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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm Hmm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:
ExConstance · 18/12/2017 12:20

I didn't change my name when I got married 30+ years ago. I still call myself "Miss" as in those days people didn't understand "Ms" . We eventually decided to double barrel the children's names without a hyphen - so they have 2 surnames but I really didn't care whether they had a different name to me. DH didn't mind one way or another.
When we went to get our first mortgage the bank advisor assumed we were both married to other people and was somewhat flummoxed until we explained.

Albedo · 18/12/2017 12:20

Oh fuck off.

Yes I'm Mrs Patriarchy because I'm an unthinking stepford drone. Not like you, you're amazing, not like other women.

Now that I have to hand back my feminist card should I stop raising money for women's refuges and running talks for girls about studying STEM?

NerudaIsHeaven · 18/12/2017 12:20

Oh, and I switched to my mother's maiden name, which was HER mother's maiden name :)

mumof2sarah · 18/12/2017 12:20

My DP actually asked me when we got engaged how we wanted to do the surname thing, whether I'd be keeping my own, double barrelling, taking his, a new one completely for us both or.... whether I wanted him to take mine and then our DC take that too (we were engaged a long time and had kids before marriage in end!)
Im not a feminist or anything like that I just want everyone in the world to be treated equally and be able to make any decisions about their lives themselves without having judgement or people condemning their choices! ( I know it's a lot to want/ask 😂)

As for the whole different names thing -- my eldest actually has a different dad, he asked if he could give the baby his surname, which I agreed too (big back history involving his sick dad etc) and now he doesn't see her. She has mentioned before about having a different name and I always say a name doesn't label a person in a whole it's who the person is I've told her if she wanted to change it to ANYTHING surname wise I would support her but it was a decision for when she's old enough to do it herself. She seems happy with this, she says herself there's no different love because she's a different surname. No one in the family calls anyone else by their surnames so unless these post through the door/school work she doesn't see it/hear it.

NerudaIsHeaven · 18/12/2017 12:23

Im not a feminist or anything like that

Out of interest, what exactly do you think a feminist is?

mumof2sarah · 18/12/2017 12:25

@reallyanotherone that is an interesting view though. I think if my daughter would have said she'd have felt left out having a different name and asked to take that same name as us or didn't want me to change I think I would have considered not changing it 💁🏼 I don't know if that's hypocritical in anyway tbh on my part. I'm not doing it because it's my husbands surname and I should as such it's just something I want to do ❤️

grannytomine · 18/12/2017 12:28

I do know a man who changed his name as he didn't want his father's name, it was to do with a difficult childhood but that was all he ever said.

Personally I didn't wear a white wedding dress, didn't have bridesmaids, wasn't given away, don't wear heels but I did take my husband's name. Shake me if you like.

mumof2sarah · 18/12/2017 12:29

@NerudaIsHeaven I honestly don't know as such anymore, I just meant I'm not one for just wanting women to have equal rights I guess I'm a "worldist" ( did I just make up a word? 🙈😂) I just want everyone in the world to have equal rights and have free choice without the judgement of people who are really all for themselves/ their religion/ there sex/ sexuality/ beliefs etc. I just wish everyone would go down the route of "it's your choice"

I'm not against the OP tbh, she has an opinion and that fine, it's how it should be, and I can see her point,, to a small extent! I'm against the fact she seems really against anyone else having their own opinions or choices x

Jenala · 18/12/2017 12:29

If you have your father's surname then you're not being especially radical by keeping it. If you buy into all this it's the patriarchy thing then you should be changing your name to something else entirely.

I'm looking forward to taking my DPs name. I must not be a feminist.

CharisMama · 18/12/2017 12:32

True, and I agree, but it was the sur name most of us were raised with. So it's still more 'ours' than a man you're not related to that you might end up divorced from Grin statistically I mean, not trying to be bleak.

The name I used since infancy happens to be my father's name but what makes it my name is that I've used it since infancy. So imo it's changing the name you've ALWAYS had to a different name that is odd.

CharisMama · 18/12/2017 12:35

mumof2sarah, that's beautiful, it's like the words from a john lennon song, but shining a light up vaguely in to the sky and saying look at all the pretty stars isn't the same as shining a light on the actual problems.
Women do earn less. Mothers do end up with the brunt of the responsibility for parenthood. Women and girls are the victims of sexual crimes. Saying vaguely that you want equal rights for everybody makes you less of a threat to sexist men though so Wine there is that.

TheGoldenBowl · 18/12/2017 12:38

Albedo

No one's said you're Mrs Patriarchy or a stepford drone though. Why so defensive?

If you make one decision that isn't actively feminist, it doesn't negate all the other feminist stuff you think/do.

I changed my name. I recognise that it wasn't the most progressive thing I've ever done. But I'm still a feminist. Indeed, being able to identify patriarchal systems and negotiate them as you see fit is pretty central to feminism.

RainyApril · 18/12/2017 12:39

And that's exactly the sort of post that makes people not want to identify as a feminist.

RainyApril · 18/12/2017 12:40

Was to charismama

CharisMama · 18/12/2017 12:40

Sorry I have to come back to mumof2Sarah I can't choose to hand back any responsibility for my children above and beyond 50%, I can't choose to be paid the same as a father four desks away who never stepped out of the workplace because his partner refused to take on childcare, I can't choose to see my pension contributions equal to that same father's, I can't choose to command the same level of respect that I just don't get because I'm a woman, I can't choose to vanish away the various times I've been sexually assaulted (and I'm ''lucky'' I was not raped and did not have to suffer the torture of knowing that rape really is the crime that men can get away with, and women can't choose their way out of that).

You're living in a floaty little fantasy land if you think that you can fix all of this without having the ovaries to call yourself a feminist.

IsaSchmisa · 18/12/2017 12:40

All these posts from people saying they don't understand why OP cares. But it's been explained several times why she does, and why it's her business. So if despite this you still don't get it, that's not a reflection on anyone other than you...

NerudaIsHeaven · 18/12/2017 12:41

I just meant I'm not one for just wanting women to have equal rights

That's not what feminism is Confused

CharisMama · 18/12/2017 12:42

April Confused

I am identifying the problems that exist for women. Is that too aggressive? Men simply don't face the same issues. So saying that you're a Worldist is useless. UTTERLY useless.

MargaretCavendish · 18/12/2017 12:44

IsaSchmisa I think it's pretty clear that people are posting without even glancing through the thread, hence all the people turning up and saying 'WELL, it's just your dad's name anyway, isn't it?!' and then sitting back proud of their brand new and totally unassailable thoughts on the matter.

TheGoldenBowl · 18/12/2017 12:44

Rainy I think people's inbuilt prejudices make them not want to identify as a feminist, and they look for any and every excuse to reject feminism.

NerudaIsHeaven · 18/12/2017 12:45

I am identifying the problems that exist for women. Is that too aggressive?

Yes, don't you know that we feminists have to be all nicey nicey otherwise everyone will think we're mean and nasty?

CharisMama · 18/12/2017 12:46

heaven forbid we actually acknowledge that the issues that need to be addressed affect women because that might not be appealing trait to men. I honestly cannot think of any other reason why a woman wouldn't say ''I am a feminist''.

Saying you're a Worldist is an enormous cop out. It acknowledges that things are shit for a lot of people but it doesn't move anything in a direction of change. Just vague, yeh, things are shit.

CharisMama · 18/12/2017 12:47

Yes NerudalsHeaven! we must not only change the World but bake muffins and have nice hair!

CharisMama · 18/12/2017 12:48

Yes NerudalsHeaven! we must not only change the World but bake muffins and have nice hair!

grannytomine · 18/12/2017 12:57

We have a queen, we have a female PM, the head of the CBI is a woman, Metropolitan Police Commissioner is a woman, London fire brigade chief is a woman, Chief Exec of ITV is a woman. Lets not pretend women are all barefoot and pregnant.

When I was a child in the 50s the only woman on that list was the Queen. At that time if her daughter had been born first she would have still not been the next Queen as her brothers would have taken priority, as her younger brothers did, now that doesn't apply although irrelevant at the moment as William doesn't have a sister and Prince George was born before Princess Charlotte but one day William's first born might be a girl.

It was the 1970s before integration of police service, I think it was the 80s for the fire service.

Maybe we could/should focus on what we have achieved in the last 100 years or so and not fixate on names?

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