wife's debts. She found out when a local shop refused to put her shopping on her account. These humiliations weren't unusual for women let alone how women would be disgraced if they got pregnant outside marriage but it was no big deal for the man and if you were lucky he would marry you.

GoodLittleWoman, I don't share their view, women have far more opportunities and independence than in the 50s or 60s in my experience.

Was it also wrong of me to change my name from my mother's maiden name to her step-father's surname? Rejecting a female's name for that of a male.

I don't know how saying that you want everyone in the world to have equal rights is an empty statement.... That includes bme and white people, men and women, LGB etc... How is it empty? I do want that. If I just call myself a feminist, I feel like I'm denying the oppression of anyone except women - black men and disabled men face discrimination along with black women and disabled women, so they are included in my desire for people to have equal rights. That makes more sense to me than solely focusing on women - focusing on each sector that is oppressed for different reasons, while also acknowledging female oppression. Surely that's possible?

granny I'm really glad all those high profile women exist. But they are still very much in the minority. It isn't just high profile women though is it, young woman joining the police today aren't exactly high profile but they do have the opportunity to do the job and maybe one day be the Commissioner or Chief Constable.

I think children should be given their mother's surname. There's no doubt about who a child's mother is (due to biology), the mother has to carry the child for 9 months and then has to risk her life by giving birth to it. It's also usually the mother doing the lion's share of childcare.

If this happened then men would have to take the wife/girlfriend's surname for everyone to have the same "family" name.

I bet a lot of women wouldn't mind keeping their own surname in these circumstances!

ConkerGame what you have described is also wrong.

It is still a choice. You can chose to keep your maiden name. I chose to change mine.

I don't get why some are failing to see this and are tying themselves up in ridiculous knots.

There's no doubt about who a child's mother is

If you are going down that route then maybe blood tests for paternity should be done at birth, then there would be no doubt about who the father is either would there.

It is unromantic. Why don't people get off their high horse and just enjoy the day and the rest of their lives. Why start getting all equal rights about absolutely everything in life. It's boring and pathetic. Why get married if you want to be known as a seperate person. Just live in the same house. Doesn't matter if you take the husband or wife's name, just don't get what's not appealing about being seen as one family. Must be lovely for the children.

I agree with you Mulledoverwine. Although men can take the woman's last name at marriage they need a Deed Poll. I have never met a man who has done that, and most women do change their name. I kept my name because it's my name(!) and my children have a double barrelled surname. My husband insisted that his name came last. It seems to me in this day and age that it should be exactly the same procedure for the man or the woman to change their name. I don't see it as a trivial issue and have always felt strongly about it.

A lot of these posts on how women choosing to change their names to DH name or to use the title Mrs has a negative effect on other woman’s choice not to do so totally baffles me. Maybe we should focus on promoting the achievements of women rather than what they choose to call themselves as a way of promoting equality.

I am married and I, after a lot of consideration, decided I would use DH name because I wanted to. We discussed it quite a lot after we got engaged, we thought about going down the double barrel route, but my surname is the same as a first name so people would have just assumed it was a middle name, and we discussed having separate surnames. I decided I wanted to take his name.

I am the bread winner in our house and was so before we got married, I have a well established career and had so before we got married BUT I decided I would take his name and I do not regret this at all.

Do they tubby?

So a man can’t just produce his marriage certificate and legally start using his wife’s name? He has to do it by deed poll?

Ugh. Sexism and inequality there.

@Snowy1982, so your options were seperate names, double barrelling, or taking his name.

Did you not discuss him taking your name? If not, why not?

Apologies @micah, yes that did come up in discussions, but as he was the only male in his family and he wanted to be able to carry on his family name it was quickly ruled out.

The point I am trying to make is why are we focusing so much on what women are called as opposed to what women achieve. Women can change their name or not change their name to their hearts content (in fact in my friendship group I am in the minority for changing my name) but their achievements are, IMO, more important

There is no doubt about who is the father of my children.

granny
You say that women have cone a long way. I agree. Somw of the treatment you mention is long gone. Great.

But I honestly don't get the point of dwelling too much on how far we've come on a thread like this, where it's obvious that there's still a long way to go. What's the corollary to your point? We've come a long way... so...we should be satisfied? Give up now? This is as good as it gets? I'm sorry - that's not the attitude I want for my daughters. Unless you are actually arguing that we have actually arrived at a totally level playing field for men and women, I can't understand your insistence on looking back over the ground we've covered.

Again, it's not true that men need a deed poll to legally change their name. Nobody does.

snowy

You argue that women's achievements are more important than their names. Most people would agree, I imagine. But just because one thing is more important than another, does it follow that the less important thing has no importance whatsoever ?

A lot of these posts on how women choosing to change their names to DH name or to use the title Mrs has a negative effect on other woman’s choice not to do so totally baffles me.

Why does they baffle you? Is it because you don't understand the negative effect, or you do but you've decided that women experiencing it shouldn't speak about it?

TheGoldenBowl, it is all so negative and I don't think that is good for our daughters, or granddaughters. Women can use any name they want, it just isn't worth fighting about, in the 70s I was fighting for equal pay, equal access to pensions, better childcare, equality for mortgages, the right to have credit in my name, equal tax rights. People not choosing to use the name you think they should? No sorry let people choose.

People saying it is worse now is just so bloody disheartening. Why did we bother.

Maybe Greg needs to grow up and make his own decisions rather than worrying about what everybody else is doing. Like the teachers used to say, "If they jumped off the roof would you do it too Greg?"

@witcheshatrim yes sorry - I agree it should be a choice. I just meant the reason most women give for changing their name is that they want to have the same name as their children and have a "family name". If children were expected to take the mother's surname (which to my mind makes much more sense as a default, for the reasons given above) then their name would by default be the "family" name, rather than the husband's - and if they wanted to have the same name then the man would be expected to change his name, not the woman.